Am I to desperate

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 13, 2007 6:59 PM GMT
    Im 20 and never had anything remotly to a reltionship with another guy I don't even know any gay guys and I don't realy want to meet some one over the internet I wanna meet someone the old fashion way.
    So am I to deperate for wanting a real relationship with someone?
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    May 13, 2007 7:16 PM GMT
    Well you are very young and you don't have to rush into anything.

    Nothing wrong with meeting with people on the internet as well. As long as that is not the only way you socialize.

    I try to be patient and try to be out there, without holding my breath.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    May 13, 2007 7:32 PM GMT
    You sound panicky and you're just over 20?
    Give yourself sometime...
    where do you live?
    If it's way out in the str8 land boonies you might need the internet to find someone
    but go out to gay clubs...gay events
    maybe volunteer somewhere...
    be where there are other gay guys and you'll see
    you'll find someone
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    May 13, 2007 7:41 PM GMT
    Happy Mother's Day!
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    May 14, 2007 1:31 AM GMT
    You just want the same things as many other people do. Desperation is only when you make rash decisions, jeopardizing your own safety and wellbeing.

    Be realistic about the possibilities of meeting potential partners where you are. If the society there is less tolerant, you'll probably need to rely more on the internet. Looking online is not a bad thing; it is a convenience afforded by technology. Just know what the pitfalls/limitations are, and be safe.
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    May 14, 2007 1:09 PM GMT
    First off confusis R E L A X!!!!! your only 20, I know your life seems all do or die right know but trust me, once you get into the cycle of being a full fledged adult you will see things alot differently. Your twenties are the time when your still figuring what type of man you are let alone what type of man you think you want for a BF. Life really is only as dramatic as you make it. The only drama I like is on TV.
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    May 14, 2007 3:00 PM GMT
    I agree that going out and participating in activities you enjoy with other gay people is a great way to make friends/possibly find a romantic connection.

    For right now, though, you need to stop being so preoccupied with finding someone immediately. The best relationships are those that aren't forced. I personally would be disinterested in someone who seemed more concerned with having a relationship as opposed having a relationship with me specifically. People know when you are interested in just them versus the notion of having a relationship in general, and it is very unattractive. So calm down and focus on making friends first.

    As a segue from that idea...the internet is a great place to make friends. If something is to progress beyong friendship, great, but if you go in with the mindset that friends are all you are after, you won't be disappointed. Sure, you will meet some liars, etc. on the internet, but isn't that true of "old fashioned" friends and boyfriends as well? People give the internet such a bad reputation as being a place where only creepy people meet. Sometimes this rings true...but are you really going to give up the opportunity to meet some truly fantastic people (such as I have) because it's not how you envisioned finding them? That would be a tragic waste.

    Above all, just be grateful that you know what you want, even if you aren't clear on how to get it. There are many people much older than you who still haven't figured that part out. You're 20, you'll be ok.
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    May 14, 2007 3:14 PM GMT
    First thing, you need to become more self-confident.

    Running around headless isn't something you'd do in real space (you'd die), and it's not something you should do in cyberspace. Come to like yourself, and the rest will follow. Common Sense 101. We don't need Oprah to tell us the obvious.

    You need to accept that many gay / bi folks are way bad head fucked, and then be willing to sort through them if you want a keeper. With nearly 6.5 BILLION folks in the world, it makes good sense to take an approach that doesn't leave you with a lemon of a guy. That's just plain silly. You deserve better than a faulty model.

    If someone is a pictureless, profileless, online, they probably aren't worth taking a second look at because the two things indicate much deeper underlying mental issues: low esteem, self-loathing, ugly, religiously conflicted, fat, married, cheating, dishonest, etc. All baggage that you need to steer clear of (common sense 101...this shit really isn't complicated unless you love a drama-filled life). In real life, you need to find someone with the same attributes that I mentioned above (self-confidence, appearance, integrity and s on) and that is drama free. If you encounter someone who is high drama, low esteem, "needy", dump them like a hot potato. There's absolutely no sense in fostering a fucked up relationship. Again, Common Sense 101. The saying goes fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you. People often don't change unless they "bottom out" and you don't need that baggage of someone like that. You get a lemon...get rid of them.

    While the approach of nearly zero tolerance may seem incompassionate by the fucked up folks being screened out, it will lower your stress level, and increase your happiness level, immensely. It's just like sifting through job candidates. A few might make more than one interview. The rest might get a rejection letter. A special group may end up in for a second or third interview, and the elite may end up in front of the board.

    Relationships are hard. REMEMBER: set yourself up for success by ditching the fucked up (head fucked, high drama, low esteem, dishonest, etc) folks immediately. Not putting up with drama will help your chances of success, and keep your efforts moving in a positive direction, rather than consistently doing an emotional roller coaster. Someone pisses you off...get them out of your life.
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    May 14, 2007 3:32 PM GMT
    its not desperation until you lower your standards consciously and change who you are for a relationship. If you really want to find a guy the old fashioned way go to your schools glbt club and expose yourself to gay people. Make sure your status on facebook says "interested in men". Also, if no one knows you are gay then its sort of hard to meet people. If your not obviously gay, then don't change who you are to protray the stereotype, but at the very least don't hide in the closet. You can have a regular relationship with someone you meet online so don't worry about how you met. But if you are obviously gay and no ones asking you out, I can't help you there bud. haha
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    May 14, 2007 5:10 PM GMT
    No, u r not desperate. That's why you still single



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    May 14, 2007 7:53 PM GMT
    Thanks guys.
    Just to reply on some of the Q.
    I live in South Africa and studying in a town where gay people aren't around very much. Im still in the closset and I know thats probably the probleme but I have to finish my degree before I come out Im still financially dependent on my parents end they will shurly disown me if they find out.
    But thanks any way for your comments
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    May 19, 2007 6:44 PM GMT
    Confusis, your not desperate. I hooked up with my first guy a couple of months ago at the age of 28. Dont rush into anything. It will happen when it is suppose to happen.
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    May 19, 2007 7:51 PM GMT
    all this advice is great for me too- thanx guys. and thanx for asking the question man- i'm in the exact same boat. im 20, have been out for 5 years, and though i've been in relationships, the all leave me dissapointed and less hopeful of finding 'the one.' im kinda traditional and don't like hookups- and though i realize the internet is a powerful tool and am not adverse to using it... i'd rather meet someone the old fashioned way. what makes matters more difficult: i hate the 'scene.' i don't like gay clubs and bars- they're so predatory and sleezy, u know? plus im just so picky- i have high standards! and while people caution against lowering those standards... there really isn't ANYONE in cincinnati i've found worth dating. the personals sites make it seem like all the gorgeous men are in california, new york, or florida- no where i'll be living any time soon. im so disheartened, and though i know im young, it doesn't lessen my desire for a good boyfriend in knowing so. all my straight friends have significant others... :(
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    May 19, 2007 7:57 PM GMT
    chuckystud, i especially appreciate your post- thanx. i agree completely with everything you say. its just difficult, when one wants something so badly, to be patient. patience is a virtue however, and i realize that to sort through all the insane queers out there (as you wisely and thuroughly put it better than i), one needs a good DEAL of patience lol. i guess, stuck here in Ohio for the next few years of school... my faith in the gay population on the whole is withering; everyone just wants sex. and everyone does indeed seem to be a bit crazy, to various degrees- probably due to the psychological trauma of having been closeted and self-hating at some point in early life?
    the only guys i find that im interested in are online and way too far away to be seriously considered. i suppose i just want to find someone NEAR me worth dating.
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    May 21, 2007 7:36 PM GMT
    wow, these are pretty good responses

    I think the best advice was make sure you want to be in a relationship with the specific person you want to be with and not "I want a relationship and I want it to be like XXX" because at that point you're just looking for someone to fill that position, and personally I think thats just as bad as having random sex. You're then using a person as a means to an end and not respecting them as an individual. There was a guy I met that was upset because he loved his boyfriend but his boyfriend was an ass. He skipped out on the guy the past two weekends, even cheating on the guy the weekend before, but this guy said he still loved his boyfriend. We asked him why buthe couldn't give any kind of answer. He is a hot mess. Don't be a hot mess. Make sure you're a fully functional person by yourself first.

    Relationships are like fishing, when something first starts DON'T get way too intense, you have to reel it in some then let it out. If you try to jerk your pole (huhuhuhuhu) as soon as you feel a nibble you'll rip the hook out of the fish's mouth every time. There are too many guys that after one date or phone call or whatever want to be ALL UP IN YOUR NUTZ 24/7- that's really not very attractive, and if someone does find that attractive then grab the popcorn, becuase theatrics are about to begin.

    Somebody once said "love is friendship set on fire" (my HS Drama Club president in an email sig..but she stole it from someone) and I find that works pretty well.
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    May 25, 2007 5:31 AM GMT
    I feel the same way and I'm only 18.

    I wouldn't say that you're desperate. I know how it is, its extremely tough for young people like us who know what we want at such a young age, but haven't really had enough time to make connections and branch out into the gay community.

    I have one gay friend and thats it, other than that I don't know any openly gay people and haven't known any other than the people who I was I seeing for a short while.

    Like you it was nothing close to relationship at all. I don't think a month constitutes anything at all. There's nothing wrong with meeting people over the internet just as long as you're straight up and honest about yourself and they are too. But you'll probably do yourself a lot of good by looking for friends to hang with over the net along with a few potential dates.

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    Jul 12, 2007 11:58 PM GMT
    I really want to offer advice to you...but I'm not sure where to start. With a 37 year relationship under my belt, you'd think I'd have some sage advice, but, at the same time, I've been off the market so long, that I'm not sure I remember what you're going through. I know I wasn't looking for Mr. Right when I found my better half, I was just looking for the next bed partner. But this one was different; he wrote me a "thank you, nice to meet you" note. It cast a different light on the encounter, so I saw him again...and he saw me again, etc., etc. And eventually we exchanged rings. I do know finding "the one" was totally unexpected for me; I was into getting laid as often as I could. Because of that, I can't talk about the success of looking for and finding Mr. Right. Most of our LTR friends happened upon each other...they weren't really looking. If you're "looking for Mr. Right" you may be putting too much pressure on your search and the available candidates...even if you are not desperate, maybe you are acting desperately. But that doesn't mean you should be. You're young. Give yourself a chance. You're still learning to be an adult. Go get laid...you don't need a partner to get through life; but if one comes along, that's even better. Once you find him, that's not the end of the rainbow. It's a lot of work to maintain a long term relationship. There will be some really tough periods through your lifetime, but learning to argue, to forgive and forget are necessary parts of the deal. It took both of us a lot of effort to make this thing work, but I'm more in love with him now than I ever have been. On the other hand, you can give yourself the best chance to meet a compatible man. If you want an athlete, hang out with athletic folks, gym, sports groups, etc. If you want an artsy person, go to plays, galleries and museums. Talk to people. Ask people out. You're going to go out with some lemons; accept it. But eventually that one will show up; just hope you're able to recognize him.
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    Jul 15, 2007 5:43 PM GMT
    Purely by coincidence, my partner and I watched a film from Blockbuster last night entitled "First Out", a collection of five short gay films. The fourth, entitled "Meet Joe Gay", 'though not a super film, seems to have been made to answer your question. I recommend it to you strongly.
    While I'm back on this thread, I want to point out that my suggestion to "get laid" in my first post was merely a euphemism for "go have fun"...whatever that may be to you.
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    Jul 15, 2007 6:10 PM GMT
    I for one am in the Same boat with you on wanting to meet someone. I understand you're 20 and a lot of older gay guys say, you're young, enjoy it. Well I for one find that a weak answer. Nobody wants their first real relationship at 35. The point of dating and relationships is to help mature and grow our capacity for having a life partner. I live in NYC and im 22, been out for 10 years and Ive never had a boyfriend because it does seem everyone is out for sex. What ive come to learn is, they say dont look for it, fine, but also dont be afraid to go for it if you see someone you like and there is opportunity. So many guys are to intimidated to strike up a conversation with other guys. Also, dont depend solely on bars and clubs, there are so many other outlets to meet people. Through events, hobbies, friends. If you do meet someone dont be afraid to ask for a date, just the other day I went out with a 20 year old and he provided a much more mature and exciting experience then a lot of the older guys ive been out with.
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    Mar 07, 2009 6:38 PM GMT
    Confusis:

    I saw this old thread and thought I'd ask how you're doing now a couple of years removed from your forum. Any luck finding more gay guys around you? Coming out? Finding a relationship? More comfortable with yourself?
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    Mar 07, 2009 6:49 PM GMT
    hey confusis..wow I can totally relate. I'm 19 and not out of the closet yet either. I don't know many gay guys and never had any relationship with one. I have my own apartment but I know my parents would never talk to me again if they found out. Sometimes I feel desperate but I just try to meet as many people as possible and keep going icon_smile.gif
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    Mar 07, 2009 7:42 PM GMT
    Totally in the same boat as you, mate. icon_cry.gif
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    Apr 05, 2009 6:44 PM GMT
    Big hugg for you fellow! You're in a tight spot(school, area you live, money,etc). Fully understand. Don't give up. We've all been there. It could and probably will happen. I myself have a terrible time meeting the right one. For years I would go without meeting any guys that I bonded with emotionally. Oh, I could get gorgeous and beautiful men in droves that wanted to try me out, but the chemistry/emotional thing has only occurred twice(long story why I'm currently sigle). It's a completely different thing. Getting a guy to actually be in love with you. The most important thing is that you don't get despondent and get down on yourself.icon_wink.gif It's easy to get that way, sometimes I can feel myself drifting that way, but talk myself out of it.

    Just be careful and remember men are big time game players. So don't let yourself get hurt emotionally.

    Sad, but most likely true, unless you get really lucky, is you'll have to wait until you can move to a major metro area. That's where all the guys come out of hiding. Then you'll have them all over you.

    Be patient. Good luck! icon_wink.gificon_cool.gif