LONG DISTANCE ROMANCE

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 02, 2010 1:40 AM GMT
    I recently became very attached to a man who lives over 2,000 miles away and although I have found it to be rich and rewarding in many aspects, I also find it very difficult to hang on to. Didn't last very long...
    I want so much for this to become something much, much more than a long distance relationship, but at times, I feel like I am putting too much hope that it will happen. I did...and got hurt really bad in the process!!
    I have, for the most part, been single for the last twenty years, and never dreamed that I could feel for this man what I am feeling today. If something like this would have happned twenty years ago, I'd be on a plane yesterday.

    I have little fear that the man is sincere but at the same time I have great fear of meeting his expectations for a long term relationship. Although I had all but given up any hope of this ever happening in my lifetime, I have found a new hope that it is most entirely possible.
    Well, I found out much too late that I should have had LOTS to fear... the jerk is so wrapped up in his own life that he has no time for anyone else.

    Can it work? Will it ever be what I so much hope it will be? THE ANSWER IS A DEFINITE NO!!!!!!

    I've been told, by this man and others, to slow down. But at my age, slowing down is something you do going up hill. I feel like my time is running short and if I don't do something quick, I may lose the greatest love of my life.
    SLOW DOWN... HOW ABOUT BEING SLAMMED TO THE CURB... IS THAT SLOW ENOUGH FOR YA, JACKSON!!!!
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    Jan 02, 2010 2:15 AM GMT
    I assume that the 2 of you have met and spend some time with each other, so that your feelings are for a real guy and not just fantasies from online-romance.
    If you guys met while on vacation I'd suggest to keep it fun and stress-free for a while, before making any drastic steps.
    His asking for you to slow down is a red flag however, either you are already picking out china-patterns or he isn't that much into you. Tread carefully.
    On the other hand, after 20 years of being single, I'd pursue this chance for all it's worth. Just keep him involved in all decision-making. Much success.

    My bf and I met while on vacation and had an LTR for 6 years before moving to the US together and in with each other.
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Jan 02, 2010 2:23 AM GMT
    I'm going to agree with bernd on this one.

    It's not impossible, but it poses its own challenges. We were transatlantic for the first 18 months. (Binational couples face a few challenges of their own but I'm assuming your love interest is in the same country.)
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    Jan 02, 2010 5:54 AM GMT
    Having been in such a situation...I agree that's it IS easier at a younger age...Even so, my situation was that we got to see each other for long weekends every 6 weeks or so..and LOTS of time on the phone. The tough thing is realizing that when you ARE together for those precious few days, it's like being on vacation...and not real life. You really have to be in a regular, humdrum day-to-day life to appreciate the man, and not the fantasy of him. (I'm not being negative at all on the matter, as we one day realized, albeit too late, that we WERE right for each other) But think with your mind as well as your heart.
  • rrgallo

    Posts: 4

    Jan 02, 2010 5:59 AM GMT
    Sometimes a little hard but not impossible. I had a long distance relationship with my now 10-year partner and it was so romantic (we lived in different countries until I moved into his). Distance helped make things more open and emotional...However, you really don't get to know somebody until you both live under the same roof..and that's a real challenge. I'd suggest you spend some real time together ( as opposed to vacaction/weekend time) to see how daily life affects moods and behaviour...Neverheless, it's always possible to talk your way into a serious relationship and get to know what the other expects!
  • mynyun

    Posts: 1346

    Jan 02, 2010 8:58 AM GMT
    I too have fallen under the stigma of falling for someone who lives quite a distance away. While it is far easier now, with the internet and other media, it doesn't make it easier that they happen to be at a distance. This person and I have talked via email, cell phone and texts almost everyday. And while it is nice to get to know someone pretty thoroughly this way it's also not the same.
    Being close to or with someone physically gives us the chance to see the mannerisms up close and personal. We can see how they treat us physically (i.e. opening doors or kisses good bye), or how they treat other people (my friends, their friends, strangers, servers etc) and any odd eccentricities they may have (do they fold their clothes immediately or do they wait, do they let the trash pile up until it actually HAS to be taken out or do they empty it pretty regularly...). Just menial things.
    Of course I may be the only one who considers menial things like that because I've had roomates and am easily annoyed by little things.
    But my point is, while long distance relationships can work, sometimes it's difficult to get an accurate measure on the person until up close and personal.
    This person and I will be meeting when I get a break from school and work in a couple months but we will be meeting at a half way point and spending some time together publicly as well as privately. Although I have somewhat enforced a no sex of any kind rule on the first night. I don't like the word enforced but I used it anyway. We both agreed upon it but it seems fair because I don't think we should meet face to face and within 10 minutes screw and then find out oh they do this and I can't stand it and now I don't desire them anymore. I think it should basically be like a first date scenerio. Others may agree or disagree. Call it old fashioned or call it sensible or call it plain nonsense that is how I feel.
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    Jan 02, 2010 9:42 AM GMT
    I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about seven and a half years now, and we have been separated by long distances through about half that time for different reasons.

    I met him just before he was off to Tasmania for the last term of his undergraduate education. He also did a year in Melbourne for graduate studies, then I got posted to Shanghai for slightly more than a year. He is now back in Australia for his PhD.

    Did we plan it that way? No, my posting to Shanghai was put to me from my boss. His PhD was supposed to have been done in Singapore, but the overseas campus of the university closed.

    Has it been tough? Sure thing! Just went Down Under to meet up with him (first time in over a year), and I was so happy to be sleeping on the same bed with him for two weeks. I guess it has been easier, because I used to travel a lot for my work, that kept us separated even when we were based out of the same location. There are lots of sacrifices, and it needs a lot of trust.

    Tough, but possible...
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    Jan 02, 2010 10:34 AM GMT
    Thanks, guys... I didn't expect so many reponses in just ONE day! And I loved every one of them. Each has his own insight and great advice. Most seem to have had a similar experience...but everyone has made me feel like this is a TRUE possibility and I must go on.
    He and I have not met yet, but I'm hoping it might happen in March, keeping in mind that this is just a test drive, vacation style, and not day-to-day living.
    Keep it coming, men... I cherish every single word!!!
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    Jan 02, 2010 6:13 PM GMT
    You guys haven't even met????? icon_eek.gif

    You don't even know whether you have chemistry. icon_confused.gif

    I'd dial my expectations down, way down, if I were you. icon_neutral.gif
  • Puppy80

    Posts: 451

    Jan 02, 2010 6:29 PM GMT
    I'm currently in a LDR with a wonderful guy I met on here on RJ. I'm sure some of you have read of our mis-adventures when we get together. Actually, at the moment, I'm typing this on his computer from his bed icon_razz.gif We first me online and started chatting as friends and gradually grew closer. Then after a few months of talking I was able to make the trip out here to finally meet him. I wasn't nervous until I stepped off the plane. Actually I think I was nervous until we went to bed that night. (No nothing happened that first night). With him living on the east coast, and me living in the midwest, the distance can sometimes be a little much, but we make time to talk to each other almost everyday, either by phone or online. It really helps us stay connected. I look forward to the day that we will be together on a permanent basis. For now we get together every 5 or 6 weeks. I think it can work if you both are willing to put the work into it. It seems like every time I'm back here it's like I never left, which makes for a great feeling. We have had the times where it feels like we are on vacation, and then there are the times when it seems like being together is just a normal everyday thing.

    Coming up in just a few days it will be our one year anniversary of meeting. This year has gone by so fast, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I love him and he loves me, and distance be dammed.

    I hope things work out for you like they have worked out for me and the others who have posted. Nothing wrong with giving it a shot icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jan 04, 2010 12:13 PM GMT
    bernd saidYou guys haven't even met????? icon_eek.gif

    You don't even know whether you have chemistry. icon_confused.gif

    I'd dial my expectations down, way down, if I were you. icon_neutral.gif


    No, we haven't met in person yet, but I don't think that it's all that bad. It has given us the chance to learn about each other before hopping in the sack.
    We have LONG coversations on the phone, plus IM's and email. I have learned his background, his present life and his hopes for the future. Had we gone to bed without knowing any of these things, would it have made sex any better?? In fact, I think quite the opposite is true. When I hold him in my arms for the first time, I will know what's in his heart.

    I really dislike this new buzz word "chemistry". It's totally overused and makes an interpersonal relationship sound "bionic" instead of feelings from
    your heart.

    I do my best to keep my expectations on an even keel, but at the same time, the heart wants what the heart wants. If I don't give this my all, then I may as well stick to casual hook-ups, which I detest!
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    Jan 05, 2010 12:13 AM GMT
    Perhaps it could. I really hope that you have the patience and security to do so. I certainly.

    I'm way too insecure about stuff like. I accept my flaw and I'm trying to change that about myself, alas.

    Gosh, this thread reminds me of this guy I was talking to in Dallas. Such a good guy. I just sorta gave up because he was 3 hours away.
  • safety43_mma1...

    Posts: 4251

    Jan 05, 2010 1:06 AM GMT
    Yeah ths distance thing can be a double edged sword if u look at it. it is good because u get time to know the other person but it sucks too because u cant see them or touch them or feel them next to u. i will say i am right now seeing a guy long distance and i likeit because it is a slower pace but hate it because it would be nice to have someone to sleep with next to u and just talk to. i dont know if this makes since but i guess it does to me.
  • Ironman4U

    Posts: 738

    Jan 05, 2010 1:18 AM GMT
    In matters of love...follow your heart. The mind will always catch up. Good luck bud...it's never too late. icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 14, 2010 1:34 AM GMT
    Well, it's over... my best advice is not to EVER try this with someone who isnt' close enough to meet in person...
    The guy turned out to be a total jerk... and I think his only intention was to collect material for smut books he sell to some idiot in Italy... thinks he's pretty good at it... but I sure gave him a lot of GREAT material to work with.
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Jan 14, 2010 1:38 AM GMT

    long distance relationships (LDRs) can be very difficult but not impossible.
    they must, however, have a firm foundation - or an understanding as to why the both of you are in the relationship in the first place - rather than simply assuming that the other will just get it. long distance relationships are very difficult because, even if while together there is magic, when apart ... you must think of the other person - put them 1st - and imagine the sheer number of opportunities (i.e., the opportunity cost) attributed to being apart. it is hard being away from someone that feels so good laying right there next to you ... or accompanying you on those unimportant outings. but communication is key to preserving anything worthwhile.

    inject ample amounts of patience and communication and perhaps you both will keep the lights on ...
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    Jan 14, 2010 7:42 AM GMT
    jrs1 said
    long distance relationships (LDRs) can be very difficult but not impossible.
    they must, however, have a firm foundation - or an understanding as to why the both of you are in the relationship in the first place - rather than simply assuming that the other will just get it. long distance relationships are very difficult because, even if while together there is magic, when apart ... you must think of the other person - put them 1st - and imagine the sheer number of opportunities (i.e., the opportunity cost) attributed to being apart. it is hard being away from someone that feels so good laying right there next to you ... or accompanying you on those unimportant outings. but communication is key to preserving anything worthwhile.

    inject ample amounts of patience and communication and perhaps you both will keep the lights on ...


    i agree...
    i tried quite many relationships like these mostly because it seemed convenient because of my schedule... but the reality of things is that if you dont have money to travel and time to spend, you wont get very far.

    Theres only so much your imagination can do.. it all comes down to those day where you feel you just need a hug from that person where you realize its gonna be harder than what you thought...

    Also, many people hide their true identity behind the screen..
    they may sweet talk away but when you meet them, theyre too quiet... too dry and rude or even the opposite of what they claimed to be

    I wouldn't recommend it to anyone unless you have previously have met the person or have plans to meet the person within 3 months latest.
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Jan 14, 2010 5:48 PM GMT
    I've never tried what the OP has attempted: beginning a LDR online. I've met some seemingly terrific people here on RJ, and I value the interaction we have, but I would hesitate to ever declare I was in a relationship with one of them until we'd spent some time together in person. And even then, it wouldn't make sense unless one of us (or both) was truly open to the possibility of moving (and all that entails: selling home, changing job, leaving behind friends and/or family).

    Of course, it's different if it's just a pleasurable past time at a distance... someone to meet on holiday and what not. But there I'd guard my heart.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Jan 14, 2010 6:11 PM GMT
    I believe if 2 guys really want to make it work...then distance is just a number. Sadly, I've met guys who considered 100 miles too far. icon_cry.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 14, 2010 6:50 PM GMT
    Long distance relationships can work.... but mine is only 100 miles, not 1,000 or 2,000 miles. I see and know my bf and have for 11 years. Its awesome.. not the best situation, but I've learned much.
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    Jan 14, 2010 6:59 PM GMT
    daddyluvsya saidI have little fear that the man is sincere but at the same time I have great fear of meeting his expectations for a long term relationship. Although I had all but given up any hope of this ever happening in my lifetime, I have found a new hope that it is most entirely possible.
    Well, I found out much too late that I should have had LOTS to fear... the jerk is so wrapped up in his own life that he has no time for anyone else.

    So is this a distance issue, or a classic incompatibility issue? If's the guy's a jerk he's a jerk, whether in the next block or the next continent.

    I had a 1500-mile relationship in the US for over a year, and we finally made a home together. He died of AIDS too soon (always too soon), my first partner. But distance in today's world shouldn't be the issue. Indeed, with the Internet helping us, the whole world has opened before us. Find your man where you find him, and distance be damned.
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    Jan 14, 2010 7:27 PM GMT
    Having first read OP's initial post, (and not addressing many of the good points that followed) my first concern was that there was a disconnect between how daddyluvsya's feelings were towards the bf and that the bf's feelings were assumed and not stated.

    I wouldn't use the term 'love' with someone who would not reply in kind. It's really infatuation when you feel strongly about someone and you merely assume that they feel the same. The fact that he expressed these feelings and at the same time expressed fears about it working out that were not based on whether daddyluvsya did, in fact, love the bf, but rather on whether the bf felt the same.

    If you'd do anything for the boyfriend but you have no idea whether or not he would do the same for you, because he hasn't explicitly stated it, then you are infatuated.

    Most LTR don't last more than two years if the distance aspect isn't alleviated. That's not to say that none work, but the great majority of them don't. The stress of dealing with the distance wears on relationships unless both individuals are happier not living with someone. In fact, if a long term relationship, in excess of 5 years, gets separated because of the sudden addition of distance (i.e. new job - distant city) then often the relationship will not last more than another year because of the loss of regular proximity. Again, this is not always the case, but it is more often the outcome than not.

    Personally, being in a LTR of about 3000 miles, we both looked at what the best solution was as for relocation. Neither of us had a "I'm not moving!" attitude because we decided to place the relationship above everything else when we saw the value of the relationship in a mutually understood way.

    There's nothing wrong with placing your work as the most important thing in your life. If you want to be in a relationship though, you'd better put that on the table at the outset. If your job, or your hope of employment is highly locale dependent, then that needs to be understood by whomever you're getting in a relationship with.

    Moving is easier when your young - mostly because you have fewer 'things' and not such deep roots. The points that I make above though, are irrespective of age.
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    Jan 14, 2010 8:05 PM GMT
    If you truly love someone with all your heart - you will find the best ways to make it work - to stay connected - until the time comes for you to be together. There may be many long days and nights when you feel your heart may just break, but communication is the key here. Just trust in yourself and in the one you care so much about. True love knows no boundaries and can withstand time and space. Call me a romantic - but that's what I believe.
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    Feb 10, 2010 6:22 PM GMT
    Well, it's been two months to the day that this relationship started... and I often wonder how and why it's lasted this long. It has NOT been healthy for either of us...and now, I see that there is little hope of there ever being a future for us to be together.
    I think I was caught off guard in the beginning and had too many fantasies about the possilbity of it working.
    At least I know to take more caution when approached by someone down the road...
    I still care a lot for the guy...and would like to maintain a friendship with him, but I'm not sure that's going to work either. Only time will tell. He says HE wants to...and I want to, but that doesn't mean it's gonna happen.
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Feb 10, 2010 6:28 PM GMT