He considers me a friend, but as long as I'm back in the closet...

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    Jan 07, 2010 6:42 PM GMT
    See what y'all think...

    I recently found out from a colleague (PERSON A) of mine that he was recently approached by the wife (she is apparently SUPER religious and a super conservative) of another colleague (PERSON B) whom I work everyday with, and was asked to sign a petition for her church to help challenge the passing of gay marriage here in New Hampshire.

    Now, I've worked at this facility for 2 years now, and am very much openly gay. In fact, everyone in the town knew who and what I was about way before I officially started to take residency here.

    My friend (PERSON A) who is uber liberal and who could care less who everone's sleeping with was offended for me (he's straight). He refused to sign her clipboard. He told me that he was surprised that she approached him about this issue, especially if she knew that we worked with each other daily. Then I decided to ask my other colleague (PERSON B - who is the husband of the above nut job) whether he knew about his wife going around town collecting signatures.

    I asked him point blank if he was aware that his wife had approached my friend and medical colleague about this anti-gay marriage petition for their church. He said that he was and that it was put forth by their church. I then asked him if his wife was aware that he works with an openly gay man almost daily? To which he replied, "No, she really doesn't know about you. "

    I told him that it would explain why she didn't hesitate to ask my colleague (PERSON A) for a signature, because she was not aware that I was a close medical colleague of his. He apologized to me, saying that "I consider you my friend and I'm sorry if you are hurt by this".

    So, he considers me a friend as long as I remain in the closet and as long as his religious nut job of a wife doesn't know about me. Hmmmmmmmp

    Hope she doesn't need anesthesia services while I'm oncall. LOL.

    Discuss...
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    Jan 07, 2010 6:55 PM GMT
    Maybe you're reading too much into this - maybe he never brought your sexual preference up to his wife because it's not only a non-issue for him but because not everybody talks at length about their work colleagues at home.

    Because she has now brought herself into the workplace and impacted you, It will be interesting to see whether he relays your discomfort with her now.
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    Jan 07, 2010 7:00 PM GMT
    to be frank, your not his friend then. sounds like he merely brushed aside the issue at hand. im sure when he found out about this petition he thought briefly, " Oh fuck John Doe is gunna here this, better act like i never really knew." Acquiescence is for the underminded and weak, thank you for taking strong initiative to stand up for yourself and us. I'd create a petition that bans the supression of the pursuit of happiness and spread it around work and her church of hers just as a laugh lol.
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    Jan 07, 2010 7:13 PM GMT
    You never said in your post if you asked your friend how he felt about the issue. Because, for me, a person who feels that strongly that gay marriage should be outlawed is absolutely no friend of mine.

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    Jan 07, 2010 9:24 PM GMT
    Ask him how he would react if your partner asked HIM to sign a petition outlawing Christian marriage. How he would feel if you hid the fact that he was Christian from his friends. Or better yet, how he feels about his and his wife's church persecuting good people on a matter that's none of their freakin' business anyway?

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    Jan 07, 2010 9:31 PM GMT
    his wife is #1 priority for him, end of story. He refused to sign the petition, a lesser man would have just signed and sent her on her way to avoid any conflict.
  • tas_515

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    Jan 07, 2010 9:49 PM GMT
    Did she solicit petition signatures at your workplace? My employer prohibits employees and their spouses from soliciting signatures in the workplace, especially ones that could be viewed as harassing employees in a protected class. Just trying to stir the pot.
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    Jan 07, 2010 11:26 PM GMT
    eagermuscle saidMaybe you're reading too much into this - maybe he never brought your sexual preference up to his wife because it's not only a non-issue for him but because not everybody talks at length about their work colleagues at home.

    Because she has now brought herself into the workplace and impacted you, It will be interesting to see whether he relays your discomfort with her now.


    It's interesting that he acts so indifferent around me. I'm very outgoing and I speak my GAY mind around my co-workers and we ALL laugh because of it. I have a somewhat sick sense of humor and this guy laughs at all my jokes (some sexual in nature). I recalled an incident weeks ago, where in I told him a gay-oriented joke and he CRIED from laughing so hard!

    I now think that he's living a double life: One when he's at work, and another when he's at home. I just found out today from another colleague that he and his wife sent out a Christmas card a couple years ago to all of our medical staff with a letter inside entitled, "Evolution is A Farse". How F'd up is THAT?

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    Jan 07, 2010 11:28 PM GMT
    khill saidto be frank, your not his friend then. sounds like he merely brushed aside the issue at hand. im sure when he found out about this petition he thought briefly, " Oh fuck John Doe is gunna here this, better act like i never really knew." Acquiescence is for the underminded and weak, thank you for taking strong initiative to stand up for yourself and us. I'd create a petition that bans the supression of the pursuit of happiness and spread it around work and her church of hers just as a laugh lol.


    LOL! Funny you mentioned a counter-petition. The other anesthesiologist I work with mentioned that I should go up to him sometime with a clipboard, asking him to sign a petition, stopping his wife from collecting signatures amongst members of the hospital staff. LOL
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    Jan 07, 2010 11:30 PM GMT
    djdorchester2 saidYou never said in your post if you asked your friend how he felt about the issue. Because, for me, a person who feels that strongly that gay marriage should be outlawed is absolutely no friend of mine.



    I ALMOST asked him about his personal feelings about the issue. But I was somewhat afraid of what his answer would be. I had a strong feeling that he was against it like the other members of his church. IT IS WHAT IT IS. And you ARE right...he is NO friend of mine.
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    Jan 07, 2010 11:36 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidRelationships mixed with friendships can get touchy.

    If I understand correctly he was standing up for you. Did I read that correctly? That's a sign of a good friend.

    If his wife isn't accepting of gays then you should respect that part of his relationship. He may be accepting of you but obviously she's homophobic.

    I've learned that relationships always take precedence with people over friendships. Unfortunately that's how it seems to be. So when my friends find a relationship and if there's ever a conflict I always show respect for their relationship and usually keep quiet. Mind you, I don't take any abuse of any kind. Sometimes I just have to ask myself if the friendship is still worth having or if I can find a way to accept how things are. Just like your buddy's wife may not accept you for being gay.

    Good luck. icon_smile.gif


    No, person A was my friend who person B's wife asked for a signature. He refused to sign her petition. Person B, who I work with daily is HER husband. I confronted him about this and he told me that he was aware of it, since he is also very active in their church. He told me that his wife knows VERY little about me, despite the fact that, he considers me a friend.

    I did tell him that I do respect both he and his wife's opinions on whatever matter. But the only thing I wanted to know from him was if he knew about it and if his wife was aware that he works with an openly gay man almost daily at work.
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    Jan 07, 2010 11:38 PM GMT
    jimbobthedevil saidAsk him how he would react if your partner asked HIM to sign a petition outlawing Christian marriage. How he would feel if you hid the fact that he was Christian from his friends. Or better yet, how he feels about his and his wife's church persecuting good people on a matter that's none of their freakin' business anyway?



    The thoughts have crossed my mind. But I just decided to leave it be for now. I could tell, after he kept apologizing to me that he was bothered by it. I never did say that I accepted his apology. I just said, "It is what it is". I'll talk to you later.
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    Jan 07, 2010 11:41 PM GMT
    RST2009 saidhis wife is #1 priority for him, end of story. He refused to sign the petition, a lesser man would have just signed and sent her on her way to avoid any conflict.


    My colleague and friend, who didn't sign the petition is a TRUE friend. It is PERSON B's wife who is the right-wing nut job. I confronted PERSON B today to ask him if he knew that his wife was going around asking for signatures, and HE said he knew about it, but still considers me a friend. YET, his wife hardly knows that he works with me. Obviously, he's trying not to let her know, or she'd probably go ballistic on him.
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    Jan 07, 2010 11:42 PM GMT
    If he doesn't care who you sleep with, and considers you a friend, why would he discuss your sex life and whatnot with everyone?
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    Jan 07, 2010 11:46 PM GMT
    tas_515 saidDid she solicit petition signatures at your workplace? My employer prohibits employees and their spouses from soliciting signatures in the workplace, especially ones that could be viewed as harassing employees in a protected class. Just trying to stir the pot.


    No. It was done at PERSON A's home. And I did make that clear to PERSON B that, anything that goes on at his home, outside the hospital is FAIR GAME. But, I just wanted to make sure whether or not his wife knew, before asking PERSON A for a signature that he was a friend of mine and that I was OPENLY GAY at the hospital. Apparently, I found out from PERSON B that his wife knows very little about who I am, except that I give anesthesia.

    After finding this out, it became apparent, that if she'd known that I was friends with everyone with the surgical staff and that I was openly gay with everyone, that she wouldn't have approach PERSON A in the first place. But then again, she might have not cared whether or not he was a friend of mine.
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    Jan 07, 2010 11:56 PM GMT
    syd_hockey_79 saidIf he doesn't care who you sleep with, and considers you a friend, why would he discuss your sex life and whatnot with everyone?


    I clarified everyone's role above. Person A is the guy who refused to sign her stupid petition. Person B is her husband, who I also work with on a daily basis.
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    Jan 07, 2010 11:56 PM GMT
    Is it against policy to solicit at work places?
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    Jan 07, 2010 11:59 PM GMT
    Rodmramer saidIs it against policy to solicit at work places?


    It is. But she didn't do this at work. She went to a colleagues home, which is FAIR GAME. This town is very small. Everyone knows each other. I just wanted to make sure that her husband, whom I work with daily was aware of this. AND turned out, he did know about it, since he is active in their church. So, he's NOT really a FRIEND in my book.
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    Jan 08, 2010 12:08 AM GMT
    neaznguy said
    Rodmramer saidIs it against policy to solicit at work places?


    It is. But she didn't do this at work. She went to a colleagues home, which is FAIR GAME. This town is very small. Everyone knows each other. I just wanted to make sure that her husband, whom I work with daily was aware of this. AND turned out, he did know about it, since he is active in their church. So, he's NOT really a FRIEND in my book.


    I was gonna say, if she brought this to your work I'd take it to HR and show this, and all, religious wack jobs that they can't do things like this. And obviously this guy isn't your friend. If you could never get married he wouldn't bat an eyelash. I'd say cut your losses, be cordial, but make it painfully obvious you want not part of his "friendship" if he's going to support his church and wive's behavior.
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    Jan 08, 2010 12:25 AM GMT
    neaznguy said
    eagermuscle said

    I now think that he's living a double life: One when he's at work, and another when he's at home.


    Lots of people have work/home personalities.... You act according to those who are with you, we used to hold "employees only" events so as to not make our partners feel awkward. There are so many relationships and nuances within our home/work lives that we may act much differently in each. I think thats normal.

    I dont think you should persecute this guy for how he acts at home v. work. He needs to maintain security in both. Maybe his attitudes at work arent allowed at home?
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    Jan 08, 2010 12:34 AM GMT
    RST2009 said
    neaznguy said
    eagermuscle said

    I now think that he's living a double life: One when he's at work, and another when he's at home.


    Lots of people have work/home personalities.... You act according to those who are with you, we used to hold "employees only" events so as to not make our partners feel awkward. There are so many relationships and nuances within our home/work lives that we may act much differently in each. I think thats normal.

    I dont think you should persecute this guy for how he acts at home v. work. He needs to maintain security in both. Maybe his attitudes at work arent allowed at home?


    I do agree with you. His actions at work may not be well tolerated by his wife. I don't hate him by any means. I am just disappointed and frankly don't know if he's sincere or not whenever he interacts with me at work. Although I don't see him as a friend anymore after today, I will remain cordial and professional. I will not let this get in the way of our professional relationship.