Do they really work?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2009 2:19 AM GMT
    I am really liking this dude that lives in Austin, TX but I never can seem to make it work in my head. He lives about 10 hours away. I have two young kids that I would like to stay close to. I also think it is hard to know how much you really like someone until you live with them. Then, you have packed up and moved your life for nothing if it doesn't work. Do we have any success stories of long distance relationships? How did it work out? Advice?
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    Dec 28, 2009 4:17 PM GMT
    It didn't. It's hard enough when you're local. Multiply that by 10 when distance is a factor.
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    Dec 28, 2009 4:22 PM GMT
    The only advice I can give is to take your time and not be in such a rush. And definitely don't move in together until you've had a chance to see each other at your not-so-best, unguarded moments.

    I have a friend who lives in NYC, and his BF lives in London. The BF works for an airline, so they have an easy way to get to see each other. You can make it work if you want to, without re-arranging your entire life until you're sure it's worthwhile to do so.
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    Dec 28, 2009 4:23 PM GMT
    I am 0 for 2. I think long distance only works if the relationship is established *before* the distance is introduced.
  • iHavok

    Posts: 1477

    Dec 28, 2009 4:24 PM GMT
    Depends on your commitment and his.
    I'm currently dating someone 2 hours south of me, and I go down and see him every weekend. Not as bad as your commute, but there's still a bit of stress on the relationship from the distance to be sure.
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    Dec 28, 2009 4:46 PM GMT
    I think it's a pretty tough thing to do. If you are someone who needs intimacy then I think it's especially hard. I have issues and my bf is only 35 minutes away! LOL
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    Dec 28, 2009 4:48 PM GMT
    trust me from experience....it's highly unlikely...maybe your the exception and not the rule, but i was the rule icon_sad.gif
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    Dec 28, 2009 4:54 PM GMT
    DATE before living together. 'nuff said. Then distance will not become a factor. If when you are not together, it makes the heart strings grow fonder. Go with it. Talk about all the options. get it out on the table. DATE before you make the big move.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Dec 28, 2009 5:27 PM GMT
    I think making a relationship work in general is a difficult endeavor. If you're good at txting, phone calls, emails, returning all of these in a timely manner, and establishing get-togethers, then it might not be so hard. Of course, both of you will have to have the right set of social skills, and really have a deep appreciation for each other. None of this will take a week, or a month, but will require quite a bit of time and effort from both parties. Since a good relationship is very much appreciated and valuable to me, I would put in the time and effort.

    I've tried a couple of long distance relationships, and although they didn't become permanent, I still have two good friends from it. I've also gone on quite a few dates with local guys over the past year or so, and most of the time the issue of sex and horniness ruins it for me. I always start to see them as someone that just wants someone to have sex with, instead of a person that likes me for me. In a long distance relationship, I get the emotional and mental stimulation far before an issue of "when to have sex" is a factor. I am starting to be honest with myself and understand that I need more time with someone than most guys do to have that desire for sex. Of course, if I did meet a guy locally and he seemed very compatible with me, it might head towards the bedroom rather quickly, but this is a rare occurrence.

    I attended an after Christmas holiGAY party, and the issue of long distance relationships kept coming up all night, and the fact that the single guys in our area just usually want one thing. We did not come to any consensus about the locals, but we all seemed to be able to share the same miserable stories. On the other hand, a few of the attendees have been in a long distance relationship and they seem very happy.
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    Dec 28, 2009 5:44 PM GMT
    Statistically, the great majority of LDRs don't last past two years if the distance isn't 'removed' from the relationship after no more than two years. Of course there are exceptions to the rule, but they are few and far between. Both of the parties need to understand the significance of one of them uprooting because it is significant. This is also true if both move to a third location.

    The advantage of a LDR is that if you communicate with regularity when you're apart, you get to know each other better than you might if the relationship is local. The local relationship allows the couple to focus on sex to a far greater extent so that getting to know each other in a nonsexual way is often delayed so that when the physical attraction begins to wane or loose its 'newness' then the couple is often forced to get to know each other and often then rationalize the deficits to justify the sex.

    The cases where it seems to work are those where both parties need significant amounts of 'alone' time or 'space' if you will.

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    Dec 28, 2009 5:50 PM GMT
    Long distance relationships can be successful. In our case, there were always plans to move in together, so it was just a matter of time for us.

    I met my partner 4 years ago while I was working in San Francisco (I lived in Scottsdale). I travel for work, so we had the advantage of getting to see each other every other weekend.

    During our time apart, we would talk every night and occasionally text during the day. Whenever I would be at an airport, boarding a plane or landing (or him during his long daily commutes to/from work), quick little texts or emails kept us in touch.

    We would plan weekend get-aways, always spent at least two weeks a year in some tropical location, and sometimes he would fly in to see me (either at my home or at my work location). We knew we wanted to be together but needed a few things to fall into or out of place. When the stars aligned, I made the move (easier for me since I only needed an airport).

    Last March, I sold everything I own (which has been very useful when I need a guilt trip icon_smile.gif, except the house, and moved in with him. It's been a rougher transition for me, having to leave my friends, but the relationship is stronger than ever.

    Therefore, if I could give you any advice, it would be that long distance relationships can work provided that you have similar long term goals. And if neither one is willing to consider a move, then it can never work.

    My question to you is "how committed do you think you can be?"
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Dec 28, 2009 6:10 PM GMT
    bgcat57 saidStatistically, the great majority of LDRs don't last past two years if the distance isn't 'removed' from the relationship after no more than two years. Of course there are exceptions to the rule, but they are few and far between. Both of the parties need to understand the significance of one of them uprooting because it is significant. This is also true if both move to a third location.

    The advantage of a LDR is that if you communicate with regularity when you're apart, you get to know each other better than you might if the relationship is local. The local relationship allows the couple to focus on sex to a far greater extent so that getting to know each other in a nonsexual way is often delayed so that when the physical attraction begins to wane or loose its 'newness' then the couple is often forced to get to know each other and often then rationalize the deficits to justify the sex.

    The cases where it seems to work are those where both parties need significant amounts of 'alone' time or 'space' if you will.



    This information seems valid, although the individuals might not need alone time, perhaps they cannot afford to date a local guy currently, in a contemporary manner. I've had a few dates where the guy would want to see me every couple of days for dinner, movies, day trips, etc. I could only afford dinner and a movie once a week at best. For them to keep broaching and pushing the subject and offering to always pay(which I will not do) started to offend me somewhat.

    Interestingly, as in my previous post, a friend from the party has so many jobs, he rarely has free time. Maybe that's why his LDR works for him.

    Also, I did forget to mention in my last post, my LTR started as somewhat long distance. He lived over 2 hours away and I worked 50-60 hrs a week. At best we were able to see each other twice a week. But most often it was once a week, we would rent a hotel near the halfway point and get to spend some real quality time. We spoke on the phone at least once a day.
  • azureskyy20

    Posts: 100

    Dec 28, 2009 9:58 PM GMT
    I was recently in a LDR and it was working just fine. What didn't work, however, was the fact that the guy I was dating was uber selfish and overly flattering. It kept getting on my nerves that he would use compliments in the place of real conversation. It reminded me of the scene in Madagascar 2 where MondoMondo kept telling Gloria, "Goodness gurl, you huge." That was the extent of our conversations.

    He also thought that since we didn't get to see each other more than 1-3 times a week that we had to have sex every time we saw each other. So in 4 months, we knew absolutely nothing about each other, I had had enough, and the relationship was ended.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2009 10:07 PM GMT
    You can make it work. it just takes perhaps a bit of extra effort is all.

    it's not a given that you will see the guy more simply because you live in the same city, you know.

    go with the flow
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2009 11:39 PM GMT
    there are two forms of long distance relationships:

    1-ones that start as long distance
    2-ones that become long distance afterwards temporarily etc...

    #1 is a troublesome one as it is plagued by unrealistic feelings, expectations, misunderstandings and convenient sweeping of important details under the carpet.

    Usually the rule is, the further the guy is from where you are, the more compatible you are.... naturally....kind a joke of Murphy's law.

    Do not move for anyone you have not actually dated would be my advice to you.

    This does not mean you have to give up your connection. Travel to Austin and visit the city for a break for a few days. Spend some time with this guy and see if the person you see through the internetz is the person you think they were.

    See them once or twice a month for a while and see where it goes. Yes it is work but if you think it is worth it then one must explore if there's true potential here and that takes times -- as people usually have their best faces on at the beginning of relationships. Not to despair tho, the true nature of people comes out pretty quickly.

    It would really help if you two could somehow spend a whole week together in one of your homes.... that WOULD be a great starter litmus test.

    Good luck.