Getting in a relationship=ignoring your friends.

  • ShagonTheHate

    Posts: 135

    Jan 06, 2010 5:09 PM GMT
    I've been seeing a lot of this behavior lately... whether it be myself or hearing it from friends... Remember I speak only for Croatia where I come from, I dunno how it is somewhere else, that's why I'm asking. I know quite a few gay guys from back when they were single... they went out with other gay/str8 friends (but mostly gay), wrote on forums etc., but since they've found somebody they're acting all high and mighty, like why should I write on a stupid forum and they even ignore the people they called friends when they were single. One example: I asked a friend of mine to go out for drinks and of course he can bring his new bf... His answer was: I only go out with my bf. I was likeicon_eek.gif , but since then I've noticed more and more behavior like this, to the point that everyone I knew when they were solo has never ever called me or any of our mutual friends since they're in a relationship. They also act like they're something better now and everyone else is I dunno, junk? And it's not like it lasts for 2-3 months when a new couple need their privacy all the time, it lasts all the way until they break up, then some of them start calling back.

    Have any of you experienced this?

  • ShagonTheHate

    Posts: 135

    Jan 06, 2010 5:13 PM GMT
    I've been talking to a few fellow friends of mine on a croatian gay forum and we all noticed this, so I decided to post it here where there's 100 times more users and they're not all from the same place.
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    Jan 06, 2010 6:17 PM GMT
    Yep I'm guilty of that and I dont know y I do stupid shit like that and not I dont have a bf and I'm woundering if my friends r going to talk to meicon_confused.gif
  • DanBasil

    Posts: 173

    Jan 06, 2010 6:19 PM GMT
    Personally I allow friends a window of about a year from the start of a serious relationship before I get overly concerned that they never hang-out or talk to me. I think the infatuation period is important and respect that, plus after about a year, they are retuirning to a former sense of who they are and needing more personal space. Just my guide I use, but I accept the behavior as normal.
  • LuckyPierre

    Posts: 192

    Jan 06, 2010 6:25 PM GMT
    Yep-I think it sucks... and when the relationship falls apart you are expected to be there to pick up the pieces and help your friend get thru to the next one...

    Kevin-you listening??? icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Csrobbie2000

    Posts: 359

    Jan 06, 2010 6:26 PM GMT
    It happens to me a few times with my friends, and I really hate it. When I'm in a relationship, I usually try to get my bf to hang out with my friends as much as possible. I think family and friends are very important, and I will never want to give them up just because I have a bf. If they love me, they will have to make an effort to hang out sometimes even if they don't like each other.
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    Jan 06, 2010 6:30 PM GMT
    I've seen this behavior many times with lots of friends.
    It is normal I think because a persons priorities change when they are in a relationship... I'm not saying it's a good thing or a bad thing but it is just the way it is. It's unfortunate when it happens because it can be very alienating and can make the friendship harder to rekindle. Knowing this *you* have to decide if they are important enough to be there when the reach out to you... and they almost always do.

    As far as the judgment that is connotatively placed on being single... that drives me BANANAS!! Of all the issues in the world, starvation, homelessness, disease epidemics, poverty, genocide, etc., if I'm not faced with any of these dilemmas then why in the world would being single be such a curse?
    It drives me nuts when people lose perspective of the living conditions for the general world populace. If being single is my only problem... Christ on Crutches I'm a Happy Camper!!!
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    Jan 06, 2010 6:37 PM GMT
    Better question: How many have been on the ignoring side of this instead of the ignored?

    I'll step forward... I have dissed friends because of relationships. I mean, you go from doing everything with your friends to wanting to spend as much time as possible with someone you're falling for. What are you supposed to do? I would hope my friends understand that. On the other hand, repeat offenders would get annoying after a few times doing this I guess.

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    Jan 06, 2010 6:37 PM GMT
    Everyone does it, and you'll do it one day too. Just roll with it. The best piece of advice I ever got was that all things in this world must change to remain. If you want to keep up a friendship with a person in this situation, you've got to realize that the type of friendship you had before must change.
  • ShagonTheHate

    Posts: 135

    Jan 06, 2010 6:50 PM GMT
    JSnow789 saidYep-I think it sucks... and when the relationship falls apart you are expected to be there to pick up the pieces and help your friend get thru to the next one...

    Kevin-you listening??? icon_rolleyes.gif


    I think I have a few of those on my listicon_lol.gif.


    EasilyDistracted said...


    I do understand that people feel they're very lucky when they find someone, heck I did too and will again when I find somebody, but it's not like I've reached nirvana or sth, there are a few other things I'd like to be better in my life that are more important to me than having a bf.

    Skotlake said...


    I dunno, maybe I will in the future, but I'll try not to for sure. It didn't happen with my last bf at least, when we started dating I sometimes even took him out with some of my other friends, when it got more serious we did take 2-3 months for ourselves, but after that we would have driven ourselves crazy being together 24/7 and not having separate things in life. I don't understand how someone can spend a year mostly or only socializing with their partner and eventually not start to go on their nerves, not being together all the time makes it so much sweeter when you finally are back together again.icon_wink.gif
    Btw I can't imagine not hearing from my best friends for a year or more.icon_eek.gif

    Btw ur cute!icon_lol.gif
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    Jan 06, 2010 6:55 PM GMT
    Skotlake saidEveryone does it, and you'll do it one day too. Just roll with it. .


    It depends. If the friendship consisted of occasional getting-together, shared activities, then I agree.

    However, if the friendship was very tight, full of affection, and close bonding, then beware. If you pull away from that, don't expect your friend to maintain the same level of committment and feeling just because you're partnered. Don't expect your friend to tread water.

    He will find other people to fill the void, and when you (as is almost always, but not always, the case) break up, don't expect your friend to be there at the same emotional level. In a sense, you "left him." So you will need to deal with the fact that his emotional connection will be changed, if not gone, too, when you decide you need him again.

    John
  • boilerup_82

    Posts: 188

    Jan 06, 2010 7:01 PM GMT
    I think there has to be a balance. In the beginning (the first couple of months or so), it's normal to spend MOST of the time with your bf since you're trying to know each other and what not. But afterwards, this is were the balancing comes in. Personally, i try to split it 50-50, 50% of the time with the bf, and 50% with the rest of your friends.

    I dont know, for me, i find it impossible to ignore my friends for long periods of time. We have been thorough so much (good and bad), and I just cant imagine blowing them off for a bf. One thing people need to remember is that your friends will ALWAYS be there for you, where as your bf will be there until you break up.

    Regarding the "new" couple feeling as if they are better than anyone else and not wanting to hang out at the bars or what not, I have also experienced that. I dont know where this attitude comes from, it's seriously stupid. I'm all about meeting new people (regardless whether i have a bf or not), this does not mean I wanna hook up with all of them.

    Ohh yeah, one thing that also annoys me is when guys bring their bf/gf to EVERYTHING. I totally understand that you want your bf to meet and hang out your friends but really? ALL THE TIME? 70% of the time would be acceptable. for me, I just hate clingy-ness. There are sometimes when i just want to hang out with my friends and i'd like him to hang out with his.

    anyone with me? most likely not...lol
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    Jan 06, 2010 7:02 PM GMT
    djdorchester2 saidBetter question: How many have been on the ignoring side of this instead of the ignored?

    I do this all the time but I do it to have alone time. I spend A LOT of time out with people and every few months I turn into a hermit for a month or so and avoid everyone in favor of two or three people. I'm kind of in one of those modes right now and was telling my best friend how I've received four vmails in the past week with people whining about not seeing me. One guy lashed out at me on Christmas Day, we had a very terse discussion in line at Starbucks, then I did the friend break-up with him right there and walked away.
    I love my friends and want to be there for them but when I need my space *I need my space* and resent when someone else expects me to put their neediness over my needs.
  • ShagonTheHate

    Posts: 135

    Jan 06, 2010 7:18 PM GMT
    @EasilyDistracted: A month or so is fineicon_smile.gif.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jan 06, 2010 7:28 PM GMT
    I'd say this is pretty common. For some people, they have pretty busy lives and can't multi-task. I suppose it would make sense that they funnel their available energy in their new partner.

    But, I had a friend who needed a boyfriend. When he had one it would be a struggle to make time to spend with him. And he wasn't that busy of guy. But when he'd break up with the bf, he'd spend time with me as if I was his boyfriend. Maybe he just hated being alone. But it was too bipolar for me. I spoke to him about it a few times, until I gave him a warning that I couldn't take it any more. I ended our friendship for several years. He was one of my closest friends at the time, so it was painful, but I needed it for my sanity. We're friends again, but it's not like it was. And, from what I've observed, it doesn't seem like he's changed much in the intervening years, so the separation is a good thing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2010 8:07 PM GMT
    yeah I'm guilty of this - but you know I figure my friends' lives are fine, normal - when we try to get together, I bring the bf along and beside work and other things are kicking my ass so my time is very limited, so I tried to have a balance in both . icon_cool.gif
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    Jan 06, 2010 8:15 PM GMT
    I'm not sure I ever did this, I don't recall doing so. But When one of my men had to go home to Russia, after he went home I pushed many friends away, and not long after that I started to landscape my new land with nothing but weeds rocks and clay garden, and have been doing so for ten years. I had friends that where happy to come over and watch me work, but never wonted to give a helping hand, so I pissed them off too.
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    Jan 06, 2010 8:40 PM GMT
    It is not specific to one Country or region. I see and hear it all the time.

    I had a straight friend of over 20 years, she got married and completely disappeared. And then wondered why I was not there 6 years later when she was upset because her father died.

    I am not here to be a temporary friend to fill in time until someone finds a spouse. That is insulting, and that is not a friendship, that is a discardable item.

    True friends are there for each other, and not selfishly pushing someone aside because they are getting laid, because a majority of the time the "relationship" falls apart.

    There is always time to get together with friends, if one makes the time. Granted it will not be the same amount of time, but that is too be expected as a friend develops a new relationship.

    You find out who your real friends are this way. I have also found people who are in relationships already make more stable friendships.

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    Jan 06, 2010 9:05 PM GMT
    You speak for Croatia? And at such a young age.

    You'll go far in life, Mr. Diplomat. icon_wink.gif
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    Jan 06, 2010 9:14 PM GMT
    Good topic. Don't ignore your friends. You have to make the time for your friends. Friends are priceless. Include them in your daily life and make them part of your life with your lover.

    During my very long term relationship, my very close friends moved away, or died and I did little to establish new friends or nurture the ones that were left. When the relationship ended, there was practically nobody around.

    I've re-established my close freindships and made some fantastic new ones. But it has been extremely difficult. You can't just appear and say "Be my friend". And sometimes the world seems a bit more colder and complicated than I remember.

    If I were in a LTR again I would still maintain and expand my social activities, like hobbies, organizations and other interests......things that make me happy. And I would encourage my mate to do the same.

    One of my biggest complaints is when 2 guys start looking, talking and sounding like each other and can't/won't go out without the other. Settling down doesn't mean you loose your identity. That's why your lover liked you in the first place.icon_eek.gif
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    Jan 06, 2010 9:30 PM GMT
    boilerup_82 said i try to split it 50-50, 50% of the time with the bf, and 50% with the rest of your friends.

    Your bf must be a rare bird to be comfortable with this.
    Too much cocooning is unhealthy. But I think most bfs would complain bitterly if your separate-friends time even approached 50%.
  • ShagonTheHate

    Posts: 135

    Jan 06, 2010 9:37 PM GMT
    reppaT saidYou speak for Croatia? And at such a young age.

    You'll go far in life, Mr. Diplomat. icon_wink.gif


    Gay life in Croatia pretty much sums up to gay life in the capital Zagreb icon_lol.gif where I'm from so it's not that hard to generalize... Still I don't speak for all Croatian gays, I'm only saying that I think I've experienced it too many times already (and I'm not talking 2-3 times but 10 or more) plus I've talked to some friends who've also jumped at the first word of it and started having panic attacksXD. But ok, I do admit I still have much to learn icon_wink.gif , seeing that the advice is coming from someone more experienced, who knows what I'll think later on (even though I believe it'll be the sameicon_lol.gif )

    And yeah, you're from New York and this is Zagrebicon_lol.gifso I do understand it's perhaps hard for you to imagine me knowing probably 50% of the gays who are out over here.

    kevinsbeach said Although it is in the straight world too, but its not as bad as in the gay world where my gay friends completely disappear.


    Exactly...
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Jan 06, 2010 9:53 PM GMT
    Everyone gay or straight likes to nest when they start a relationship.
    I can almost always tell by how frequent someone is online to their single status.
    Now for me almost 8 years in, we socialize together mostly or I will socialize when he is travleing for work.
    Anyone can ask me for coffee anytime and if I'm free I'll go.
    It's nothing personal, it takes time to figure how to balance love and life.
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    Jan 06, 2010 10:02 PM GMT
    I agree with a2jock I think that you should include your friends in as many of your activities with your bf or when you need time apart from your bf. Sure there is the honeymoon period to consider, but shouldn't your bf be secure enough to deal with the fact you need your friends in your life?After all you had a life before you met him did you not?

    I think people need to be open with their bf and encourage them to involve both your and his friends in the relationship and get togethers too.

    I think it sux when people pull right away from friends just because they're in a relationship. It shows peoples true colours. You should still care for your friends & try to make the effort I think.



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    Jan 06, 2010 10:34 PM GMT
    Sure, I've experienced this. I had a very close friend I saw dailywho would get involved and do the disapearing trick for many months at a time - but I'd be the first person he'd call in tears when the relationship went south.

    On a smaller scale it's like the guy who asks you to go to a bar or club with him then dumps and ignores you the minute he hooks up with someone - so you're just the 'in-between' friend.

    I used to put up with this - no longer!