Settling for Mr. Good Enough

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    Jan 30, 2010 7:21 AM GMT
    A woman giving advice about finding guys, but I thought it was relevant and worthwhile listening for us gay boys too.

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    Jan 30, 2010 9:35 AM GMT
    She´s just inviting realism: something that shouldn´t need to be said, but sadly is.

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    Jan 30, 2010 3:04 PM GMT
    Amazing... in RJ's threads we are always discussing the ideal partner, but no one is making lists of what they're willing to tolerate. For me:

    1. Tolerable looks: shortness, being slightly overweight, having a little belly or a bit of baldness. Intolerable looks: thin body, thin eyes, thin nose, angular face.

    2. Tolerable character: laziness, unfaithfulness, stubbornness, rudeness, shyness. Intolerable character: effeminacy, dishonesty, religious zealotry, apathy, excessive intellectual incompatibility.

    Note that I'm not implying that what I find intolerable is bad, it's just my taste.
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    Jan 30, 2010 3:18 PM GMT
    i think that becoming more open-minded and tolerant (ie, not keeping lists of qualities that you can and cannot tolerate) ultimately enables you to find the right person for you. once i grew out of that phase in my life i found my ideal match. no settling necessary.
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    Jan 30, 2010 4:42 PM GMT
    bachian saidAmazing... in RJ's threads we are always discussing the ideal partner, but no one is making lists of what they're willing to tolerate. For me:

    1. Tolerable looks: shortness, being slightly overweight, having a little belly or a bit of baldness. Intolerable looks: thin body, thin eyes, thin nose, angular face.

    2. Tolerable character: laziness, unfaithfulness, stubbornness, rudeness, shyness. Intolerable character: effeminacy, dishonesty, religious zealotry, apathy, excessive intellectual incompatibility.

    Note that I'm not implying that what I find intolerable is bad, it's just my taste.


    Not judging, but unfaithfulness is tolerable and dishonestly isn't? Don't those tend to go hand in hand?
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    Jan 30, 2010 4:43 PM GMT
    Perfection is boring.
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    Jan 30, 2010 4:51 PM GMT
    Dan Savage said this a long time ago. The idea that there is only one perfect match out there for someone is stupid. It is the people that make it work.
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    Jan 30, 2010 4:55 PM GMT
    Have you ever noticed how often people mention red flags and deal breakers but never green flags and deal makers? How many green flags can turn a red flag yellow?
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    Jan 30, 2010 4:56 PM GMT
    My momma taught me that "you get exactly what you settle for".

    It makes me wonder about my partner's low standards.
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    Jan 30, 2010 5:07 PM GMT
    Pinny saidDan Savage said this a long time ago. The idea that there is only one perfect match out there for someone is stupid. It is the people that make it work.


    Ditto!
  • drypin

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    Jan 30, 2010 5:20 PM GMT
    Thanks for posting that iguana! A refreshing perspective to say the least.
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    Jan 30, 2010 5:39 PM GMT
    isaidwhat said
    bachian saidAmazing... in RJ's threads we are always discussing the ideal partner, but no one is making lists of what they're willing to tolerate. For me:

    1. Tolerable looks: shortness, being slightly overweight, having a little belly or a bit of baldness. Intolerable looks: thin body, thin eyes, thin nose, angular face.

    2. Tolerable character: laziness, unfaithfulness, stubbornness, rudeness, shyness. Intolerable character: effeminacy, dishonesty, religious zealotry, apathy, excessive intellectual incompatibility.

    Note that I'm not implying that what I find intolerable is bad, it's just my taste.


    Not judging, but unfaithfulness is tolerable and dishonestly isn't? Don't those tend to go hand in hand?


    Have you ever heard of open relationships?
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    Jan 30, 2010 5:50 PM GMT
    tallhairy saidi think that becoming more open-minded and tolerant (ie, not keeping lists of qualities that you can and cannot tolerate) ultimately enables you to find the right person for you. once i grew out of that phase in my life i found my ideal match. no settling necessary.


    Now I'm confused: in your statement, what is the difference between having an open mind and not knowing what you want?
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    Jan 30, 2010 6:01 PM GMT
    bachian said
    tallhairy saidi think that becoming more open-minded and tolerant (ie, not keeping lists of qualities that you can and cannot tolerate) ultimately enables you to find the right person for you. once i grew out of that phase in my life i found my ideal match. no settling necessary.


    Now I'm confused: in your statement, what is the difference between having an open mind and not knowing what you want?


    there's a difference between having some general concept of what you want in a relationship and having a checklist of deal-makers and deal-breakers.

    and p.s... a person can be unfaithful in an open relationship. they are far from mutually exclusive.
  • nv7_

    Posts: 1453

    Jan 30, 2010 6:25 PM GMT
    Being human is no longer acceptable and/or desirable. icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Jan 30, 2010 6:43 PM GMT
    bachian said
    1. Tolerable looks...a bit of baldness. Intolerable looks...angular face.

    2. Tolerable character...unfaithfulness. Intolerable character...effeminacy.


    "To each his own." "That's why they make Fords and Chevys."
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    Jan 30, 2010 6:46 PM GMT
    Settling….
    Two of my female friends asked me the same thing about their boyfriends before they got married.
    “Am I settling?”
    My friends did the exact same thing. The whole “Prince Charming” myth has effed with so many people’s heads. I blame Disney and Jane Austen! But what this woman is saying could have come out of the mouth of Lizzy Bennett. Pride and prejudices. Misperceptions and preconceptions ruin everything.

    There is no such thing as a perfect person. Only two individuals wanting to share their lives together.

    My ex and I were together for 11 years. He didn’t read much. He didn’t appreciate art, history or style. I couldn’t care less for his roller coaster obsession. I was sloppy to his anal retentive neatness.

    There is no person in the world who understands me better; Not even my parents. When he was doing poorly, I was there for him. When I was struggling, he was there for me.

    A relationship starts with trust, communication, listening and compromise. We “interviewed" each other for months before we decided to move in together, to see where we stood on issues. I had to accept the fact that some of my desires would not get satisfied with him. I just went to the museum and discussed ideas with other friends.

    One thing that balanced me was his straight forward common sense. I would look at any given situation or person through a microscope, analyzing things to death, wanting to understand it completely. He would lay it all out in one or two sentences. Simple and direct.

    My point is: I would have lived the last eleven years of my life alone, If I were looking for “Prince Charming.” I met a guy with some similarities, some differences and grew from our shared life. I hurt for it not being there anymore, but it was what it was. I don’t regret jumping in the deep end of chance.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jan 30, 2010 7:06 PM GMT
    I'm still very much a pollyanna. Although I have my own tastes and preferences, the guy that I eventually will be with might be somewhat close to the mark, but I will realize that his attributes are actually what I was really looking for all along. This has happened to me before, and it might be because I still retain a bit of naiveté regarding life and love, while also retaining a bit of that wonder regarding all of it.

    So the next guy I actually commit to will be able to go to sleep every night knowing he is the guy I wished for, and not some clod I settled for.
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    Jan 30, 2010 10:35 PM GMT
    Well it is completely true, what she said. Still knowing that, can we really force ourselves to change or should we wait to grow up from our own experiences.
  • dannyboy1101

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    Jan 30, 2010 10:37 PM GMT
    bachian saidAmazing... in RJ's threads we are always discussing the ideal partner, but no one is making lists of what they're willing to tolerate. For me:

    1. Tolerable looks: shortness, being slightly overweight, having a little belly or a bit of baldness. Intolerable looks: thin body, thin eyes, thin nose, angular face.

    2. Tolerable character: laziness, unfaithfulness, stubbornness, rudeness, shyness. Intolerable character: effeminacy, dishonesty, religious zealotry, apathy, excessive intellectual incompatibility.

    Note that I'm not implying that what I find intolerable is bad, it's just my taste.


    Our eyes can be too thin? Do they cry instead of puke every time after they eat?
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    Jan 31, 2010 12:10 AM GMT
    Well, I wasn't looking for Mr. Perfect. I was looking for someone who I could grow old with. This naturally meant that we would share certain interests so that we could talk about them, and share them together. And have mutual respect for each other. I didn't have a list. The only thing I ever said was that if there was ever ANY hint of violence, I was gone. That's the only line in the sand that I've ever drawn. And it's worked out great. There's certain things that I do that irritates him, and there's things that he does that irritates me. I didn't settle, but I didn't look for perfection either. And I'm quite happy.
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    Jan 31, 2010 12:17 AM GMT
    Wait am I the only one who can't see the video?
  • Hunter9

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    Jan 31, 2010 12:22 AM GMT
    in my perpetual struggle in trying to find somebody i would like to be with, ive pretty much cut the criteria down to a bare minimum: someone im attracted to and somebody i enjoy spending time with (i.e. they are interesting to be around). anything else is just gravy. of course, im still single, so perhaps i need to trim even further??
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    Jan 31, 2010 12:25 AM GMT
    Hunter9 saidin my perpetual struggle in trying to find somebody i would like to be with, ive pretty much cut the criteria down to a bare minimum: someone im attracted to and somebody i enjoy spending time with (i.e. they are interesting to be around). anything else is just gravy. of course, im still single, so perhaps i need to trim even further??


    You are not the only one that has this issue!
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    Jan 31, 2010 12:34 AM GMT
    In the words of an acquaintance we met once at a cousin's party.

    "I just want to be with someone that I'm in love with, who's in love with me."

    I think it's very important to distinguish between needs and wants when it comes to partners.

    I dislike the term 'settling for' because it infers cheapening the other person's worth.

    Attraction on the level I'm referring to really has little to do with a check list of physical and intellectual perfections, both of which can disappear in an instant with a stroke. icon_wink.gif


    -Doug