Making gay friends

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    Dec 29, 2009 4:51 PM GMT
    I hope this doesn't sound like the standard "woe is me" post but I was just wondering if any of you guys also find it very difficult to make gay friends. I make straight friends very easily. Really, really great friends. However, when it comes to good gay friends I can count them on one hand. It seems like when I reach out to gay guys I get two responses. Well, actually a response because they're interested in me sexually or no response at all because they're not interested in me sexually. However, sex isn't the goal. It's just friendship. I purposely don't have any shirtless or nude pics in my profile for that very reason. Is this the same as the whole "When Harry Met Sally" theory that men and women can't be friends because sex always gets in the way? Problem is, I think the best romantic relationships develop out of friendship but it's difficult to just get to the friendship part. It could be the outlets I have. The bars have too many drunk, horny people and the internet just seems to render a lot of unanswered emails.

    Anyway, like I said, this isn't a "woe is me" thread. I'm very happy and content with life. Just frustrated in this area and wondered if this was a common problem or just maybe something I'm doing wrong. Thanks for the opportunity to vent, guys.

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    Dec 29, 2009 5:13 PM GMT
    It's virtually Impossible unless done early on! but I think this applies across the board. The key people in your life you've met at school, college sometimes camp and lastly wrk. You might want to join a group where you meet guys of similar intrest like ski club, Soccer, football, choir. Whatever you enjoy on your dwn time where your most likely to be yourself w/out inhibitions.
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    Dec 29, 2009 5:21 PM GMT
    i've met my gay friends through other gay friends. i find that it helps to get to know my friends' social circles also, sometimes i'll click with other folks in their group and end up becoming good friends with them as well. sometimes it doesn't, but that's ok, since you can't be friends with everyone.

    have you tried gettin to know your friends' friends?
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    Dec 29, 2009 5:35 PM GMT
    Yeah, and that works well with straight friends. It's the gay friends that I'm having trouble with. Part of the problem, I suppose, is that I'm new to the area(Miami Beach) and not sure how to meet gay guys outside the obvious(bars and internet). Then again, I find the sex thing an issue no matter where we meet. Also, I'm still getting my feel of the area but South Beach seems to be a place where sex is easy and relationships are rare. Thanks for the suggestions, guys!
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    Dec 29, 2009 5:37 PM GMT
    muscles4muscles saidYeah, and that works well with straight friends. It's the gay friends that I'm having trouble with. Part of the problem, I suppose, is that I'm new to the area(Miami Beach) and not sure how to meet gay guys outside the obvious(bars and internet). Then again, I find the sex thing an issue no matter where we meet. Also, I'm still getting my feel of the area but South Beach seems to be a place where sex is easy and relationships are rare. Thanks for the suggestions, guys!


    I heard that florida is a plce where men heaps of sex and very little monogamous relationships, i guess it is true eh...
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    Dec 29, 2009 5:50 PM GMT
    i too never thought it would happen but i have 3 best friends who are gay and i have no romantic affiliations with even thought its possible sexually we just dont see each other in that light, they're now like my brothers and act like my gatekeepers to every guy that comes in the picture haha. its cute, 2 of them have long term bfs now and still look out for me. they're practically my other family i don't know what i'd do without them!


    it took a while to get to this level tho, it about 3 yrs so far that we've been amazingly great to each other not to mention all the selfless sacrifices they've made for me as well, honestly, true brothers for life.
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    Dec 29, 2009 6:08 PM GMT
    I understand this issue. I guess gays are so relatively small in numbers it is just harder to meet as many as you would straight people. In those small numbers the "sampling" is poor to meet the kinds of friends you want.

    You really have to meet a few people that are "social organizers" or that are networked themselves. I found that when I lived in Atlanta for many years I could not break into the cliques in the bars. But then I made a few friends that were very socially active - dinners at peoples houses, eating out, cocktail events - all the sudden I was meeting all kinds of new people.

    Here in San Diego I know a few people like that and so there are probably at least 50 or so people I see at least a dozen or so times a year. We also have an outdoors/camping group we hang out with. When you are out in the wilderness for a few days 2hrs away from anything, you have to get to know the people you are with. Of course in some cities you have lots of transiency that cause you to lose track of people - here the military thing can do that sometimes.

    I wonder though if there are other thing you can do, like get involved with a gay community center. Community centers are usually by definition social.

    Finally I would say turn away no friend (ok .. there are some trouble makers you should probably avoid). As you said some people are so focused on finding a partner they go through people like a deck of cards.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 29, 2009 6:20 PM GMT
    I met my friends through college, but outside that atmosphere, it is harder making new gay friends, especially if there are developed cliques.

    As mentioned before....networking through the gay friends you do have. When I moved back to Houston, I hung out with an acquaintance more than a friend, and it soon progressed to a better bond, and I've met other people through him.

    If you don't have any gay friends then try possibly joining a gay organization or fitness group. I'm joining a softball league and running group this coming month. More for fitness than networking, but do things you enjoy.

    Hope that helps.
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    Dec 29, 2009 6:55 PM GMT
    The OP is not alone.

    When I asked myself, do I need gay friends? Am I missing something I need? The answer was... no. And like the OP, everything in life was great. And when I let go of this "manufactured need" to have gay friends, things changed... I have many acquaintances now, and a few good friends who are gay. It didn't happen overnight... but over the past few years in a casual way.
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    Dec 29, 2009 7:12 PM GMT
    The only gay friends I have, who don't want to sleep with me, are the ones already sleeping with someone else. (And even then....)

    ...or they're not out and so it's not become an issue, sexually.

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    Dec 29, 2009 7:14 PM GMT
    About half of my friends are gay and the other half are straight. Just about all my friends are male. I think the important thing is to have good friends. So what if you don't have many gay friends - provided you have good straight friends. Unless you are dating/having sex with someone what difference does it make if your friends are gay or straight (assuming the straights are cool with you being gay).
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    Dec 29, 2009 7:21 PM GMT
    Gay friends are tricky... I go to a school where the gay population is pretty high because it offers a musical theatre Major. I have lots of acquaintances who are gay, but never really found them to be close friends. Something about coming close to them hasn't happened and I do not know if it because they are very high energy gay and I find it difficult to be around them all the time or what. They enjoy much more of the "gay scene" than I do so that probably factors in some.

    I find that it is much easier for me to make str8 friends (usually female) because then their is just one "gay" in the bunch. Don't get me wrong, I have had gay friends who are more like me, who like the same things I do, but even that ended in Unwanted feelings getting in the way of maintaining the friendship... So basically, I don't go looking for gay friends but if one should come along like in the past than I'll go with it. icon_wink.gif

    It is always nice to have someone who is gay who likes all the same things u do. It is hard to get ur str8 friends to go to the clubs with u sometimes! icon_razz.gif
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    Dec 29, 2009 7:22 PM GMT
    muscles4muscles saidI hope this doesn't sound like the standard "woe is me" post but I was just wondering if any of you guys also find it very difficult to make gay friends. I make straight friends very easily. Really, really great friends. However, when it comes to good gay friends I can count them on one hand. It seems like when I reach out to gay guys I get two responses. Well, actually a response because they're interested in me sexually or no response at all because they're not interested in me sexually. However, sex isn't the goal. It's just friendship. I purposely don't have any shirtless or nude pics in my profile for that very reason. Is this the same as the whole "When Harry Met Sally" theory that men and women can't be friends because sex always gets in the way? Problem is, I think the best romantic relationships develop out of friendship but it's difficult to just get to the friendship part. It could be the outlets I have. The bars have too many drunk, horny people and the internet just seems to render a lot of unanswered emails.

    Anyway, like I said, this isn't a "woe is me" thread. I'm very happy and content with life. Just frustrated in this area and wondered if this was a common problem or just maybe something I'm doing wrong. Thanks for the opportunity to vent, guys.



    Lots of gay guys are beyond clueless on how to behave properly. Yes, they're conflicted on several levels a lot of times, but, a lot of times they think that they have to behave in a creepy way in order to be "gay". E.g. swishes, and the typical gay stereotypes.

    I normally don't give folks who behave badly, regardless of their gender, nor sexual preference, much of my time.

    Across the board, in large urban areas, and online, especially with young folks, the "don't talk to strangers" thing (also because of fear of perverts, etc.) has been taken to an extreme. Rudeness is the norm.

    Some folks have no sense of how to engage someone in a conversation. Just this past week, I had a 54 year old guy on here, emailing me, then, IMing me, saying that we had things in common (that we liked to fuck). I blocked him. At 54, he should have known how to better behave.

    It's sickening, how poorly some folks interact. No, it's not you fucking up, it's that some folks are completely out of touch.

    Just because I, too, have a pee pee, doesn't give you entitlement to act like an idiot when interacting with me.

    I don't select my friends based upon sexual preference. I make my choices bases upon commonality, interest, the level of engagement and so on. If I wanted to join the gay frat, I would have done it years ago. I have no interest.
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    Dec 29, 2009 7:25 PM GMT
    muscles4muscles saidI hope this doesn't sound like the standard "woe is me" post but I was just wondering if any of you guys also find it very difficult to make gay friends. I make straight friends very easily. Really, really great friends. However, when it comes to good gay friends I can count them on one hand. It seems like when I reach out to gay guys I get two responses. Well, actually a response because they're interested in me sexually or no response at all because they're not interested in me sexually. However, sex isn't the goal. It's just friendship. I purposely don't have any shirtless or nude pics in my profile for that very reason. Is this the same as the whole "When Harry Met Sally" theory that men and women can't be friends because sex always gets in the way? Problem is, I think the best romantic relationships develop out of friendship but it's difficult to just get to the friendship part. It could be the outlets I have. The bars have too many drunk, horny people and the internet just seems to render a lot of unanswered emails.

    Anyway, like I said, this isn't a "woe is me" thread. I'm very happy and content with life. Just frustrated in this area and wondered if this was a common problem or just maybe something I'm doing wrong. Thanks for the opportunity to vent, guys.



    I've had gay friends who abandon you the moment they start dating someone.
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    Dec 29, 2009 7:45 PM GMT
    I have gay friends who are as close to me as brothers. A few said they wanted friendship, but really wanted more. We finally settled on being friends, because they are hard to find in this world. Others have drifted away and that is ok. I have met a great bunch of guys on RJ and can count most of them as friends, especially redbull and jerbeasley; and of course pedroc954.

    So hang in there, some of the guys you know may just want to be friends too.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Dec 29, 2009 8:09 PM GMT
    You hit the nail on the head my man
    It's something that has made me laugh and has pissed me off many times

    I know this happens to everybody here
    You meet a guy
    He's intelligent ... maybe funny
    You'd like to hang out with him .... talk to him again
    But you're not interested in bedding him ... for whatever reason

    Once you make that fact known ... this guy is no where to be seen
    icon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 29, 2009 8:11 PM GMT
    You guys are my only gay friends. Gay guys in the real world are pains in the ass. I have "0" gay dudes listed in my phone, and only "1" lesbian i care to deal with...because lesbians are horrible people. And my one lesbian friend agrees.
  • Delivis

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    Dec 29, 2009 8:17 PM GMT
    I have several gay friends and do not have an issue with this thankfully.
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    Dec 29, 2009 8:26 PM GMT
    I guess I'm an exception to this problem. If anything, I get a little embarrassed because all of my closest friends are gay men. I have female friends and straight male friends, but if I were to name my five or even 10 closest friends, they would all be gay men. And I've never had sex with most of them (though I have had sex with a few of them, but long ago).

    If anything, my problem is the opposite of the OP's. I find it difficult to become truly, deeply close to women or straight men.
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    Dec 29, 2009 8:44 PM GMT
    Before I gave back my gay card just before I turned 25. I had what I thought to be many gay friends. I look back and the chance is, I had not one. All they hung with me for, was in hope I would put out. But most of them have moved on to another place now; dead.

    Any true friend I've made since have been heterosexuals. I've made friends with some guys I thought were straight, but it turned out they were pseudo heterosexuals, and I found this out after they made a pass at me; friendship dies after that.

    Other than the homosexual I live with. I can't say I have one gay or even bi friend; not one. All my friends are heterosexuals. But hay gives me a chance to be an ambassador in the straight community.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 29, 2009 8:54 PM GMT
    I have found it very easy to make acquaintances but the friendships take work. The best ways I have found have been through common interests like the gym, training for triathlons, volunteer organizations.

    The sex thing can always get in the way but I usually deal with it straight way. True friendships take work from both parties so keep putting yourself out there but keep your eyes open to when people are or are not responding with the same level of enthusiasm. You will meet some flakes along the way but you will get good at spotting them early on.


    Good luck.
  • jgymnast733

    Posts: 1783

    Dec 29, 2009 9:28 PM GMT
    I agree with you, making friends with str8's is easier somehow but some str8 guys i meet still want to use me as some curious sexual experiment ... I thought these guys were mature enough to overlook the fact that i'm gay and genuinely extended their hand in friendship, but i guess all people are the same to some extent....
    There was a time when i thought it was cool turning a str8 guy out then send him home to his wife or girl, however i'm really not feeling that scene anymore.. I wonder how i'd feel if my man came home and kissed me after eating out some dude he meet on the basketball court...Most guys now keep their relationships[with females] a secret but it all comes out eventually.
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    Dec 29, 2009 11:43 PM GMT
    This is a very interesting topic. As I've gotten older, moved to the suburbs about an hour from Manhattan and stayed home more, not getting involved in organizations, etc., I've found it nearly impossible to make new gay friends, and sometimes I wonder whether I really want to - not that all gay men are flakes, but because developing new friendships requires WORK and COMMITMENT that I'm not necessary willing to put in. Perhaps that's why I've begun to go the online route, but again I wonder...particularly when you have little patience for chatrooms, IS IT POSSIBLE TO MAKE GOOD FRIENDS THROUGH ONLINE FORUMS AND EMAILS?
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    Dec 29, 2009 11:46 PM GMT
    And even rarer, is it possible to make friends online who are within geographic reach?
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    Dec 30, 2009 1:18 AM GMT
    eagermuscle saidThis is a very interesting topic. As I've gotten older, moved to the suburbs about an hour from Manhattan and stayed home more, not getting involved in organizations, etc., I've found it nearly impossible to make new gay friends, and sometimes I wonder whether I really want to - not that all gay men are flakes, but because developing new friendships requires WORK and COMMITMENT that I'm not necessary willing to put in. Perhaps that's why I've begun to go the online route, but again I wonder...particularly when you have little patience for chatrooms, IS IT POSSIBLE TO MAKE GOOD FRIENDS THROUGH ONLINE FORUMS AND EMAILS?


    I'm beginning to think not. I can't tell you how many times I've sent a friendly email to a guy stating clearly I'm just interested in friendship and get no response. I don't want to imagine it's just rudeness so I have to think that they're looking at me sexually and aren't interested. Even though I clearly state I'm just looking for friendship. Hence the frustration.