not "out" but want a monogamous relationship: possible?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2010 4:42 AM GMT
    had some random hookups and really just dont like it. always feels uncomfortable after and regretful. i would like to find a guy to casually date and hang out regularly. however, im not out yet at all and not sure if im ready for it either. is it possible to start dating in this situation? how does one go about finding someone to date? not into the whole gay bar scene. i just feel like its really hard to find another guy to date if i wanted to. i dont even know anyone who is gay
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    Jan 18, 2010 6:41 AM GMT
    I agree with abysmale.

    Coming out first would probably be the best road to having a happy and long LTR.

    I dated a guy for a year and a half who was in the closet, and I ultimately broke it off for that reason. I was tired of being introduced as his school friend or study buddy to his parents and friends.
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    Jan 18, 2010 2:51 PM GMT
    Dating a closeted guy would probably work. Dating an equally closeted guy was how I began the coming-out process, as we both worked on it together. How to find him? Gotta peek out of the closet enough to at least find that one guy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2010 3:00 PM GMT
    No.

    I see you're from Richmond. I live in Northern Virginia, and I know for a fact that Richmond has a very lively gay community. There are bars and clubs, and its easy to get to Charlottesville, where they have this dance club called 217 or something like that. And Richmond is a stone's throw away from D.C., a virtual gay mecca.

    Go to some bars, join gay social groups. Use google to find them and find something you like and go. Explain your situation there to the members, and how you want to change it, meet guys, come to terms with who you are, come out, and make a network of support. They have been there before and will be more than willing to help you out.

    Then find a relationship.
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    Jan 18, 2010 3:01 PM GMT
    I think you'll have a tough time.....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2010 3:08 PM GMT
    gotta walk before you run. To get a boyfriend...be a boyfriend to yourself..and that means honesty
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2010 3:32 PM GMT
    You might consider online dating sites. My soul mate and I connected through Yahoo! Personals. Match.com is another good choice.

    FWIW: You're in control of your public profile, and it's always up to you to reveal as much about yourself as you want. But in the long run, you acknowledge to the world and yourself that you're gay. It doesn't need to be a big deal, and being gay shouldn't stereotype you.
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    Jan 18, 2010 3:49 PM GMT
    You don't need to come screaming out if you're not comfortable with that, however, at the very least you must rid yourself of any shame you may have of being gay. If you have no shame than you don't really care if anyone finds out or not.

    I came out at your age and went about telling all my close friends and family. Now nearly 30 years later I have coming out fatigue. Each time I made new friends I'd have to determine when we were closer enough for them to know. Eventually I just stop telling my new friends and now I wait for them to discover on their own. I don't really care if they figure it out or not. I tend to choose friends that I believe could handle it if they found out. That is one approach you could take but you must have no fear of people finding out and feel no shame about your sexuality.

    Better to deal with it now than at a more advanced age as it doesn't get any easier.
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Jan 18, 2010 4:19 PM GMT
    rvaguy86 saidhad some random hookups and really just dont like it. always feels uncomfortable after and regretful. i would like to find a guy to casually date and hang out regularly. however, im not out yet at all and not sure if im ready for it either. is it possible to start dating in this situation? how does one go about finding someone to date? not into the whole gay bar scene. i just feel like its really hard to find another guy to date if i wanted to. i dont even know anyone who is gay


    Sure it is. You won't have it that easy, obviously, since guys won't really be able to find you easily in the closet. You'll have to find them during those moments when you crack open the door and look out. You might already know plenty of guys who are attracted to men - even you - but haven't revealed themselves to you because you're "straight" and probably not comfortable talking about "the gay thing" (just an assumption - I could be wrong).

    Now if you don't want to look where you KNOW the guys will be gay - i.e. a gay bar - then you'll have to check out other places they'll be, like a straight-gay alliance, a gay bookstore (do any still exist or has the Internet killed them all?) , a pride parade, a gay beach... well, you get the idea: if it has the word "gay" in it, you'll probably meet some there.

    You don't have to find a boyfriend first. First you need gay friends and then you go with them to parties where other gay guys will be and you meet them in the relaxed environment of someone's home and then you let them see how cool of a bf you'd be and then they hound you until you agree to date them.

    That's how easy it is.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2010 4:41 PM GMT
    It's kinda risky to be closeted and try a relationship. What if your boyfriend can't handle the secrecy? Things will start to get rough. You'd be surprised at how many gay "men" frown upon guys that are closeted, and killing your chances of meeting a potential boyfriend. Try dating someone else who is closeted, or try to slowly come out. Try talking to your closest friends and see if they can help. Networking helps. Dude, it's very difficult, but I think chances will be better for you and your future bf to be happier if you come out. Plus it's way easier.
  • martinaston

    Posts: 310

    Jan 29, 2010 7:39 PM GMT
    go for dates with people you meet online
    be upfront about not being out
    plenty of guys out there happy not to broadcast being gay
    do things at your pace, you'll come out when its right for you
    i agree being in a relationship makes coming out the logical thing
    theres a million different types of gay, dont feel you have to conform

    _dr. phil
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    Jan 29, 2010 7:48 PM GMT
    that is what I do
  • myklet1

    Posts: 345

    Feb 02, 2010 3:36 AM GMT
    I dated a married closeted guy for 3 years. I thought it was shit because, hey he was straight. So, thinking back, I think gay guys that I have dated are fucked up enough, why take on the straight world too. You know the guys that say they are ready to settle down and it is just a line of bull that lasts until you are used up.. I always wondered if that happens as much in the straight world too, or are gay guys just to fucked up to settle down...........and I don't mean the ones that settle down to threesomes. I mean two guys that are enough for each other.........does that really happen?
  • _gingin

    Posts: 116

    Feb 02, 2010 3:47 AM GMT
    i know a couple of friends who have been in a long-term relationship but that they're even in a relationship is a term i doubt they themselves use.

    they're both very closeted and masculine, they both gym and play sports together and don't do gayclubbing. the impression that they give everyone is that they're just 'buddies' - but a few of us know whats actually happening.

    that said, anything is possible. just because it hasn't happened and its not easy or normal doesn't mean it won't happen.
  • WILDCARD73

    Posts: 545

    Feb 02, 2010 3:58 AM GMT
    you need to find someone who would be cool with dating a closeted guy not just short term but on the long term too, when u are in 6 or 7 years in the relationship

    i know a lot of guys who are out and dated guys who are closeted, and that caused problems as the relationship got more serious

    i myself want to date someone who is completely out
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 02, 2010 4:16 AM GMT
    I agree with Martinaston, "don't feel you have to conform" isn't that the true essence of being gay, non-conformity, why do gays feel that every gay guy should conform to their gay standards?

    Gingin has a good point too, "just because it's not easy or normal doesn't mean it won't happen"

    Anything that is too easy is not worth as much as the reward of getting through something very difficult

    There are other guys like you out there, start searching...icon_exclaim.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 02, 2010 4:23 AM GMT
    monogamous relationships are very possible if your in the closet, and can be very enjoyable too

    I've had no problems what so ever
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 02, 2010 4:30 AM GMT
    My boyfriend's still in the closet after five years of monogamously being together. Let me tell you, I'm a bloody saint, and you need to get out of the closet before you trick some poor unsuspecting guy into loving you! icon_lol.gif

    The closet is a pain in the arse for everyone involved. I'd recommend that you deal with the closet issue first. Who knows? While you're working your way out, you might learn to appreciate a good hookup. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 02, 2010 4:30 AM GMT
    I'm not completely out and I've been in a monogamous relationship for over a year now... but then again my family lives 1000 miles away. It would be much harder if they lived in the same city I think.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 02, 2010 4:36 AM GMT
    Lol, we think it's possible. Though sometimes they're impossible.

    There are reasons for not being out, and in the US in particular depending where you live, so we respect that.

    We think that to attempt a relationship you need to be prepared to come out to better both your lives. We speak from the other side of the closet door, and think if you guys had a better idea of what it can be like, you'd feel more inspired to try find a way out. icon_wink.gif
  • t0theheights

    Posts: 428

    Feb 02, 2010 4:37 AM GMT
    The bigger question is, what are you still doing in the closet at 22?? I understand every one has to do things at their own pace, but at some point you have to say, it's time to grow up, Peter Pan, and be honest with yourself and others.

    That said, I'd agree it's a bad idea to try for a relationship while in the closet: As those who have been through it have pointed out, it's a pain for every one involved. Relationships require complete honesty--with your partner and with yourself. You will never settle into a real relationship until you overcome that barrier.

    As a general rule, I would never even consider dating someone in the closet. I would, as a friend, first help them through the process of coming out. Then again, living in SF I've never really had to deal with this.... one of the perks of being in a city where gay is normal and straights are the anomaly. lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 02, 2010 4:42 AM GMT
    Im not out yet but I am taking the necessary steps, but not all gay guys are in the "scene", but its harder trying to stay in the closet and trying to find a healthy relationship....im beginging to realize its not realistic. But point is that there are many guys who are not in the gay scene and that are out.
  • wander2340

    Posts: 176

    Feb 02, 2010 4:48 AM GMT
    I found the love of my life while we were both closeted. We found each other online. The process of coming out together helped to strengthen our relationship.

    The thought of dating an out and proud gay man is really scary to me. Especially out in the bar scene. Yikes!!!!

    For the record we're now about as out as you can be and my life is better than I ever dreamed possible icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 02, 2010 4:51 AM GMT
    rvaguy86 saidhad some random hookups and really just dont like it. always feels uncomfortable after and regretful. i would like to find a guy to casually date and hang out regularly. however, im not out yet at all and not sure if im ready for it either. is it possible to start dating in this situation? how does one go about finding someone to date? not into the whole gay bar scene. i just feel like its really hard to find another guy to date if i wanted to. i dont even know anyone who is gay


    I'm in the exact same boat man.
  • swimmermatt10...

    Posts: 281

    Feb 02, 2010 4:52 AM GMT
    It might work out if you date soemone else who is in the closet. You might come into problems if you tried it with someone who is out though (unless they are unbelievably understanding). I tried dating a guy who was still in the closet and had no intention of ever coming out. It got really complicated trying to sneak around his roommates and friends. Going out in public wasnt really the issue it was more when we wanted alone time for intimacy where we ran into some problems. Making up lies of who i was and stuff like that. It just got out of hand. I wanted to be proud of who i was dating, show off my boy but because he wasnt out i couldnt do that. Not really giving you a yes or no answer here just giving you the other persons perspective icon_biggrin.gif