Need a little advice (first post, be gentle)

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    Jan 07, 2010 6:35 AM GMT
    Hey RealJocks,
    Ok so first Hai! First post here... been lurking in the shadows for a good few months.. at any rate... I could really use some advice and there appears to be a lot of great people on here to possibly help.

    I have been in a relationship now for almost 6 years. I love him. Find him attractive, and funny, and nice and fun to be around. We live together, we bought a house about 3 years ago. Sex was never a huge part of our relationship however we were having sex at least once or twice a week. We took a "break" about 2 years ago because I was webcamming, however, my reasoning behind it was legit I feel. We weren't having sex (for almost a year at this point), So I was getting gratification through the lesser of evils. Virtual hookups?! lol if that's what you want to call it. versus cheating in real life and having a physical hook up. At least that's what I was thinking in my head at the time.

    We separated for about 3 months, dated/fucked around etc... but realized we really did/do care about each other and could work past the issue. We got back together and had a couple months of amazing sex then again.. it stopped. and now it's been a year and a half with no sex. I am realizing that I need this in my life. No not an everyday thing, but If I am with someone, I want them to want to be with me and have fun with me in bed. I don't want to jerk off for 18 months. Cause I can do that single. No problem. I talked to him before the holidays started regarding the no sex issue and said that It is something that I need. He said that it was from stress from losing his job (which I understood, but that situation was pretty recent, and he had been working a new job for almost 3 months since that) and gaining some weight and he just had no sex drive. Since then I have given him 2 Blow Jobs, and no reciprocation what so ever. He says he's not comfortable with his body (he has gained some weight since we have been together, but as I told him... I don't care about the little 15 pounds he has... I still find him sexy). He said he needs to start working out (he's one of those lucky ones who all through their life could eat McDonalds daily and lose 5lbs at the end of the week.) but he has yet to go to the gym that he has been a member of for over a year now.

    My question...

    How do I help him past this? Is there a way past this? I really can not see myself going another year with no sex, because I am afraid that I will in fact stray and cheat. : / And I don't want to but I feel backed into a corner at this point.

    Thanks for listening.
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    Jan 07, 2010 1:31 PM GMT
    i second jprichva's motion.

    no sex for a year and a half isn't normal -or healthy.

    best of luck!
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    Jan 07, 2010 2:15 PM GMT
    The root of ALL evils, even physical ones, ALL lie in the emotional/mental state of mind. And until HE gets to the root of the issue nothing YOU do or say is gonna motivate him. The decision at this point is up to you and if YOU want to stick out and come up with allowances for yourself and him OR you call it quits. However, there is nothing much you can do, he HAS to be the one to pull the trigger on "snapping out of it"!

    GOOD LUCK MAN!!!
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    Jan 07, 2010 2:27 PM GMT
    Since you're asking for advice..

    In my opinion the truth will set you free, if you are unfulfilled and thinking of straying, you need to man up and say it. Cheating will fulfill you're sexual desire, but you need to realize that conciously being deceptive is no way to treat a relationship...imo..your guy needs to come to grips with the root of the issue. 2 cents.
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    Jan 07, 2010 2:30 PM GMT
    Yeah...he does seem depressed but i figure he won't take too well to the idea of going to a psychiatrist. What you COULD do is use the pretense of couple's counseling (which might be a good idea since your relationship has some relatively big issues) to get him to see a psychiatrist.
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    Jan 07, 2010 2:31 PM GMT
    As you've already proven by your past actions, if you're sexually unsatisfied you're going to cheat (at least by his definition... i.e. using the cam online). I think it's unreasonable for your boyfriend, who apparently has no sexual desire, to also expect YOU to have no sexual desires.

    But it does seem, as others have mentioned, that these issues of your boyfriend's are caused by and/or stem from depression of some kind.

    I think you have to take stock. Are you willing to roll with the punches and deal with however many months of maybe-yes-maybe-no sex? Are you willing to risk "cheating" and being caught again? Is it worth it to ask for a little discreet (i.e. he doesn't have to know about it) freedom to keep yourself milked while still proving yourself to be a standup guy and help him through his issues?
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    Jan 07, 2010 2:34 PM GMT
    kudos you lasted a long time, thats wrong.
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    Jan 07, 2010 2:34 PM GMT
    kudos you lasted a long time, thats wrong.
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    Jan 07, 2010 2:37 PM GMT
    Hey csquared,

    There are some smart replies above, I hope they've helped. I wanted to add that I think it's really cool that you are agonizing so much about this. Not that it's cool that you're going through it, but that you so badly want to help him, care for him enough to want to stick it out and avoid the cheating path. Huge credit to you. A lot of people would have run away by now, but it takes a strong, committed person to do what you're doing. No matter how it turns out, be sure to give yourself credit. He has no idea how lucky he is.

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    Jan 07, 2010 2:41 PM GMT
    Well, you might ask him if he wants to get his sex drive / former body back, and if so, offer to help out. You two could workout together or start with more foreplay and build up from there.

    I'd also recommend he look at his diet (is he vegetarian?), cause that can have a big effect on libido.

    Not having a sex drive is normal sometimes, but it will wreck havoc on your relationship if it lasts for a long time. If all else fails, you might want to try couples therapy. Any relationship that's lasted 6 years is worth trying to save.
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    Jan 07, 2010 2:43 PM GMT
    Wow. There are a dozen big problems here.

    1) Webcaming: webcaming isn't cheating. It is interactive porn. If he isn't going to wrap his lips around your cock, then he needs to let you get off. Not having sex with you and not allowing you a sexual outlet is unacceptable. What is equally unacceptable is not talking to him about this. To ensure your sexual needs are met, there is going to be little sacrifice. You sacrifice sex with him. He sacrifices his stranglehold over your sexual expression.

    2) Excuses: Why isn't he having sex with you again? It sounds like he is just pulling excuses out of his ass. Unemployment one day, body image the next. There is a reason he doesn't want sex with you, and he isn't telling you about it. He might not even know what it is.

    3) Sex: He has sex drive enough to get a blow job, but not enough to give you some? He can't summon the strength to puck up and let you throat fuck him? You can have a rabid fit of fucking when you got back together but you will have a year long dry spell?

    There are so many possibilities. He could be cheating on you. He could be depressed (but not for a year and a half). The relationship could be over and he just has yet to tell you. But, from what I have read, the biggest problem in your relationship is communication. He is not honestly communicating with you. He feeds you bullshit lies about why he doesn't want a sexual relationship with you. And, I think you are also not communicating. You speak of conversations about sex problems in the singular. What was the plan to get things back on track? How were you going to accommodate your sex drive while he recovers?

    I don't know if the relationship can be saved. But I do know that it isn't worth saving unless he gets his ass into therapy and you being honest about how he is hurting you, what your needs are, and how they will be met.
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    Jan 07, 2010 3:30 PM GMT
    Yup. Time for professional help.

    Westheimer-Ruth.jpg

    Or better yet:

    39925_122346.jpg
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    Jan 07, 2010 3:44 PM GMT
    Well, in my opinion, if he's not getting it from you, there's a good likelihood he's getting it somewhere (either someone else or self manipulation) but it brings up a great question.

    Where do you draw the line in a relationship when it comes to sex and loving someone. I've advocated before my issues with 'monogamous' relationship in the past and this is exactly why I think the terminology is faulted. Here you have monogamous love, it seems, however the 'contract' (monogamous relationship) is broke by not completely fulfillment on both parts and not permitting the other person a way of sexually satisfying their needs.

    I think monogamous sex is what we would all would love (one person that can fulfill our sexual needs) but when our partner is unable to meet that need then getting it elsewhere (i.e.: hookups, bath house, cam, magazines, etc) is an option with boundaries set by both parties. The key would be to sit and talk to him and let him know that you're frustrated sexually but you don't want him to feel obligated just because of your need and that you would love for him to be more sexual. However, in the absence of that, you'd like to go elsewhere to fulfill that need. This does not mean you don't love him, it just means that there's a component of the relationship that needs to be viewed differently. Communication is key! Open up and lay it on the line so there's no question where each of you are on the subject. If this guy doesn't like spinach, do you fix spinach for him when you eat together? No, but would he have issues if you fixed spinach for yourself. Probably not. Why? Because you've communicated how you both feel about spinach and he knows there is no expectation for him to partake in eating the spinach. Sex is the much the same, talk about it, create solid boundaries (acceptable and unacceptable), participate together if possible and talk about it so as to not leave either party feeling out of the loop.

    One person in a relationship restricting the other from sexual activities is a recipe for disaster. We all know that eventually we'll get that need fulfilled somehow and unfortunately, all too often, it's secretly outside the relationship. Good luck.



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    Jan 07, 2010 3:47 PM GMT
    Wow! Thank you so much for all of the comments and feedback. You have all touched on some great points! I am going to talk to him and see what his thoughts are on a number of things. 1. Therapy 2. Working out Together 3. Letting me get off either via webcam 4. Ending the relationship

    All will be difficult to discuss... but all are valid questions/concern/issues as you have all pointed out. And again... thank you so much. /hugs4all icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jan 07, 2010 3:52 PM GMT
    Question...Does he beat off when you are not around? Have you asked him? Does he truly not ever have any form of sexual release? - If you do not know, then you should ask him...and get the honest answer.

    When I am up for sex and my partner is not, I will beat off lying next to him in bed. Usually when I do this, it makes him want to do the same. Sure, it isn't sex, but it helps to remind each other that sex is important and that both of you do have needs that only the other person can fill.

    Communication is key...verbal and nonverbal!
  • Celticmusl

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    Jan 07, 2010 4:10 PM GMT
    This seems to be a typical situation with a lot of posts....LTR, no sex.

    Here's what has been suggested before and I hope you take advantage of a few of these. At least your SO is willing to talk about it, which is great! Usually with these posts, the guy with no sex drive gets all apprehensive and pissy about discussing the issue.


    1. LOW TESTOSTERONE: He should get his hormones checked out to see if it is just hormonal.

    2. DRUGS: Is he on any medication or does he do any illicit drugs that have been known to cause problems with sex drives? For me it was Propecia for hair loss, and it took me and my ex about six months to figure out it was the drug....after that, no problems.

    3. DEPRESSION: Depending on his age group, there tends to be a huge drop off in sex drive around 40 or so, which goes away after a bit. Some people think it is a male menopause. Since your situation is going on much longer than that, it seems like because of his job loss, he is somewhat depressed. Gaining or losing weight is also a sign of depression. He might be very mildly depressed an yet that can manifest in no sex drive. When I lost my job and house and had to move into my sister's house.....it took me quite a few months to even start thinking about anything sexual.

    4. NATURALLY LOW IN SEX DRIVE: Some guys just don't have that much of a sex drive, which is fine. But it sounds like your SO has been very sexually active at times. I doubt it is this.

    5. COMPATIBILITY: This is just referring to cognitive reasoning why your spouse might not want to be sexual with you. There might be some unexplained reasons, that he might not even be aware of. So, like others have suggested, couples counseling or individual counseling should be explored.


    As many have pointed out, working out will help in a lot of ways. It helps with depression, natural testosterone production, plus body and self image issues.

    My vote is to get it medically checked out first before more complex talks arise.

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    Jan 07, 2010 11:15 PM GMT
    Thank again guys... all your advice is incredible.

    To answer a few questions...

    1) He is not on any drugs or medication (I have to force him to take an asprin)

    2) He does jerk off from time to time at least that's what he had told me in the past when I confronted him about this.

    3) He is affectionate with hugging and "cuddling" So it's not like he is repulsed by me or wont touch me. However skin on skin contact... not so much.

    4) Compatibility is something that I have been thinking of recently as well.. I think we rushed in to a lot of things and planning on building our life but failed to see if we would be and are compatible in the different dynamics of our relationship.

    5) I forgot to leave this out of the main post... and totally missed a huge point: I am sure his addiction to World of Warcraft isn't helping things, but I can't break him away from that. And on the flip side, I am a musician/composer so I am on my computer a lot as well.. so this scenario is definitely not helping. I've pulled myself away more to try to get him to do more stuff but with no luck.

    6) His diet is terrible, and when I say terrible.. I mean this guy can throw down the junk food/fast food etc..etc... and he is by no means fat. he has a 32" waist. When I met him he had a 30". However I think his metabolism is slowing down now that he is getting older (we are both 2icon_cool.gif. He makes fun of me when I want healthy food because some of it is wasted from going bad. And I have to explain with no preservatives and other additives to fresh food it will in fact go bad alot quicker than other foods that have all that nasty stuff in them.

    7) Depression is almost a guarantee at this point, however, He wont see a doctor unless he is dying. So trying to convince him to go see a doctor regarding this might be an ugly battle. But I feel that this needs to happen and I will present this to him as "hey... the way your feeling might just be a chemical imbalance, or something let's go make sure everything is ok." vs. "go to the doctor to fix yourself" lol (i would never say it like that, I'm too nice ahha)

    icon_cool.gif As for the webcamming/sex elsewhere this also has been on my mind a LOT. As far as needing release/sexual desires met. I am in battle with myself because I shouldn't have to go elsewhere for sex. The person I am with should want to be with me and be naked with me and make the sexy time with me. But again, I can't force him to feel any certain way about anything.. But I have needs (and this sounds so selfish) and I want to have those needs fulfilled.
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    Jan 07, 2010 11:25 PM GMT
    jprichva saidHe sounds depressed.


    Yup, exactly what I was thinking.

    You sound like a nice guy so I'm sure you'll be there for him.
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    Jan 09, 2010 2:33 AM GMT
    crazyboy963 saidWhen I am up for sex and my partner is not, I will beat off lying next to him in bed.


    If you do not do this...you totally should!! His chemical imbalance may fix it self with more frequent sex! In my experience...depression medication is more trouble than it is worth! This really does work! Ask him to kiss you as you are doing it. He will get hard and guess what that will probably mean...

    Also...if he is playing WoW, does that mean that he is staying up really late and coming to bed exhausted? That probably has a lot to do with it too. The game gives no real since of accomplishment and no valuable social interaction. You can't really force him to stop, but he needs to get over that game!

    Good luck!
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    Jan 10, 2010 7:09 PM GMT
    csquared said
    icon_cool.gif As for the webcamming/sex elsewhere this also has been on my mind a LOT. As far as needing release/sexual desires met. I am in battle with myself because I shouldn't have to go elsewhere for sex. The person I am with should want to be with me and be naked with me and make the sexy time with me. But again, I can't force him to feel any certain way about anything.. But I have needs (and this sounds so selfish) and I want to have those needs fulfilled.
    CS, there is nothing selfish about wanting to have your sexual needs fulfilled in a relationship. Those needs can be put on hold for brief periods of time when a bad situation warrants it, but 18 months is way to long to wait for that fulfillment. Your bf is not fulfilling his end of the bargain and it is time you put your foot down. Tell him exactly how you feel, how you think about sex outside the relationship. Then give him the choice of
    manning up and putting out enough to satisfy you
    or
    opening the relationship to allow you sex with others (if YOU want that)
    or
    ending the relationship.

    Don't accept any excuses, you've waited long enough.
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    Jan 10, 2010 7:18 PM GMT
    Lesbian Bed Death strikes gay men too.

    Here's some unsolicited advice:

    Suggest he get a full physical and talk about this with his doc
    Suggest that he get help for his depression
    Read lots of Dan Savage
    Be clear about your needs and expectations, negotiate and set limits
    Don't make false ultimatums
    Do all of the above, be patient, mind your own business and if he fails to follow through on self-care and you're unhappy, then move on.
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    Jan 10, 2010 7:24 PM GMT
    This is the same thing that is destroying my relationship too right now. I think about going out to get laid all the time. It's killing me. I doubt mine will last much longer. Sex is important, and if you're not getting it at all, it really strains the relationship, to put it nicely.
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    Jan 10, 2010 8:11 PM GMT
    Hey C^2,

    As far as physiological causes I couldn't have said it better than Celticmusl. As I was reading your original post I thought Low Testosterone or depression seemed the most likely but Celtic hit them all!

    On the relationship side, I hesitate to give you any advice. however, some of the best relationship advice I've ever received or seen given came from MenInLove. I was hoping they had already responded to your post but as they haven't I'd recommend shooting them an RJ-Mail. You won't be disappointed.
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    Jan 12, 2010 6:08 AM GMT
    jprichva saidHe sounds depressed. I wouldn't put it bluntly, but basically he needs to understand that he either goes to a therapist of some kind or the relationship may have to end.


    Best advice given.
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    Jan 12, 2010 5:33 PM GMT
    he needs on mood altering meds it sounds like. that is nothing caused by you. In some cases, those drugs stop the sex drive as well...bah