The "other" man

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 28, 2010 9:23 AM GMT
    So this guy I'd been talking to online for the past 5 years recently revealed to me that he has had a bf of ten years. He knew I was seeing someone when we began talking, but felt the need to lie about his relationship for whatever reasons. There was a period of one year where me and my ex-bf broke up and me and this coward got closer. To the point where he felt it neccessary to tell me he "loved" me. I never said it back because I had been in this situation before where a guy I got close with for a couple of years ends up telling me that he had been in a 3 year relationship that had been sex-less for two years. At this point, I'm pretty jaded when it comes to men so this confession was no shock....just dissapointing and sad. Being "the other man" is never fun....ever. To give you an example of this coward's stupidity and rationale, I've copy and pasted part of the email he sent me.


    hi,

    i am very sorry if i hurt you
    this was never my intention !
    i will respect yr decision, that you do not talk to me anymore
    so i shall never contact you again unless you need me to
    but i feel that i owe you some kind of an explanation
    its true i love my boyfriend
    i have not had sex with him for 2 years ( or maybe even more )

    you see even though one is in a relationship, one can be very alone
    beleive me pls....i am not a bad person
    i just do not know what to do
    i can not hurt my boyfriend, i just cannot

    anyway maybe this is not of yr concern, it is basically my problem
    i want you to know i never lied to you about anything i told you
    i just did not tell you i am not alone, and my real name is edwin and that is bad, i know !
    i do love you, maybe not in a correct way
    and i apologise


    In retrospect it's pretty hilarious to me. Dude wasn't even man enough to tell me his real name...for 5 YEARS! And his poor, unsuspecting partner has no clue! Pretty sad. It goes without saying, he's dead to me now.

    So I have a couple questions..

    1. What are the warning signs to know if you're dealing with a cheater?
    2. Is there really a such thing as a "sexless" loving relationship? Cause I think the idea is pure bull.


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    Jan 28, 2010 11:00 AM GMT
    Kranks said

    So I have a couple questions..

    1. What are the warning signs to know if you're dealing with a cheater?
    2. Is there really a such thing as a "sexless" loving relationship? Cause I think the idea is pure bull.



    My answer to question 1 is that it's just not that easy, especially when you only talk to someone online, but I have learned to trust my instincts whenever someone says anything that doesn't ring quite true. I have become very good at spotting inconsistencies in things people say. A good memory helps. My red flags include pity plays, any kind of secretive behaviour, and flattery (the occasional nice comment doesn't go amiss but once it gets past a certain point I start wondering if there are ulterior motives). Declarations of love from people I've never met in person (not that I get them often) are out.

    As for #2, I'm inclined to agree with you. My ex told me he didn't want sex any more, never really gave a straightforward reason but insisted he still loved me. And what happened in the end? I found out he was not only seeing other guys, but also planning to con me out of a large amount of money so I got out of there fast. Okay, maybe there are situations where there might be good reasons, but if that ever happens to me again I will assume the worst and wait until proven otherwise.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jan 28, 2010 12:19 PM GMT
    I have one question

    Why were you so willing to put SO much stock into an ONLINE relationship where you yourself admitted you didn't even know the guy's name?

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    Jan 28, 2010 12:56 PM GMT
    Wow, have been lied to online, but usually been lucky enough to spot it well in time before I get hurt. The biggest way to catch is, try to meet up the person sometime and if he is making excuses every time no matter how genuine they sound, run dude.
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    Jan 28, 2010 3:12 PM GMT
    Kranks saidSo this guy I'd been talking to online for the past 5 years recently revealed to me that he has had a bf of ten years....



    Oh stop being such a judgmental drama queen! icon_rolleyes.gif

    It is not as if you were lovers. You chatted online. White lies get told in the beginning and later are difficult to correct.

    Life is not black and white.

    He doesn't sound like such a bad person to me.

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    Jan 28, 2010 3:28 PM GMT
    I've heard of cyber sex, but I've never heard of cyber cheating. New concept to me. An online-only relationship isn't a romance. From what you wrote, I don't really consider you the "other" man. You were duped for five years by somebody on the other end of the fiber optic cable. For all you knew, he could have been 85 years old and in a nursing home, to be honest.

    All that said, yea he's a jerk. icon_neutral.gif
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    Jan 28, 2010 5:44 PM GMT
    GQjock saidI have one question

    Why were you so willing to put SO much stock into an ONLINE relationship where you yourself admitted you didn't even know the guy's name?



    Who said I put ANY stock into it. As I said earlier, I never made any declarations of love and I always saw it for what it was...an online chat "friendship" or whatever the correct term is. This is why I can laugh about the situation. I just dont think it's cool to go online and chat up other men if you're in a ten year, commited relationship. If he was my partner and I found out he was telling some guy online "I love you", I'd leave his ass after I tossed his laptop in the shower.
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    Jan 28, 2010 5:48 PM GMT
    viveutvivas said
    Kranks saidSo this guy I'd been talking to online for the past 5 years recently revealed to me that he has had a bf of ten years....



    Oh stop being such a judgmental drama queen! icon_rolleyes.gif

    It is not as if you were lovers. You chatted online. White lies get told in the beginning and later are difficult to correct.

    Life is not black and white.

    He doesn't sound like such a bad person to me.




    Hmmmm, I think I'm getting better at this cause I just spotted 5 warning signs in your reply that let me know you're just as cowardly as he is. Never said we were lovers, but it's not okay to lie to people regardless of whether or not you're romantically involved. "Judgemental"?....lmao.
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    Jan 28, 2010 6:18 PM GMT
    Kranks said
    2. Is there really a such thing as a "sexless" loving relationship? Cause I think the idea is pure bull.




    I can only comment on my own situation. The sex in my relationship stopped after 6 years (we lasted 10)... and I can't remember exactly why it happened. I think it happened when he went on anti depressants. We had been through so much together ie; opening a business, buying and remodeling a condo, health issues, his depression, additions to my extended family, parents death, etc., and stress eventually replaced romance. It didn't replace love, but it definitely transformed our relationship. He was the first person I thought of when something good or bad happened in my life, and we could read each others faces in a second, but we were more like a family than lovers.

    I broke up with him 2 Septembers ago, after thinking long and hard about it for years. I can honestly say that I still love him, and I often feel as though I failed him, but we are still best friends. I would do anything for him as he would do for me. I can't explain how our intense emotional intimacy didn't translate into sexual intimacy, but it just didn't.

    Relationships are complicated, it's best to reserve judgement for your own behavior and your own relationships, instead of trying to understand what you never can between two other people.
  • PipHop

    Posts: 439

    Jan 28, 2010 6:28 PM GMT
    An online 5yr...what? Emotional relationship? Did you two ever meet in person? You obviously were both into it a bit to be this distraught. During any of this time, have you had any romantic interests in the real world? Where does he live, that you two could never meet?
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    Jan 29, 2010 2:04 PM GMT
    Man, I been here before...talked about it ad nauseam on these very forums, LOL...It wasn't an online relationship since I had known him through work for 3 years...And It didn't take 5 years for me to find out though...Only took 3 in my case. But it was still pretty upsetting...

    And I got the SAME bs from my guy: He said "I never lied to you", "You can be in a relationship and still be very alone", "I haven't had sex with him in a long time", etc

    I was feeling the guy so I let him "game" me awhile longer as he "decided what he was gonna do." I wasn't upset so much that he was already in a relationship. It's not my responsibility to keep anyone's relationship intact, its theirs. I was more upset that he felt the need to lie by omission.

    Ultimately I decided to move on. Since then I found out that they finally broke up, the boyfriend's decision apparently. I got out of that situation pretty much unscathed, but I now feel like I've "taken the RED pill" and can see the Matrix now.

    As for your questions:

    1. Warning Signs:

    He will only text or email you
    If you call, his phone goes to voicemail often
    He can only call or meet when it's convenient for him
    He vanishes for periods at a time
    Even when you are with him, he texts often or gets calls he has to step away for
    You catch inconsistencies aka he lies a lot

    2. Sexless Relationship:

    Never "fully" been in a relationship with a guy so I can't really comment personally on this one. But I have talked to guys who have told me they were in that situation. But all of them said that when it happened, that was the beginning of the end of their relationship.