Are Gay Men More Understanding and Forgiving Concerning Infidelity?

  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Jan 09, 2010 1:06 AM GMT
    Some people believe that nothing destroys the foundation of trust and security in a relationship quite like infidelity does. The gay community at large tends to accept more liberal forms of sexual expression and tends to be more understanding and forgiving where infidelity is concerned between boyfriends and partners. Studies show that this is not as true with heterosexual couples.

    Without social norms precluding what is sexually appropriate or not in the context of an intimate relationship, gay men are in a position to choose for themselves the role sex plays in their relationships. As such, most gay couples develop a relationship contract of sorts as they begin to merge their lives together about monogamy vs. non-monogamy.

    While many heterosexual relationships do not survive an affair because of the difficulties involved in working through the betrayal and broken trust, many gay relationships are able to overcome the challenges and are able to cultivate an even better partnership than they had before.

    Do You Believe Gay Men Really Are More Understanding and Forgiving Concerning Infidelity?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2010 1:10 AM GMT
    it's my experience that any truly loving relationship can overcome infidelity, gay or straight... unfortunately, I don't see as many "truly loving relationships" in the "gay society"

    That is not to say they don't exist, however, I seem to notice a lot of men who want that relationship but either don't understand the amount of effort involved or simply wont put the sort of effort involved to build that sort of relationship.

    That also, is not to say that the heterosexual society doesn't experience the same thing, but I think it might be better there in that regards because they might already have a better understanding or maybe because it's just expected of them, where as in the gay community it's not as so heavily expected of everyone.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2010 1:11 AM GMT
    I have been before, until it got to the point of ridiculousness to continue believing there actually was anything left between us. There does come a time when you have to move on.icon_cry.gif
  • mcwclewis

    Posts: 1701

    Jan 09, 2010 1:39 AM GMT
    I don't excuse it at all....




    but hey, that's just me
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Jan 09, 2010 1:54 AM GMT

    I cannot blame a guy for looking at another guy ... for noticing another person ... but acting on it and not telling me ... especially if we are active ... well ... I don't think that is considerate ... or healthy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2010 2:45 AM GMT
    Are you kidding me...cheat on me, and I'll cut your balls off!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2010 3:19 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidit's my experience that any truly loving relationship can overcome infidelity, gay or straight....


    if it was "truly loving" then there would be no infidelity.

    if my partner ever cheated on me i would be out the door, and i would take the dog too.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2010 3:24 AM GMT
    posted my comment before i read the post above.. not directed at you chaos ;-)

    i would tell my infidel ex "close the door on your way out"...
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    Jan 09, 2010 3:52 AM GMT
    chaos444 said
    lilTanker saidit's my experience that any truly loving relationship can overcome infidelity, gay or straight....


    if it was "truly loving" then there would be no infidelity.

    if my partner ever cheated on me i would be out the door, and i would take the dog too.

    Things are unfortunately not so black and white.
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Jan 09, 2010 4:07 AM GMT
    lilTanker said
    chaos444 said
    lilTanker said

    Things are unfortunately not so black and white.


    ... no, they tend to be
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    Jan 09, 2010 4:10 AM GMT
    jrs1 said
    lilTanker said
    chaos444 said
    lilTanker said

    Things are unfortunately not so black and white.


    ... no, they tend to be

    if you say so.
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Jan 09, 2010 4:12 AM GMT
    lilTanker said
    jrs1 said
    lilTanker said
    chaos444 said
    lilTanker said

    Things are unfortunately not so black and white.


    ... no, they tend to be

    if you say so.


    damn right I do, big bear.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jan 09, 2010 4:15 AM GMT
    I'm not at all understanding about it. One of my limitations, some would say.
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    Jan 09, 2010 4:15 AM GMT
    I don't think the sexual preference of an individual or group as a whole has anything to do with someone being more or less forgiving or concerning infidelity. It all comes down to the person in question and whatever it is they are going through or dealing with at that moment.

    Some people are easily forgiving which, in some ways, can be a problem and others are completely opposite and hold onto things forever which is also a problem.

    In my case if I were ever cheated on I wouldn't forgive them. There's not a good enough excuse in the world to justify something like that. If I was in a relationship I'd rather the my BF break up with me then do something like that to me.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2010 4:26 AM GMT
    lilTanker said
    chaos444 said
    lilTanker saidit's my experience that any truly loving relationship can overcome infidelity, gay or straight....


    if it was "truly loving" then there would be no infidelity.

    if my partner ever cheated on me i would be out the door, and i would take the dog too.

    Things are unfortunately not so black and white.


    then why should someone forgive someone who completely betrayed them and showed that they can not be trusted
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2010 4:38 AM GMT
    chaos444 said
    lilTanker said
    chaos444 said
    lilTanker saidit's my experience that any truly loving relationship can overcome infidelity, gay or straight....


    if it was "truly loving" then there would be no infidelity.

    if my partner ever cheated on me i would be out the door, and i would take the dog too.

    Things are unfortunately not so black and white.


    then why should someone forgive someone who completely betrayed them and showed that they can not be trusted

    Because, you are only human and sometimes, you do get lose and swept up in things without thinking them through until they are over.
    Sometimes people can become disillusioned by the things they have and don't fully appreciate what it is they have until they are on the brink of losing it.
    Sometimes, you can love someone enough that at the end of the day, you will forgive them for something, yes, something pivotal has been broken with someone, but, after time and a lot of effort from both people, you can restore that trust you once had, it wont be the same, it will be different, but it can be just as strong or stronger then it was.

    It takes a lot of hard work, it takes a lot of emotional turmoil and it takes a leap of faith and you will do that for someone you so deeply love.

    But I could sit here and attempt to explain this in all it's minute exquisite detail but unfortunately, this is usually just one of those things that sometimes, you can't understand it until you have experienced it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2010 5:13 AM GMT
    Alright, here is what I think....

    Some gay men forgive their partner cause they support them and leaving the partner will bring chaos into their own life.

    Some gay men forgive their partner cause they may feel old, ugly, or unable to get anyone else and leaving their partner will force them to be on the hunt again or they may feel like if they leave, they will be single for the rest of their life.

    Some gay men forgive their partner cause the partner has something that is important to the guy i.e., drugs, money, contacts, etc...

    Some gay men forgive simply cause they are in love with the partner and would do anything to be with that partner.

    Some gay men forgive cause they have been together for 20 years and it is understood that both will be considered partners for ever.

    If it were me though, if my partner cheats on me, I would say, get the F*** out bitch.icon_evil.gif
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    Jan 09, 2010 5:25 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidI think men are generally dogs.


    Yes, they are. And at the risk of being sexist, when blame can be assigned in the break up of a heterosexual relationship, I think more often the fault lies with the guy than with the woman. So it is even more difficult in a gay relationship when two guys are involved.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2010 5:27 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidI think men are generally dogs.

    Bullshit!

    that's a copout excuse!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2010 5:39 AM GMT
    Generally speaking I can get over it once or twice-- but that is a personal value. If I am TOLD of the slip up and that there is zero possiblity that he gave me something after and that he was safe because even though he let his little head rule the day while I was at work or something he put his safty and mine above some little tramp he met on Realjock.com or some like site. :-)

    IF I find out by other means god help him.
  • SanEsteban

    Posts: 454

    Jan 09, 2010 5:48 AM GMT
    I beg to differ with the theme of this topic. I, for one, when I am with someone, give my heart completely to my guy. I am completely monogamous and dedicated to that person. I also expect that the man I am with will be true to me also.

    I do feel that, within the gay community, that most people are not interested in trying to put in the work necessary for a relationship. I, however, try very hard and put in the extra time and effort in my relationships. I just wish I could find a guy who is interested in doing the same. Too many guys, rather than trying to work to keep a relationship going, simply say they "aren't ready" for a relationship and make up some excuse as to why they don't desire to put in the effort and then call the relationship off. It gets frustrating when you put in the effort but your "partner" obviously does/did not.

    In an nutshell, I think monogamy is very important and that a good relationship with someone is worth the work and effort. Just my 2 cents...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2010 6:09 AM GMT
    SanEsteban saidI beg to differ with the theme of this topic. I, for one, when I am with someone, give my heart completely to my guy. I am completely monogamous and dedicated to that person. I also expect that the man I am with will be true to me also.

    I do feel that, within the gay community, that most people are not interested in trying to put in the work necessary for a relationship. I, however, try very hard and put in the extra time and effort in my relationships. I just wish I could find a guy who is interested in doing the same. Too many guys, rather than trying to work to keep a relationship going, simply say they "aren't ready" for a relationship and make up some excuse as to why they don't desire to put in the effort and then call the relationship off. It gets frustrating when you put in the effort but your "partner" obviously does/did not.

    In an nutshell, I think monogamy is very important and that a good relationship with someone is worth the work and effort. Just my 2 cents...


    I can agree with everything said here--but I think no one is perfect and just about anything can be forgiven if you love someone and they love you just as much.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2010 6:25 AM GMT
    First, both of us would have to understand that this is a relationship that we are entering into. I expect them to love me as much as I do them. Often time what you may think in your own mind to be a true monogomist relationship, he may not think/feel the same way. I would NEVER cheat on anyone. But if they cheated on me, I would want to know why. Was it something I may have done that would have caused them to cheat...like too tired for sex, never wanted to go out, never wanted to try anything new or different. However, after pouring my heart and soul into this relationship and bending over backwards to please him and he cheated on me...Mr. Good Dick meet Mr. Louisville Slugger. I would tear his ass upicon_mad.gif
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    Jan 09, 2010 10:36 AM GMT
    As far as the topic goes, I think it is the opposite. Straight people are more likely to have children and when children are involved, the issue becomes much more complicated as both parties would (likely) try and salvage the relationship for their kids. Also, from what I've seen, straight people are more likely to be in longer relationships, and when you're with someone for long time, you would probably be a little less willing to dump your relationship for a supposedly "one time fling." Of course this is all my opinion and I tried not to make too many generalizations icon_wink.gif

    As for me, I think cheating is probably one of the most hurtful things you could do to a person. I just don't see myself ever getting past something like that. I put my heart and soul into a relationship and if you're willing to abuse that for a cheap orgasm...well, then there is nothing much left to say.. icon_neutral.gif
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Jan 09, 2010 11:11 AM GMT
    malefeet saidDo You Believe Gay Men Really Are More Understanding and Forgiving Concerning Infidelity?

    For me, infidelity is one partner having sex outside the relationship without the other partner's knowledge or approval.
    By that definition, of course, it's hard to be untrue in an open relationship, which many more gay men seem to be willing to try or to embrace than straight couples I know.
    When the relationship is not open, it seems to me that many more men - gay, straight or differently defined - than women are willing to "cheat" on their partners.
    Even though that is the case, I don't think we are (much) more tolerant that straight men or women of infidelity on our partner's side. I personally know straight men, like gay men (and many, many straight women), who have given their partner a second chance after an act of infidelity. None of the people I know has ever given a third chance, if it came to a repeat offender. Having said that, it is only the gay relationships I know who have been willing to redefine and "open" the relationship after the first act of infidelity. The straight couples considered the "crime" a single misstep that would never be repeated or the relationship was over.