How do I disclose my HIV status to my partner?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 21, 2010 3:12 PM GMT
    I met someone and we are hitting it off, we havn't had sex yet and we have been dating for almost 2 weeks. We talked about past relastionships and likes and dislikes, we have alot in common, I was tested for HIV and my results are negative, how do I bring up the subject about his status?
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jan 21, 2010 3:44 PM GMT
    Ask him. Tell him you you tested and are negative. Don't assume anything.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 21, 2010 4:46 PM GMT
    Tell him your status
    throw him in bed - get the condoms out - and good lube! Have a sweaty messy orgasmic time!

    Neg or HIV+ - use caution til you both feel you can do without - perferably after a year of serious dating - but again for some that might be even too early.

    Just be accessible and accepting whatever he tells you about his status.
    Remember you are nervous and negative - could you imagine what he is feeling if he turned out to be be positive.

    GOOD LUCK.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 21, 2010 5:00 PM GMT
    I think you could just bring it up as, "I was tested recently and I'm HIV negative" and just let him take the hint to disclose his status. You should do this in a private place so that you can have an honest discussion. Good Luck
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Jan 21, 2010 5:01 PM GMT
    First you know you are negative. Ask him if he has had one recently and you guys go together. Make it very casual and don't make a big deal out of it.
    Not assuming anything, but he may need you if the results are +.
    I think the stigma of the "test" we need to drop. Nothing else in our society is private why should that be.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 21, 2010 5:06 PM GMT
    A pop-up book or interpretive dance routine to 'Waterfalls' a la TLC would work well ...

    Honestly, I would be up front and ask. If you're not comfortable having the conversation, maybe you're not comfortable enough with him to be having sex?
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    Jan 21, 2010 5:09 PM GMT
    Protect yourself no matter what.

    You've been dating two weeks - have you asked him if he has cancer or TB or cooties?
  • D972

    Posts: 125

    Jan 21, 2010 5:22 PM GMT
    Well i half-heartedly agree with the poster above ... while TB is curable, and cancer is non transmittable ... and well cooties just doesn't exist, HIV is a relevant issue when dating another gay man especially if you want to become sexually active with him. I feel it is important that all advice be relative to the subject at hand and as such, yes protect yourself until you feel comfortable regardless of status, but you've every right to know and ask about his status. Whether he tells you the truth, or even knows is a whole different subject.
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    Jan 21, 2010 5:43 PM GMT
    ASGCville saidI met someone and we are hitting it off, we havn't had sex yet and we have been dating for almost 2 weeks. We talked about past relastionships and likes and dislikes, we have alot in common, I was tested for HIV and my results are negative, how do I bring up the subject about his status?

    chat, chat chat... "Oh, I just got the results back on my last HIV test, and I wanted to let you know I'm negative."

    Either he replies with his own status, or his silence means he hasn't been tested recently, or at all, or else he's poz. But poz can be safe if you know what you're doing, and practice safe sex.

    Safe sex means assuming EVERY guy is poz, cause even they may not know their own status. And since testing results lag between 3 to 6 months following infection, unless he's had the newer, more expensive test with quicker results, consider an unknown guy to ALWAYS be poz. He may answer he's neg, too, but be wrong.

    In other words, his answer of negative is meaningless. And so, for that matter, may be yours.

    Does that help?
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jan 21, 2010 6:00 PM GMT
    Red_Vespa said
    ASGCville saidI met someone and we are hitting it off, we havn't had sex yet and we have been dating for almost 2 weeks. We talked about past relastionships and likes and dislikes, we have alot in common, I was tested for HIV and my results are negative, how do I bring up the subject about his status?

    chat, chat chat... "Oh, I just got the results back on my last HIV test, and I wanted to let you know I'm negative."

    Either he replies with his own status, or his silence means he hasn't been tested recently, or at all, or else he's poz. But poz can be safe if you know what you're doing, and practice safe sex.

    Safe sex means assuming EVERY guy is poz, cause even they may not know their own status. And since testing results lag between 3 to 6 months following infection, unless he's had the newer, more expensive test with quicker results, consider an unknown guy to ALWAYS be poz. He may answer he's neg, too, but be wrong.

    In other words, his answer of negative is meaningless. And so, for that matter, may be yours.

    Does that help?


    Perfect advice, just bring it up in conversation. Or you could say "My friend just got back his test and it was negative. Mine was negative too a few weeks ago.". It should be really easy to talk about these things, and most likely he wants to know too.
  • SimonChgo

    Posts: 15

    Jan 21, 2010 6:09 PM GMT
    First, I agree with everyone. Most important is in relationship - you both have to communicate so just asking him if he is "clean" - and when was his test is most important. Just be open. And always play safe. Just remember even if he is poz, you can be in great relationship. Make sure you read up online.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 21, 2010 6:19 PM GMT
    Sounds like good advice. I think I would predicate any discussion in light of the need to be candid, honest and forthright.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 21, 2010 6:23 PM GMT
    Or if just bringing it up cold turkey is hard, be late to meet him next time and then apologize that you were checking an email from your doctor with the results of your test. Let him know the results and then open the dialog to inquire as to his status and all. Be creative but definitely be communicative. Being open at the early stage sets the tone for down the road quite nicely.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jan 21, 2010 6:26 PM GMT
    when i start up with someone new i assume that he is pos until test reults prove otherwise.
  • Anto

    Posts: 2035

    Jan 21, 2010 6:37 PM GMT
    I would just ask him, that doesn't mean he's going to tell the truth though.
    Imo I think gay men should also be tested for certain kinds of intestinal parasites as well. There are certain kinds that for most people don't show signs or symptoms but can turn deadly later on and are more prevalent among men who have sex with men. Can be spread without even having sex.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 21, 2010 6:41 PM GMT
    Way too much drama here.

    "I just got a HIV test done. I was negative. What's your status?"

    Golly.

    Keep
    It
    Simple
    Silly

    Then, do the right thing: protect yourself, him, and society, by being a responsible, caring, adult and doing what you know needs to be done.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 21, 2010 6:51 PM GMT
    ASGCville saidI met someone and we are hitting it off, we havn't had sex yet and we have been dating for almost 2 weeks. We talked about past relastionships and likes and dislikes, we have alot in common, I was tested for HIV and my results are negative, how do I bring up the subject about his status?


    Looking at the OP's profile I figure this thread is meant to start a conversation regarding having "the talk" not an actual situation. Great topic ... but how about being up front and starting the conversation with "hey guys how do you share your status when dating?"

    My apologies if this is an actual question...but if it is perhaps you should read some of the pamphlets that you probably hand out at the AIDS/HIV Services Group.

    btw - I am POZ and always bring my status up long before my partner/prospective partners do.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 21, 2010 7:47 PM GMT
    For love milk and honey just TELL HIM!
  • PipHop

    Posts: 439

    Jan 21, 2010 7:49 PM GMT
    I just went on a date with a guy and I asked him point blank. He said no, I said the same thing and we continued laughing at the family who's child would not come from under the table. It's a 2 second sentence and only a big deal if you make it so. Asking is easy and necessary; it's after you get an answer (sometimes) that you have to decide what's next.
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    Jan 23, 2010 4:40 AM GMT
    I agree...just ask him outright. Your dating, your going to eventually have sex. It should be something that is known, not kept a secret...but what does his answer mean to you either way?

    Wether he has it or not you should wear a condom.

    NO ONE ELSE IS GOING TO PROTECT YOU EXCEPT FOR YOU.

    Speaking as a person that just got out of a "monogamous" relationship and contracted HIV from his "yea im negative" partner.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 23, 2010 4:41 AM GMT
    Make a copy of it and Gift wrap it.....just in time for valentines day.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 23, 2010 4:50 AM GMT
    How do you ask? Simple. You just man up and put it all out on the table with a "no hold bars" attitude and ask with cool and clam face.

    No one is ever gonna take your safety as seriously as you and if ever a time comes in your life where you feel a question like this is to be pussyfooted around then you should do yourself a favor and not continue the relationship.

    If he's a man then he'll understand and if anything he should be worried about his status as well as yours. The very same question should be on his mind too. In any case don't avoid the question and don't sugar coat it either.

    "Are you negative/positive?"
    "Have you been tested lately?"
    "Would you like to come to the clinic with me and get tested together?"
    "Do you know the status of your last BF, FB, Fling?"

    Questions like that may seem hard to ask but in the long run you will be thanking yourself that you did ask and that you didn't hold back. You'd be surprised how many don't ask questions like these when they have the chance and how often they regret that didn't take stuff like this seriously and literally threw caution to the wind. Mind you some people are careful about stuff like this and unfortunately fall through the cracks but that doesn't mean you have to be one of them.

    If he's as good of a guy as he seems to be then answering your questions should be a breeze and honest should ensue. Simple as that. I wish more people would take their safety as well as others seriously and not try to think of ways to dodge bullets or feel like they are standing on pins and needles when asking this type of question. It isn't offensive and as long as you ask it with some tact then their shouldn't be a problem.

    For all you know your guy is getting ready to ask you. Don't wait to ask or be asked. It's just like taking a band-aid off. Do it quickly.

    Best of luck, buddy.
  • myklet1

    Posts: 345

    Feb 08, 2010 9:40 PM GMT
    People should be comfortable asking ones HIV status. It is unfortunate that it can be difficult for one to reveal they are positive for fear of what will happen. The stigma around HIV needs to end. If you feel that it doesn't matter either way, then let him know that. But also be honest with him that if he is positive it will bother you if in fact it will. So much better than giving the cold shoulder. There should be no tip toeing around it. I have a friend in Florida, that tells guys within minutes of conversation that he is positive. He always said he'd rather get it out of the way and move on from there, instead of wasting time. Just remember, we are all human beings with feelings...........so be honest
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 11, 2010 7:34 PM GMT
    It was amazing I was able to bring up my status, I disclosed the information that I felt comfortable shaing, we went together for an HIV test and found out both of our status. Now that we know we are both negative we can work together in staying that way,I know that a negative test result enables us both to continue limiting our risks but staying together in a mongomous relationship, any other pointers.thanks
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 11, 2010 7:41 PM GMT
    I was always told when you start a relationship you need to get tested together! same time, same place, make no assumptions.