FITNESS APART FROM ONES BF OR PARTNER: Big Deal?

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 18, 2010 1:39 AM GMT
    My bf and I have much in common.. we see many things alike and have
    many common interests... our personalities are very different, but our
    common goals, ideas interests are what bind us.

    What doesn't bind us is our interest in fitness. I've always been very much into it... he has been into sports, including baseball, but not into the gym scene. When I first met him he was 6'3" and about 195... now he's about 225, still not bad, but clearly not satisfied and making noises about wanting to improve.

    However the gym scene is like a foreign environment for him. He's knows my dedication to my time at the YMCA and finally has taken steps on his own (with my subtle encouragement). He lives in a town about 100 miles from me, so his YMCA isn't quite the same as our facilities. When I made the comment, "hey thats great, we can work out together"... it didn't go over. I think he isn't comfortable with our different levels of fitness.
    I wasn't the least bit upset when he said... "We have common interest, but will do it apart". I just am encouraging him, it really doesn't matter if we do this together or not. A friend of mine made some disparaging comments about it when it came up in conversation. I find no issues, we are bound do do some things differently. I just plan to always be supportive.

    Thoughts?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2010 1:51 AM GMT
    I think you're handling it fine.

    It could be as simple as him not wanting you to see or perceive him as less than his absolute best - he still wants to impress you. That's sweet!

    Relatedly, maybe he knows he's not a heck of a lot of fun to be around when he works out and wants to spare you that side of him. Your training styles might be incompatible.

    How often is he in your neck of the woods? Could be he'd rather train at a facility closer to home. Your training times may be incompatible.

    Admittedly, he may have some control issues. Part of his identity may be wrapped up in being superior to you in athletics and possibly other areas. Couple that with natural competitiveness and he may be uncomfortable ceding initial control to you. Not a dealbreaker, but something to be wary of.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2010 1:56 AM GMT
    For me, fitness is a lifestyle. Whether it be lifting at the gym or running or biking. I'd like my potential BF to join me in those activities. However, I can see how other couples would rather do certain things separately. For some guys, time in the gym is "me time". Basically, a moment to clear the head and unwind. At my gym, I see a lot of guys working out by themselves while their BF or partner stays home, or they come in at a different time.

    Not a big deal. Every couple's situation is different. Talk it out and things will be fine.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2010 1:56 AM GMT
    My partner and I are in the same boat. I go the gym about 5 days/wk. He goes 2x/wk, and that's only because I pay for his personal training (I'd pay for more, if he'd go!) We don't work out together, because we have completely different fitness goals. But, I encourage him where I can, and commiserate w/ him as needed. I don't see there being anything wrong w/ you two having different ways of doing things.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2010 3:30 AM GMT
    My bf and I are very much into fitness, healthy nutrition etc. However he's the Marathoner & Triathlete while I'm more into weights and gym-bound cardio. I tried to do the Tri-thing with him for a couple of months last year, but hurt both Achilles-tendons while running and ended my Tri-ambitions.icon_cry.gif All that swimming wasn't so great for my sinuses as well. icon_sad.gif

    He doesn't like to work with weights, especially with me around. Sometimes he does exercises his Tri-coach gives him. Then I'm allowed to show him the movement, but that's about it. I have to leave him immediately.icon_biggrin.gif

    But we are very good for each other, motivating the other to eat healthily (we tend to pig out when the other is not around...), dragging the other to the Y for a work-out on weekends or going to Orlando Frontrunners (& Walkers ahemicon_smile.gif )


  • 8Always_Hard8

    Posts: 496

    Jan 18, 2010 3:33 AM GMT
    i think you handled it perfectly fine

    all people workout differently but atleast both of your goals bond you together icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2010 3:39 AM GMT
    It's ok. For me personally, I cannot workout with anyone, I don't do that workout partner thing very well!. So just let him build up his own self confidence on his own and he'll come around.
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    Jan 18, 2010 4:49 AM GMT
    my bf and i only recently joined the same gym. until now we had always just worked out on our own time. now, even if we go to the gym together, we usually end up working out solo. i don't think it's a reflection of the relationship - it's just sometimes better to be focused in your own zone.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2010 5:26 AM GMT
    Nup if I'm ever back in a relationship I'm working out alone I tried a gym buddy but it just doesn't work for me.
    They can come with me but bugger off until I'm done and if you irritate me you can stay home heh

    he's going to the gym and doing it his way be hapPy and encourage it
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2010 5:39 AM GMT
    Regarding your friend who made disparaging comments, it's really none of his business at all. I mean, people simply need to get lives of their own rather than pissing on the lives of those around them. I wouldn't even question it. Being supportive doesn't necessarily mean being in eachother's physical presence constantly with everything. But you know that, and you understand where he's coming from. He means no disrespect. Why worry.
  • DrobUA

    Posts: 1331

    Jan 18, 2010 5:49 AM GMT
    For me working out is my time. Friends always ask me to go to the gym with them and I can't do the workout buddy thing. I have my set routines and I'm kinda OCD about it. I have to do certain things in a certain order and doing it alone takes me 2.5 - 3 hours. If I had someone else distracting me I'd be there all day.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2010 7:52 AM GMT
    Fitness and exercise are a very personal thing. It took me 45 years to learn that it is a mental and physical personal decision to make it a regular part of my life. It is a commitment that you make to yourself to do this at a time and in a place and even if its hot, cold, wet , dry, the super-bowl is on or the world series or what have you is happening...you make the commitment that it has to and will happen, even when you don't "feel it".....I don't think this commitment can be overestimated , nor minimalized...and it is certainly not something that anyone can do for someone else. Your BF needs to make his decision and then get comfortable with it. No one likes to be shown-up, nor have someone discover a serious weakness......I think kind words of encouragement are a good point to keep with him. Perhaps your offer to workout together is threatening and scares him to be an obvious novice around you in this arena...let him feel his way through...he'll come through it and be fine...winter sucks and alot of people gain some in the winter and then it drops off in the spring and summer..."cabin fever" of a long hard winter .."BLOWS"!icon_cool.gif
  • owen19832006

    Posts: 1035

    Jan 18, 2010 7:56 AM GMT
    fitness and exercise are a very personal thing, i like to run, i run 4-5 miles everyday and then do some weights, for me its more important to stay fit and healthy than for my bf, whos quite content not to eat and then lose weight.
    im into sports, like athletics, baseball, football etc, he doesnt like any sports, i could sit for ages watching the athletics championships he doesnt get it...
    so fitness should be a personal thing let him be.
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Jan 18, 2010 9:14 AM GMT
    My husband and I have very similar fitness goals and we still don't work out together. He is the sort of highly disciplined person who trains here at our home after work... on his stationary bike and his weight set (yeah, I call them his, even though they're ours). I prefer to go to the gym in the mornings for weight training with my personal trainer or my training parter, and to run outside.

    The way I see it, be glad he's finding the motivation to do it... things can always change in the future.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jan 18, 2010 11:17 AM GMT
    When guys who are in relationships and are at different levels of fitness or when one works out and the other doesn't it becomes an issue if one or both of them Make it an issue

    There are a few things you stated in your post that stand out
    First is that it doesn't matter that much to you
    but then again you mention your BF's grumbling that he wants to change
    If you wanna help him you're going to have to do it without the "Hey let's go to the gym together" statement
    because he's likely very conscious of your different fitness levels and he's uncomfortable with it
    What you can do is ... take him on a weekend hike or a bike ride
    Go shopping with him and pick up some really healthy foods
    Fix him some dinners that are fun tasty and healthy
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Jan 18, 2010 12:05 PM GMT
    My partner and I are the same. More that our schedules are different.
    He is also a runner and has clocked almost 200 miles in the last 6 months and down 10lbs via the scale.
    I'm a lifter, always had been, always will be. When we do go to the gym we go together but work out at different paces. I think the support is still there but it doesn't throw off anyone's pace. Just keep being encouraging.