Sexual attraction and Relationships

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 25, 2009 11:01 PM GMT
    I'm sure this subject has been brought up many times before but I feel like talking about it just one more time.

    How important is sexual attraction in establishing a relationship to you?
    Would you date a guy even though you had no sexual interest in him?

    I know that sometimes as you get to know someone the attraction increases and vice versa.
    Is that reason enough to date someone?

  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Dec 25, 2009 11:11 PM GMT
    I would prefer to make a distinction.

    I would agree to go out once or twice with someone I liked on a personal level but wasn't sexually attracted to, but if nothing sparked for me, I would not continue to date them at that time. I'd fear I was taking him or myself off the market when there wasn't much to work with.

    If the was a little sexual attraction but not much, I would consider giving it a chance, but that would depend strongly on the guy. I'm one of those guys who doesn't think sex defines the relationship, but it isn't irrelevant either.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 26, 2009 3:00 AM GMT
    Sex certainly doesn't define a relationship for me, but it is a necessary component. Two things come to mind for me with regard to sexual chemistry. Sexual attraction and compatibility.

    For me, early on I can tell whether that spark is there or not and if not, I am up front about it and I appreciate when others are with me too. I cannot have a relationship with someone that I have no sexual chemistry with.
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    Dec 26, 2009 3:01 AM GMT
    I'm not sure what you mean by taking somebody or yourself of the market. I guess I'm just a bit scared of leading someone on. I don't want to raise somebodies hopes just to let them down. Thank you for your reply.
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    Dec 26, 2009 3:02 AM GMT
    There has to be some chemistry for a date to be a genuine date on both parts, I would surmise...I think attraction is important but no way the end all be all!
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Dec 26, 2009 3:03 AM GMT
    imo - there are two kinds of attraction

    Type 1 - the instant attraction where you are knocked off your feet, but it starts to wane after you spend more time with him and get to know him

    Type 2 - the kind of attraction that grows over time, the kind where you say to yourself 'I never noticed his smile like that before' or you catch a glimpse of his stomach and feel a little flutter.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 26, 2009 3:04 AM GMT
    No Chemistry can not be manufactured.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 26, 2009 3:05 AM GMT
    Timberoo - great points...I feel ya on both
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 26, 2009 3:05 AM GMT
    ChicagoBriGuy saidSex certainly doesn't define a relationship for me, but it is a necessary component. Two things come to mind for me with regard to sexual chemistry. Sexual attraction and compatibility.

    For me, early on I can tell whether that spark is there or not and if not, I am up front about it and I appreciate when others are with me too. I cannot have a relationship with someone that I have no sexual chemistry with.


    Very good reply mate.
    For me there has to be sexual attraction and there has to be sex period. If we are not having sex then I should begin to worry...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 26, 2009 3:07 AM GMT
    Timberoo saidimo - there are two kinds of attraction

    Type 1 - the instant attraction where you are knocked off your feet, but it starts to wane after you spend more time with him and get to know him

    Type 2 - the kind of attraction that grows over time, the kind where you say to yourself 'I never noticed his smile like that before' or you catch a glimpse of his stomach and feel a little flutter.


    I like # 2! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 26, 2009 3:28 AM GMT
    jprichva said
    lenoxx said
    Timberoo saidimo - there are two kinds of attraction

    Type 1 - the instant attraction where you are knocked off your feet, but it starts to wane after you spend more time with him and get to know him

    Type 2 - the kind of attraction that grows over time, the kind where you say to yourself 'I never noticed his smile like that before' or you catch a glimpse of his stomach and feel a little flutter.


    I like # 2! icon_biggrin.gif

    You may like the idea of no. 2, but there aren't ten guys on all of RJ that would continue dating someone long enough for that to happen.


    True.most of the guys on here seem like the "hit and run" type.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 26, 2009 4:21 AM GMT
    Timberoo saidimo - there are two kinds of attraction

    Type 1 - the instant attraction where you are knocked off your feet, but it starts to wane after you spend more time with him and get to know him

    Type 2 - the kind of attraction that grows over time, the kind where you say to yourself 'I never noticed his smile like that before' or you catch a glimpse of his stomach and feel a little flutter.


    This assumes all instant attractions are doomed.

    What about type 3 - an instant attraction that doesn't wane over time?

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    Dec 26, 2009 4:25 AM GMT
    jprichva said
    lenoxx said
    Timberoo saidimo - there are two kinds of attraction

    Type 1 - the instant attraction where you are knocked off your feet, but it starts to wane after you spend more time with him and get to know him

    Type 2 - the kind of attraction that grows over time, the kind where you say to yourself 'I never noticed his smile like that before' or you catch a glimpse of his stomach and feel a little flutter.


    I like # 2! icon_biggrin.gif

    You may like the idea of no. 2, but there aren't ten guys on all of RJ that would continue dating someone long enough for that to happen.


    Ten guys? I say there aren't 3 guys on all of RJ
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Dec 26, 2009 4:38 AM GMT
    Timberoo saidimo - there are two kinds of attraction

    Type 1 - the instant attraction where you are knocked off your feet, but it starts to wane after you spend more time with him and get to know him

    Type 2 - the kind of attraction that grows over time, the kind where you say to yourself 'I never noticed his smile like that before' or you catch a glimpse of his stomach and feel a little flutter.


    Type 1:


    Type 2:
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 26, 2009 5:59 AM GMT
    My ex bf and I have had this conversation recently. Apparently there is all the mental stimuli but the physical slightly lacks. His smoking turns me off slightly. Me being out of shape turns him off slightly. He never wanted to talk about it I'm like WHY not? Im sorry I am one of those people that wants the brutal truth no matter how "bad" it is. So It's like I told him... I guess we both know what we need to work on then don't we? This Christmas has been a bit of an eye opener.
  • rdberg1957

    Posts: 662

    Dec 26, 2009 6:29 AM GMT
    Timberoo saidimo - there are two kinds of attraction

    Type 1 - the instant attraction where you are knocked off your feet, but it starts to wane after you spend more time with him and get to know him

    Type 2 - the kind of attraction that grows over time, the kind where you say to yourself 'I never noticed his smile like that before' or you catch a glimpse of his stomach and feel a little flutter.


    Type 2 only comes from getting to know someone--based on intimacy rather than explosive chemistry. Best for relationships I'd guess. I've never had type 2 for very long though.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 26, 2009 8:12 AM GMT
    boulderic> Would you date a guy even though you had no sexual interest in him?

    There's a difference between a friend and a date with a potential partner (at least back when i was single).

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 26, 2009 10:51 AM GMT
    It does depend on how you define it for yourself. What kind of a relationship are you looking for?

    I went through a phase of only dating people I thought were 8s, 9s, and 10s, and found it highly dissatisfying emotionally and intellectually - which is when I met the ex of my 20s. We were already mates before hooking up, and I had never had any sexual attraction to him before, and from memory, only had a faint attraction to him at the start of our relationship. I denied we were in one for around a year or so, before finally admitting that we were and I took myself off the market and became monogamous.

    I respected him on a deep and intellectual level, he was a great guy, a wonderful friend, a loyal companion and a perfect partner, except that the physical attraction really wasn't there. I grew to like his idiosyncrasies, his little traits, and enjoy intimacy with him, but after three more years, it became apparent to me that there was something missing. But everything else was there.... and I asked myself - "surely, that must be enough?"

    We ventured into an open relationship to see if it would help mitigate some of the tension, and then started working in separate cities through circumstance. We saw each other 9 months a year, then 6, then 4. I tried to patch it up with a diamond ring, a commitment, and a promise.

    It didn't work. I admitted to myself finally, after seven years, that it was selfish of me to keep him and we both needed to get back into the market before it was too late. That was ten months ago.

    The lack of sexual attraction did lead to the end of the relationship, ultimately, because it was too large a part to ignore, and too wide a rift to patch up. It made him insecure, it made me feel like a bad person, and feel shallow, it made me insincere trying to keep up this relationship when I no longer felt sexually drawn to him.

    BUT... it also gave me the most emotionally and personally fulfilling seven years of my life so far, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. So how do you define what is important to you? Was our relationship any less real or loving simply because we didn't have wild passionate, hot sex all the time? I know that I have never felt that kind of connection with anyone before, nor since. And I still deeply love him, but am not sexually attracted to him. He is still the person I am closest to, and I know he still feels the same way. But we would never be in a relationship again.

    I hope this experience helps answer part of your question.

    Steve
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 26, 2009 12:29 PM GMT
    Thanks guys for all your replies. I really appreciate that. Steve, this is exactly what I've been wondering about. thank you for sharing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 26, 2009 3:35 PM GMT
    friendormate said
    Timberoo saidimo - there are two kinds of attraction

    Type 1 - the instant attraction where you are knocked off your feet, but it starts to wane after you spend more time with him and get to know him

    Type 2 - the kind of attraction that grows over time, the kind where you say to yourself 'I never noticed his smile like that before' or you catch a glimpse of his stomach and feel a little flutter.


    This assumes all instant attractions are doomed.

    What about type 3 - an instant attraction that doesn't wane over time?



    lol, if it's any consolation, friendormate, we're Type 3. Perhaps what makes this possible is that the sexual attraction is about a lot more than how we look. Heck, the way Bill speaks as in choice of phrases and facial expression can make me rigid. It still, after all this time, gives me stomach flutters (a rush). Bill gets very amorous-feeling when I read to him, as another example. Lol, one day Bill was sorting paperwork at the kitchen table and I got a HUGE urge to ...nevermind.

    I think the larger questions about staying power in attraction are all about what attracts you to another sexually. It needs to be more than just looks, because no matter who you are, looks will fade over time. (Unless you have one HELL of a plastic surgeon, lol!)


    -Doug of meninlove
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 26, 2009 3:36 PM GMT
    brokenbeats saidIt does depend on how you define it for yourself. What kind of a relationship are you looking for?

    I went through a phase of only dating people I thought were 8s, 9s, and 10s, and found it highly dissatisfying emotionally and intellectually - which is when I met the ex of my 20s. We were already mates before hooking up, and I had never had any sexual attraction to him before, and from memory, only had a faint attraction to him at the start of our relationship. I denied we were in one for around a year or so, before finally admitting that we were and I took myself off the market and became monogamous.

    I respected him on a deep and intellectual level, he was a great guy, a wonderful friend, a loyal companion and a perfect partner, except that the physical attraction really wasn't there. I grew to like his idiosyncrasies, his little traits, and enjoy intimacy with him, but after three more years, it became apparent to me that there was something missing. But everything else was there.... and I asked myself - "surely, that must be enough?"

    We ventured into an open relationship to see if it would help mitigate some of the tension, and then started working in separate cities through circumstance. We saw each other 9 months a year, then 6, then 4. I tried to patch it up with a diamond ring, a commitment, and a promise.

    It didn't work. I admitted to myself finally, after seven years, that it was selfish of me to keep him and we both needed to get back into the market before it was too late. That was ten months ago.

    The lack of sexual attraction did lead to the end of the relationship, ultimately, because it was too large a part to ignore, and too wide a rift to patch up. It made him insecure, it made me feel like a bad person, and feel shallow, it made me insincere trying to keep up this relationship when I no longer felt sexually drawn to him.

    BUT... it also gave me the most emotionally and personally fulfilling seven years of my life so far, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. So how do you define what is important to you? Was our relationship any less real or loving simply because we didn't have wild passionate, hot sex all the time? I know that I have never felt that kind of connection with anyone before, nor since. And I still deeply love him, but am not sexually attracted to him. He is still the person I am closest to, and I know he still feels the same way. But we would never be in a relationship again.

    I hope this experience helps answer part of your question.

    Steve


    Wild passionate hot sex all the time is debateable.

    Getting fucked by 15 strangers is not wild passionate hot sex to me. Getting fucked by a dog or someone who has forced their hand up to their elbows in your ass is not wild passionate hot sex to me.

    No one has wild, passionate hot sex all the time. Except for liars and guys who fantasize about doing so.

    Sex is important to a relationship. Physical attraction on which chemistry is based is necessary to a relationship
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 26, 2009 3:41 PM GMT
    yeah i make the distinction.. Ill take a lot off looks for a personality before and have done so in the past though, but i settled for the best, and my sex is pretty fucking awesome, everytime.


    Right now though bfs in chicago so I have to wait till tommorow to pick him up from the airport and shower him with late christmas presents.. im driving all the way back to san marcos to set up a christmas tree in his apartment before i get him from the airport.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2010 4:13 AM GMT
    This is the NUMBER ONE reason why I've never been in a relationship with a dude. I meet great guys but its either that the mental chemistry is there and the physical attraction is lacking or the physical attraction is there but the mental chemistry is lacking.

    And I'm not talking about model looking guys with a great body. I've been crazy attracted to all types of guys. Its just that feeling you get. That's why I never have an answer when friends ask me what's my type...I don't really have one...

    I've met a couple guys where, on paper, he was "perfect" for me: great chemistry, a lot in common, educated, goal oriented, etc...But they didn't do it for me physically. I would keep telling myself that they would "grow" on me but it never happened. It felt like they were siblings or "best friends". And while I wouldn't cheat in a relationship, I know that if I were committed to a guy that I wasn't attracted to physically or sexually...my eyes would wander...a lot...

    There was one guy that did it for me in both areas but...well...that situation was full of other issues that I've discussed in the past on these forums, LOL...
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Jan 03, 2010 4:16 AM GMT
    Well....Guys are visually-cued creatures. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2010 4:23 AM GMT
    When I first met my now-ex boyfriend last year, I wasn't really so attracted to him at first. But we connected on a different level, so I figured I would give it a shot. After a few weeks, just a look from him, or a whisper, would get my heart racing. A month or so later and I was deeply in love with the guy.

    He broke up with me while I was at sea this summer, but we still talk, and I know the chemistry is still there. And let me tell you, he's the only guy I'd ever consider giving a second chance to.

    So yes, I think you very much can develop a physical attraction to someone if the other chemistry is right.