In Dire Need Of Advice (long post)

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 02, 2010 4:52 PM GMT
    I'm 26 - and am completely gay. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with my sexuality, but I finally have. I've known deep down I was gay since I was probably 12 or 13. I dated girls in college but was fine tuning my gaydar all the time. I have had a couple of near miss experiences with some guys where I ultimately chickened out. Therefore, I've never kissed a guy - never held his hand, nothing..

    In college, one guy in particular really pulled at my heart strings - but he was straight. He dated several girls throughout college. Nevertheless, we became very close friends and would hang out and drink together often. In fact, he was my little brother in our fraternity. Sometimes we would get very drunk, and my gaydar would start to pick up a signal. I usually dismissed this as a false positive related to alcohol. However, he would often times become very touchy feely when quite drunk and would basically cuddle up beside me with my arm around him.

    Since college, we have remained close, although we live four hours away from each other. He comes to visit every 3-4 months and we talk on the phone every week or two. We usually get tanked when he visits and stay up extremely late (often til dawn). During these drunken episodes, he would do things like put his arm around me and just be very close to me - closer than any straight guy would normally be...

    The last time he came up in October, I decided I was going to test the waters. However, nothing happened. No response. I wrote him off. I had been attracted to this guy for years but now knew he was 100% straight, I had been picking up false positives, and to push the issue no more. In fact, I was pretty much over him and the issue was resolved.....until now....

    He came to visit for New Years. The first night he was here, he got really drunk - but I didn't. We watched a movie that went off about 1 AM. I got up to take the disc out of my computer, turned around, and he kissed me. I was shocked. I didn't know how to respond and almost fell over. Considering I am 26, have only kissed a couple of girls begrudingly over the years, I have very little self-confidence in my kissing abilities. I pulled away pretty quickly. This was exactly what I had wanted for so long, but now that I could have it, I stopped because of a lack of self-confidence.

    We stayed up another four hours - I told him I was gay (first time I ever verbalized this to anyone), he kissed me again, I pulled away again. He told me he wanted to make out with me and almost begged for it (which was a surprising turn off). I told him he was drunk and that I would not take advantage of him. We ended up basically cuddling on my couch, talking, and holding hands until we went to sleep.

    We woke up the next day and basically pretended nothing happened. He told me he could not remember anything after about half way through the movie - which may or may not be true. He left yesterday, and I am at a loss. The guy is definitely not gay and just in the closet, although he may be bi.

    What should I do?

    Do straight guys that get really drunk do this kind of thing? I know of straight guys who can be taken advantage of by gay guys on the prowl, but that isn't what happened: he kissed me and wanted to make out with me! Was this just alcohol talking? Or did the alcohol just let his true feelings come out which are usually suppressed?

    I have literally lost sleep over this and would love some advice.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 02, 2010 5:17 PM GMT
    Congrats on coming out to your friend. I think the chances for a relationship are pretty low, based on that you live 4 hrs apart and see each other only every couple of months, and if he's also gay then he is in a different developmental state (meaning deeply closeted) than you are. I think you should start looking at men in your area.

    However, next time you talk to him, ask him point blank if he really doesn't remember anything, because you would like to talk about this. And next time you guys get together hide the alcohol.
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    Jan 02, 2010 5:23 PM GMT
    Just have sex with him next time. Stop acting like having a sexual encounter is like writting the Declaration of Independence. It's just sex. You do it. You do it again, or you dont. It's not like you are asking him to marry you and making a lifetime commitment. It's just sex.

    -Veritas
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    Jan 02, 2010 5:27 PM GMT
    I think human sexuality is a gray area. I also think people identify tend to identify as one because of societal expectations and they may or may not acknowledge the other side (I think this is especially true of men). When you add a lot of alcohol to the equation, people's inhibitions and judgement go out the window. Does the guy have repressed attraction toward men? Probably....Will he ever acknowledge it sober? Depends on him. I personally don't think it's that good of an idea to get emotionally entagled in his web of confusion.

    I think you absolutely did the right thing by not allowing things to go too far. It says a lot about you and your character.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jan 02, 2010 7:00 PM GMT
    For your sanity, you need to move on. Whether he's gay or not is beside the question. The fact is he seems to only be able to be affectionate when drunk. You can't judge him by how he acts when inebriated. That's no way to conduct a relationship. You can only judge him by how he acts when sober. And when he's sober, he's unavailable.

    It's not easy to take this advice, but you'll save yourself a lot of heartache by finding someone else to invest in.
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    Jan 02, 2010 7:08 PM GMT
    There are alot of posts on here about straight guys becoming all touchy when drunk. I don't think it means anything.
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    Jan 02, 2010 7:13 PM GMT
    Straight guys wont repeatedly try to kiss you, a joking kiss once maybe, but those are generally in crowds, some sort of weird bravado display. The fantasy you have of him is probably based on him being unattainable (stricon_cool.gif, now that youve had the chance, its not so appealling OR if you acted on it you are acknowledging to yourself that your gay/bi and may be holding on to some shred of "Im not that way b/c Ive never done anything about it".

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    Jan 02, 2010 8:27 PM GMT
    Maybe he tried to test you if you attracted to him. Next time, when he comes over, try strong Tequilaicon_twisted.gificon_twisted.gif
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    Jan 02, 2010 10:14 PM GMT
    libertas27 said

    What should I do?

    Do straight guys that get really drunk do this kind of thing? I know of straight guys who can be taken advantage of by gay guys on the prowl, but that isn't what happened: he kissed me and wanted to make out with me! Was this just alcohol talking? Or did the alcohol just let his true feelings come out which are usually suppressed?

    I have literally lost sleep over this and would love some advice.




    If he wanted to make out with you that badly, he's certainly "curious". Obviously, none of us know if he's curious about being with a guy OR curious about being with you in particular.

    The only way you will know is to be direct and speak with him. Perhaps you can call him when you know he has some time on his hands. Writing an e-mail would be a less anxiety-filled way to address the situation. However, writing an e-mail leaves a trail of evidence that could be detrimental if someone else ever read it. Plus, the tone of voice can be tough to figure out in an e-mail at times. So, just gather the strength to talk to him.

    Last, I'd have to disagree with some of the guys who are encouraging you to give in and hook up with him. Sleeping with a friend could end badly in and of itself. Here, because you're not entirely confident in your kissing or sex skills (as you've hinted at), the sex will probably be bad and awkward. And bad/awkward sex would almost certainly kill your friendship (especially if he is experienced). . .
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 02, 2010 10:17 PM GMT
    Whatever, blame it on the booze. He remembers exactly what he did with you, just doesn't want to admit it..
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    Jan 02, 2010 10:20 PM GMT
    You could cling to every little thing he does when he's hours away from you like when he calls you once a week or something and secretly obsess or investigate anything and everything he says HOPING that it might be an innuendo.


    You'd be just like my best friend Mitchell. He's been hung up over this one guy from high school and that's about 5 years ago and still want him and only him and obsess about him every time he comes around even though the guy is straight. Then Mitchell wonders why life is so unfair when he's trying so hard to get someone that just isn't at all interested in him. The only thing the guy did was be nice to him, too. It's really sad to watch him go through it. icon_cry.gif
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    Jan 02, 2010 10:23 PM GMT
    When people are drunk, the barriers are down. Things that they repress will bubble to the surface and become, sometimes, rather immediate. Alcohol isn't called "Truth Juice" for nothing, after all.

    What I can say is guys that are 100% straight are not given to doing the things that your friend was doing with you. I understand your reaction, but I think, had I been on the opposite side of this, it would have smacked of rejection. And based on what you've described, I'd be willing to bet he remembers the whole thing.

    Your friend may be more than just bisexual and attempting to come out of his shell with someone he trusts, first of all. You can't always trust your instincts on this one, and I must say I have been surprised more than once over the years. For some people, dealing with sexual orientation is a lifetime struggle, and they hide it from themselves and others.

    It is equally likely that your friend is fluid, or curious, and wants an experience from someone he trusts. But based on your history, I would say there is in all likelihood a stronger bond which he attempted to solidify, albeit drunkenly, on a night where it would be loaded with meaning.

    In any circumstance, keep the lines off communication open and see what happens. Don't fret so much about it, and the next time this kind of experience comes up, go with it. It's something that he wants and that you want as well. Life is full of surprises.
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    Jan 02, 2010 10:30 PM GMT
    Next time, be sure to record incidents like these on video. Your post is useless to me without solid, irrefutable documentation.
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    Jan 02, 2010 10:32 PM GMT
    reppaT saidNext time, be sure to record incidents like these on video. Your post is useless to me without solid, irrefutable documentation.
    O.O

    I believe I know where you're going with this...
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    Jan 02, 2010 10:41 PM GMT
    Soulasphyxi said
    reppaT saidNext time, be sure to record incidents like these on video. Your post is useless to me without solid, irrefutable documentation.
    O.O

    I believe I know where you're going with this...


    It's your fault. Had you not sparked my imagination with your post about a PSP and your boyfriend ...
  • Ironman4U

    Posts: 738

    Jan 02, 2010 10:49 PM GMT
    Live without regrets.

    Do you regret not kissing him? Do you regret that your self-confidence didn't let you take advantage of the opportunity? Or would you have regretted it more had you followed through on your long-held desires?

    Since you came out to him, your conversations are open to discuss whatever you want in your regular phone calls...I know he says he doesn't remember (while that B.S.), you can refresh his memory and take it from scratch. If he's a good friend he'll be there for you (and you for him) regardless of your relationship status. Communication is a powerful thing...practice it when you're both sober.
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    Jan 02, 2010 11:23 PM GMT
    Ironman4U saidLive without regrets.

    Do you regret not kissing him? Do you regret that your self-confidence didn't let you take advantage of the opportunity? Or would you have regretted it more had you followed through on your long-held desires?

    Since you came out to him, your conversations are open to discuss whatever you want in your regular phone calls...I know he says he doesn't remember (while that B.S.), you can refresh his memory and take it from scratch. If he's a good friend he'll be there for you (and you for him) regardless of your relationship status. Communication is a powerful thing...practice it when you're both sober.


    I bit the bullet and called him - sober. After a little small talk, I got straight to the point. He reaffirmed that he remembered nothing from the night of the incident. So I told him what happened. I told him again that I was gay so that this time he'll remember it.

    He was very accepting but also said he was 100% straight. He said he was very drunk and he just gets like that when he's drunk (this is true - I have seen it firsthand).

    Honestly, I am sad and heartbroken. But I had to know. Now, I am lost again icon_sad.gif
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    Jan 02, 2010 11:29 PM GMT
    libertas27 said
    Ironman4U saidLive without regrets.

    Do you regret not kissing him? Do you regret that your self-confidence didn't let you take advantage of the opportunity? Or would you have regretted it more had you followed through on your long-held desires?

    Since you came out to him, your conversations are open to discuss whatever you want in your regular phone calls...I know he says he doesn't remember (while that B.S.), you can refresh his memory and take it from scratch. If he's a good friend he'll be there for you (and you for him) regardless of your relationship status. Communication is a powerful thing...practice it when you're both sober.


    I bit the bullet and called him - sober. After a little small talk, I got straight to the point. He reaffirmed that he remembered nothing from the night of the incident. So I told him what happened. I told him again that I was gay so that this time he'll remember it.

    He was very accepting but also said he was 100% straight. He said he was very drunk and he just gets like that when he's drunk (this is true - I have seen it firsthand).

    Honestly, I am sad and heartbroken. But I had to know. Now, I am lost again icon_sad.gif


    Don't be lost. Keep your friend, but move on to something better and more fulfilling. Start by learning to like who you are and boosting your confidence up. I'm sure you're a great guy, man. *hug*
  • Puppy80

    Posts: 451

    Jan 02, 2010 11:31 PM GMT
    But the question is, is he like this with all his friends when he gets drunk? Or is he just touchy feely with you? If it's with everyone, then I'd say he's just relaxed when drunk. If it's just with you that he acts this way, then there is something deeper going on with him then he cares to deal with when he's sober.
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    Jan 02, 2010 11:35 PM GMT
    Puppy80 saidBut the question is, is he like this with all his friends when he gets drunk? Or is he just touchy feely with you? If it's with everyone, then I'd say he's just relaxed when drunk. If it's just with you that he acts this way, then there is something deeper going on with him then he cares to deal with when he's sober.


    haha, thank you for writing the paragraph I refused to write. icon_biggrin.gif

    I know that I should move on completely (in terms of any romantic aspect) and keep him as a friend. However, that is much easier said than done. During our talk, I asked him - what if this happens again? He said to push him away again.