Closeted Bi-guy Falling for a straight friend.

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    Jan 02, 2010 7:53 AM GMT
    Aight, so here's the situation. I have been straight all my life and never have I thought that I would be sexually attractive to a guy, and even less be in-love with one! I have dated a few girls and I even fell in-love with one when I was 17. Now, I'm 20. The one event that changed everything was when I was a freshman in college, during a drunken night, I hooked up with my roommate and we made out, cuddled, sucked each other up, and fucked the shit out of each other... It was amazing. It wasn't the best sex of my entire life, but it was great. The next day, I tried to talk to him about it but he told me it was a mistake and that "it never happened" if we want to keep our friendship. We don't live with each other now, I live in a fraternity house with my own room. We our still friends and nothing really changed. But we never talked about that event ever again. It bothered me a little bit, but I got over it. I thought it was just a phase and it won't happen again.

    But from time to time, I fantasize about guys. I've taught about doing it with another guy but that never happened yet. I really just thought it's gonna be a fantasy only and it will never happen again. I thought, I'm still a straight guy as I still went out with girls and love having sex with them. I just had an encounter and it made me curious and want to try it again. I'm just really sexual. no big deal!

    But a new friend of mine (I know him for a year now), changed everything... As soon as we met, we became instant bestfriends. We have 95% things in common and we value our friendship. We talk a LOT about anything. We know each other as much as anybody can know about another person (except that he doesn't know what I feel about him). We talk about our lives about our family, friends, girls, and even the smallest and stupidiest things. We know each others deepest secrets. We would text each other about anything even just saying 'I'm bored' or 'Hi', then conversations progress from there. We are labeled 'butt buddies' as to how close we are and how much we hang out. To top that off, we are really comfortable with each other so sometimes we joke around each other, dancing on each other (goofily) during a party in front of everybody, call each other 'baby', 'honey', or 'sweetie'. We even joke around boning each other!! xD

    At first, even for me it didn't mean anything.. but now, I don't know. No one still thinks that one of us or both of us are gay or bi. We have the same set of friends. We're both in the same fraternity. I think it's because we both live a straight life, hooking up with girls and all that.We have slept in one bed three times now and we actually end up cuddling. I have fantasized about boning him, but never really did anything about it (I kinda try when I think I have the chance... but I end up not doing it; I guess I'm just too scared). But lately, probably since two months ago, I found myself feeling like when I was 17.. I think I'm in-love! I overreact when he text me 20 min. after I text him, when he doesn't pick up his phone, I get jealous when he hooks up with girls. I creep on his facebook and look at his photos over and over. I imagine MANY romantic scenarios where I get to confess my love for him and he end up saying he feels the same way. I feel so confused.. I don't know what to do. I'm happy that we're best of friends, but I want more. I am closeted and I was hoping he is too and if we do hook up, keep it that way so we can love each other but live a 'straight life' with girls as I still want kids.

    I am probably just rumbling now... but I guess my question is.. should I confess my love for him or make a move when I think the chance presents itself? Right now, I'm not going to do it because I'm just too much of a pussy and I don't want our friendship to get ruined. But I know for a fact that if I tell him, he will not tell others at all if I tell him not to.. I don't know if he's gonna say he feels the same way... I really think he will though. He always asks me how's my day, always asks about 'updates' of my life, always treats me perfectly, etc. But then again, this can all just be wishful thinking.... I don't know what to think. Part of me says GO because all signs point to it. Another part of me says STOP it's all just wishful thinking, I was just fooling myself, I saw things the way I wanted to see it...

    I don't know what to do... please give me some advice!!!!
  • mcwclewis

    Posts: 1701

    Jan 02, 2010 9:12 AM GMT
    Wow. Difficult situation.


    Honestly, it's a case-by-case thing that I couldn't give any advice on without knowing the two of you. Personally, I follow the "honesty is the best policy: idea. My hot fraternity brothers know I think they're hot icon_razz.gif

    If you think you can try it without it fucking up your friendship.... then do it 100%. Otherwise, I'd say wait it out. Try bringing something up about homosexuality and judge his response. If you have any gay friends (lesbians included) try bringing them around sometime when you're hanging out and just see what kind of conversations come up.... it might help you figure out if it would work out in your favor or not.


    Good luck man... I know how it feels.
  • Koaa2

    Posts: 1556

    Jan 02, 2010 12:56 PM GMT
    I see you are in San Jose. It might be helpful for you to go to a gay coming out group in your area, there must be one in your area someplace. Seems like you need to get things a little more clear in your own head, as to what you want and desire, before you proceed. It could be that he is in the same place as you are, however I would not make a move until you know what you really want. Another way to handle it, is to just tell him where your at with your own sexuality and go from there. It will be hard to start a good relationship when you are still confused about who you really are and about. Good luck.
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    Jan 02, 2010 1:41 PM GMT
    Do not try to bone him unexpectedly, do not blurt out that you are in love with him.

    I like the suggestion of bringing in gay or lesbian friends to gage his reactions/attitude.

    Being in love with someone means that you want to make him happy, too.

    Next time you guys have a close 1on1 moment, start telling him how much the friendship means to you, how happy you are that you have him as a friend. Give him the chance to explain what this friendship means to him and proceed from there.

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    Jan 02, 2010 1:52 PM GMT
    You got yourself the answer. Move on.
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    Jan 02, 2010 2:24 PM GMT
    Sounds to me you may have 'the feeling of love for him' and 'the urge to bone him' confused! Only you would know but I presume it's the latter you want.
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    Jan 02, 2010 4:18 PM GMT
    Move on. Don't waste your time, emotion, or energy. He is "straight" and can never reciprocate to you what you feel/felt. Plus his response screams latent "homosexuality".
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    Jan 02, 2010 4:34 PM GMT
    What are your true expectations if you tell him you have feelings for him? Set aside your romantic fantasies, as they rarely play out as you imagine they will.
  • DrobUA

    Posts: 1331

    Jan 02, 2010 5:05 PM GMT
    You sound extremely confused. I'd try and get yourself figured out before you bring anyone else into it. You want to live a straight life because thats what you have been raised to want. Try and think about what will really make you happy.
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    Jan 02, 2010 5:15 PM GMT
    DrobUA saidYou sound extremely confused. I'd try and get yourself figured out before you bring anyone else into it. You want to live a straight life because thats what you have been raised to want. Try and think about what will really make you happy.


    I agree with this guy.
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Jan 02, 2010 5:16 PM GMT
    Pinny saidMove on. Don't waste your time, emotion, or energy. He is "straight" and can never reciprocate to you what you feel/felt. Plus his response screams latent "homosexuality".


    whoa whoa whoa, i disagree 100%... it doesn't sound like the friend is anything close to straight... my gut tells me that he has similar internal feelings/struggles as the OP.

    if staying silent is giving you so much internal pain, then i say that you come out to him... tell him that you're gay/bi. and then wait for his reaction. he very well may admit that he swings the opposite way too. if by chance he has a negative reaction, then obviously you wont want to go into the whole "i love you" discussion.

    good luck and let us know how it goes!
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jan 02, 2010 5:37 PM GMT
    This topic comes up from time to time. It's a pretty common circumstance. Basically, you have two choices since you have no idea about his feelings for you:

    1) You can tell him how you feel or make the move on him the next time he's in bed with you. If he feels the same as you do, great. But, you could just as easily end up in a similar situation as last time, where your frat brother denies everything the next day. You were lucky the last time that your friend remained your friend. Often, things become very awkward and good friends have no choice but to get distance between each other. If you've fallen in love, this can be extremely painful.

    2) In the absence of knowing what he feels for you, you can decide to move on. Keep the friendship and focus your romantic and sexual energies elsewhere. Go out to some gay clubs, etc.

    If you don't want to risk the friendship, number 2 is the way to go. It won't be easy, but it will keep you more sane in the long run.
  • phunkie

    Posts: 325

    Jan 02, 2010 5:43 PM GMT
    I say go for it and tell him how you feel. You will sooner or later eff up the friendship with him, with you acting weird around him. You did say that you creep on his fb page. Tell him with the expectation that this will ruin your friendship. If the guy reciprocates, you're lucky. If he doesn't, then chock it up to experience. It is human nature to learn from their own mistakes. Find it out yourself if telling him is a mistake or not.

    OR

    You can just creep on his fb page all day long, which is definitely going to eff up your grades.
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    Jan 02, 2010 5:44 PM GMT
    Hunter9 said
    Pinny saidMove on. Don't waste your time, emotion, or energy. He is "straight" and can never reciprocate to you what you feel/felt. Plus his response screams latent "homosexuality".


    whoa whoa whoa, i disagree 100%... it doesn't sound like the friend is anything close to straight... my gut tells me that he has similar internal feelings/struggles as the OP.

    if staying silent is giving you so much internal pain, then i say that you come out to him... tell him that you're gay/bi. and then wait for his reaction. he very well may admit that he swings the opposite way too. if by chance he has a negative reaction, then obviously you wont want to go into the whole "i love you" discussion.

    good luck and let us know how it goes!



    Yea, I gotta say that I agree with this. The "move on" advice precludes the possibility that he feels the same way. I suggest one step at a time... rather than blurt out your feelings about him, maybe gently test the waters by swinging a conversation to "experimentation." By feeling him out (not literally), you may be able to push the conversation to your one experience, without details of "fucking the shit out of each other." Watch his reactions carefully, and judge how far you can take the conversation. You don't know where it will lead — full out admission of feelings, or maybe you'll find out he's not going there and you need to decide if you can be friends with him and nothing more, or if your feelings are too strong and you have to distance yourself. Baby steps, but I don't advise extremes in either direction.

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    Jan 02, 2010 5:44 PM GMT
    I don't think the situation is hopeless, but there are no guarantees on your friend's response to same sex encounters, let alone how he feels about his preferences, sexual orientation, fantasy life. It seems this is all unmapped territory for you based upon what you describe. That said, you know no one can tell you what to do, let alone precribe a solution that will ensure the outcome you may want. But the situation offers a chance to learn about yourself and how to tell someone your care about how you feel. I'd suggest starting with yourself and clarifying what you want, what's possible, what's risky. In other words, if you question your experience critically (but not judgmentally), it can help you understand the issues that bother and that please you. Kind of like taking stock of your current situation. It may be that a neutral third party, such as a counselor can help in this sorting process. My point is that learning who you are is a process and that change and challenges are part of life. If you start there, and know yourself, there is a much greater chance of creating a opening to talk about the kind of friendship you have, and what each one brings. Another suggestion to approaching the 'talk' with your buddy is to frame your ideas in ways that open up a dialogue about all the different ways people have to associate with eachother. If you avoid stating your concerns as a set of irreconcialble oppositons between concerns over identiy, social roles, masculinity, or sexual preferences for example, it may provide a field for both of you to explore rather than building emotional walls that exclude with labels. Hope that helps, and if your friend can't meet you in that 'field', at least you can still be friendsicon_smile.gificon_idea.gif
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    Jan 02, 2010 5:57 PM GMT
    boltstraight saidAight, so here's the situation. I have been straight all my life and never have I thought that I would be sexually attractive to a guy, and even less be in-love with one!

    First, based on this statement, I would say you have some work on yourself to do. You don't turn gay over night and yes, if you have that strong of feelings for a guy then you were gay your whole life (all 20 yrs). You sound like you've been in denial and now you're becoming more aware of your sexuality and more willing and accepting that you may be gay. I think this is a step all guys go through at some point before admitting they are truly gay. You need to be comfortable with your own sexuality before you rush into a relationship but if you feel OK with yourself then I think some of the other suggestions are perfect. Try and ascertain his feeling on homosexuality and perhaps eventually tell him you have gay thoughts and feelings on occasion, see where it leads. There are support groups around. I know in Berkeley I attend one for married and previously married guys at the Pacific Center. Email me if you want more information about what they have there. Good luck.
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    Jan 02, 2010 6:08 PM GMT
    Pinny saidMove on. Don't waste your time, emotion, or energy. He is "straight" and can never reciprocate to you what you feel/felt. Plus his response screams latent "homosexuality".


    He may respond to sex with you, but most likely wont "feel" how you do. If you want to know what he's like in bed, try it, but dont expect the emotional response.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jan 02, 2010 6:10 PM GMT
    I disagree with EB925. I think 20 is still young enough for feelings to develop. There are many people who don't believe in bisexuality, so you'll find a lot of people dismissive or don't think to include it in their responses.
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    Jan 02, 2010 7:39 PM GMT
    Hunter9 said
    whoa whoa whoa, i disagree 100%... it doesn't sound like the friend is anything close to straight... my gut tells me that he has similar internal feelings/struggles as the OP.

    if staying silent is giving you so much internal pain, then i say that you come out to him... tell him that you're gay/bi. and then wait for his reaction. he very well may admit that he swings the opposite way too. if by chance he has a negative reaction, then obviously you wont want to go into the whole "i love you" discussion.

    good luck and let us know how it goes!

    Seems like you read one line of my response. I said the "straight" friend is screaming with latent homosexuality; however that does NOT mean the OP should peruse it. People have to deal with their internal struggles and not be "shocked" and "awed" into it.
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    Jan 02, 2010 8:32 PM GMT
    First of all, take a step back and clear your head...the worst thing that you can do is rush to a brash decision and then not have any course of action afterwards.

    Second, figure yourself out before you involve other people. The biggest thing to remember is that there is no fault in being gay, bi or straight, it is what it is. But knowing for yourself is not only going to make the situation a lot easier, and its going to make life a lot easier. When you finally figure things out, it just feels good to know, the lack of uncertainty is SO SO welcome.

    Third, it sounds like you and this kid are really good friends, is it REALLY going to be that big of a deal if you tell him that you are bi/gay (whatever you figure out)?? I obviously don't know everything about your situation, and was very lucky to have super open-minded friends (striaght/gay, male/female) who just didn't care, but it seems like when you are this close to someone, their sexual identity is already a non-issue.

    When (not if) you decide to discuss this with your friend, go into it with an open mind, and be ready for anything. I wont tell you to expect the worst, but I won't tell you to expect a steamy romance sesh either...in reality, both are equally unlikely, and its probably going to be a "oh, ok, cool" sort of conversation. But obivously, you can guage from the tempo of the conversation how far you are going to carry things. And if it turns out there is no reciprocating interest, well, welcome to the straight-crush club...

    Lastly, whatever happens, OWN IT. It doesn't matter if you are straight, bi, or gay, you are who you are and you are that way for a reason. I'm not saying that you have to be advertising your sexuality (abrasively gay people irritate me as much as abrasively straight people), but you should always be confident in who you are. The fact that you are able to sit down, analyze the situation, and really ask yourself [what can be] tough questions says a lot about who you are. Even more, its awesome that you are comfortable getting advice from other people about it. I'm sure that whatever happens with you/your friend(s)/your friendship, you're going to come out a better person.

    Go get 'em champ...
  • Thaer

    Posts: 82

    Jan 02, 2010 8:50 PM GMT
    First I want to say good luck ..it’s a very difficult situation… when I read your post it remind me with my relationship with my best friend .. I love him to death and I check on him every 10 min .. we do all the stuff you mentioned and I can’t imagine going through one day without him … but I never thought about him sexually at all … I love him but for some reason it’s not sexual .. I even tried to imagine it after reading your post and it felt just wrong I don’t know why … and if he came and told me that he loved me in a sexual way most probably I will freak out and I don’t know how I will act around him anymore so it will ruin every thing .. that’s why my only advice is think carefully of the outcome of this conversation although I agree with hunter9 that you should let him know that you are bi or at least tell him the story of your previous buddy .. and check his reaction ….
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    Jan 02, 2010 8:59 PM GMT
    boltstraight saidAight, so here's the situation. I have been straight all my life and never have I thought that I would be sexually attractive to a guy, and even less be in-love with one! I have dated a few girls and I even fell in-love with one when I was 17. Now, I'm 20. The one event that changed everything was when I was a freshman in college, during a drunken night, I hooked up with my roommate and we made out, cuddled, sucked each other up, and fucked the shit out of each other... It was amazing. It wasn't the best sex of my entire life, but it was great. The next day, I tried to talk to him about it but he told me it was a mistake and that "it never happened" if we want to keep our friendship. We don't live with each other now, I live in a fraternity house with my own room. We our still friends and nothing really changed. But we never talked about that event ever again. It bothered me a little bit, but I got over it. I thought it was just a phase and it won't happen again.

    But from time to time, I fantasize about guys. I've taught about doing it with another guy but that never happened yet. I really just thought it's gonna be a fantasy only and it will never happen again. I thought, I'm still a straight guy as I still went out with girls and love having sex with them. I just had an encounter and it made me curious and want to try it again. I'm just really sexual. no big deal!

    But a new friend of mine (I know him for a year now), changed everything... As soon as we met, we became instant bestfriends. We have 95% things in common and we value our friendship. We talk a LOT about anything. We know each other as much as anybody can know about another person (except that he doesn't know what I feel about him). We talk about our lives about our family, friends, girls, and even the smallest and stupidiest things. We know each others deepest secrets. We would text each other about anything even just saying 'I'm bored' or 'Hi', then conversations progress from there. We are labeled 'butt buddies' as to how close we are and how much we hang out. To top that off, we are really comfortable with each other so sometimes we joke around each other, dancing on each other (goofily) during a party in front of everybody, call each other 'baby', 'honey', or 'sweetie'. We even joke around boning each other!! xD

    At first, even for me it didn't mean anything.. but now, I don't know. No one still thinks that one of us or both of us are gay or bi. We have the same set of friends. We're both in the same fraternity. I think it's because we both live a straight life, hooking up with girls and all that.We have slept in one bed three times now and we actually end up cuddling. I have fantasized about boning him, but never really did anything about it (I kinda try when I think I have the chance... but I end up not doing it; I guess I'm just too scared). But lately, probably since two months ago, I found myself feeling like when I was 17.. I think I'm in-love! I overreact when he text me 20 min. after I text him, when he doesn't pick up his phone, I get jealous when he hooks up with girls. I creep on his facebook and look at his photos over and over. I imagine MANY romantic scenarios where I get to confess my love for him and he end up saying he feels the same way. I feel so confused.. I don't know what to do. I'm happy that we're best of friends, but I want more. I am closeted and I was hoping he is too and if we do hook up, keep it that way so we can love each other but live a 'straight life' with girls as I still want kids.

    I am probably just rumbling now... but I guess my question is.. should I confess my love for him or make a move when I think the chance presents itself? Right now, I'm not going to do it because I'm just too much of a pussy and I don't want our friendship to get ruined. But I know for a fact that if I tell him, he will not tell others at all if I tell him not to.. I don't know if he's gonna say he feels the same way... I really think he will though. He always asks me how's my day, always asks about 'updates' of my life, always treats me perfectly, etc. But then again, this can all just be wishful thinking.... I don't know what to think. Part of me says GO because all signs point to it. Another part of me says STOP it's all just wishful thinking, I was just fooling myself, I saw things the way I wanted to see it...

    I don't know what to do... please give me some advice!!!!


    Well, sounds like you've got a list of things to de-fuck.
    Integrity. Honesty. Etc. That's really what it gets down too. Put bluntly, you fear rejection for being you, and are living for others, and not yourself, and have a mess because you don't live in a honest world.

    Now, if your friends are assholes, and you're feeling you might get rejected for being the person you are, you might want to consider upgrading your friends, or, you could just throw it all out there and see what happens. No one can make you a honest person. No one can give you integrity. No one can give you self confidence. That all has to come from within.

    If your friends aren't assholes, and you aren't afraid of them, then, you need to start by being honest. Everything else falls into place after that.

    No good comes from living a lie.

    As one of the posters above wrote "own it." That poster is right. No matter what, it's your life, and you feel the way you do, and YOU can choose whether, or not, to have integrity, virtue, and to like yourself, or to be miserable and phony and dishonest.

    To an intelligent man the answers are simple. Take the world by the balls, and squeeze.

    Most things in life worth having are hard. That's how it very often is. Most things in life are not without risk. That's how it very often is.
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    Jan 02, 2010 9:01 PM GMT
    ^ i concede
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jan 02, 2010 11:35 PM GMT
    Why don't you march right up and tell him that you want to have sex with him ?
    Then, you can spend the evening in the Emergency Room, after he punches your lights out.
    HE'S STRAIGHT !
    You said so, yourself.

    There are many millions of perfectly wonderful bi and gay guys out there looking for you, but you're wasting your time pining over someone who you can never have.

    WHY do men waste their time pursuing something they can't have ?


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    Jan 02, 2010 11:39 PM GMT
    It truly is a dysfunction of lots of gay guys.