Did I fell real hard for a closet case, or….?

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    Jan 15, 2010 10:29 AM GMT
    First of all, I'm new here and I hope you guys can forgive me for being a n00b and help me to socialize with others.

    I’m a college student, and there’s this classmate of mine who's been very friendly toward me. He’s quite good-looking, rugged, a jock by himself (a soccer buff), and an all-around nice person – qualities that I’ve been looking for in a guy. Of course I had plenty of crushes in the past, but I never fell this hard. Why? Here’s a rundown per point on how he behaved toward me (almost all the time):

    1. Hugs. He hugged me very frequently, at time reaching 3x per day. They're not air hugs, mind you, but close, almost deep, hugs that made our chests touch each other. I don’t think straight guys would do this, especially in such frequency. Of course in retaliation he always said that it's just a mark of “close friendship” when asked by others. I know the intensity is just plain ridiculous. Sometimes he would piggyback on me when he felt like it. And I happen to be the only one who received those treatments. He seemed to be more cautious around other boys.

    2. Touch. Sometimes he would touch my body, especially my arms, chest and occasionally my abs, especially when we’re sitting closely. He would often put his arm on my shoulders when we were walking.

    3. Compliments. He complimented my body sometimes, even though in reality I’m quite scrawny (I just started out home bodybuilding by body weights fairly recently), and at one point used the word ‘sexy’ to describe this.

    His ‘Interested in’ part of his Facebook profile is blank.

    …..and being rather overly-friendly of course. Those things, which have been done over the course of three semesters, made me took a firm conclusion that he’s gay and he had a crush on me. I did fell in love, but hopefully not a stupid, delusional case as I tried to double-check virtually everything about him. It’s worth noting that I’m still closeted and I had to find a way so he would gave away his secret first, then mine.

    Eventually, I asked him whether he’s gay or not when he came over to stay for a night in my house. I told him that nothing would change our friendship even if he is. With a laugh, he denied that question and said to me that he’s perfectly straight. What’s even worse, he told me that he’s quite disgusted at homosexuals in general and thought that people behave that way because of bad parenting and inadequate socialization with fellow members of the same sex in the early years (of course, we all know that this is hokum – I have a beautiful relationship with both of my parents until now). It should be noted that he came from a conservative, very religious background.

    My brain shorted out when I knew that he watched a heap of internet het porns on my laptop. I had a nervous breakdown the day he left. I mean, come on, it’s like being shown gajillions of neon signs pointing 'THIS WAY!', only to get a big shining ‘GOTCHA!’ billboard at the end of the road. It’s quite probable that he left the internet history that way as a camouflage – anyways, I was just too stuffed to think about that. So…..is he a deeply closet case, in denial, simply not ready, or just a straight guy?

    Phew. That was a long post. I'm really sorry for the length guys. Thanks a lot, in advance, for the reply.
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    Jan 15, 2010 2:48 PM GMT
    I'd say he's gay, but you have to let him come to terms with it himself. Just continue the friendship, but only if you can get past the fact that something may never happen between the two of you.
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    Jan 15, 2010 2:57 PM GMT
    Tough situation. But here's a thought: Why are you trying to get him to give away his secret before giving away yours? Think about doing it the other way around. It's not the easy road, but it's the higher one. If you don't want to (which is perfectly fine), then I suggest you keep your relationship with him platonic.

    Good luck man.

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    Jan 15, 2010 3:12 PM GMT
    was the porn gay? Would you really want to be invloved with somebody who has issues beng gay?
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    Jan 15, 2010 3:16 PM GMT
    djdorchester saidTough situation. But here's a thought: Why are you trying to get him to give away his secret before giving away yours? Think about doing it the other way around. It's not the easy road, but it's the higher one. If you don't want to (which is perfectly fine), then I suggest you keep your relationship with him platonic.

    Good luck man.




    DIDO

    Can’t figure out his sexuality until you embrace yours.
    The fantasy may be doing it together, but wouldn’t it be easier to it with someone who has and won’t play head games?

    Good luck to you …you’re not alone; we have all been there.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jan 15, 2010 3:33 PM GMT
    not only is he gay, he sounds like a hater-gay.

    he needs time to figure himself out and come to terms with being gay.

    if you want to keep his friendship, don't make any sexual moves on him.

    let HIM make the first move, if it ever happens before your patience wear thin.
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    Jan 15, 2010 3:40 PM GMT
    I would say be careful with this guy. Someone like that is most probably gay, but not comfortable at all with it, which means it would be an unstable relationship. It seems like its too early. I met my ex when he was "straight", but after a year and a half of dating, his parents found out and he denied it completely. I feel like that accepting who you are is a very important step that must be taken before entering any relationship, because how can you expect them to commit to you if they cant even commit to who they are? Thats just my two cents on the situation, from personal experience, haha. Now if you just want to fool around with the guy and not get emotionally attached, thats a different story!
  • ShanksE

    Posts: 263

    Jan 15, 2010 3:51 PM GMT
    [quote]
    Good luck to you …you’re not alone; we have all been there.
    [/quote]

    True.., Its really tough falling in love with a close college friend.But it kinda becomes risky after a point of time and then you end up hurting yourself more ...
    I fell for a classmate and was crazily in love with him.. he would call me up and talk to me for hours on end.. he said he wanted to take me out to dinner sometime.. we'd study for our exams together.. then he invited me over to his home once for a sleepover.. we got chattng and he said how he found gays disgusting.. he was pretty straight but i guess i misread the signs..A couple of weeks later i told him that i was madly in love with him..
    gave him a poem that i had written for him ( i know tat sounds really juvenile! but hey i was in college and he was the first guy i had fallen in love with)
    he acted like it was all ok.. but things did become uncomfortable after a while..

    All i'll tell you is to watch your step.. it feels all hunky dory in the beginning.. but like someone said earlier, beccome comfortable with your own sexuality before you commit yourself to something like this..
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    Jan 15, 2010 4:41 PM GMT
    Tell him your gay. See where it goes from there.
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    Jan 15, 2010 10:55 PM GMT
    hector2009 saidTell him your gay. See where it goes from there.


    Been there, done that. It worked (at least for a short while).
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    Jan 15, 2010 11:09 PM GMT
    I don't know if he's gay, my mates are confusing, you should see the hugs I get.. these are loving gentle hugs, more then ones it's involved midsections and more touching..

    They'll also give me a kiss on the cheek.. admittedly not all of them, but most of'em do..

    They put there arms around me too and now that I'm putting on muscle, they'll put there hands on my chest or smack my arse..

    My mates are very affectionate with me and really affectionate with only me, there other mates don't get treated like I do, I'm one of the guys but they can be more them self with me then other guys... probably because I don't stick the gay label on anything involving one man touching another..

    Your mate could be gay or he could be straight.. the only way for you to be happy is to be your self and all that entails, including being open about who you are and if he doesn't like that then so be it.
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    Jan 15, 2010 11:34 PM GMT
    ShanksE said[quote]
    Good luck to you …you’re not alone; we have all been there.


    True.., Its really tough falling in love with a close college friend.But it kinda becomes risky after a point of time and then you end up hurting yourself more ...
    I fell for a classmate and was crazily in love with him.. he would call me up and talk to me for hours on end.. he said he wanted to take me out to dinner sometime.. we'd study for our exams together.. then he invited me over to his home once for a sleepover.. we got chattng and he said how he found gays disgusting.. he was pretty straight but i guess i misread the signs..A couple of weeks later i told him that i was madly in love with him..
    gave him a poem that i had written for him ( i know tat sounds really juvenile! but hey i was in college and he was the first guy i had fallen in love with)
    he acted like it was all ok.. but things did become uncomfortable after a while..

    All i'll tell you is to watch your step.. it feels all hunky dory in the beginning.. but like someone said earlier, beccome comfortable with your own sexuality before you commit yourself to something like this..[/quote]

    I agree, be a little bit careful, he may be straight, and just into you as a person.
    It's so funny, I have an almost identical story to ShanksE(from my high school days) including writing the guy a poem icon_redface.gificon_lol.gif
    so embarrassing. but I ended up telling him how I felt. he wasn't a homophobe(luckily), but definitely straight, he just thought I was interesting and funny as a "buddy". we quickly drifted apart though, mainly cos I felt awkward and embarrassed. I think he was flattered though, enjoying the attention.
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    Jan 16, 2010 3:31 AM GMT
    Wait so you just asked him, "Are you gay?"

    I don't get why people do this. If he isn't open about his sexuality or if you are wondering if someone you like is gay, do not ask. It's an offensive question and if the person is closeted or scared, there defense is to say no.

    It's obvious he is gay. Does he know you are? If not, you need to make hints that you are. If he is cool with it, then your "friendship" should get stronger and he should feel more "loose" around you.

    Figuring these kind of things out, without ruining a friendship or making things "awkward" takes time. Hopefully he is and you guys make something out of it. OH!

    The reality is:
    Almost every man can be turned gay, just takes the right gay to turn them.

    It's 2010, the more exposure and acceptance gaylifestyle is, the more gays that will come out of the closet.
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    Jan 16, 2010 3:40 AM GMT
    Relationships
  • ShanksE

    Posts: 263

    Jan 16, 2010 4:24 AM GMT
    [/quote]
    I agree, be a little bit careful, he may be straight, and just into you as a person.
    It's so funny, I have an almost identical story to ShanksE(from my high school days) including writing the guy a poem icon_redface.gificon_lol.gif
    so embarrassing. but I ended up telling him how I felt. he wasn't a homophobe(luckily), but definitely straight, he just thought I was interesting and funny as a "buddy". we quickly drifted apart though, mainly cos I felt awkward and embarrassed. I think he was flattered though, enjoying the attention. [/quote]

    I definitely think he enoyed the attention he was receiving.. but like judoguy sad, we drifted apart because it became awkward for me..

    @judoguy: In our college we have an event called"Rose Day" where guys are supposed to get roses for the girls.. well i got him a red rose and thought it was very romantic... seems so silly now that i think of it!!
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    Jan 16, 2010 5:44 AM GMT
    @soulman, rnch: He - he's probably gay indeed, and possibly took a much longer time to come into terms with himself due to his own backgrounds. Yeah, I have decided to drop all means of pursuit and move on. Although to be honest that's about the hardest thing I've ever tried. It's really unfortunate that many closet cases are very hateful toward people like themselves, huh?

    @djdorchester, hector2009, lamme: In fact, I did consider that option, but my friend (we worked out this case together and I outed myself to her) warned against it. Or perhaps I was just too cowardly to face the possible hysteria. It's quite hard to face the consequences of being out in my country - what with those fundamentalist students that controlled my college faculty.

    I confess that I'm closeted to the public and to my own family (they aren't ready yet), but I have outed myself to two of my closest friends. It's quite hard finding guys/girls who are trustworthy and tolerant enough toward us, especially in an environment like this.

    @shortmuscleguy: Nah, the porns are all hetero porns. Naked girls. Whether that's a camouflage or an attempt to cure himself or indeed a simple way to pleasure his brains, I don't know.

    @lacostejock: Yeah probably I will just fool around him this time, and seeing how things progress... icon_smile.gif
    But....did your ex eventually managed to realize that he's gay? I'm really curious to what things that could trigger self-acceptance in a closeted person. In my case, it's when I discovered that most ex-gays failed to live as straight people and eventually threw away their own theories. And when I knew that homosexuality is indeed deeply wired into our genetics, hormones and brains.

    @ShanksE, dustin_k_tx & judoguy: Whoah, it comforts me a lot to know that I'm not alone in cases like this, after all icon_smile.gif
    I shall wait till he's ready, if he is indeed gay. To be truthful, I almost pushed myself to write a kind of....poetry.....about him icon_redface.gif

    @Caslon12000: icon_lol.gif

    @PusiKuracBre: I did drop not-so-subtle hints that I'm attracted to him. Perhaps the hints should be closer to anvils in weight and size, hahah
    These days, I no longer deny people for calling me gay or what, and definitely I never attempted to camouflage myself with girlfriends or blatant porns. It seems that people rarely guessed it right.

    Guys, you have no idea how thankful I am with all of these. Millions of thanks, you guys are fantastic icon_wink.gif
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    Jan 16, 2010 5:49 AM GMT
    An additional info though:

    When he's about to leave, I gave him a deep hug, and my mouth virtually kissed his shoulder. He still doesn't mind. WTF.

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    Jan 16, 2010 6:09 AM GMT
    . . . have you read A Separate Peace by John Knowles? . . .

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    Jan 16, 2010 6:26 AM GMT
    I don't think he's gay :S All my close straight friends hug me like that and we are very playful with each other, even though they know of my sexuality. I've been in your situation plenty of times, and I think when you fall hard for someone, you start seeing things the way you'd want it to be rather than for what it really is.

    Of course, I don't know for sure if he's gay or not, but if I were you, I would just move on. There are good guys (hard to find, but they do exist) out there who are proud of themselves and thus is a much better candidate than someone who would rather be hateful than to face the truth.

    Also, I don't think homophobe would make such a good friend for you. You are going to have to come out of closet sooner or later after all..

    Steven =)
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    Jan 16, 2010 8:09 AM GMT
    I'm going through the same shit. Only he and I have been off and on for 5 years.
    It's incredibly painful and you always wonder why you're such a glutton for being treated badly. My guy has a girlfriend whom I know nothing about. Seems like a huge bitch. She satisfies his uber Christian image and I'm his nasty, sinful, evil other half. [ I'm none of those. It's just how I am in his Church's eyes]
    It's just like that ABBA song "Mamma Mia".

    I hope it gets better for you. I know it's pretty much damn near hopeless for he and I, but I will continue to go at it, until it leads to the inevitable.
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    Jan 16, 2010 8:51 AM GMT
    Scally saidmore like cyber , dont expect good advice, there are plenty bitter people on here, unfit and never even seen a gym

    Good heavens PowerPuffBoy, do you ever actually post anything of use here or do you just go around being a little bitch acting like you are some how tough and manly?