I wanted to say hi but you look intimidating...

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    Jan 03, 2010 1:25 AM GMT
    Ok so I'm out and about and don't realise that someone is checking me out. Later down the road, I meet someone who claims to have seen me before at a past get together, and they say, "Yeah I have seen you before and even tried to smile and wanted to say hi to you but you looked intimidating"

    I have heard this line time after time, but I don't understand why. Certainly I don't want to come across like people can't talk to me. Has anyone else heard this before and if so, why do you think the opposition feels this way....

    Cheers
  • Nayro

    Posts: 1825

    Jan 03, 2010 1:27 AM GMT
    Smile more, have an open posture(might not be the right word but i dont know what a different english word for that would be, I mean the way you are standing when you are standing in a bar icon_razz.gif)
    Smile more (again) It makes you look very open for contact!
    Do not cross your arms or legs! icon_razz.gif
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    Jan 03, 2010 1:37 AM GMT
    Heheh, Aggieboy, many guys I knew when I was single usually thought very very good looking guys were intimidating. That was because they (and often me) felt we didn't stand a chance, lol!

    You've been getting compliments!


    -Doug of meninlove
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jan 03, 2010 2:07 AM GMT
    I hear ya my man ....

    I get this from my friends all the time
    My friends are constantly telling me to smile more and not to look "so intimidating"
    To which I always respond ... that's the way I am

    I push it to the New Yorker that's still in me icon_cool.gif
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    Jan 03, 2010 2:45 AM GMT
    I get this a lot too. I'm the type of guy that never smiles, unless I'm talking to someone. Also, I'm pretty clueless when a guy is interested in me. I just assume they're staring at the horns coming out of my head. icon_twisted.gificon_lol.gif
  • B71115

    Posts: 482

    Jan 03, 2010 4:34 AM GMT
    Don't wear your firearm at the club. icon_eek.gif
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    Jan 03, 2010 4:39 AM GMT
    At least they're not telling you that you look mean.

    My friends torment me when we're out; they accuse me of going to gay bars with the express purpose of ignoring everyone in the bar. Which is silly of course. I never ignore the bartender.

    Most people assume I'm straight too, even in gay bars. It's because I have no fashion sense, don't dance, and prefer to drink dark beers. Go figure.
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    Jan 03, 2010 4:41 AM GMT
    Does anyone ever feel silly smiling at nothing? I'm not sure I've mastered the art of doing it without looking deranged (which, as it happens, doesn't seem to be particularly attractive either).
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    Jan 03, 2010 4:44 AM GMT
    nhill saidDoes anyone ever feel silly smiling at nothing? I'm not sure I've mastered the art of doing it without looking deranged (which, as it happens, doesn't seem to be particularly attractive either).



    nhill, that cracked me up! Welcome to Realjock, eh?



    -Bill (Doug's upstairs making a late supper.)
  • danisnotstr8

    Posts: 2579

    Jan 03, 2010 4:47 AM GMT
    Aggieboy saidOk so I'm out and about and don't realise that someone is checking me out. Later down the road, I meet someone who claims to have seen me before at a past get together, and they say, "Yeah I have seen you before and even tried to smile and wanted to say hi to you but you looked intimidating"

    I have heard this line time after time, but I don't understand why. Certainly I don't want to come across like people can't talk to me. Has anyone else heard this before and if so, why do you think the opposition feels this way....

    Cheers


    Maybe you should stop thinking of them as the "opposition."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2010 4:47 AM GMT
    Well, when a person never smiles, doesn't make eye contact ever and constantly maintains a blank look -- as so many guys often do -- it comes off as unfriendly.
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    Jan 03, 2010 4:53 AM GMT
    meninlove said


    nhill, that cracked me up! Welcome to Realjock, eh?



    -Bill (Doug's upstairs making a late supper.)


    Thanks Bill! Been a lurker for a while, figured it's time to participate.

    icon_biggrin.gif <-- (Practice makes perfect).
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    Jan 03, 2010 5:00 AM GMT
    danisnotstr8 said
    Aggieboy saidOk so I'm out and about and don't realise that someone is checking me out. Later down the road, I meet someone who claims to have seen me before at a past get together, and they say, "Yeah I have seen you before and even tried to smile and wanted to say hi to you but you looked intimidating"

    I have heard this line time after time, but I don't understand why. Certainly I don't want to come across like people can't talk to me. Has anyone else heard this before and if so, why do you think the opposition feels this way....

    Cheers


    Maybe you should stop thinking of them as the "opposition."


    I use the word"opposition" in every day vocabulary meaning something that is across from you, away, the opposite of you, or of the polarized state not necessarily my enemy and i must defeat you.
  • MarvelClimber

    Posts: 511

    Jan 03, 2010 5:02 AM GMT
    I have a friend who came to me because he had other friends tell him that he's unapproachable. He's always very put together when he goes out. His vernacular for even casual occasions is on par with a college thesis. On top of which his speech is crisp and calculated and he has a stillness about him when he's disengaged. I told him all of this and he decided not to change anything because he feels those things are what make him who he is. And if someone is too intimidated to approach him then that's not the kind of person he wants to be around.

    That's kinda the thing you have to decide. How much do you bend? If you got this comment from one guy I wouldn't be making any changes. I mean this guy could be insecure or shy, in which case, that's his issue not yours. If you're getting continuous feedback (like my friend was) then it's worth looking into.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 03, 2010 6:11 AM GMT
    Absolutely I've heard this.... actually from my bf to begin with.....

    Not to make me feel odd, I have been told by him and several others I tend to come across as "unapproachable" when they first see me. Upon asking questions, I'm told, its almost an attitude and thus some think I might reject them if they approach me. I have been advised that once I'm approached, they think I'm very friendly..... wtf.

    I've asked other friends their opinions and most think I'm very friendly and approachable.

    I think its all in perception based on ones looks and behavior socially.
    When in a bar or a gay social gathering, I have no desire to be picked up and may radiate some of that, but am always friendly to anyone who
    approaches or introduces himself or herself.
  • SanEsteban

    Posts: 454

    Jan 03, 2010 6:11 AM GMT
    I'm told quite often that when people don't know me, I appear quite unapproachable/intimidating. Once people meet me and get to know me, they can't believe they actually thought that.

    I catch myself all the time not wearing a smile and make myself do it. Also, especially at the gym, it doesn't help wearing an iPod. I find myself leaving it in my locker unless I'm doing cardio to make myself appear more approachable. Nothing screams intimidating/unapproachable than someone who isn't smiling and wearing an iPod.
  • stochastic

    Posts: 43

    Jan 03, 2010 6:23 AM GMT
    I hear this a lot from my friends too. I don't feel at all comfortable in 'gay' clubs, so I probably do cross my arms and sulk a little more than I should.

    I feel a lot more relaxed in non-gay establishments but even then I am, apparently, not an approachable-looking guy... and in any case guy-on-guy flirting is not de rigueur.

    As for smiling more, well I can smile if I really have to, but it would be in response to the conversation or something ... I don't wander about with a maniacal grin for no reason. That would probably scare away even more people.
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Jan 03, 2010 6:33 AM GMT
    sure, there's something to say about smiling and not appearing standoffish (whatever that means) but i think when people say "you looked intimidating" or "not friendly", i think that's just them using a cop-out for them being pussies and not wanting to approach anybody
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    Jan 03, 2010 8:16 AM GMT
    yeah I get this, that I look mean, intimidating, unapproachable.. I don't get it, I'm just me, but, eh, I'm happy so I don't really care.
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    Jan 03, 2010 8:19 AM GMT
    jimbobthedevil saidAt least they're not telling you that you look mean.

    My friends torment me when we're out; they accuse me of going to gay bars with the express purpose of ignoring everyone in the bar. Which is silly of course. I never ignore the bartender.

    Most people assume I'm straight too, even in gay bars. It's because I have no fashion sense, don't dance, and prefer to drink dark beers. Go figure.

    Your the type I'd totally hit on hehe, I never find a guy that looks intimidating or scary.. Hell, I'll even buy you a stout icon_razz.gif
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    Jan 03, 2010 8:59 AM GMT
    i hear it all the time, i blame it on my eyebrows , they kind of droop and it makes me look like an asshole i guess
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    Jan 03, 2010 9:09 AM GMT
    I bet most of you guys actually take it as a compliment icon_smile.gif

    I try to always look friendly, especially when I am around strangers. I don't need to pretend to be more than them... maybe I am, but making mean faces is not the way to prove it.
    However, I know exactly what you are talking about. I have seen guys at gay clubs who look just so ... hostile. It's like they're gonna kick your ass if you ask them to dance. Which is really stupid because these places are supposed to be fun. I know not all of them are actually this way, but there are some people who simply give a certain impression... sometimes by choice, sometimes not.

    But if somebody really wanted to change the way others think of them, they could. ;)
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    Jan 03, 2010 10:26 AM GMT
    I dont understand why it would be a problem either, you look normal.
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    Jan 03, 2010 11:55 AM GMT
    I get that a lot, too, but they're right. I don't care to talk to most people unless I approach them to start a conversation. On the rare occasion that I do visit a bar, I'm there with friends and don't care to be bothered by some lush looking to get down my pants. The more intimidating your appearance, the less likely you are to get into trouble.
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    Jan 03, 2010 3:42 PM GMT
    Smiling more, for me doesn't work. Why do I have to walk around like a grinning idiot? I'm pretty much relaxed and easy going when I go out, always open to conversation and socializing. If a guy can't pick up on the positive vibes I'm sending out, then he's not being very perceptive or open in the first place is he?

    If he is convinced that I am intimidating then, that's his problem. There's not much I can do to change his pre-judgements. I'm not a therapist either and it would be nice if a guy made the extra effort to make me feel comfortable every so often.

    I try that smiling thing sometimes with guys I want to meet, or guys I sense are staring at me (which happens a lot). Three things usually happen. 1) He will smile back and after I try casual talking, he still will be paralyzed with fear and runs away. 2) He smiles back and we begin to talk but he ends up being snotty, distant anyway or worse strangely "out to prove something". OR 3) Being hassled by vulgar, abusive, disrespectful, clueless idiots with bloated egos cause they think they "bagged" a hot one. Its embarressing to have to call security like some pathetic damsel in distress. My intial feeling is to knock them over but sometimes things get out of hand and can't be controlled on my own.

    The best I can do is check my breathe...lol.....my body language and continue to have a good time, but plastering a fake smile on my face just doesn't solve the problem and actually creates new ones. I also don't do well participating in nonsense conversations that aren't funny or intelligent.

    It also depends on the situation and the venue. If its a crowded club or restaurant where there is booze, the above happens. If its a more relaxed situation, like a hobby club/organization or even walking on the steet, things are much easier.