The "Cruel Nature Of The World"???!!???!!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 25, 2007 11:35 AM GMT
    Here's one for you guys; one phenomenon I really have no explanation for...yet.

    So you're in a bar, club or gym and you have your eyes on 2 out of 5 guys infront of you; yet those ARE NOT the guys that come up to you, it's the 3 that you have no attraction for.

    Why is it that, 90% of the time, we attract the very kind of guys, WE ARE NOT attracted to?

    Ever happen to you? Happens to me quite a bit, which often leaves me (although still flattered) wondering, why do things have to be so difficult/complicated?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 25, 2007 11:43 AM GMT
    I DID NOT mean to post this twice...not sure what there anyway a moderator can delete one of them?????

    Back to the topic..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 25, 2007 12:17 PM GMT
    Yup, yup, yup and yup, its always the way! Happens to me with both girls and guys, you focus on one and two stunners and attrach the rest like moths to a flame, maybe its pheremones, when you do put that attitude (as in looking for people) you do start attracting a whole bunch.

    Sooner or later your bound to hit the target, just got to keep on truckin...
  • Micollegeboi

    Posts: 3

    Jan 25, 2007 2:45 PM GMT
    i dunno about that last statement.. i have to believe that why we are with someone is because somethinga bout them attracted us to them so then we get to know them and if the personality holds up then its all good.. But instead you get guys like from that movie "Trick" when the boy sits at the bar looks over and the old guy is sittin there "your cute as shit"... not what most of us want.. that guy could of been nice.. but in reality he would never be the "one".
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    Jan 25, 2007 2:46 PM GMT
    Ah but perhaps those you are looking at with interest are waiting for you to come up to them. Hehe but I'm sure you go up and talk to those in whom you have an interest. Anyway, I think we've probably all attracted people we have no interest in romantically or sexually. I feel like I get a lot more people indicating interest in me after I'm in a relationship which is also rather ironic.

    What interests me about this is that where I live is among the single guys there seems to be a lot of looking and little talking. I've been to other cities where people are just the opposite. I wonder why not take a chance and go strike up a conversation? I know, it's easier said than done. But I know a lot of smart, attractive guys with a lot going for them that seem to be astonishingly fearful of making the first move.
  • TallGWMvballe...

    Posts: 1925

    Jan 25, 2007 6:41 PM GMT
    Hmm guys... this has benn going on for Centuries!
    It's just human nature. When I first came out at 21... I had major crushes on guys that had zero interest in me... seriously, I was close to suicide thinking this was some cruel trick of nature. My advice is simply to keep going after the ones you like BUT be polite to those who approach you that you are not your "type" for selfish reason if for no other. These guys might have a freind that IS your type or they may change,,, how many times have you passed over some guy that was overweight , too geeky or too skinny or whatever only to see them a while later changed into something you DO like,

  • imaxim

    Posts: 94

    Jan 25, 2007 8:59 PM GMT
    I suppose a lot of this may have to do with personal taste. There are those who are attracted to guys who look as much like themselves as possible (such as the ever-popular "GWM4GWM"), and those who like a contrast to their own "type". This might be a difference in body type, ethnic background, occupation, foreign accent, foreskin, etc. etc.

    Making these types of connections is just a lot tougher because your target type, assuming he is not looking for a "clone", might be more into one of the other types as opposed to yours.

    I agree with the comments about treating people decently even if they aren't what you are looking for at that time... I try to give (and consequently expect) a certain level of courtesy and respect to everyone, including those I'm not interested in sexually.
  • TallGWMvballe...

    Posts: 1925

    Jan 25, 2007 11:06 PM GMT
    imaxim, BRAVO! how refreshing to see a young guy with some manners and respect for other's feelings.
    My opinion? again, we have to take the good with the bad and it pays (Karma) to be good to everyone and your ideal man might be lurking in the shadows and be impressed that you are polite to those to whom you are not attracted.

    Be patient and keep trying for the one you want that also wants YOU!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 25, 2007 11:47 PM GMT
    Yes, bravo to NNJfitandbi and imaxim. Wish I had had this attitude years ago. Breaking out of ones focus does open meaningful relationships.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 25, 2007 11:58 PM GMT
    I think it may also be a self-esteem issue - or more specifically, a lack of self-esteem. If you lack self esteem and a guy approaches you because he's interested, you're inclined to think that "there must be something wrong with him if he's interested in me." Likewise, you may be attracted to guys you perceive as "better" because being with them will icrease your sense of worth. I think a lot of gay men have self-esteem issues at some point in our life, given that we're not what men are supposed to be.
  • TallGWMvballe...

    Posts: 1925

    Jan 26, 2007 12:18 AM GMT
    bigguyoh, are you implying that if you have low self esteem you will automatically not like whoever approaches you?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 26, 2007 12:54 AM GMT
    Ok... so its not just me and my friends that this happens to. I have had crushes on guys that barely glanced in my direction.

    But you know what? The guys I am crushin' on are probably thinking the same thing... why do I always attract the guy I dont want? lol

    But, sometimes I get to know the guy I am digging from a distance, and realize that they are jerks, or not anyone I would want to be with in any real sense...

    So whether its someone I like who doesnt like me, or someone who likes me that I dont like in 'that way', its still all good. When the right one rolls along, it will click.

    At least, I hope it will... :-)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 26, 2007 1:12 AM GMT
    I'm not saying that it is the case all the time, and I'm not saying that if you reject someone who likes you it is because you have low self esteem. But I'm saying that if you're rejecting almost everyone who approaches you all the time, then it may be a case of low self esteem.

    We will all reject some people some of the time, and get rejected ourselves, but if you're rejecting everyone over and over again, then there are probably some personal issues at play. (IMHO)
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    Jan 26, 2007 2:26 AM GMT
    The answer is simple .. we sometimes want what we cannot or think we cannot have. The guys that you are attracted to know they can have you, so they don't want you. The guys that can't have you want you cause you are a prize or challenge. It works both ways.

    The person that is self sufficient or seems untouchable and indifferent seems confident and powerful and therefore draws all sorts of people.

    Thats my thought on the subject.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 26, 2007 2:30 AM GMT
    By the way, I don't think my answer is the case all the time. Its just part of the answer ..
  • blkdevil66

    Posts: 74

    Jan 26, 2007 3:32 AM GMT
    How funny I just brought this up to my friends a couple of weeks ago. Even if you never make eye contact with the ones you are not trying to attract or smile at them or anything.. They are the ones with the balls and say "HEY i'm going for what I want". The sad thing is, most of the time they do not take "no" for an answer and you have to be rude, then have them tell you that you are conceited and arrogant and on and on....

    But, We know better. Everyone has a taste they like, a style, an "aura" of attraction that almost sends a telepathic signal to them, and you know that is the person for you. So, maybe those guys get the same signal, but are too blind to see the other signal that says... WARNING! WARNING WARNING WILL ROBINSON, THIS IS NOT NOT EVEN SLIGHTLY INTERESTED! SO STOP MAKING A FOOL OF YOURSELF.

    Or, maybe we're just missing out, NAH! that's not it for sure!
  • dreamer

    Posts: 91

    Jan 26, 2007 10:11 AM GMT
    well isn't that the way life is. what it comes down to is just respect for others. i do find though that when i put on an attitude and then walk into a place then my hot factor skyrockets... it;s all in how you perceive yourself in relation to others. if u think ur hot, then others will think that too. that;s the unwritten law of sexual attraction.

    but bottom line: always treat everyone with respect -- good post maxim!
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Jan 26, 2007 11:50 PM GMT
    what a lively discussion!

    In "The Road Less Travelled"...the book starts with three words...

    Life is difficult.

    If you can accept that premise then everything else sorta falls into place. I think the universe tells us something from time to time and if we listen hard enough we might get some good advice.

    Lord knows I could shut up more and listen harder for that advice...

    Perhaps the universe was saying the two guys you are attracted to are the wrong guys for you...just one possibility among others.

    - David
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 27, 2007 12:47 AM GMT
    mike, i'm not sure if it's just the way you phrased your original question, but you said the 3 guys you don't have your eye on come up to you. if you mean that literally, then i would suppose the best question no one has asked yet is why haven't you gone up to those two guys?

    everyone seems to have written their replies based on the assumption you approached the guys you do like but were rebuffed, but you don't say that anywhere. if you that *did* or *does* happen, then take their advice, expand your horizons a bit. but if you haven't made efforts to approach the dudes who catch your eye, instead waiting for them to approach you, i think it's time you stepped up to the plate son. you know what the good coach says - "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 27, 2007 6:34 PM GMT
    I do eventually approach the ones that I am attracted to, but it's the INITIAL momentum of the moment...the fact that the ones who you do not have your eye on, approach you, instead of the others you WISHED did.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 27, 2007 7:12 PM GMT
    This is a good question, and it's good to see so many varied replies.

    I have to say that when someone approaches me that I'm not instantly attracted to, I worry about it - Like I feel bad for not being attracted to them when they're attracted to me. But the times that I've tried to not let that stop me from "seeing if it works..." it has not worked.

    One time I even offended the guy by accident. He was a great guy, but a little overweight, and something I said about working out & my lifestyle actually hurt him, when I meant no harm. I felt terrible, but it didn't work out.

    So now I try to be friendly to everyone. But am SO intimidated by guys I think are "out of my league" hot that getting up the gumption to say HI is tough.
  • DiverScience

    Posts: 1426

    Jan 28, 2007 2:34 PM GMT
    Someone mentioned in another topic that those of us who spend time in the gym are often there because we see our own flaws and want to improve on them. I think this feeds into our problems in meeting people.

    Let me explain. You're an attractive guy, who works out and tries to improve his body. You go up to someone and try to start up a conversation. They shoot you down. You think, "Crap, there must still be something wrong with me."

    Now, one of the non-attractive people who acts like a slug and makesno effort to improve themselves comes up to you and you shoot them down. They already know they have problems and have decided not to do anything about it, so it's not as big a deal to them. Basically they've created a "nothing to lose" scenario for themselves.

    So, they hit on more people because they have nothing to lose, while we sit around fearing rejection and never bite the bullet and hit on eachother.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 31, 2007 3:18 AM GMT
    You just hit the nail on the head!!
  • DiverScience

    Posts: 1426

    Jan 31, 2007 9:07 PM GMT
    ::bows:: People watching is a long time hobby of mine.

    Now to go out and utilize this knowledge... easier said than done.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 08, 2007 5:43 AM GMT
    mmm I was once told by this wise girl that love is not about the right thing, It's more about the good thing. Alittle southern wisdom for a good relationship for yall. There were the guys in my life who I thought were perfectly right for me. Who I thought would be the ones I could love. In the end these guys did nothing to deserve the love I gave to them. When I finally meet a good guy, he did things to deserve my love and that's the guy I ended -up with. Love it can't be a one way street.