I'm going to be a horrible parent!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 27, 2010 1:56 PM GMT
    I am going to preface this with the idea that I do very much want to have children one day.

    So I think that I won't be able to deal with the stress and anxiety of having kids. I have a twin who has a 2 year old, he actually just turned 2 last week! This kid has become such a huge part of my life, but every time something stressful happens regarding him I tend to get extreme anxiety.

    Today for example I am practically pacing waiting to hear from my sister after they return home from the pediatric eye doctor. Unfortunately my nephew had a run in with another kid yesterday and has a pretty bad cut on his cornea. Although the doctors are very optimisitc that he will be just fine, I can't help but be very stressed and anxious about it. The poor little guy was in extreme pain and it tears me up inside to see him like that.

    So any of the parents out there, does this get better with time? When I have kids am I going to be a psycho crazy mom?



  • bijockmuscle

    Posts: 656

    Jan 27, 2010 1:58 PM GMT
    You are one of a set of twins and you are gay and your twin is str8? I assume you are not identical?
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    Jan 27, 2010 2:03 PM GMT
    HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Dude, you will be JUST fine! After a few more experiences with different kids and more experiences with your nephew, you'll relax a bit. I hope your nephew's ok.
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    Jan 27, 2010 2:10 PM GMT
    bijockmuscle saidYou are one of a set of twins and you are gay and your twin is str8? I assume you are not identical?


    good assumption - boy/girl twins can't be identical! If so, then one of us would have a SERIOUS problem!
  • bobrusso

    Posts: 18

    Jan 27, 2010 2:22 PM GMT
    5 adopted kids here. Kids will be kids. Broken bones happen. As a parent you can protect only so far. I jumped off the porch roof as a kid with no injuries. My sister jumps off of her swing on the up-swing and breaks her arm. You can worry and fret, but that just ends up being a waste of time. Teach them to be responsible for their actions and who they choose as their friends to play with. You never stop worrying, you just hope for the best. No matter how stupid their decision was to jump/throw something/try something new, if they get hurt, they only need to know your nurturing and compassion. I have worked at a Children's hospital in the past, and am thankful for my kids health. As long as they stay in their body-bubble-wrap and helmits, I have my peace. lol
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Jan 27, 2010 2:25 PM GMT
    danielryan saidI am going to preface this with the idea that I do very much want to have children one day.

    So I think that I won't be able to deal with the stress and anxiety of having kids. I have a twin who has a 2 year old, he actually just turned 2 last week! This kid has become such a huge part of my life, but every time something stressful happens regarding him I tend to get extreme anxiety.

    Today for example I am practically pacing waiting to hear from my sister after they return home from the pediatric eye doctor. Unfortunately my nephew had a run in with another kid yesterday and has a pretty bad cut on his cornea. Although the doctors are very optimisitc that he will be just fine, I can't help but be very stressed and anxious about it. The poor little guy was in extreme pain and it tears me up inside to see him like that.

    So any of the parents out there, does this get better with time? When I have kids am I going to be a psycho crazy mom?







    Just based on your posts that I've read, and your profile, you seem like a really great guy and I'm betting you will also be a great parent one day. I don't have kids, but I know many who do, and they all say the same thing -- when it's your kid, you rise to the occasion and do anything and everything humanly possible to protect them. Not like there are not awful parents out there, but I don't think you'll be one of them.
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    Jan 27, 2010 2:26 PM GMT
    Yea I hope your nephew recovers quickly.
    I don't know if I can answer your question helpfully. My sons' (also twins) mother was the worrier - what a pain in the ass she turned out to be! Her behavior was so extreme that I constantly had to compensate for it. Because of her tragic outlook and control issues, we lived in constant upheaval. Every fucking thing was an "issue" - Now my sons can't wait to get away from her. I doubt if you are as anxious as she is. If you think you might be, I'd honestly look at other aspects of you're life to see if you need to do anything to get ready for fatherhood.
    I've read some of your posts and you seem to be a nice, stable guy. I assume your relationships are ok. We all make mistakes as dads, then we try to correct them and make up for them. Our parents did it to us and our children will do it to our grandkids when they have their turn.
    Also, you'll be surprised how much intuition kicks in when you're actually doing it everyday. Good Luck
  • darryaz

    Posts: 186

    Jan 27, 2010 3:09 PM GMT
    Two is a tough age because they're still pretty small. But they're tougher than you think at that age and bounce back fast.

    After a while you figure out that the last few injuries didn't slow them down so any new potential ones won't either.

    When my son was small I felt the same way you do, but after several trips to the ER I learned to stay calm. He's 19 now - I must've done something right.
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    Jan 27, 2010 4:23 PM GMT
    You'll be a great parent.

    I call my sister-in-law everyday to see how my nephew slept the night before. "Did he sleep through the night?"
    "No, but he only woke up twice"
    "OMG WHY?!?!?!?!"

    Your story is great.
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    Jan 27, 2010 4:31 PM GMT

    As the father of two kids - a ten-year old daughter and a 12 year old son - I think I can relate to your question. The short answer: anxiety and concern and empathic suffering are, I think, essential and normal experiences for parents (or closely connected uncles!). The trick is not to let those feelings interfere with letting your children develop senses of independent existence, competence, risk assessment and resilience in the face of setbacks (including bumps, bruises and maybe a trip to the ER).

    Bobrusso's comment brought a smile to my face as over the past year or two I have teased my son (who is an avid martial arts fan and sometimes competitor) and my daughter who is a talented and all but fearless equestrian competitor, by saying I am going to wrap them in bubble wrap before competitions or cut holes for the arms, legs and head in our Foof and make them wear it. (In case you don't know what a Foof is: it's a 7ft x 5ft x 3ft microsuede 'beanbag' chair stiffed with soft foam instead of styrofoam beans.)

    The truth is that, since children were very young, I figured out that one of the gifts I could pass on to them was allowing them to explore the world around them, to take measured risks, to let them know the thrill of mastery and that setbacks, dings, bumps, frustrations, etc are survivable. That doesn't mean that I push them in directions they don't want to move in or that I am reckless. When he was five my son wanted to join me in SCUBA diving, so I found an instructor who uses equipment that let him breath bottled air and swim above me and my dive buddies, but not descend below the surface. Later this year I will join him in his PADI open water certification class. My daughter, on the other hand, can not get comfortable with even a snorkel so we will leave that for a while with her.

    One of my rules of guides for when I step in and and redirect or stop the kids is to think of learning to fly a plane. A good instructor will let his student make mistake - unless the mistake is going to cause serious risk of a crash.

    Recently my son was hospitalized for three weeks to treat a life threatening medical condition. (He's well again now.) While he was in the hospital, not a day went by when I didn't pray for the impossible: that I could take his illness away from him and bear it myself. Luckily every day I was able to remind myself that the universe doesn't work that way. What I can do is to be at his side, to reassure him, to teach him that it's ok to scared and confused and angry, to get him the best care there is and help his team in every way I know how, etc.

    I believe it was the Marines who took the tag line that I think best describes parenting: the toughest job you'll ever love.


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    Jan 27, 2010 4:37 PM GMT
    On the contrary, I think you will be a great parent.
  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Jan 27, 2010 5:29 PM GMT
    bijockmuscle saidYou are one of a set of twins and you are gay and your twin is str8? I assume you are not identical?


    Im an Identical Twin but I am gay and my brother straight!
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    Jan 27, 2010 5:53 PM GMT
    SAHEM62896 saidOn the contrary, I think you will be a great parent.
    I have to agree with Sahem. You're not a psycho, you're caring! That's a big difference. Parents need that kind of skill. After a while the degree of anxiety will lessen and you'll learn when seriousness trumps routine issues. Anxiety comes into play when you have to deal with major heath issues or death. I had a nurse one time told me that the staff at a local hospital was so happy when my ex and I came to see my son because there were two types of parents with sick kids, those who fought and couldn't handle it and those who worked together and got through it. We were the latter and we (and my son) overcame the odds and made it through.

    It's OK to have some anxiety. If you didn't then I'd say you need to reconsider having kids.
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    Jan 27, 2010 7:45 PM GMT
    Rowing_Ant said
    bijockmuscle saidYou are one of a set of twins and you are gay and your twin is str8? I assume you are not identical?


    Im an Identical Twin but I am gay and my brother straight!



    There is no contradiction here. There are many, many instances of genetics not being deterministic. A major reason for this, among others, is the importance of epigenetics:


    http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1951968,00.html