Stopping a break-up from becoming worse

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    Jan 24, 2010 10:56 PM GMT
    **It's a bit to read, but I really would like some feedback if you can..

    I broke up with my boyfriend about 2 months ago. Our last time after seeing each other was about on Thanksgiving of this past year to visit his estranged mother. On the way there he said to me "Don't be surprised if I act crappy, I just want to detach myself from you, because your leaving.

    I was only in the area for 4 months, we both made a mutual decision to go forward and see what happens and let the feelings grow.

    Back to the story...

    Time passed and a couple of weekends when he didn't work he said he would make it down to see me if he wasn't called into work. One weekend,I checked on him to see if he was working and he was off, he just said he felt bad angry aggravated about something. So I spent that day alone, and planned to goto Dallas that Saturday night, I asked him if he would have a problem with it and he said "Your a free man, I'm not going to tie you down". I took it with a grain of salt and left. Later about 50miles into the drive, I turned around because I didn't want to have fun if my boyfriend was upset, I texted him "i'm going back home, it doesn't feel right w/o you" he responded to an effect "your a grown man, go have fun, I'm already out and I'm surviving just fine...."

    Needless to say I was floored, I broke it off the next day, because we probably weren't going to see each other again and also I was leaving the area. He just said before I do leave, go up and see him.

    Now it's been 2 months since the break-up and last weekend and one of my good friend returned from deployment to Iraq. She wanted to get together but she lives in San Antonio and I live 6hours north of San An. At the same time however I remember saying to my ex I would see him, I texted my ex and ask if he still wanted to visit and he said "No, I don't want to see you. Who wants to be hurt again, I don't". Next day I did a bit of soul searching and decided that since I may never see him again and that I still held a idea of a relationship with him in my head I needed to break all ties, and finally let it go. I deleted him from facebook, myspace, cell phone contact etc. etc.

    Now fast forward to this weekend (friday), he discovered that I deleted him and he texted me "Are you that immature that you would delete me off facebook?" . From there we had a very brief back and forth on facebook which involved me placing a block on his facebook page. This morning (sunday) he sent me a txt and said "I can't believe you said I did all that crap, I'm glad i'm finally getting to know to get the real you, thanks for wasting my time" I responded and left him with "I'm blocking your number..."

    Now I have a new cellular number and I'm finally leaving the area tomorrow. My only concern is did I handle the right way... I really tried to handle this to the best of my ability.

    I guess my question is am I dealing with a scorned lover? Is there anything else I should do? This was my first serious relationship, I just don't want this to affect me the rest of my life...

    Thanks
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    Jan 24, 2010 11:37 PM GMT
    Seeing one break up after another, I think you did do the best thing anyone could have done after a breakup. People usually fall under the temptation of "let's just be friends", which rarely turns into a good friendship with no "occasional benefits" (which also leads into a complete mess).

    It was very smart of you to admit that you kept thinking of him as your boyfriend after the breakup and decided it was best for you to take a break from him. He called you immature for doing that, but I think the real immature one is him, as he is failing to understand that you really need this to move on and this might even work to his advantage as well.

    I am no relationship expert, as I have always avoided anything too serious (I'm only 19 years old after all =P), but I've been there for too many friends of mine going through the same situation as yours. Most of them tried the "let's be friends" thing, and all I can say is that every single one of them failed miserably, and they ended up sticking to the plan I suggested for them, which was to avoid contact from each other at least for a few months or so. Even then, the damage was still done =( but I guess they learned their lesson. I think this is just one of those situations where statistics and common sense overrule "feelings".

    Anyways, I think you made a great choice and well, good luck on your recovery =) I hope you find the real Mr. Right very soon.

    Steven
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    Jan 24, 2010 11:41 PM GMT
    @Steve thanks man, I'm glad to get some level headed advice. Even writing this out I figured I did the best thing, I just wish should have found it with-in me earlier.

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    Jan 24, 2010 11:50 PM GMT
    Ricovelas saidI guess my question is am I dealing with a scorned lover? Is there anything else I should do? This was my first serious relationship, I just don't want this to affect me the rest of my life...

    Thanks

    Some exes do behave like this. I had one. He broke up with me repeatedly, then each time a couple of weeks later he'd say we were lovers again, and all was well.

    After about the 6th or 7th cycle of this, during one of his "I never want to see you again" phases, I'd had enough and accepted the invite of a guy I'd known online. I then met him in person, and we quickly became lovers.

    My now-permanent ex was furious. He told me I was making a terrible mistake, he dissed the other guy in every way, he tried to win me back. No-go.

    Even after my new partner & I moved in together, my ex tried to break us up. Yet this was the same guy who refused to say we were partners, hardly even boyfriends, who demanded an open relationship so he could fuck anybody he wanted. Yet when I found a guy who really loved me, it was ME who had betrayed HIM, he the injured party.

    Yeah, some guys are that seriously irrational and delusional. Don't even try to make sense of it or explain it. Move on, nothing to see here.
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    Jan 25, 2010 1:05 AM GMT
    I think it's too late to salvage anything of a friendship from this situation.
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    Jan 25, 2010 1:31 AM GMT
    After a break-up you need to do the things that make you feel good going forward. If that means exorcizing him from your life, so be it. And you shouldn't give a rat's ass of what he thinks about your measures.

    As others have mentioned 'staying friends' rarely works and will just keep you confused longer. Especially now that you live far apart, you should let the contact rest or even die.
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    Jan 25, 2010 1:44 AM GMT
    Everyone thanks!!

    I had already planned to just make it all distant memory, but for some reason he keeps remerging...

    Well I hope that's the end of off to better times and better people I hope! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jan 25, 2010 1:58 AM GMT
    Ricovelas saidEveryone thanks!!

    I had already planned to just make it all distant memory, but for some reason he keeps remerging...

    Well I hope that's the end of off to better times and better people I hope! icon_biggrin.gif


    Happy hunting
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    Jan 25, 2010 2:00 AM GMT
    What you're going through sounds a lot like what my ex and I went through almost a year ago... there is another side. you'll be on it eventually... I promise. this is coming from a guy who's been where you are himself.
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    Jan 25, 2010 3:20 AM GMT
    Ricovelas, you loved him, so thoughts will keep resurfacing - an indication of the depth and sensitivity you're capable of. Move onwards with this feather in your cap!
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    Jan 25, 2010 3:29 AM GMT
    meninlove said Ricovelas, you loved him, so thoughts will keep resurfacing - an indication of the depth and sensitivity you're capable of. Move onwards with this feather in your cap!


    Your right, I can still recall more intimate and cherished moments no matter how small, I know it's going to be less frequent as time goes on, but you can never forget.

    I will say I loved him, I can say I know somewhere in my mind I still do. However, for the sake of my well being and to prevent any more drama, I know it's better to just move on.

    Thanks meninlove!

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    Jan 25, 2010 3:49 AM GMT
    Oh hey, you're welcome Rico - you're a man with love in his heart - it'll take you far and to unexpected happiness. Journeys end in lovers meeting ( a little Shakespear, lol). So, begin your journey. icon_wink.gif