Feels like Im totaly losing it

  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Jan 25, 2010 1:34 PM GMT
    Dear RJers, excuse me whilst I get emo. My mum died 28th December last year. She’d had cancer for 11 years and had fought bravely until the last six weeks of her life when she went into the Hospice.

    What I cant figure out is that my mom told me she was "all okay" when she was in the hospital so that I didnt worry...and the reality was she was lying to me. My mom lied to me. said it was ok...If only Id known sooner I wouldve gone over more to see her. I really regret not being able to see her as much as I wanted to in the last six months of he life but she told me not to worry........I can see the logic but it still hurts.

    Since then…I’ve just not stopped. Ive been unable to take time off work: I don’t get sick pay from my job not even Satutory Sick Pay. I wasn’t allowed time off to get to her funeral but I still went.

    I’ve jsut been working flat out. Trying to keep it together. Get money in to pay the bills.

    I havent been able to cry for her. To grieve properly. I’ve seen a counsellor – the Hospice Chaplain where she died – for a few sessions over last summer, but I havent been able to see a therapist or counsellor due to waiting lists, not being able to afford one and despite the Hospice in Wakefield trying to set soemthing up with one in Manchester where I live….zilch. Nothing. The Hospice in Wakefielde where my mum died tried to contact the one in Manchester only to be told that as my died in Wakefield I was not elligable for any help in Manchester. The same response was garnered from MacMillan. If I was in Wakefield it wold be fine but because I live away from where my mom died Im not elligable for anythging unless I take time off work - which I cannot afford to do - and go there.

    A Church based Counselling Service told me to go away because, despite being a Christian, I wasnt a Christian according to their definition (the organisation, Cruse, isnt meant to be a “Christian counselling service” anyway….)

    I feel like I am about to explode with emotions. I am so thin skinned. Emotional all the time. feel like crying all the time. I have no motivation. No energy, a crushing lethargy and a terrible fear of bills and not being able to pay them…and also a terrible fear of being alone. I feel like I am collapsing in on myself….I can feel it emotionally and physically (slouching, poor posture). Nothing interests me and I cannot settle yet despite being down I have the raging horn most of the time, and feel like just randomly hooking up with some cute guy. Same with all sorts of things…not being able to concentrate to read, to play the piano, to watch a movie. Wanting desperately to relax, to be stimulated but everything bores.

    I feel like someone has opened a tap and drained out all my energy, mental and physical. I hardly got out of bed yesterday, it was too much effort.

    Im just so tired and ….dunno…..can’t feel a thing really.

    Help?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 25, 2010 2:34 PM GMT
    I don't think your mother would want you to feel any guilt at all about what happened.
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    Jan 25, 2010 2:38 PM GMT
    I'm curious if you've done any reading. I understand that counseling is expensive and out of reach for many people... and that pro bono counseling is hard to come by and not always of the most helpful quality.

    But there are certainly dozens of books and even more articles out there that can help you to get a grip on life. What you describe sounds like depression, I'm not a professional but have dealt with family who have been depressive and overcome it. They read some great books about surviving loss of love and battling back from depression. These three come to mind... I even read (or skimmed) through them to get some tips on how to help them. Not everything in them will pertain to you, but they were extremely helpful in bringing some perspective to the bad feelings. And they are affordable. It's a good start.

    http://www.amazon.com/Living-Through-Personal-Crisis-Stearns/dp/0345322932/ref=sid_dp_dp

    http://www.amazon.com/Survive-Loss-Love-Peter-McWilliams/dp/0931580439/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264430456&sr=8-1

    http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Therapy-Revised-Updated/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_18?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264430611&sr=1-18
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 25, 2010 2:40 PM GMT
    I am sorry about the loss of your mother.

    I gather that you don't have medical insurance to help defray costs, but you're obviously depressed, perhaps clinically, and you need some assistance. I checked online for grief support groups in your area and found this listing:

    Manchester Area Bereavement Forum
    362 Manchester Road
    Droylsden,
    Manchester M43 6QX
    Tel: 0161 371 8860
    www.mabf.org.uk

    Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 25, 2010 2:53 PM GMT
    Rowing_Ant saidI feel like I am about to explode with emotions. I am so thin skinned. Emotional all the time. feel like crying all the time. I have no motivation. No energy, a crushing lethargy and a terrible fear of bills and not being able to pay them…and also a terrible fear of being alone. I feel like I am collapsing in on myself….I can feel it emotionally and physically (slouching, poor posture). Nothing interests me and I cannot settle yet despite being down I have the raging horn most of the time, and feel like just randomly hooking up with some cute guy. Same with all sorts of things…not being able to concentrate to read, to play the piano, to watch a movie. Wanting desperately to relax, to be stimulated but everything bores.

    I feel like someone has opened a tap and drained out all my energy, mental and physical. I hardly got out of bed yesterday, it was too much effort.


    Hey Ant,

    I lost my dad in August of '08. Everything you've written about how you're feeling, even down to wanting to randomly hook up, is exactly what I felt. My friends who lost a parent also felt exactly the same.

    I'm not a therapist, and I can't fix things, but I can tell you this: you are not alone, and what you are going thru is not unusual at all, given what you've been thru. Here's what's ahead for you:

    It will take some unpredictable amount of time, but at some random time and place, in a grocery store, out at a bar with friends, at a bus stop, something will trigger and you will lose it. You'll release that loss and grief. I'm hoping a friend will be nearby to hold you. Don't worry about any timetable. Don't think there is a "normal" for this. There isn't. It happens when it happens.

    And second. You will eventually incorporate this loss into who you are, and put it in it's proper place. You'll also put the memory of your mom's ending in proper perspective next to her long life. Right now, it's all out of proportion. It will take a few Christmases and New Years and birthdays before that happens, but it does happen.

    Posting here was a good idea. If you can find someone in real life who has been thru this recently (informally, thru the net), then that would be an even better thing.

    Until then, we're with ya, and I'm sending some big virtual hugs.

    K
  • wander2340

    Posts: 176

    Jan 25, 2010 2:54 PM GMT
    I have a very good friend who is a professional therapist. She is fantastic and has helped me many times when something horrible has happened. I'm sure she would be willing to chat on the phone. You would be amazed at how she can help you sort through all the emotions you are feeling. It would be wrong to post her number here but send me an e-mail and I will put you in touch with her.
  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Jan 25, 2010 2:55 PM GMT
    I'm sorry icon_redface.gificon_cry.gif
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    Jan 25, 2010 3:07 PM GMT
    I'm impressed with all of the quality advice I've just read above me here. Ant, I haven't anything more - but just want to reiterate - you are not alone in your feelings. I've experienced it - just as you describe. In the absence of a good counselor, let the books mentioned above - as well as others you may find - help you pull yourself up. One last thing that helps me - - is to try to do what a departed loved one would want me to do........which is to remember him or her fondly - but to be happy again as soon as possible. I'm betting your Mom would want the same for you.

    Best of everything to you.
  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Jan 25, 2010 3:08 PM GMT
    Ive tried reading....but I simply cannot settle.. I cant focus enough to read a book. Which isnt me as I am usually a voracious reader wtih several books on the go at once, most of them text books. I just feel utterly out of focus, with no focus, no goal, or motivation...

    That Manchester Bereavement Forum is now closed down, sadly. Lack of money. Im now on a waiting list to see a counsellor but I only get six sessions...one a month. My Doc has said one of the ways to get immediate therapy and counselling is to go to Accident and Emergency and say Ive tried to kill myself or self harm. Then they "have" to listen...it seems a bit extreme...but given the dark moods Ive been having I wouldnt have to lie......
  • HyannisGuy

    Posts: 24

    Jan 25, 2010 3:46 PM GMT
    I'm so sorry about your Mom's passing. She obviously loved you a great deal as she tried to spare you the agony and worry. She knew how much you loved here and still does (my personal feelings)

    I understand that you cannot get your mind around reading right now but you might try some online therapy. Here is a link that will get you started in your country. I honestly have no idea of costs but I think your health insurance will pay for it through your national health care program.

    http://www.findingdulcinea.com/news/health/2009/september/The-UK-Tackles-Depression-With-Online-Therapy.html#0

    It's very normal to have reactions such as you are having and what you are doing by reaching out to a community that you feel comfortable with is a great thing. Life deals us horrible blows and each one of us copeand manage that stress differently.

    Have you also thought about immersing yourself in some other activity like a local sports team. An activity like this, depending on how much time you have, might help to keep your mind focused on other things.

    No matter what you do, it appears that you have lots of virtual friends here and you know you can always continue the thread for support. Best of luck!
  • wander2340

    Posts: 176

    Jan 25, 2010 7:11 PM GMT
    My therapist friend said this is a DABDA situation and totally normal. Here is what Wikipedia says about it:

    1. Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
    Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind after death.[1]
    2. Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"
    Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.[1]
    3. Bargaining — "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
    The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time..."[1]
    4. Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
    During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect oneself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.[1]
    5. Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
    This final stage comes with peace and understanding of the death that is approaching. Generally, the person in the fifth stage will want to be left alone. Additionally, feelings and physical pain may be non-existent. This stage has also been described as the end of the dying struggle.[1]

    Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to people suffering from terminal illness, later to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). This may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one, divorce, drug addiction, an infertility diagnosis. Kübler-Ross claimed these steps do not necessarily come in the order noted above, nor are all steps experienced by all patients, though she stated a person will always experience at least two. Often, people will experience several stages in a "roller coaster" effect - switching between two or more stages, returning to one or more several times before working through it.[1]

    Significantly, people experiencing the stages should not force the process. The grief process is highly personal and should not be rushed, nor lengthened, on the basis of an individual's imposed time frame or opinion. One should merely be aware that the stages will be worked through and the ultimate stage of "Acceptance" will be reached.

    However, there are individuals that struggle with death until the end. Some psychologists believe that the harder a person fights death, the more likely they are to stay in the denial stage. If this is the case, it is possible the ill person will have more difficulty dying in a dignified way. Other psychologists state that not confronting death until the end is adaptive for some people.[1] Those who experience problems working through the stages should consider professional grief counseling or support groups.
  • wander2340

    Posts: 176

    Jan 25, 2010 7:12 PM GMT
    You can also get free counseling through a hospice group and most hospitals have grieving groups for free.
  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Jan 25, 2010 7:19 PM GMT
    Thanks for the post.

    Ive tried the hospice and hospital with the response that as Mom didn't die on "their patch" Ive got to go to where Mom died to get help. Rather than where I live.
  • training_guy

    Posts: 271

    Jan 25, 2010 7:32 PM GMT
    I work in mental health and it's disgusting how little therapeutic support there is out there for people. Most Doctors would sooner stick some one on anti-depressants sadly.....

    I feel your pain. All I can say is try and keep going, take one day at a time, keep as much structure to your days as possible and if you can do some form of exercise daily it will really help lift your mood......

    It's alo good to write your emtions down, a kind of outlet, they are probably all pent up and ready to burst, write a letter addressed to your Mum and describe how youare feeling and what you would say if she was here....

    I understand if money is a problem but if you could take a short break somewhere to see friends or something that would be good, it would help to have a change of scene.
  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Jan 25, 2010 7:45 PM GMT
    Yeah Ive had it suggested to me I write a letter to Mom....Ive tried but just cant get beyond "dear mom".

    Its like all these emotions are there inside, ready to explode...but Ive been keeping them in so long I cant let them out. because Im scared of them, because its become habit to keep them supressed so I can try and function, when I should really just let go.

    When I find myself crying I unconsiously stop....and I dont know why. I wish I could let it out and cry for my mom. It hurts not to be able to cry for her
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 25, 2010 8:12 PM GMT
    I am so sorry for your loss.

    You are definitely depressed. You are grieving, and this is natural. But it sounds like you are in the middle of the worst part.

    I have battled depression a few times in my life. I have felt the aching lethargy, the inability to concentrate and the hopelessness. You will get through it. No matter how dark things may FEEL…you WILL get through this.

    Depression feeds on inaction. The less you do, the more depressed you feel. It is good you are busy. It is bad if you are free and aimless AND depressed. As tough as it sounds: Get up and work out. Force yourself to the gym, at least get exercise. Even if you have to do jumping jacks in your house.

    I got a bit angry reading about your trouble finding counselors; Especially the “christian” counselors. That is heartbreaking. But I’m sure you will find better help elsewhere.

    To use a cliche: “Hang in there.” There will be a day when you look back on all of this and see how much strength you gained from this trial. Keep your chin up.

    BEAR HUG!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 26, 2010 4:02 AM GMT
    I'm so sorry that your mother died and that you are feeling so awful. It looks like you've received a lot of good advice to your posting already.

    I'll add just one thing: when I lived in the UK I worked as a counselor with The Samaritans. They are not there only for people who are thinking of killing themselves. They invite phone calls from anybody who is feeling overwhelmed and wants to talk to somebody. They are available 24/7, 365 days a year.

    The chapter of The Samaritans I worked at in London also offered a walk in face to face service for people who felt it would helpful to meet someone face to face. Also, most Samaritan offices have access to lists support groups and counseling resources.

    I encourage you to call them. It's free and completely confidential. Please also feel free to email me if you like.

    All the best

    David
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    Jan 26, 2010 4:42 AM GMT
    I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through...I can't imagine what it's like to lose a parent and that's a day I dread. I can't really add anything else to what anyone has said other than keep calling. Someone somewhere out there does care enough to hear your situation and give you an appropriate referral.

    In the meantime you may look to your community for a support/self help group. It's not the cure all, but you might gain some good perspectives from people who have been there.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 26, 2010 6:07 AM GMT
    *hugs*

    No advice though, since I've never been in a similar situation. icon_confused.gif
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Jan 26, 2010 6:25 AM GMT
    I recently lost my father, and did a lot of reading about that. Many children feel a sense of relief, after the grief. but feel guilty about feeling relieved that they're gone, especially if it was an abusive parent. You look,,.well let's just say, mMaybe you're not able to accept not having that overbearing pressence that was the whip hanging over you. Let it go.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 26, 2010 6:40 AM GMT
    This post destroyed me. I really don't have any advice or know where you should turn, but I sincerely hope something gives and you find the resources you need to help you through this. I'm no expert, but having gone through a depression of my own in the past, your feelings certainly sound similar to what I experienced. My heart goes out to you, big time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 26, 2010 7:00 AM GMT
    It's been said already but there has been a lot of great advice. I really hope you find something that helps.

    hope this can help: http://dying.about.com/od/copinglossofaparent/Coping_with_the_Loss_of_a_Parent_Dealing_with_the_Death_of_a_Parent.htm
    I have a friend, who I think of as family, lose their only parent, and it was difficult to watch from the outside not being able to do much other than just be there when I could. I wish you the best of luck, feel better Ant.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 27, 2010 1:44 AM GMT
    You are not alone my friend.
    I recently suffered a loss and if it had not been for my partner I…just don’t know.
    I commend you on trying to get help; please do not stop this quest.

    You are very intelligent man, as such you should know it does no good to regret not spending more time with her, you were fallowing her wishes.
    Don’t worry about not crying, I feel it is your brains way of protecting you from the pain—there will be a trigger and it will all come out—hopefully not at the grocer.

    Big hugs
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 27, 2010 3:53 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear you are having such a time. Just know we are with you.

    I lost my mother from cancer when I was 24. I was in law school at the time and it was very difficult and had a profound affect for a year.

    The reality is, you never had a chance to go throught the grieving process since you didn't know her condition and you just got the shock with her death. You do need to see and go through a counseling and grieving process with others. I hope you have either a bf or close friends that can help you along the way. You need to take a little time for yourself, you need it. Just know we are concerned here and understand.

    And what kind of employer doesn't let an employee off for their mother's funeral!!!!

    icon_mad.gif
  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Jan 27, 2010 4:22 PM GMT
    The kind of employer who totally messes up their Payroll, puts me on the wrong contract and has over paid me for two months who now want a cool grand back in cash. That kind of fucked up shit employer.

    Man, last night I was close to loosing it. Totally freaked/spazzed out and lost it.

    Ive got an appointment at long last to see a counsellor on Friday.

    My Doc saw me the other day and she says I am suffering from mental and physical exhaustiong bordering on chronic fatigue. I need to stop beofre I get ill, which is easier said than done. I jsut feel like Im standing on the edge of a massive precipice. That all that is ahead of me is some terrible dark place.....and I cant see a way out. Which scares the shit out of me.