Open Relationship... how safe to the heart and to the body is it?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2009 6:02 PM GMT
    Hey guys,

    So this guy I really like wants an open relationship. He wants the freedom to pursue additional SAFE sexual encounters with other guys while still being able to have unprotected sex with me. However he does not want me to have sex with anyone else but him (not that I would anyways). This goes hand in hand with his alpha male image (what a douche! but I love him). He tells me that given the fact we live in different cities, he could not, by nature, commit to a monogamous relationship. Which I agree. Although to me sex is deeply connected to love and thus I would feel really guilty if I had sex with someone else other than him, I have noticed that for a lot of gay men, sex and love are completely different things.

    Though I am really foreign to the idea of an open relationship because it is almost a contradiction in terms, I would be open to it. But the real issue I have is safety... Safe sex does not completely eliminate the risk of STD transmission. But one thing to consider is his sexual behavior; he is a total top, he does not perform fellatio, only gets sucked off, and may or may not rimmed. His sexual behavior is significantly less risky than mine; I am a total bottom, and I perform oral sex. Still anal itself is risky whether you are the top or the bottom; it is more risky to bottom though.
    This analysis makes me a uncomfortable with the idea of bareback sex with him while he is having protected sex with other guys.
    Also,

    Taken from my perspective, WOULD YOU GUYS AGREE TO SUCH ARRANGEMENT?

    I really like him... But I want to feel safe and be safe. I would be very comfortable with the idea of an open relationship if we also had protected sex with each other. I know him pretty well and he is very inflexible about compromising his sexual desires. He absolutely wants to do me bareback. He shows signs of sex addiction. He tells me he has sex probably 4 to 5 times a week. He is very honest about it, almost blunt. He HAS to jack off multiple times a day or he cannot function well, he tells me.

    And for the months we have been dating, I can genuinely say he appreciates me and cares for me. We have not had unprotected sex yet.

    WHAT SHOULD I DO? WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

    Thanks

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2009 9:46 PM GMT
    Well if you are not comfortable with it, let him know. You love him but do you want to risk everything that describes you, for him. Where do you see yourself with him a couple of years or months later.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2009 9:49 PM GMT
    I would wish him the best on hsis journey
  • Anto

    Posts: 2035

    Dec 31, 2009 9:51 PM GMT
    Seems like he wants everything at the most cost to you. Doesn't sound good.
  • SanEsteban

    Posts: 454

    Dec 31, 2009 10:00 PM GMT
    It sounds like he feels it is "all about him"!

    He wants to have sex with other men but you can't.
    He only tops and will receive oral but won't give it.
    He "says" he will have protected sex with other men but wants to bareback with you?

    This doesn't sound good. Sounds like you have a selfish and reckless guy there. I would be telling him ADIOS and find someone else. It isn't worth putting yourself into any type of risk. I would run from this selfish self-centered guy as quick as I can.

    Just my 2 cents. That plus 98 cents give you a whole dollar.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2009 10:12 PM GMT
    You've built a strong case for moving on and finding someone local who has his shit together...Addictive behaviour would turn me off....forget the rest.....

    You are worth more than this selfish dude.
  • bchbum

    Posts: 161

    Dec 31, 2009 10:14 PM GMT
    Run, and don't look back.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2009 11:05 PM GMT
    Seriously!
    What the fuck is up with this guy?
    I have to agree with San- break up with the guy ASAP. From how you describe him chances are that he is going to have sex with other men with or without your permission in the end. Although, the fact that you state that you'd be open to it means that you've already made up your mind. If he really wants an open relationship then you should be able to fool around to. Other couples do it together... or so they say. Cheating with you is the safest bet because you get to keep a close eye on the situation. People do slip up... or so they say.

    STOP BAREBACKING!
    This guy is bad news.
    You should never bareback with anyone, but especially with someone that wants to fool around with others. If he is only receiving... it is STATISTICALLY safe.......... but there is always a slight chance that something can go wrong.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2009 11:08 PM GMT
    Oh yeah. If you are seriously looking for a real relationship, an ltr, long distance is not the way to go.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2009 11:09 PM GMT
    Dump him...anyone that makes one way conditions needs to be looked at from a rear view mirrow....dump him.....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2009 11:11 PM GMT
    urbanguy911 saidDump him...anyone that makes one way conditions needs to be looked at from a rear view mirrow....dump him.....



    Right on. Listen to Urbanguy.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2009 11:22 PM GMT
    easy, find a real jock close to home that respects you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2009 11:25 PM GMT
    urbanguy911 saidDump him...anyone that makes one way conditions needs to be looked at from a rear view mirrow....dump him.....


    I totally agree, you are opening yourself to longterm heartache.

    Find a guy that can commit. You will be very happy.

    In the meantime, just dump this dude. In the short term, you will be much happier playing the field.

    Mega hairy muscle hugs wishing you all the best and lifetime love.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2009 11:25 PM GMT
    He is not bonded to you, so he feels free to do as he pleases. Such one-way relationships ever end well. You'll always be on the receiving end, and you'll lose the most.

    My concern for you is the unprotected sex you are having with him. Stop this practice at once, for the sake of your safety and health.

    I'm certain you are probably in love with him, and therefore incapable of placing your needs above his. However, as soon as possible begin to equalize your relationship. This may require strong mentor assistance or counseling...know anyone who can help?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2009 11:44 PM GMT
    mickeytopogigio saidHe is not bonded to you, so he feels free to do as he pleases. Such one-way relationships ever end well. You'll always be on the receiving end, and you'll lose the most.

    My concern for you is the unprotected sex you are having with him. Stop this practice at once, for the sake of your safety and health.

    I'm certain you are probably in love with him, and therefore incapable of placing your needs above his. However, as soon as possible begin to equalize your relationship. This may require strong mentor assistance or counseling...know anyone who can help?


    I have not done unprotected sex with him yet.
    I think I have reached a decision... I will not bareback with him under any circumstance as long as it continues being long-distance. Though I am betting he will break up with me at hearing my decision. It would make me wonder if I was truly that important to him...
    Just to describe him, cuz I am sure many of you are wondering, he is this musclehead frat boy type who seems to have someone on call every night to come over and get him off... He sort of reminds me of Brian (the guy who fucked the blonde twink) from Queer as Folk.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2009 11:55 PM GMT
    i'm leery of any relationship that doesn't stand on equal footing on both sides of the fence. i'm leery of any partner that sets conditions, particular unbalanced/one-way.

    and to be honest, i don't find anyone who settles for such an agreement to be very appealing either :/ it whispers of low self esteem.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 01, 2010 12:15 AM GMT
    ..check please?

    .....next!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 01, 2010 12:18 AM GMT
    i'd kick him in his ass on his way out the door....

    get some self-respect and say 'no way'.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 01, 2010 12:18 AM GMT
    Inpulze said...Though I am betting he will break up with me at hearing my decision. It would make me wonder if I was truly that important to him...

    Ah, those sexy musclehead frat guys. Always getting their way. If you don't break up with him first, then yes, he's going to break up with you. Find another man.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 01, 2010 12:50 AM GMT
    FirefighterBlu3 saidi'm leery of any relationship that doesn't stand on equal footing on both sides of the fence. i'm leery of any partner that sets conditions, particular unbalanced/one-way.

    and to be honest, i don't find anyone who settles for such an agreement to be very appealing either :/ it whispers of low self esteem.
    This.

  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Jan 01, 2010 12:57 AM GMT
    I would slap a condom on it and ride it till morning! But then, I'm neither barely legal nor in love with him, as you say. Sounds like infatuation with a bad seed.

    If you have unprotected sex with this guy even once you are probably running a big risk.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 01, 2010 12:59 AM GMT
    Inpulze said
    I have not done unprotected sex with him yet.
    I think I have reached a decision... I will not bareback with him under any circumstance as long as it continues being long-distance. Though I am betting he will break up with me at hearing my decision. It would make me wonder if I was truly that important to him...
    Just to describe him, cuz I am sure many of you are wondering, he is this musclehead frat boy type who seems to have someone on call every night to come over and get him off... He sort of reminds me of Brian (the guy who fucked the blonde twink) from Queer as Folk.


    Brian never had unprotected sex and made a point of that icon_cool.gif

    I applaud your decision not to have bareback sex with him.icon_exclaim.gificon_exclaim.gificon_exclaim.gificon_exclaim.gificon_exclaim.gif He sounds like a total egoist in bed. I take it, he doesn't blow or rim you either. I hope the fucking makes up for that?

    Is he such an egoist out side of the bedroom as well? If so, I'd run the other way.

    About the open relationship and his terms. Yes, they are unfair, but if you are happy, who cares?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 01, 2010 1:17 AM GMT
    Inpulze said

    (what a douche! but I love him).





    I think I recently heard a similar same quote from Brooke Mueller about this guy:

    charlie_sheen_240.jpg

    I'm not opposed to people having open relationships, but this one seems so selfish and one-sided. And that 'but I love him' sounds like a victim on the Oprah show. Unprotected sex? Are you serious? Maybe you are not seeing things clearly since you are the one in the relationship, so let me say what your friends are probably dying to scream at you, "DUMP THE ASSHOLE!."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 01, 2010 1:27 AM GMT
    Inpulze said
    I think I have reached a decision... I will not bareback with him under any circumstance as long as it continues being long-distance.


    What difference does it make whether it's long-distance or not? Just don't bareback. Period. Viruses don't care how far apart or not people live. And it's not only HIV you have to worry about. Someone I know recently got HPV from barebacking. Not all that serious but he was shaken up a bit and didn't enjoy having to go to for treatments too much.

    Other than that, if you want to have sex with him - go for it. Just don't get emotionally invested. And play safe.
  • baldone

    Posts: 826

    Jan 01, 2010 1:35 AM GMT
    i would say see ya...when i get into a relationship its with him and him only...commited means commited.....it means you are commiting your heart and soul to that one person and sharing that one special part of you that no one else can have....it means that he and you are faithful to each other only there would be no open in a relationship with me......my heart is his and his is mine and that intertwines into one complete being