Do gay couples have husband and wife relationship like heterosexual couples???

  • aisan_guy

    Posts: 4

    Jan 19, 2010 9:54 PM GMT
    I always wonder are there husband and wife relatonship exist in gay couples? Is bottom a wife and top a husband? is it true? give me some ideas guysicon_cry.gif
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    Jan 19, 2010 10:30 PM GMT
    I think it varies greatly, not only among same-sex couples but heteros as well. There are many qualities that I have and responsibilities that are typically wifely (social organizer, doctor's appointments, some housework) and others where I'm not (workaholic, self-involved). And vice versa.
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    Jan 19, 2010 10:32 PM GMT
    Can we replace the word "normal" with heterosexual. The title bothered me as it stands.

    That aside, I think gay male relationships like any relationship are diverse as can be and while some may appear to track like heterosexual relationships, I am certain there ones that do not appear to have anything in common outside of the fact that each relationship contains two humans.

    What are you asking more specifically ?
  • jarhead5536

    Posts: 1348

    Jan 19, 2010 10:37 PM GMT
    In any relationship the pair of people will assume roles and responsibilities that represent their personal strengths. My husband is a big ol' hot top, but he is a far better cook than I and completely anal about the laundry, so he does those things. Me? I do yardwork, fix things and do most of the housecleaning...
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    Jan 19, 2010 10:37 PM GMT
    My mom 'wears the pants' in our family--she makes all the decisions, balances the budget, etc. In fact, on both sides of my family, the women have always been more dominate than the men.

    I don't think traditional gender roles are helpful for "normal" relationships... and they certainly don't fit same-sex relationships all the time.
  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Jan 19, 2010 10:37 PM GMT
    For a start I would question the use of the expression "normal couples".

    To me that belittles homosexual relationships. It suggests that they are not "normal". It implies that the male + female model is both "normal" and "normative".

    Heterosexual and homosexuals relationships are normal, but not neccessarily normative.

    Furthermore, are the terms "husband" and "wife" applicable? They relate expressly to both parties of the legal act that is marriage. They are legal terminology, grounded in sex and gender roles created by a male heterosexual society.

    To answer your question : if two gay men get married - i.e. have a legal, civil recognition of their status they cannot be husband and wife due to the fact that both terms have legal (and traditional) definitions that do not fit them: one cannot be a wife because they are not female.

    If two men, or two women are in a relationship and they love each other, at the end of the day, does it really matter what each party is called or what that relationship, and its public recognition is called?


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    Jan 19, 2010 10:38 PM GMT
    it varies.......but some of the trends from classic hetro relationships seem to appear over time, it's really quite funny when you see two guys arguing like an old married couple.

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    Jan 19, 2010 10:45 PM GMT
    In my 20 year relationship with my companion. We have all the same responsabilites, albeit no kids. Yet not the same rights, sorry only concerning financial responsibility to the government. Our right wing government may of been clear to us homosexuals he thought the concept of gay marriage was un Australian, yet he never passed this burden of same sex de facto relationships on us, where it is now only the privileged in the gay and lesbian communities, who have a choice of living together, that can afford too.
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    Jan 19, 2010 10:49 PM GMT
    Pattison saidIn my 20 year relationship with my companion. We have all the same responsabilites, albeit no kids. Yet not the same rights, sorry only concerning financial responsibility to the government. Our right wing government may of been clear to us homosexuals he thought the concept of gay marriage was un Australian, yet he never passed this burden of same sex de facto relationships on us, where it is now only the privileged in the gay and lesbian communities, who have a choice of living together, that can afford too.


    huh2.jpg
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    Jan 19, 2010 11:03 PM GMT
    djdorchester said
    Pattison saidIn my 20 year relationship with my companion. We have all the same responsabilites, albeit no kids. Yet not the same rights, sorry only concerning financial responsibility to the government. Our right wing government may of been clear to us homosexuals he thought the concept of gay marriage was un Australian, yet he never passed this burden of same sex de facto relationships on us, where it is now only the privileged in the gay and lesbian communities, who have a choice of living together, that can afford too.


    huh2.jpg


    Yeah. I don't understand it either.
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    Jan 19, 2010 11:25 PM GMT
    aisan_guy saidI always wonder are there husband and wife relatonship exist in gay couples? Is bottom a wife and top a husband? is it true? give me some ideas guysicon_cry.gif

    Like some of the others here, the use of the phrase "normal couples" disturbs me. But, I note that English may not be your first language, and I'm sure you meant no offense.

    As a friendly suggestion, better terms for your thread topic might be "straight couples" or "traditional couples." But to your point:

    The idea that one half of a gay couple is the "husband" and the other the "wife" is a common misconception, especially among straight people. Straight men in particular will scornfully ask "Which one of you is the wife?"

    Well, most gay men I know in relationships are BOTH a husband. Indeed, I've never heard one refer to the other as his wife. Rather, they each will say "my husband" when talking about their partner.

    And I'm not sure that being a top or bottom is a factor, either, or even whether if one of them does drag, and I've known all kinds of combinations. What about couples who are versatile, taking equal turns as both top and bottom? How should they be called?

    A male is a husband, and 2 males are both husbands in a gay relationship. At least that's how I and all my gay friends see it.
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Jan 19, 2010 11:34 PM GMT
    aisan_guy saidI always wonder are there husband and wife relatonship exist in gay couples? Is bottom a wife and top a husband? is it true? give me some ideas guysicon_cry.gif


    I'm sure my boyfriend and I prescribe to many of the relationship roles attributed to married couples or to any couple for that matter...we each have our strengths and we bring those strengths into our relationship...

    I definitely wear my emotions on my sleeve...however, I wouldn't label myself a "wife" or a "bottom"...we both are emotional managers in the relationship...I usually handle the "here and now" issues...he handles the "long term" stuff...

    - David
  • aisan_guy

    Posts: 4

    Jan 20, 2010 12:11 AM GMT
    pjp201 saidCan we replace the word "normal" with heterosexual. The title bothered me as it stands.

    That aside, I think gay male relationships like any relationship are diverse as can be and while some may appear to track like heterosexual relationships, I am certain there ones that do not appear to have anything in common outside of the fact that each relationship contains two humans.

    What are you asking more specifically ?


    sorry guys, i couldnt find anyword to describe heterosexual relationship icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Jan 20, 2010 12:13 AM GMT
    aisan_guy said
    pjp201 saidCan we replace the word "normal" with heterosexual. The title bothered me as it stands.

    That aside, I think gay male relationships like any relationship are diverse as can be and while some may appear to track like heterosexual relationships, I am certain there ones that do not appear to have anything in common outside of the fact that each relationship contains two humans.

    What are you asking more specifically ?


    sorry guys, i couldnt find anyword to describe heterosexual relationship icon_rolleyes.gif



    It's OK. We just call it breeding.

  • gymingit

    Posts: 156

    Jan 20, 2010 12:31 AM GMT
    I'm with jarhead

    QUOTE AUTHOR GOES HEREIn any relationship the pair of people will assume roles and responsibilities that represent their personal strengths. My husband is a big ol' hot top, but he is a far better cook than I and completely anal about the laundry, so he does those things. Me? I do yardwork, fix things and do most of the housecleaning...


    I'm not married, but my best friend (would like for him to be my bf and husband someday) is very much the total top that cooks, does laundry, works the yards etc.... He's does everything and anything.

    Me, I just follow orders. LOL Tell me what you want done and I'm good with money and the financial side. Not that he isn't. The man is very well rounded and versatile (except in bed). LOL


  • pudgedaddy

    Posts: 7

    Jan 20, 2010 12:36 AM GMT
    My ex and I co-parent a 14 year old boy. We are both masculine men.
    I spent my early life doing things like hunting, fishing and camping and have ended up being the gentle, compassionate and nurturing parent. My ex grew up playing with dolls and fabric swatches and is a much more aggressive and demanding parent. I didn't see either of us in particularly husband or wife roles. I am more sensitive yet I was the one that could change the flat tire. If your definition of husband/wife roles is dictated by who's getting penetrated...I think it's a crap shoot
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Jan 20, 2010 12:52 AM GMT

    my friends and I usually do. whenever I am with someone, female or male - gay or straight, people ask us/me/him/her if we're dating/a couple. when we say no ... they look at us as if we're the worst liars they've encountered.

    perfect examples:

    Juddie and I.
    MeOhMy and I.
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    Jan 20, 2010 6:17 AM GMT
    the premise of this question is extremely annoying.

    there are all kinds of dynamics between people. straight or gay etc. And a lot of social pressures/stereotyping where the husband/top must be the dominant and wife/bottom must be submissive makes things difficult and 'unnatural' --- that is why things don't work out a lot of times when trying to subscribe to these roles in the heterosexual relaitonships.

    Stop the pigeonhole categorising mentality. The right wing religious ( christianity) concept of family and relationship is totally fucked up.

    Let's just be.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 20, 2010 11:50 AM GMT
    Easy answer for myself: NO! icon_rolleyes.gif Roles and identities are things we assume, create, are given, assimilate, develop, change... on a daily basis!
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Jan 20, 2010 12:46 PM GMT
  • Melos

    Posts: 264

    Jan 20, 2010 2:16 PM GMT
    You guys are lucky. If I don't have the house clean, fresh laundry in the drawers, dinner on the table, and a pie in the oven by the time my boyfriend gets home from work, he busts out the belt.
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    Jan 20, 2010 2:31 PM GMT
    My ex and I weren't very traditional in that sense. I was much better at putting things together and he was much better at fixing things. He was better at cars, and I was better at computers. He had a higher salary than I did, but I spent less comparatively. He was a much better housekeeper than I, and I was a much better cook than he was. Yet he was the bottom...

    Make of that what you will.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jan 20, 2010 2:45 PM GMT
    jrs1 said
    where's the rest, darn it? icon_wink.gif
  • hartfan

    Posts: 1037

    Jan 20, 2010 5:51 PM GMT
    rnch said
    jrs1 said
    where's the rest, darn it? icon_wink.gif


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    Jan 20, 2010 8:53 PM GMT
    Ahhh......the dangers of trying to define a gay couple by heterosexual standards. It doesn't apply unless the two guys want to play those roles.....otherwise every gay couple I've known has defined their own relationship.

    And the happiest gay couples I know discard heterosexual gender roles in regards to sex, work, income, responsibilities around the house and allow each other develop whatever either one of them prfers (or is good at).

    Be careful how you think of the word "normal" Do you want to be "normal"?
    If you call other people normal, does that make you abnormal?