Afraid to initiate contact...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 29, 2010 9:09 PM GMT
    Hello all,

    Im currently a junior in college and have been out for two years. I used to be (or at least I perceived myself to be) unattractive, but after my study abroad experience this fall I lost weight and gained a bit of muscle, while also looking older (I'm 5'4 and have always looked young.) While I am really happy with my new appearance, and have been far more social than I was, I still have a lot of trouble initiating contact with guys I find attractive.

    I've only kissed 3 boys, all initiated by the other guy, and had one sexual experience since I came out, and long story short I liked him but he only used me for sex. Im not scarred from that, its just that whenever I see a cute guy I know is available I freeze up and get really nervous. I automatically think that they're too hot for me and would have no interest, so I just admire from afar so I don't get rejected. I'd really like to experience intimacy with another man and even get a boyfriend, but Im so deathly afraid of talking to and asking out guys I just cant see myself overcoming this. Has anyone gone through something like this/have any advice on how to conquer my fears/a good way to talk to guys I like? Sorry for the wall of text, but I really look forward to replies.
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    Jan 30, 2010 1:16 AM GMT
    same with me except i think im attractive and im not thaaat old. i juts freeze up and get nervous too. icon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2010 4:07 AM GMT
    Shakespeare wroteAll the world's a stage,
    And all the men and women merely players;
    They have their exits and their entrances...


    Carry another cap or hat with you, literally or figuratively, and step outside your "usual self," approach the man and compliment him on something or other.

    What's wrong with that? That's not only not difficult but an enjoyable pursuit all by itself.

    (Better yet, add a smile and/or a wink to that compliment and maybe strike up a conversation about...)

    BTW, I think that you are really cool looking...
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    Jan 30, 2010 4:10 AM GMT
    Nukie saidHello all,

    Im currently a junior in college and have been out for two years. I used to be (or at least I perceived myself to be) unattractive, but after my study abroad experience this fall I lost weight and gained a bit of muscle, while also looking older (I'm 5'4 and have always looked young.) While I am really happy with my new appearance, and have been far more social than I was, I still have a lot of trouble initiating contact with guys I find attractive.

    I've only kissed 3 boys, all initiated by the other guy, and had one sexual experience since I came out, and long story short I liked him but he only used me for sex. Im not scarred from that, its just that whenever I see a cute guy I know is available I freeze up and get really nervous. I automatically think that they're too hot for me and would have no interest, so I just admire from afar so I don't get rejected. I'd really like to experience intimacy with another man and even get a boyfriend, but Im so deathly afraid of talking to and asking out guys I just cant see myself overcoming this. Has anyone gone through something like this/have any advice on how to conquer my fears/a good way to talk to guys I like? Sorry for the wall of text, but I really look forward to replies.


    Wow you seem like a nice guy and welcome to RJ. i feel the same as you. Many times I dont feel like i can get the guys i like, but that is something we have to try to get rid of. I think about how many sexy guys i have passed up because of this...
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    Jan 30, 2010 4:19 AM GMT
    ive been going through this all my life. It has to do with being a skinny lanky kid in high school....and being teased. So im more the reserved guy. Plus im too shy lol. And i always think im not attractive enough.to the point where i work out everyday to try and prove myself wrong. If i go out with friends im always surrounded by six other of my buds....and im never alone in those settings so i never get approached or get the drive to talk to guys.
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    Jan 30, 2010 4:29 AM GMT
    It requires a little social bravery. Maybe you'll have to set yourself concrete goals, like making sure you introduce yourself to at least two people every week that you find attractive. It depends on how structured you want to be.

    Myself, I find I just forget I'm supposed to be motivated. I kind of look at someone, go "hmm - he's attractive", and then get distracted by a good topic of conversation. I am the worst gay man ever.
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    Jan 30, 2010 4:45 AM GMT
    The fear of rejection after undergoing an extreme physical change is something that I've struggled with as well because I didn't change psychologically. As a result, I've kind of lived my life in fear of rejection so I've slipped into a mode of shutting down around guys I like simply because it's a comfortable defense mechanism. So my advice is to do the opposite of what I've done and go for it while you're young so you won't be a complete and total social retard around people when you're 30.
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    Jan 30, 2010 6:23 AM GMT
    abelian0 saidIt requires a little social bravery. Maybe you'll have to set yourself concrete goals, like making sure you introduce yourself to at least two people every week that you find attractive. It depends on how structured you want to be.

    Myself, I find I just forget I'm supposed to be motivated. I kind of look at someone, go "hmm - he's attractive", and then get distracted by a good topic of conversation. I am the worst gay man ever.


    LOL I love it!!
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Jan 30, 2010 6:51 AM GMT
    abelian0 saidIt requires a little social bravery. Maybe you'll have to set yourself concrete goals, like making sure you introduce yourself to at least two people every week that you find attractive. It depends on how structured you want to be.

    Myself, I find I just forget I'm supposed to be motivated. I kind of look at someone, go "hmm - he's attractive", and then get distracted by a good topic of conversation. I am the worst gay man ever.


    that makes two of us. I will notice an attractive guy and then think to myself that it's rude to: 1) assume that since I find him attractive that he is gay and would be attracted to me, 2) sit, in a public setting, and stare at a complete stranger.
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    Jan 30, 2010 6:55 AM GMT
    Liquid courage does the trick ;)
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    Jan 30, 2010 7:16 AM GMT
    Nukie saidHello all,

    Im currently a junior in college and have been out for two years. I used to be (or at least I perceived myself to be) unattractive, but after my study abroad experience this fall I lost weight and gained a bit of muscle, while also looking older (I'm 5'4 and have always looked young.) While I am really happy with my new appearance, and have been far more social than I was, I still have a lot of trouble initiating contact with guys I find attractive.

    I've only kissed 3 boys, all initiated by the other guy, and had one sexual experience since I came out, and long story short I liked him but he only used me for sex. Im not scarred from that, its just that whenever I see a cute guy I know is available I freeze up and get really nervous. I automatically think that they're too hot for me and would have no interest, so I just admire from afar so I don't get rejected. I'd really like to experience intimacy with another man and even get a boyfriend, but Im so deathly afraid of talking to and asking out guys I just cant see myself overcoming this. Has anyone gone through something like this/have any advice on how to conquer my fears/a good way to talk to guys I like? Sorry for the wall of text, but I really look forward to replies.


    Here's a rule you should learn fast:
    Anything worth doing should be worth doing well, whether it is a profile and pictures on Real Jock, going to class, a job, lifting weights, or being queer.

    Since you're in hiding here, and have neglected pictures and a profile, it's likely you are still ashamed, or lazy, or paranoid, or delusional, or any permutation of the aforementioned. Whatever the case, you need a change in your routine, permission to like yourself, and courage to get going on your life. To use the over-used saying, "Just Do it."

    Make a plan for success.
    E.g., meet one stranger a week; make one friend a week; ask one person out a week; admit who you are every week. Execute the plan. Increase your goals. Repeat. Soon, you'll be well on your way to a change.

    If I'm fatter than I want, I make a plan for not being fat. I execute it. I get non-fat.

    It's that simple. Nothing special. Simply a choice to make change. Simply a choice to achieve a goal.

    I didn't always look like I do now. I lifted weighted for 34 years with a set of various goals, plans, persistence, patience, and execution. A Real Jock understands the value of going into, through, and above, his comfort zone. You have to learn that. When you do, you'll no longer be cowering in your tracks, but, confident, able, proud, and meeting with a level of success that you are wishing for. Take charge. "Get 'er done."
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    Jan 30, 2010 9:46 PM GMT
    chuckystud said


    Here's a rule you should learn fast:
    Anything worth doing should be worth doing well, whether it is a profile and pictures on Real Jock, going to class, a job, lifting weights, or being queer.

    Since you're in hiding here, and have neglected pictures and a profile, it's likely you are still ashamed, or lazy, or paranoid, or delusional, or any permutation of the aforementioned. Whatever the case, you need a change in your routine, permission to like yourself, and courage to get going on your life. To use the over-used saying, "Just Do it."...

    "Get 'er done."


    To be fair, our new friend Nukie just joined RJ on Jan 22 of this year. Perhaps he doesn't have a lot of photos of himself or hasn't had time to hone a profile yet..

    "Give him some slack."

    Otherwise, Cheekystud, well said!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 31, 2010 3:33 PM GMT
    It doesn't take 9 days to complete a profile, and, in 2010, everyone has a cell phone with a camera. He's lazy, frightened, or dumb, any combination of the aforementioned. All require remedy to advance.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 31, 2010 4:00 PM GMT
    First off. welcome to RJ!

    Secondly, it's just young anxiety! You WILL get over it as long as you push yourself out of your comfort zone. Like what was stated earlier, set some "goals" for each day/week/month to meet someone new and before you know it, you'll be hob nobbin it with those "attractive" guys!
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    Feb 01, 2010 4:09 AM GMT
    i tought i was the only one who was so shy to talk to guys i find atractive...but how can i know they aregay >_>, and more in the county i live....and, noone had aproach to me anywais...sometimes i think i am that ugly o.o
  • ChilaxinJOCK0...

    Posts: 1513

    Feb 01, 2010 4:19 AM GMT
    chuckystud saidIt doesn't take 9 days to complete a profile, and, in 2010, everyone has a cell phone with a camera. He's lazy, frightened, or dumb, any combination of the aforementioned. All require remedy to advance.


    damn. u dont hold back...I liked the advice tho. "Just Do It'' is so overused but its seriously the best saying. I love it
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Feb 01, 2010 5:00 AM GMT
    I think everyone is like this to some extent. I get extremely nervous around attractive men. There is a guy at my gym who I have had months of awkward eye contact, whether I'm catching him looking or (usually) vice versa. And yet, I'm just too overwhelmed by his good looks.

    I'm confident I'll get over the nerves, and so will you. Alcohol is a nice crutch for the time being, but you don't want to become dependent on that to make a move. Just be patient, that's what I'm doing.
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    Feb 01, 2010 4:41 PM GMT
    i see xD, i work at the GYM now...but there is noone i really like hahah, but noone look me neather, i am very confidence too. I dont think people think i am gay...is that bad? or bad and good? or what....i love men...i am shure of that..i had never been with a man before...i am so sad i cant hug someone or, give advice as a friend, you know, with a friend i have, not for sex, just a awesome relationship as friend i can start letting out my feelings to a person =/, but is hard...oh well, thats called a gay friend...i dotn have any neather......
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    Feb 01, 2010 5:37 PM GMT
    Yeah, just for an experiment, one day you should try to go to a gay friendly place and practice approaching a few guys. Gay bars or clubs are good for this, a place with a lot of people. This is how I built up my confidence. After awhile you get more numb to the fear of rejection.

    The problem I have now are the single guys that go to the club or house parties with their "best friend" and they stand next to each other all night long. When I see this, I just assume that they are boyfriends and get afraid to approach.

    Lesson to guys: That friend you bring along for support may just be keeping you from getting a guy...LOL
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    Feb 02, 2010 12:25 AM GMT
    Thank you everyone so much for the replies. I really appreciate the advice. And to Chuck, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" is all I'll say. But I appreciate the advice.

    I took the advice of all of you, and talked to a guy I was interested in at a party this saturday. Unfortunately by the time he got there I was a little bit more intoxicated than I would have liked, but it did give me the courage to talk to him. By this time, he already had his coat on. I introduced myself and said "Oh, are you leaving?" The details are blurry, but he mentioned his house was right across the street (on campus housing.) I mentioned I couldn't process that right now (stupid, right?) but that I look forward to seeing him again. If I see him around campus, I was thinking of asking him out on a date. Would this be "acceptable?" What's a good way to not be awkward about this?
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    Feb 02, 2010 4:49 PM GMT
    Nukie saidThank you everyone so much for the replies. I really appreciate the advice. And to Chuck, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" is all I'll say. But I appreciate the advice.

    I took the advice of all of you, and talked to a guy I was interested in at a party this saturday. Unfortunately by the time he got there I was a little bit more intoxicated than I would have liked, but it did give me the courage to talk to him. By this time, he already had his coat on. I introduced myself and said "Oh, are you leaving?" The details are blurry, but he mentioned his house was right across the street (on campus housing.) I mentioned I couldn't process that right now (stupid, right?) but that I look forward to seeing him again. If I see him around campus, I was thinking of asking him out on a date. Would this be "acceptable?" What's a good way to not be awkward about this?


    And, the profile and pictures STILL aren't done, and you didn't take any real action. Next case. You don't take advice. You'd rather cry. Ya' big baby. Some folks enjoy drama, and misery, and live their lives that way. Sucks to be you.
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    Feb 03, 2010 1:14 AM GMT
    Wahahaha. How old are you? Aren't you a bit too old for immature trolling? I did have a good laugh, though.

    Anyone want to actually contribute?
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    Feb 03, 2010 1:26 AM GMT
    Shyness is very endearing and kind of sexy and its not a bad way to be....unless you totally freak out and start trembling or sweating. If its that serious, you need some counseling assistance and/or make a plan to gradually get over it. There's been some good suggestions already put forth here.

    I'm a bit shy myself but people are usually just as hesitant about approaching someone. They appreciate the effort. I like when a guy is a little shy and not "polished" I sincerely am attracted to those kinds because I feel more comfortable being on the same level. Problem for me is that I look like one of those polished ones but feel differently inside. I force myself and usually I'm very surprised in a good way.
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Feb 03, 2010 1:47 AM GMT
    If he thinks he is too hot for you, then he wasn't the guy for you. The worst that can happen is you end up exactly where you are now. I'm shy myself, but if you learn to fake it eventually you do it naturally.
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    Feb 21, 2010 8:55 PM GMT
    I think you're cute, and if you're willing to strike up conversations with people, that you will be able to have more dates and intimate contacts. Having friends introduce you to others helps a lot. Ask them to introduce you to their friends, that you want to expand your social circle.

    You live in Philly. I've been there, and there are lots of gay venues and clubs and sports stuff to go to to meet guys with similiar interests as you. You could always try that too.