son

  • baldone

    Posts: 826

    Dec 31, 2009 11:58 PM GMT
    just needed to vent and share...if this year has not been shit enough this morning got a call from my son, who is 28 and a major fuck up ..convicted felon for trafficking, i have lost thousands and thousands of dollars, so anyways his girlfriend od'd this am...mixture of anti-depressants,other scripts and coke, brought the police and paramedics and with probable cause searched his apt, found scales, pipes and other shit....now just waiting for other bomb to drop and he be arrested and this crap starts all over again....sorry guys, just needed to vent and someone to talk to....not sure what will happen they just advised him not to leave and not to change his phone number....they took out 6 bags of evidence from his apt
    anyways again sorry for dampning the new years eve...just very much alone right now
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Jan 01, 2010 12:07 AM GMT
    I'm so sorry to hear that, baldone. But don't apologize for anything. If you need someone to talk to, then you've come to the right place icon_biggrin.gif

    Do you plan to bail him out should he go to jail? Which is likely. Has he ever attempted to clean up his act? I know he's a grown man and must be accountable for his actions, but you're never too old to have a sturdy shoulder to lean on. It seems like he's going to need a major intervention from those closest to him to get him set on the right path. This includes cutting ties with his current girlfriend.

    Edited to add:

    I hope my post doesn't suggest that you should cradle him, but when he's ready and capable to stand on his own two feet and truly wants change the course of his life, I think you should be there for him when that time comes.
  • baldone

    Posts: 826

    Jan 01, 2010 12:11 AM GMT
    creature saidI'm so sorry to hear that, baldone. But don't apologize for anything. If you need someone to talk to, then you've come to the right place icon_biggrin.gif

    Do you plan to bail him out should he go to jail? Which is likely. Has he ever attempted to clean up his act? I know he's a grown man and must be accountable for his actions, but you're never too old to have a sturdy shoulder to lean on. It seems like he's going to need a major intervention to get set on the right path. This includes cutting ties with his current girlfriend.
    part of my financial downfall was all the money he has cost me....i don't think i will bail him out again.....he costs me about 250.00 every month and after loosing a house an filing bankruptcy i am finally getting back on my feet...wow...don't i sound like a real catch.....lol ......
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Jan 01, 2010 12:15 AM GMT
    You're a loving father. That is most definitely quite the catch! Not bailing him out seems like the right thing to do.

    Take care.
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    Jan 01, 2010 12:23 AM GMT
    Well, that was the sour cherry on top of the turd-sundae that was 2009.

    Sorry to hear about your son and his gf. I hope you are not blaming yourself and look at this as primarily his problems and not yours. I can't give you advice on what to do about your son, but there are support groups for family members of addicts, maybe even in your area.

    Otherwise you can be proud of yourself, for not giving up inspite of all the adversity this year, and getting back up on your feet by yourself. You should celebrate that.

    Have a very Happy 2010.
  • baldone

    Posts: 826

    Jan 01, 2010 2:22 PM GMT
    thanks...i am not one to usually quit, but this is bit overwhelming at this point ......icon_sad.gif
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jan 01, 2010 2:26 PM GMT
    You are a caring father or you wouldn't be writing this today

    but you have to start to realize that The Fuck ups as you call them are being bought and paid for by You
    If he is going to get himself straight and narrow he's going to have to hit bottom and know that you will not be there to pick up the pieces
    I know that this sounds counter intuitive but in a situation like this it's the only thing that works
  • baldone

    Posts: 826

    Jan 01, 2010 2:46 PM GMT
    GQjock saidYou are a caring father or you wouldn't be writing this today

    but you have to start to realize that The Fuck ups as you call them are being bought and paid for by You
    If he is going to get himself straight and narrow he's going to have to hit bottom and know that you will not be there to pick up the pieces
    I know that this sounds counter intuitive but in a situation like this it's the only thing that works
    yeah i know all this...but its hard to just abandon your kid...ex says he needs to move in with me, which would open up another whole can of worms and really don't want him here....would cost me a fortune and finally getting on my feet
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    Jan 01, 2010 4:12 PM GMT
    Hey stand firm, baldone, sometimes a little tough love is necessary. I was told once by a friend who went on to become head of AA here that some people have to hit bottom in order to start their own climb back up. She said sometimes it's better to be the one supporting that climb rather than the one trying to prevent them from hitting bottom, especially if you're continually trying to save them from the consequences of their own actions.

    -Doug
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jan 01, 2010 9:04 PM GMT
    My first thought is always to blame the parents for turning out a fucked up kid.
    But, in reality, each parent does the best they know how.
    Babies come with no instructions.
    I'm sorry that you have to go through this.
    If I was in your place, I'd disown him.
    But, if I had kids of my own, I might feel differently.
    No matter how old they are, they're still your kids.
    Drug addiction turns your kid into someone that you no longer know.
    I wish I had some good advice, but I don't.
    I know that it's a tough situation for you, and I wish you all the best.
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    Jan 01, 2010 9:09 PM GMT
    Wow, I wish I had a father like you.

    Thousands of dollars? Well no wonder he keeps doing it. You keep paying his lawyer fees.

    My father doesn't give me shit. Not a car, not help with rent, nothing. He is a cheap bastard.

    Your son should count his blessings that he has somebody to turn to. He is 28, he's pretty much responsible for himself now. Your son has used your kindness and abused it. Sorry if I vented, tehehe icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 01, 2010 9:12 PM GMT
    I feel for you man. Stay strong.
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    Jan 01, 2010 9:16 PM GMT
    Don't bail him out of jail...he won't clean up his act until he is ready to do so. Like the others have said, he needs to hit rock bottom and that has not happened yet. Bailing him of jail and footing the bill every time he gets in trouble with the law is only enabling his behavior and causing you to be broke.

    Don't let him move in with you...bad idea.

    The gf needs to be kicked to the curb.

    Have you considered an intervention?

    Good luck!
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    Jan 01, 2010 9:28 PM GMT
    Man, not a way to start a new decade.

    I'm not a father so I can't give parenting advice but maybe in this new year, you can focus on yourself and continue the growth you spoke of.

    When we get strong mentally, physically, and spiritually then we are better equipped to help out others such as our family and friends. It's never selfish putting yourself first.

    I'm hoping your son stays out of jail and future trouble and you find the peace within to help see him through it.

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    Jan 01, 2010 9:51 PM GMT
    baldone saidjust needed to vent and share...if this year has not been shit enough this morning got a call from my son, who is 28 and a major fuck up ..convicted felon for trafficking, i have lost thousands and thousands of dollars, so anyways his girlfriend od'd this am...mixture of anti-depressants,other scripts and coke, brought the police and paramedics and with probable cause searched his apt, found scales, pipes and other shit....now just waiting for other bomb to drop and he be arrested and this crap starts all over again....sorry guys, just needed to vent and someone to talk to....not sure what will happen they just advised him not to leave and not to change his phone number....they took out 6 bags of evidence from his apt
    anyways again sorry for dampning the new years eve...just very much alone right now


    You have to let him go. It's his world; not yours, that's the problem and you need to separate yourself from it.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Jan 01, 2010 9:58 PM GMT
    He is an adult now and should be made accountable for his own actions. Believe me, whether it be family or friends or a boyfriend......love can not compete with an addiction. I learned this the hard way with an ex of mine. icon_cry.gif
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    Jan 01, 2010 10:05 PM GMT
    time to let him stand on his own. our parents have never had to "rescue' any of us, but they did state that we did get one freebie if ever required.

    Insurance if you will, good to have but better never to use, it did seem to motivate all of us to try our hardest to be self-sufficient and we are all successful in our own ways. Of course I dont know your sons background or what issues he has. As hard as it is, he needs to hit bottom and pull him self up. Give a fish or Teach to fish....

    Good Luck, you love him and thats all you can do, You need to make sure your able to maintain a decent life for yourself.
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    Jan 01, 2010 10:32 PM GMT
    baldone said
    ...but its hard to just abandon your kid...ex says he needs to move in with me, which would open up another whole can of worms and really don't want him here....would cost me a fortune and finally getting on my feet
    Yes, definitely understand this as a parent myself but part of being a good parent (which it certainly sounds like you have been) is making tough decisions related to enabling your child or when to stop.
    Also, you never abandoned your son baldone, your son abandoned you by not accepting all you have given, recognizing his own struggles and changing his ways. You were the one who was there, he is the one who abandoned his dad. I'm sorry for the struggles, it is probably the BIGGEST fear of a parent. I've thought of this often with my kids and pray I'm never in a position to have to make this kind of decision. Good luck, we're all thinking and praying for you.

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    Jan 01, 2010 11:15 PM GMT
    My response is the same as Men in Love's.

  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Jan 01, 2010 11:20 PM GMT
    "Tough Love" is the only answer. He has to hit the bottom of the bottom and pull himself up out of the hole he's dug for himself or it will continue to keep happening.
  • jgymnast733

    Posts: 1783

    Jan 02, 2010 12:30 AM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ said"Tough Love" is the only answer. He has to hit the bottom of the bottom and pull himself up out of the hole he's dug for himself or it will continue to keep happening.

    CuriousJockAZ is RIGHT ON..icon_exclaim.gif
    I'm concerned about you though and your health, Dont stress yourself too much man,you've done your part as a caring father, it's up to him now...
    Wish i was there to give you a big bear hug,,you can vent anytime man,my page and my ear will always be open if you need it..
    Take care of YOURSELF.......
  • baldone

    Posts: 826

    Jan 02, 2010 1:46 AM GMT
    jgymnast733 said
    CuriousJockAZ said"Tough Love" is the only answer. He has to hit the bottom of the bottom and pull himself up out of the hole he's dug for himself or it will continue to keep happening.

    CuriousJockAZ is RIGHT ON..icon_exclaim.gif
    I'm concerned about you though and your health, Dont stress yourself too much man,you've done your part as a caring father, it's up to him now...
    Wish i was there to give you a big bear hug,,you can vent anytime man,my page and my ear will always be open if you need it..
    Take care of YOURSELF.......
    thanks so much, your very sweet...may just take you up on that
  • jgymnast733

    Posts: 1783

    Jan 02, 2010 1:57 AM GMT
    Anytime.....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 02, 2010 2:39 AM GMT
    baldone saidthanks...i am not one to usually quit, but this is bit overwhelming at this point ......icon_sad.gif
    This is when you need to focus on yourself. You will help nobody if your lose it yourself, so you have to come first. Don't get talked into anything that might overtax you and your resources.

    Your son needs to clean up his act alone, housing him and/or financially supporting him, is just further enabling his drug-career. Be there for him with advice and love, but this is where you should draw the line.

    Good luck
  • PipHop

    Posts: 439

    Jan 02, 2010 3:15 AM GMT
    Baldone, looks like you've done everything in your power so far to help him out and he just doesn't want to change his life. It's not your fault he doesn't want to take responsibility for himself, just don't feel guilty for wanting to pull back. He's almost 30 and it's not like he just wants to live at home; he's going far past the limit of acceptable foolishness. Start 2010 off right and take some time for yourself. How long has/had it been since the last time you bailed him out of trouble?