*Fully stocked like the biggest, best, most up-to-date gym in the land. No A/C, but with 10-metre high ceilings and industrial fans.
*A Door Whore to keep the January crowds on the footpath for hours on end and to hand-select my Training Buddy of the Day.
*A Bordello-themed décor; a place where buckskin chaps are the only sensible activewear. Red everything, it's so invigorating!
*Completely devoid of people except those that I've hired or for friends and acquaintances granted full-price day passes.
*No greatest hits compilations allowed, certainly none featuring the words "Golden", "Decade", "Era", "Smash" or "Hits".
*A Personal Trainer-slash-Weight Caddy-slash-Barman-slash-Baggage Handler-slash-Windexer.
*No rules. Or rather, they'd be subject to change on a whim – to mix things up and keep it fresh.
*And an Orgasmatron™ for those pitiful, testosterone-deficient over-27s that haven't a prescription for Chucky's anti-aging elixir!