First time bottoming - couldn't gain an erection

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2010 8:22 PM GMT
    I'm 23 years old and had my first experience bottoming last week. My partner stayed hard and eventually came, but I was never able to gain or maintain an erection at all. It was one of the most humiliating experiences I've ever had, actually.

    He kept asking me if something was wrong, if I was in pain, etc. Granted, it was a little uncomfortable at first, but I was prepared for that. Other than the initial discomfort, I really enjoyed the whole experience, but I never got there or even felt the urge. I don't typically have any difficulty getting an erection, but this was my first time with a new partner.

    I'd like to give it another shot with him, but if I have another of these "performance issues," I would be mortified.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Jan 12, 2010 8:33 PM GMT
    Just be glad you weren't the top and that happened icon_eek.gif
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jan 12, 2010 8:36 PM GMT
    You're not the least bit unique when it comes to this situation. Don't sweat it.
  • Fusion98102

    Posts: 164

    Jan 12, 2010 8:43 PM GMT
    I am no therapist... so don't take my word as anything other than an opinion based on what you said.

    I would say it could have been nerves, since it was your first time with this partner AND being a bottom. But even here on RJ, you have named your profile "soft tommy" so it sounds like maybe you have some confidence issues? Even if you don't think you do, maybe it is subliminal? Perhaps next time you should just relax and enjoy yourself? Not put so much thought into "am I getting hard?" or "will I get hard?" Just let the action go where it goes and have a good time. Not knowing much else about you, I would just say it was nerves - but you know yourself better, so if there is an underlying issue of performance anxiety or a negative self view, only you would know. Regardless, I hope that the next time is a better experience for you. Good luck.
  • owen19832006

    Posts: 1035

    Jan 12, 2010 9:12 PM GMT
    your first time bottoming is a peculiar experience, especially if you;re normally a top, you need to feel safe, comfortable and very relaxed for it to be good, and for you to get hard you need to be aroused, feel sexy etc..
    dont blame yourself for not being hard, prob your nerves got the best of you, next time, you'll be more relaxed and feel a lot better, and you will get an erection no bother!
    keep your chin up!
  • auryn

    Posts: 2061

    Jan 12, 2010 9:19 PM GMT
    For some, the energy that keeps an erection is redirected. Sex is not always like the pornos. Just have fun. If you can't stay hard while he's in you, it's not the end of the world and he'll have to get over it if he wants to stay with you.

    Don't beat yourself up for not being able to beat yourself off.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2010 9:33 PM GMT
    It happens, my partner seldom gets hard wile bottoming it is normal and rarely has anything to do with being turned on.
    I’m sorry that your partner didn’t know this can happen and been more supportive/understanding.
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    Jan 12, 2010 9:40 PM GMT
    Um, did anyone touch your penis?

    There seems to be this odd expectation that all bottoms can have this hands-free erection and orgasm. Reality is, not many can unless your sample consists solely of porn stars.

    There is also the possibility that you were nervous that you were bottoming for the first time. Relax, bottom some more, touch yourself, have your BF touch you. Figure out what cracks your nut and do it a lot.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2010 9:41 PM GMT
    Not all bottoms get hard, and not all hard bottoms can get off while being fucked, whether he's manually stroking you or you're doing it yourself. You may be in that perfectly normal category.

    I see no reason for embarrassment, since your job as a good bottom does not necessarily mandate that you get a hardon. Any experienced top knows that lots of bottoms don't get hard during anal.

    Furthermore, as noted by others above, this was your first bottoming experience. Tension, fear, initial discomfort and mental distractions can wilt you, and you'll return to good form once bottoming becomes routine for you. I'd judge this a non-problem, unless you make it one.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2010 9:49 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ saidJust be glad you weren't the top and that happened icon_eek.gif


    mmhmmm...
  • jon92027

    Posts: 25

    Jan 12, 2010 9:55 PM GMT
    I would not worry about it. I have to agree with a number of omments already posted- 1- real sex is not like porn, 2- just because you are not hard does not mean that you dont enjoy it- 3 next time, either ply with yourself or have the top jack you off while you get fucked, it will heighten your pleasure. 4- just relax and enjoy it, sounds like your nerves got a bit of you as well
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    Jan 12, 2010 10:05 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie saidUm, did anyone touch your penis?

    There seems to be this odd expectation that all bottoms can have this hands-free erection and orgasm. Reality is, not many can unless your sample consists solely of porn stars.

    There is also the possibility that you were nervous that you were bottoming for the first time. Relax, bottom some more, touch yourself, have your BF touch you. Figure out what cracks your nut and do it a lot.

    It's not that big of a deal, really. If you enjoy it do it, whether your erect or not. When it stops feeling good, stop doing it.
    I always have a hands free erection when I'm bottoming and with more than a few partners have consistent hands free orgasm.
    Everyone is different and has a different experience with different guys, don't think too much about it and just enjoy yourself.
    I agree with MZ figure out what cracks your nut and do it A LOT.
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Jan 13, 2010 12:44 AM GMT
    maybe you aren't that into him
    if I'm into a guy I get hard no matter what I'm doing or having done to me.
    cheers bro
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2010 1:00 AM GMT
    It's not that big a deal. It was your first time bottoming. You were probably a bit anxious and tense and what not. Give it a few tries to get find your groove and you should be fine icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2010 1:06 AM GMT
    MunchingZombie saidUm, did anyone touch your penis?

    There seems to be this odd expectation that all bottoms can have this hands-free erection and orgasm. Reality is, not many can unless your sample consists solely of porn stars.

    There is also the possibility that you were nervous that you were bottoming for the first time. Relax, bottom some more, touch yourself, have your BF touch you. Figure out what cracks your nut and do it a lot.


    Well... when you have well experienced video editors every ejaculation can seem handsfree. Some actors even take the little blue pill...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2010 1:16 AM GMT
    You may be a top instead of a bottom. icon_smile.gif
  • rnch

    Posts: 11525

    Jan 13, 2010 12:40 PM GMT
    in spite of what the perfect bodied porn stars suggest; not all bottoms get hard and involuntarily jizz into their navels while being topped.

    some bottoms just don't get an erection while having sex.

    your top partner, asking you if anything was wrong, showed his ignorance and inexperience.

    i suggest you find a better, more experienced top.

    also, diferent positions give different reactions/stimulations/feelings.

    i find the reverse or facing cowboy position awesome for acheiving an erection/release for me. doggie style or missionary position does nothing for me when i bottom.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2010 12:42 PM GMT
    Try more foreplay bud...get yourself into sex in general before just doing that. Play around get hard then go for it. If you lose it, stop, play around some more. Youll find youre rhythm
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2010 1:03 PM GMT
    If you like having him inside you, focus on that and the excitement and intimacy of having him in you, of being possessed and desired and that should keep you aroused (and with a little manual persuasion.) A good top should want to please you and your pleasure can amplify his. He should be paying close attention to your response and doing things to enhance it for you (carressing, nipple-play, kissing, stroking) You want to feel that you are being loved and possessed. Talk dirty and have him do the same. If you find yourself just going through the motions then maybe bottoming isn't for you or he may need some work on his style as well.

    Excuse me now, I have to go and take a shower...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2010 1:06 PM GMT
    Don't be mortified... this stuff happens. But talk to your partner too; it's so important. Let him know that you enjoyed yourself and not to take it personally. If he can't/wont accept that, the problem is his, not yours.
  • Glorfindel

    Posts: 277

    Jan 13, 2010 1:09 PM GMT
    The only experience I can relate, whether it'll help you or not, is when I was having sex with my first (and only) ex-bf. I was topping him and he never got hard but I could tell he was feeling a lot of pleasure from his expressions.

    We had to stop because he said the sensations he was feeling were getting overwhelming and that they were so great he couldn't even get hard. Apparently I was hitting all the right spots. icon_smile.gif So a bottom doesn't have to be hard to enjoy it. Don't be mortified about the experience. If you were enjoying it, then that's what counts.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2010 12:08 AM GMT
    Thanks everyone for your responses. I think that many of you are right about it being due to my anxiety about my first time. It was also my partner's first time with a man, so our mutual inexperience was palpable. icon_wink.gif In retrospect, I also left out the part where we were both looking all around us the whole time because we were in my car - not necessarily the ideal venue for trying this sort of thing out.

    I'll definitely try some of the suggestions, maybe take a break here and there for some play, etc.

    In any case, I've talked with my partner about it since and I think that we'll be fine next time around. Thanks again, everyone!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2010 12:25 AM GMT
    Don't worry about it too much, it has happened with a lot if guys, including me when being a bottom. Sometimes you just get in a mood to get fucked and not getting off.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2010 12:38 AM GMT
    Hi,

    I think a lot of guys have mentioned some good points. I would ignore the ones that suggest therapy though, because that doesn't sound like it is an issue. If you really feel it is a problem though, I would seek counsel from someone trained in sex therapy.

    You said that you enjoyed the experience. Did your partner enjoy the experience? Who was more concerned about the lack of an erection, you or your partner?

    I recommend not viewing sex as obtaining a goal (ie. orgasm) and more about having a good time (ie. focus on the pleasure and the sensation). You said it felt good and you were into it, and that your partner was able to orgasm, so he was obviously into it.

    Just another perspective to consider icon_smile.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2010 4:14 AM GMT
    Being your first time is most understandable about being sexually satisfied or cuming. No one has talked about position. The term "top" is a misnomer. Anytime a top is on top of me and my legs are pointed at the ceiling, I would just as soon eat bon-bons. Standing in front of a toilet to shoot your load and be hit from the back is the best and most pleasurable position bar none. I am one that can climax without ever touching my ding-dong. It is all in the position of love stick touching and messaging the prostate. Guys have different shaped penises and that plays a big part.

    You may well be a top and will never enjoy being a bottom. This is something you will have to find out. If you find out that being a bottom is not only pleasurable but also wanting more, you will probably end up being the town whore.