Awkwardness with Parents after coming out!

  • metalxracr

    Posts: 761

    Dec 30, 2009 11:44 AM GMT
    About two weeks ago now, my parents were at a party and had a few drinks. My parents never drink so they were pretty drunk. Well, someone told my parents I was gay and well.. things didn't turn out great.. AT ALL! At least on my dads side. He told me some really hurtful things and they really hurt because my dad and I were extremely close.

    The next day he came to me and apologized and was crying saying he couldn't believe he said some of the things he said to me. I accepted his apology and apologized to him for kicking a huge dent on the side of truck! I feel so stupid for that now. But I have not spoken to him since.. Mind you, I live in Los Angeles and my parents live in Texas and were here on a small vacation. But I feel so awkward trying to call him that I cant! I even saw on christmas I had two missed calls from him and I never returned them.

    But did anyone else have an awkward feeling around your parents after coming out? My dad has basically made me feel ashamed of myself.. it's so weird because I'm usually a pretty confident person!
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    Dec 30, 2009 12:06 PM GMT
    get on that damned phone and call'em, the awkward feelings wont go away until you do something about them, it's all fine and dandy looking for others who have been in the same situation as you and trying to get advice but at the end of the day you're going to have to call your parents and see that your parents love you, want to know you and want to show you how much they care.

    Give them a chance.
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Dec 30, 2009 12:09 PM GMT
    If you aren't ashamed don't feel ashamed. Keep your head held high and call him. Like herpes this too will pass... I guess thats wrong herpes never passes icon_confused.gif
  • metalxracr

    Posts: 761

    Dec 30, 2009 12:29 PM GMT
    Latenight30 saidIf you aren't ashamed don't feel ashamed. Keep your head held high and call him. Like herpes this too will pass... I guess thats wrong herpes never passes icon_confused.gif


    LOL! I hope this is nothing like herpes.. i don't think they go away. But I think I will call him today

    Thanks for the advice both of you.. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 30, 2009 1:23 PM GMT
    metalxracr saidBut did anyone else have an awkward feeling around your parents after coming out?

    This incident sounds more than "awkward." I never came out to my parents because of how late I stayed in denial. My mother had already died, my father was terminally ill by then. I saw no advantage for him if I confirmed I was gay (something my sister later claimed the whole family already knew anyway), an admission meant more to ease my own mind than his, at a time when he had more important things to worry about.

    But now that it's out there in your case, I agree you should phone your parents. I am curious, though, about this someone who "told my parents I was gay." Was it merely a careless accident by this person, a slip of the tongue, or did they intentionally tell your parents? In which case I would have kicked a huge dent in THEIR truck or car, not your father's, and maybe their front door, as well. Aside from the apology your father offered you, I think this blabbermouth owes you one, too.
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    Dec 30, 2009 1:51 PM GMT
    I agree with the others, that you should call your parents today. But don't force the issue of you being gay, just talk to them about the kind of things you always talk on the phone. Give them time to adjust to the situation by themselves and show them in the meantime that you are still the same person they've known.

    In a letter / email I'd also send them information about resources where they can educate themselves on their own, like PFLAG or such.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Dec 30, 2009 1:59 PM GMT
    I agree with whats been said...

    Part of being a man is taking the initiative, taking action when things look rough. This is serious business for you. Your parents were shocked and your Dad said some things. He's human. Accept them and work to see all is mended. He's in pain, probably more for the comments than the fact their son is gay.

    Start the new year in good order... get the hell on the phone right now.

    And you kicked in their vehicle?

    You damned well better offer to have it fixed.
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    Dec 30, 2009 2:14 PM GMT
    Accept that your parents are human, too. Your dad made a mistake under the influence. If you let it be water under the bridge (as long as he doesnt repeat his offense), then it will reinforce to them that you are the better person...and the gay issue will be forever put to bed.

    So like what did he say that was so bad? ... icon_lol.gif ... icon_rolleyes.gif
  • jessetriguy

    Posts: 339

    Dec 30, 2009 2:19 PM GMT
    Please dont offer to fix the dent Your dad should pay to fix the damage he caused.
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    Dec 30, 2009 2:24 PM GMT
    jessetriguy saidPlease dont offer to fix the dent Your dad should pay to fix the damage he caused.

    Indeed! ... Or is the expression "Word" now?
  • Nodak

    Posts: 72

    Dec 30, 2009 2:42 PM GMT
    Fix this relationship ASAP. I know from experience. My parents married late in life and I was an only child. By the time I turned 29 all my Grand parents and my parents had passed away. I'm 62 now and miss them every day.
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    Dec 30, 2009 2:58 PM GMT
    It will be awkward the first time but after that it will decrease until it is gone. Its the holiday season. Call your parents. They are reaching out to you. Parents arent perfect. Forgive your father. He loves you.
  • CAtoFL

    Posts: 834

    Dec 30, 2009 3:08 PM GMT
    I think that once we're out, we often forget that coming out is a process that takes us time.

    Just as it took some of us time to be comfortable with our sexuality, it will take your parents time to be comfortable with who you are. Keeping the communication channels open will make it easier for them and for you. Some parents are okay with it right away (and usually have suspected it). Some aren't. Be there to help them with the process of coming to terms with who you are and show them that you're still the same person.

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    Dec 30, 2009 3:38 PM GMT
    There wasn't really awkwardness... but my mother had a lot of questions that were a little weird. I answered them anyway.
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    Dec 30, 2009 3:42 PM GMT
    I agree with liltanker. You have to get past it if you ever want the relationship to be the same as it was.

    My parents were a bit awkward at first, but after a few weeks and wonderfuly timed jokes my parents act like nothing has changed!
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    Dec 30, 2009 3:51 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidget on that damned phone and call'em, the awkward feelings wont go away until you do something about them, it's all fine and dandy looking for others who have been in the same situation as you and trying to get advice but at the end of the day you're going to have to call your parents and see that your parents love you, want to know you and want to show you how much they care.

    Give them a chance.
    LilTanker is correct here. Take the high road. Your dad's reaction is probably more out of ignorance and HIS feeling of failure. Your calling him will send a clear message that HE didn't fail, to have his son care enough to want to move past it. It's also an opportunity to educate your parents. Your parents are from my generation and most of them continue to view homosexuality as not only wrong but in the light of boas, wigs and whatever else is worn on the floats of the gay pride parades. Once they see that someone they know and love is gay, that perception will certainly change.

    You're fortunate to have parents alive to include in your life and especially ones who profess to love you. We all say stupid things in life, don't throw stones at them from your glass house. Take the high road and embrace their love and work with them to become educated and understanding. By doing so, they will educate others and you will have helped not only yourself, but many others by the lives they touch. Good luck!
  • adidas0783

    Posts: 290

    Dec 30, 2009 3:52 PM GMT
    The awkwardness will pass in due time. I came out to my parents 3 months ago. It was the most difficult thing I have done in my 26 years and I struggled with the fact that I was gay for over a decade. Both my parents told me they still loved me unconditionally and accepted the fact that I was gay. My mom told me point blank that she knew I was gay before I even realized I was.

    I can empathize with you in regards to some of the awkwardness you are having with your father. I know he said some hurtful things and I can imagine that was hurtful. I am sure it did not help that he was drunk. I can only imagine how bad it was to be outed by someone else. That would have given me rage.

    With confidence, I would pick up the phone and call him. I would tell him that you love him and that you are still his son. I would respect his distance and need for wanting to process this realization. However, I would tell him upfront that this is who you are, that he needs to find acceptance and that he will get over it. This is what I told my father in a respectful, yet honest and upfront way. A few months from now, it will be second nature to them, namely your father.

    Best f luck. I wish you a happy new year and may 2010 find you ultimate happiness.
  • metalxracr

    Posts: 761

    Dec 30, 2009 3:56 PM GMT
    Basically I didn't think my dad would explode like he did! I guess none of us did, because the brother that he talks to the most and gets a long with best... is gay! When he comes to CA he'll go and stop by and visit my gay uncle and his partner all the time.. or he'll ask me how they're doing.

    Oh and another thing that makes this so weird for me is that one day we were watching the news about Prop 8 and he said..."That's terrible, I cant believe they won't let people get married, thats so mean and ugly!"

    I also got him watching Brothers & Sisters!! haha! He thinks its a good show and has seen scotty and kevin kiss and cuddle many times.. never heard him say anything at all. It just doesn't add up for me.

    Thanks for all your responses I'll go through more and answer more questions in a bit.



    @bernd That is a good idea about educating them but they knew better by now.

    @Red_Vespa I didn't care to ask him at the time how he found out but the next day I found out it was an aunt and uncle that found out I was because of some of the people I hang out with. They told him thinking he would be fine with it but... apparently not.

    @Caslon basically he got in my face all pissed off and yelling a lot of personal things about me... and then finished it off saying that we no longer should communicate and that to never ask him for anything ever again. it really hurt because most of my life I was basically daddy's little boy haha.
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    Dec 30, 2009 4:00 PM GMT
    SAHEM62896 saidThere wasn't really awkwardness... but my mother had a lot of questions that were a little weird. I answered them anyway.


    Same here. When I told my mom she did one of those swallow things when you get uncomfortable, then immediately told me she would love me no matter what, almost like she was planning for the moment. Then she went out and got some books, which surprised me.

    For the years that followed I told her everything, what I was not into sexually, etc, and how many gay guys can't stand other gay guys, sometimes, etc. I'm glad it went that way.

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Dec 30, 2009 4:03 PM GMT
    jessetriguy saidPlease dont offer to fix the dent Your dad should pay to fix the damage he caused.



    If he caused the damage, he should fix it, if you caused it, offer to have it fixed.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Dec 30, 2009 4:03 PM GMT
    Latenight30 saidIf you aren't ashamed don't feel ashamed. Keep your head held high and call him. Like herpes this too will pass... I guess thats wrong herpes never passes icon_confused.gif



    How about Like a Kidney Stone, this will pass? icon_lol.gif

    I agree with what most the others said. You have to talk to your parents and be patient with them. This is a heavy amount of information for them to take in, and they are only human. No parent wants their child to be gay, so give them time to process it and, most importantly, keep the lines of communication open.
  • metalxracr

    Posts: 761

    Dec 30, 2009 4:05 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan said
    jessetriguy saidPlease dont offer to fix the dent Your dad should pay to fix the damage he caused.



    If he caused the damage, he should fix it, if you caused it, offer to have it fixed.


    When I was apologizing to him he cut me off and said... don't even worry about it. It doesnt matter.
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    Dec 30, 2009 4:11 PM GMT
    jessetriguy saidPlease dont offer to fix the dent Your dad should pay to fix the damage he caused.

    I disagree. Denting the truck was the result of an emotional outburst, and not an appropriate way to express oneself. But hear me out.

    Offering to pay to repair the dent gives our OP the upper hand, and allows him to show himself as mature and forgiving.

    "Dad, what you said really, really hurt me. But losing my temper and denting your truck was also wrong. I want to have it fixed, so that we don't have that between us."

    And what does his father say to that? Will he not in turn be obliged to make some concession of his own? That maybe his son being gay isn't so bad after all, even if its surprise announcement at a party caught him off guard, when he'd been drinking?

    And if his father doesn't respond in a positive way, well, then the lines are drawn, and all parties know where they stand. A small price to risk for such a potentially happy outcome of reconciliation, or for the knowledge that a fork in the road has been reached, and everyone will now know where they stand.
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    Dec 30, 2009 4:13 PM GMT
    metalxracr said...When I was apologizing to him he cut me off and said... don't even worry about it. It doesnt matter.

    Ah, that was posted while I was composing my most recent. But good, you made the repair offer, as I recommended. You did the right thing. And it sounds like things are headed in a good direction, would you agree?
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Dec 30, 2009 4:16 PM GMT
    If I were you, I'd have a few choice words for whoever told your parents this information at the party. That was way out of line.