i may have lost the love of my life .... what if shes a women, but i think im gay

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    Jan 24, 2010 9:56 AM GMT
    so like my profile says i recently became open with my sexuality and im "bi". along with this new found discovery i told one of my good friends at college about and her and i gradually became closer. We were always together and when we werent i couldnt wait to see her. We've talked about how i might be gay and we talked about our sex lives, we were comfortable to be ourselves around each other which is something neither of us have been able to do in college or in highschool. She told me she was leaving our college about three days ago left about 4:00 yest. i've been avoiding this day since she told me and since she left she's all i can think about. i Want to be with her, hear her voice . I never told her how i felt, honestly i dont know maybe i am straight but i cant really decide. all i know is that i do love her but i cant decipher what kind of love it is.

    as a kid i've always been teased about being gay cause of have very feminine tendency's but ive never honestly knew what i was. she is the first person i've ever felt this way about does that mean im straight, except that im attracted to men too? i dont knnow waht to do or if i can ever stop thinking about her. I want to be explore me before i make any decisions...

    have any of u ever questioned if being gay was truly who u are? i dont know i feel like im constantly being tugged between homo and hetero. any ideas how i can stop feeling like crap and maybe analyze my feelings?
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    Jan 24, 2010 11:52 AM GMT
    Are you sexually attracted to her?

    There's such a thing called emotional love (agape, as differentiated from the physical eros). I've been there, and even though I really liked the girl, I can't imagine doing the horizontal tango with her. It's the kind of love you feel for a close friend, a parent, your children, your pet, your teddy bear, your hometown, etc. (a less all-encompassing, more impersonal version of agape is called philia).

    Physical attraction is more complex. A combination of instinct, psychological factors, pheromones, whatever, and if you don't feel that way you'll really be nothing more than a bestfriend for her.

    Sure physical attraction fades as you get older, and it's often replaced by just simple emotional love (and just philia or storge, fondness) that are often the case between married couples. But I don't really think just one of those is enough to satisfy the criteria of a 'soulmate'.

    But if you think you really are bi, I dunno. Sexuality isn't really something that can be defined neatly. Just be aware that she has a say in the matter too and she isn't just an experiment.
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    Jan 24, 2010 12:09 PM GMT
    thats the thing i am physically attracted to her and i know she is attracted to mme but we never went as far as defining our relationship.....

    -thank you though, so it's normal to question these things right? meaning my sexuality
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    Jan 24, 2010 12:14 PM GMT
    Only went through it when I still desperately wanted to be 'normal' in my teens. Not now though, I know what turns me on, and it isn't oysters. icon_razz.gif

    But yeah, if you think you can make it work, and if you think she feels the same, it can't hurt to try. Just be open about it and honest (i.e. don't go marrying her until you know it's the real thing!). I suppose you can ask for advice from more experienced bi guys.
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    Jan 24, 2010 2:21 PM GMT
    I belive that you can be gay, but fall in love with girl, just as you can be straight and fall in love with a guy.

    Although you may not be intrested in someone when you first meet them, as your relationship develops you may grow feelings for them.

    So from what you said you have physical attractions to guys. Now what you have to think about is who you have an emotional attraction to.

    Physical attraction is just a doorway into realizing what your sexuality is. I think the emotional part is what makes you "Gay" or "Straight".
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    Jan 24, 2010 2:26 PM GMT
    Wait, Sed, I am actually (serious here) confused about Oysters and Snails. I mean, I always thought that Snails were girls and Oysters were boys. Do I have that backwards?

    Thanks for the explication about agape, etc.

    My own experience is that there is something between agape and eros that can occur between a man and a woman. My therapist, whom I trust, says that my problem there is that I am fuckin batshit kwazy.

    Here is something that really stuck with me. For the moment I am talking about the BDSM world.

    Back in the day I remember at first being banned from and later declining to participate in Inferno because the promulgated a policy that said -I kid you not- that anyone born with a vagina was prohibited from participating.

    I never understood how deviants who promoted everything from felching to bullwhipping could possibly be freaked out by FTM transexuals (whom the policy was designed to exclude).

    The other point was that there are more forms of sexual interaction than just vaginal intercourse. Personally, the odds of me doing any muff-diving are zero, but anal intercourse with a woman is comprehensible to me (and really common amongst straight people).

    Furthermore, when someone is beating the crap out me with a signal whip the vagina is the last thing on my mind (I am just enjoying the experience, the endorphins, and all of the panoply of things that make this fun for me).

    I've had sex with FTM's who exceed all standards of masculinity promoted by the looniest mascuphiliacs who hang out around RJ.

    Based on that I always thought that parts are parts and they have little to do with the whole. My feeling has been that gender perception is an obstacle to pleasure, especially when it comes to alternative sexuality.

    I would agree with the idea that experimenting with women selfishly is a dickwad thing to do. On the other hand, I'd say that experimenting with men sexually is the same thing.

    I mean, when you play with other people's hearts then some degree of honesty is really necessary. Otherwise, it is all just narcissism taken to an illogical extreme, where other people are just big inflatable dildos who happen to locomote.

    Anyway, I would encourage you to amplify your thesis to at least consider the possibility of different loving. Also, take into account that two people of different biological gender might share a BDSM sexual orientation.

    Having lived in LA for 13 years I have friends of every conceivable configuration, including male couples who used to be female couples and vice versa.

    Personally, I hate the term bisexual. This is absolutely used (especially by Gay men) as a pejorative. I aspire to be pansexual (though I haven't gotten the kind of reactions out of the iron skillet I want, I am still trying with Teflon -much easier to insert-). Actually, I am not nearly as pansexual as would like to be - making me the pansexual equivalent of a political Lesbian.

    I do love the term transgender. I like to think of that as meaning gender transformation or gender transcendence.

    I really buy into the notion of sacredness that goes with transgender. Especially this reminds me of Hermaphrodite (child of Hermes and Aphrodite).

    Blah, blah, blah

    Yeah, soulmate is a gender independent role. This I truly believe.

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    Jan 24, 2010 3:00 PM GMT
    UrsaMajor saidWait, Sed, I am actually (serious here) confused about Oysters and Snails. I mean, I always thought that Snails were girls and Oysters were boys. Do I have that backwards?

    Well, my view on the matter is more oriental, haha. Oysters and other bivalves have always been symbols of the Yoni. Which leaves no doubt as to what they were supposed to represent. icon_wink.gif
  • victor8

    Posts: 237

    Jan 24, 2010 4:36 PM GMT
    oops! your both better off if you don't know and can't commit!