Advice Needed in Being Approached

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 05, 2008 1:30 AM GMT

    An unusual occurrence just happened to me, and I'm wondering what you would suggest I do.

    A lesbian friend of mine from my church went to a different UU church in the area (the one where most of the gay guys go) and talked with this guy for a while, and she mentioned my name to him as one of the few single gay men in our church. She just told him my job title, and that was it.

    I came back from my 1.5 week break, and there was a message for me on my work voicemail from him asking to go out for a drink. (Note that no one has that number and all my calls go through our front desk, so I know that he managed to figure out where I worked, called the main number, and got my voicemail via the dial-a-name feature). I called my friend and she said that she didn't tell him where I worked, and she wouldn't have introduced me to him as she doesn't think he's my type. I was just going to ignore it, but he called again and I picked it up (I usually don't get directly line calls) and it was him calling again, saying that my friend told him where I worked and he was just calling up to meet new people as he was new to the area. I took his number and haven't called him back.

    I'm wondering if this is common behavior in other parts of the country, or should I be worried.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 05, 2008 1:52 AM GMT
    Just because he's UU doesn't mean he should be dispensing with boundaries.

    Tell him he went too far too quickly, it's a big turn off, and that there's no chance.
  • justinlee86

    Posts: 501

    Jan 05, 2008 2:00 AM GMT
    what is UU?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 05, 2008 2:04 AM GMT
    It's a religion that is an offshoot of Christianity and dates back to the mid-1800s.

    From the UUA Home Page:

    "If you're searching for a religious home that is guided by a quest for truth and meaning, not by a set creed or dogma, we invite you to discover Unitarian Universalism. We are a caring, open–minded religious community that encourages you to seek your own spiritual path. Unitarian Universalist (UU) congregations are places where people gather to nurture their spirits and put their faith into action by helping to make our communities—and the world—a better place."
  • justinlee86

    Posts: 501

    Jan 05, 2008 2:11 AM GMT
    Thank you!!!
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    Jan 05, 2008 3:32 AM GMT
    Hmmm. It was just a phone call and it wasn't too hard to get. If anything you should be somewhat ruffled by your friend's actions in discarding that kind of info to a complete stranger and putting you in a situation like that.

    To come back from a trip and have some stranger call you and saying something like " I heard about you from you're friend. Let's go out for drinks since I'm new to the area and looking to make friends" is overstepping some boundaries I think.

    Should you be worried? No, not at this point in time but if the guy can't take a hint then you might have to step it up a notch. Also you should tell your friend not to be so eager to drop your name and your job title to people you don't know. That could come back to haunt you. If she wants to play match maker then that's cool but she should at least be subtle about it and introduce you to the guy in public area and then walk away and let you decide the course of action needed.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 05, 2008 4:04 AM GMT
    I had a guy treated me like that. It was online dating where we met. But somehow with just my phone and name, he figure out my address, and decided one day popped up at my place to see me before even call me! out of politeness i did go out with him for a drink, but I refuse to have him in the house. And thru the conversation he shows no interest to let me know him as much as he already has with me. He won't even give me his home number. meanwhile, he try to get in my house. So that's the end for me.

    I'm more forgiving them most people. You might already be turn off by this. But at least he hasn't wait by your office to see you like my did.
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    Jan 05, 2008 4:05 AM GMT
    Really? I don't see any terrible boundary issues here. What if your momma had been yakking with one of her girlfriends, and had given the lady your phone number because the lady had a gay son your age, and the son called you up and asked to meet you for a drink? Would that be the same?

    If you're interested, go. If not, beg off. It's up to you, but I surely wouldn't be offended by the approach.
  • mv03

    Posts: 201

    Jan 05, 2008 7:11 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]jprichva said[/cite]...What if your momma had been yakking...quote]

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    Jan 06, 2008 1:58 AM GMT
    Maybe it's just me but if someone who claims to be interested in me can't ask me for my phone number I sure as hell am not gonna appreciate it if they have to banter it out of my friends or family. If they can't ask for it then they don't need it.

    To jprichva....the momma thing is a BIG overstep in boundaries. Think about it. Mom is chatterboxing it with one of her friends and gives out your number because one of her girlie's has a gay son! Are you serious! It's exactly the same. Regardless of who gave out the number they did it without your permission.

    That's just my take on it. Others might disagree.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2008 3:05 AM GMT
    Oh, I don't know, but so what if your friend gave out the number, or he called you based on her obviously flattering portrail of yourself, and if it wasn't flattering why would he bother to call you, right?

    Maybe the boy has overstepped a boundary, but then aren't most of our boudaries self imposed?, and do you know if that is his only indiscretion? Maybe he has many other positive traits that you have missed by perseverating on that one thing.

    As for the mother comment, my mother was a blabbermouth -- she used to explain to the cashier why she was purchasing what was in her cart, while my sister and I would sit there an roll our eyes -- usually the cashier didn't give a f****, but my mother still felt the need to explain away. She was also an incessant promoter of her children, at times our mortification.

    But I will say this my mother had our best interest at heart, and I doubt your friend has otherwise -- if you didn't count in her eyes, she wouldn't have mentioned you. In other words, if she didn't care she wouldn't have opened her big fat mouth. Maybe she erred, and maybe he erred in following up, but she obviously gave him an impression of you that he liked, and maybe she's a yenta. But there are worse things than having friends who are willing to act as your personal promoters, and willing to paint, as possibly excessive, portrait of yourself.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    Jan 06, 2008 12:43 PM GMT
    I have had a guy get a hold of my cellphone number
    and call me in the middle of work a while back

    just say what I did..
    Sorry but this is my business number and I'm in the middle of work and I don't take personal calls
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2008 1:57 PM GMT
    WOW! Bunnie Boiler! lmao....I allways thought that was a girlfreind thing.
    Tell him to get lost and look in to restraining orders should the need arise! lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2008 3:01 PM GMT
    I ran into a guy I used to work with (didnt know he was gay at the time) and we talked, exchanged numbers and so on. The next day someone is knocking on my door and guess who???!!! I never told him where I lived!! I was so pissed, he had followed me home and then just came by my house! I cussed him out and told him to not ever come back.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2008 3:17 PM GMT
    I stick by my answer. Boundaries were overstepped. In the original post the guy called him at work on a somewhat private line, which he figured out because he knew his occupation, and left a message with intetnitons of meeting him on voice-mail. That's a big neg in my book. He's a complete stranger who happens to knows enough about you without your consent to make things feel creepy.

    To have somebody that you've never met nor know anything about just call you out of the blue on a whim because he got your number from info given by one of your friends or family member without your permission is a bit creepy and it puts you at a disadvantage. Personally I wouldn't find it flattering in any way. My friends/family can talk and say all the good things about me to a guy all they want but when it comes to giving out certain information I expect my friends/family to show a little restraint and to leave that decision to me--i.e. let me talk to the guy in person and from there we'll see how things go.

    I'll say it again. If a guy can't have the balls to chat me up in person and ask me for my number or other information then he obviously doesn't need it.

    Look at if from this point of view. Would you give out one of your friends/family members phone number, job location, or where they lived to a complete stranger that found them interesting. At least let me meet the guy first through a formal or even an "accidental" encounter. I don't know about rest of you fellas but I need to see a guy before I come to any conclusion about him because I can't formulate how he might be just from listening to his voice.

    If anyone wants to discuss it further send me an email. I'd be happy to explain it further if anyone even cares.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2008 3:27 PM GMT
    If you trust your friend, I'd write him off. She told you she did not tell him where you worked. He says she did. Someone is lying. She should get the benefit of the doubt, and he should be dismissed. Next case!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2008 3:43 PM GMT
    Hey guys,

    Thanks for the comments, I really appreciate it. I think I'm just going to let it lie and not feel like I have to get back to this guy. Really don't want to get involved in this. I've got too many other things to deal with than someone who's thrust himself upon me (but not in the physical sense.)
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Jan 06, 2008 3:59 PM GMT
    Your friend says she didn't give him your number and he says she did. Some one is lying. If he is lying he needs a kick in the ass. Lying at the start is a bad sign, but he may just like you and did not want you to know how he got you number. Sometimes people do silly things when they have a crush on someone. I done something stupid once (very stupid), but I'm not crazy.

    If you like him, give him a chance, but be careful, just in case he is crazyicon_lol.gif
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    Jan 08, 2008 12:54 PM GMT
    Well to be fair to his friend she really didn't give out his number but she might've well have because once she gave out his job title that was apparently enough info for the guy to go off of and surprise him with a message on his voice-mail.

    Sounds kinda creepy to me. I mean seriously. The guy who called didn't even know what he looked like (unless his lesbian friend showed him a pic) and then jumped the gun by calling the dude's job. The guy got implusive and showed no restraint. Sounds kinda selfish really because his intentions where pretty clear from the message on the voice mail. In a case like this alot of guys are just inconsiderate and never really thing of how their actions will effect others. Friends and family memebers can be included too. It's really not as bad as it sounds but it could've been.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 08, 2008 1:01 PM GMT
    Psycho alert. You're right not to call this guy back.

    Even if he's not a psycho and just really, really eager to meet you, it's no fun dating really, really eager guys, as eager is just the predecessor to clingy. A bad scene all around.
  • OutOfEden

    Posts: 100

    Jan 09, 2008 5:35 AM GMT
    Gotta agree with Meb, he doesn't know anything about you and that was not the right way to contact you. Chances are he's looked you up online and other stuff too, best idea is to completely ignore, even a brush-off or polite dismissal can be dangerous.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2008 6:02 AM GMT
    I don't get the negatives here.

    The guys looking to meet new gay friends. He knows the lesbian, knows you go to church, knows your job and workplace. He gives you a call. Sure it's work not home, but he's just trying to make a connection. Call him back from work and if you are interested in meeting a stranger, set up a time to meet him. If you aren't, let him know you just aren't looking right now, but thanks for the interest.

    If you'd rather talk before meeting, tell him you can't talk at work, but if he'd like to leave his home number you'd give him a call back. If he doesn't leave the number - red flag, avoid. If he does, call him and either get comfortable with him enough to meet or let him know you'll pass.

    He might be a salesman and makes a living connecting with people who are strangers - he could quite naturally have a very aggressive approach to meeting people.

  • helium

    Posts: 378

    Jan 09, 2008 5:10 PM GMT
    I would not call him back. I'm sorry but that's not cool at all. I know that I wouldn't like for a guy to call me at work or at home (especially at home). There's a fine line there where if you want to go out with me, at least meet me in person to do that. Not just call me at work and call me to ask me. That's pretty rude and uncalled for. Just how I see it myself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2008 2:35 AM GMT
    That's just it, OHkiker. This guy knows entirely too much and his acquirement of the info just seems a bit on the scary side. With that being said you figured out the problem in your wording. The guy DOES know you go to that particular church so all he would've and should've had to do was just wait until you showed up at church and introduced himself and from there who knows what would've happened.

    Instead the guy got kinda inpatient and freaking called his job by searching him out through the phone book or 411 thanks to knowing his job title and left a message. Yeah it's just a phone call but even still he blitzed the other guy after he came back from a vacation at his job no less which is just rude and unprofessional.

    The phrase "Don't call me, I'll call you" sounds pretty damn necessary to me. LOL.