Dealing with needy friends

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2010 11:15 PM GMT
    I have a best friend who I love dearly but one of the thing's that's always put me off about her is that she is really, really needy.

    Normally I'm good in comforting people, and I can give them a pretty clear perspective on their problems, but I feel like I'm being too heavily relied upon sometimes by her.

    The trouble with bringing it up is that she is really sensitive and I can't show disapproval without being asked if I stopped loving her... this all is complicated by how easily she can put me (and others) way off by her comments.

    She's horribly open about sex and stuff which puts me off huge, as I've said. Not that I'm a big prude (especially when the door's closed) but certain things I don't like talking about in public, usually other people. I'm paranoid that way.

    But one way I've told her she needs to stop telling strangers and people she just met through me about her trapezoid-shaped pubic shaving and the kind of dicks she likes is telling her to learn the difference between specifics and generalities.

    Specifics is when you talk from personal experience. In our culture we find it off-putting to learn things about someone so personal and so readily. So we speak in generality.

    "Some people like it in the ass." and not "I found it weird the first dozen times with my two boyfriends." ..... You get what I mean.


    So how do folks here on RJ deal with needy friends? Or even open friends? If you need more context just ask, this was really spur of the moment typing.
  • RSportsguy

    Posts: 1925

    Jan 11, 2010 1:31 AM GMT
    I had a friend like that! She constantly moaned about not having any money and her financial problems were caused by everyone else on the planet except for her yadda yadda yadda! The last straw for me was when she called me up one day crying about her financial woes then she booked herself on a cruise the next day. I decided that it was a lot less stressful for me if she was not a part of my life anymore. It might sound harsh, but if I would tell the whole story here I would take up too much space!!
  • WILDCARD73

    Posts: 545

    Jan 11, 2010 1:33 AM GMT
    she is a fag hag
    they are all like that
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    Jan 11, 2010 1:50 AM GMT
    WILDCARD73 saidshe is a fag hag
    they are all like that



    .....and that is why I DO NOT have a Fag Hag, period!
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    Jan 11, 2010 2:36 AM GMT
    a1972guy said
    WILDCARD73 saidshe is a fag hag
    they are all like that



    .....and that is why I DO NOT have a Fag Hag, period!


    yes you do!! yes you do! You have her hiding in you closet!!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 11, 2010 2:38 AM GMT
    O M G

    you've met my mother.
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    Jan 11, 2010 3:09 AM GMT
    We were going to see Avatar tonight, but I went to her door and saw she was in her room (every light but the bedroom off) and she had a boy over. I didn't feel like interrupting that.

    ***

    She wants to be my fag hag. I hate that term but she likes it for some reason.

    Sometimes I think, and I have another friend who tells me the same, that sometimes we get into friendships that we cannot extricate ourselves from and just try to minimize it in our lives.


    I love her, but she can be very inconvenient and a drag on my energy. I love her, but whenever I ask her how she's doing she says "bad dot dot dot" and I have to say or do something to make her feel better which makes me even more her "anchor".


    I've resigned myself to think that many people find themselves in college, and she is to be decidedly no different.

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    Jan 11, 2010 3:18 AM GMT
    Does this stuff happen with her just once a month? just curious icon_lol.gif
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jan 11, 2010 3:20 AM GMT
    Well OP, that sounds about like me when I was your age. I really didn't care as long as they were a good person.

    Nowadays if someone just says "bad..." I would just say "well what are you doing about that?". Try to get her to be proactive about her situation and complaints.....that should scare her off pretty quick. It's ok to be needy once in awhile, but if she's doing it just to suck the lifeforce out of everyone around her, well, there won't be too many victims for her to bleed dry.

    Don't feed the need!
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    Jan 11, 2010 3:23 AM GMT
    Exactly. You have to get it across to her that it's inappropriate to talk about certain things. Next time she starts talking about something sexually explicit, just say "too much information" and try to shift the conversation to some other topic.
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    Jan 11, 2010 3:45 AM GMT
    Sounds to me like she's using you for her own wants and not giving a shit about yours. This woman sounds like she's not worth the effort you're putting it. I'd slowly back away.

    One thing I've learned is that situations and people where you are expending more energy than you get in return are not worth your time and energy.

    My $0.02.
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    Jan 11, 2010 3:49 AM GMT
    She doesn't accept that though. She's pretty fiercely intelligent and a feminist to boot... not some blond bulb-head.

    I do try and get her to be proactive so to kinda leave me out of her problems but it's useless.

    She really does have a good heart (which makes it the hardest thing to do) but she can be childishly selfish and overtly sexual.



    I once told her I thought she had a histrionic personality disorder...
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Histrionic_personality_disorder


    Now tell me that wouldn't make you feel guilty for telling your good friend?
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    Jan 11, 2010 4:08 AM GMT
    wow. I didn't know there was an actual clinical term for "drama queen" icon_eek.gif
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    Jan 11, 2010 4:30 AM GMT
    kevinsbeach saidYou should step away every now and then for awhile as that kind of energy can be taxing. Get busy with other things, but come around once in awhile so she doesn't think you're totally done with her. This is obviously just her personality and I think even bringing it up will simply back fire, it's not a behavior pattern that can change over night, but you do have to think of your own well being...first, before hers.



    That's what I've been able to conclude, but very good advice nonetheless.
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    Jan 11, 2010 6:45 AM GMT
    Fag hags are like that - I used to have one - it was cool and fine in the beginning but then she started to open up about her life - how she love to fuck with married men and etc....it's such a turn off. She keeps txt me and stuff asking about things - after a while, I became emotionally exhausted hearing about her sexual conquests, alcohol and drug problems - after that I just keep my focus and energy on work and I don't really hang out with her anymore. If someone is too needy and sucking out your positive energy, I'd say dump them, move on and make new friends.
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    Jan 11, 2010 6:51 AM GMT
    So is that what you all think she might be? Simply a fag hag? Hmm.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 11, 2010 7:49 AM GMT
    Even if she's a fag hag she's your friend and deserves your honesty. The only way she's gonna correct the problem is if it's confronted.
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    Jan 11, 2010 8:14 AM GMT
    She sounds toxic. Please dispose of all toxic materials in the designated biohazard area. Thank you for your co-operation.

    On a serious note, my ex had a fag hag like that. Sounds like your a nice guy; but not her counselor. Try to garner healthier friends.
  • inmidair

    Posts: 70

    Jan 11, 2010 8:34 AM GMT
    One thing that was really eye-opening for me was reading about "crazymakers" in Julia Cameron's book, The Artist's Way. The book may or may not be right for you, but you might find it worthwhile to go into Barnes and Noble or another bookstore, plop down with the book in one of their comfy chairs, and read the few pages about crazymakers. You can also read other people's experiences on Google. I'd suggest taking a look to see if your friend's behavior and its effects on you match the situation the book describes.
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    Jan 11, 2010 4:50 PM GMT
    http://www.vccaedu.org/inquiry/vcca-journal/johns.html
    This here is a webpage with all kinds of different "toxicants" including the crazymaker.

    My friend, I do not think, is any of those... she lacks that sinister aspect and does the things she does almost involuntarily... like NEEDING to see a guy she sleeps with a lot or else she won't be able to sleep... and uses my phone to call him (she has no phone of her own, but it still irks me for some reason). One thing I'm going to do though is stop asking her how she feels when she does call me. That's a pattern I'm going to break.


    Today she will probably call me to ask why I didn't stop by her place last night. When I tell her that I knew she had a guy over in her room with no other lights on in the house, I wasn't comfortable interrupting to remind her of our movie date. She'll harrumph that it would have been fine (she's tried to have a threesome with me) and that she would have kicked out this guy to see me. I'm predicting this now, sure, but just wait.

    Another thing is if I did just walk in, and she did kick this guy out, who I've called a cunt and many many nasty things for hurting her before (she has pretty awful taste in men) then I would only make it worse the next time I see him... which I most assuredly will.

    She's a slave to her hormones, she says it all the time and we've gotten into a big discussion that you don't have to be a slave to the whim of getting laid and you don't have to put with bad lays, mean men, immature boys to get it. It bothers me when people say they have no free will when it's clear there is a whittling to a yes or no answer.