Alert Levels Around The Globe

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 27, 2010 6:34 AM GMT
    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terroristthreats and have raised their security level from"Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yetagain to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." TheEnglish have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when teasupplies all but ran out. Terrorists have beenre-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last timethe British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warninglevel was during the great fire of 1666.

    The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's getthe Bastards" They don't have any other levels. Thisis the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British armyfor the last 300 years.

    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised itsterror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only twohigher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The risewas precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country'smilitary capability.

    It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudlyand excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levelsremain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "ChangeSides."

    The Germans also increased their alert state from "DisdainfulArrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling outof Brussels .

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glassbottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

    Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all oftheir allies, just in case.

    New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to"BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes andthe navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister'sbath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is"Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

    Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"to "She'll be right, mate". Two more escalationlevels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbiethis weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 27, 2010 6:39 AM GMT
    Only a little xenophobic and stereotypical.

    But to complete the joke it really needs something homophobic describing the ways The Gays are reacting to the terrorist threat. To be extra funny it would involve handbags, mincing about and Judy Garland.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 27, 2010 6:40 AM GMT
    we never cancel the BBQ.. to do so would be death!!