Need Advice

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 01, 2010 4:55 AM GMT
    I'll try to make this short.

    First off I should say I'm not out and not certain whether I'm bi or gay. That said, I have a really good friend, we'll call him Bob. Bob has a girlfriend, but is very open to male intimacy - he even goes so far as to sit on my lap when we're with a big group of friends, cuddle, etc. His gf is long-distance and he doesn't see her often. I also know that he has gay friends from college. Although I've known him for well over a year, I just recently (a week ago) realized that I have feelings for him after sleeping closely in the same bed as him.

    My question is this: given his openness, I would feel safe having him be the first person I come out to about my sexuality. I admit that secretly I'm hoping by doing this he'll reveal more about his intentions. I'm just not sure whether this is the right move, and if so, how I should go about it. How should I set it up? Should I also reveal to him that I like him? Do I have a chance? Thoughts?
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    Feb 03, 2010 3:13 AM GMT
    Hi Bud.

    No one has answered your post, so im going to share my thoughts with you.

    Firstly your not sure if your Bi or Gay. I have spent almost 30 years of my life wondering the same thing. One minute Im hot next Im not, its a painful thing but its a reality we must face that either desision to go either way could be the wrong one. And unfortunitly with a situation like this the only thing you can really do is either get professional help to work though the reasons why you feel you are gay. or go and be with a man to find out for sure. When your alone at night what do you think about most girls or boys?
    What gives you a hard on?
    Maybe you only want sex from a man but would love the company of a women.
    As for your friend if he is doing that sort of thing he deffenitly wants you to want him. and if he isnt doing this with other guys in your group must mean you are sending out those particuler vibes to him.
    By all means tell him how you feel, but if you have sex with him you might have to prepare to loose a friendship or gain an even better friendship and thus the answer to your first question.
    I feel it would be better to experiment with him because you already know him and what hes like.
    Instead of some random guy, which can be very scary. (Trust me).
    Just if you get attached to him find out his true intentions about this long distance relationship of his, so you dont get hurt.
    Good luck Bud. Hola back tell me how it went.

    Mike


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    Feb 03, 2010 3:32 AM GMT
    I don't see an urgent need for you to decide whether you are gay or bi. It's all good and when you have some experiences under your belt it might be easier to do.

    Your friend sounds like a great choice for the first person to come out to. I would not treat this as something weird or strange. Next time he sits on your lap ask him casually: You do know that I'm gay, yes?
    It will probably be a non-issue with him in the vein of "what else is new?" or "d'uh"

    Don't expect much to come from this friendship, except friendship. There is of course the chance that he's gay and closeted as well, but even if he were, doesn't mean anything will come of it. But you can't win if you don't play?

    Good luck.
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    Feb 03, 2010 3:45 AM GMT
    Hmmm okay, I think you should see what his intentions are before you tell him you are attracted to him.

    Okay this is what you should do.

    I don't know if you drink or not or if you both do, but this situation involves drinking.

    Get drunk with him, get "wasted" and oh no, you "passed out on his bed." Darn... I guess you both will have to sleep in the same bed together. Don't wait too long, but give it a few minutes or such and move close. Cuddle, put your arms over him, whatever. You''re drunk, remember? Then read his body language. Does he jump out of bed? Does he flinch, but leave it as is or does he move closer? Let's hope he leaves as is or moves closer, in such a situation, this is when you have to be brave. Start feeling him up as if you are just rubbing against a pillow or stuffed animal whatever. Rub over his body, lower, what not. If by chance he is attracted to you as well, then things should take it's course from there. If he is not interested, no hurt feelings, remember, you're "drunk," so next morning, you both can pretend nothing happened.

    If indeed you do go "all the way" with him. Make sure, the next day, you don't make it awkward. Don't talk about what happened, don't tell him you like him, don't ask him how he feels. Let him come to you... very important.

    Hope that helps a little... icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 03, 2010 3:50 AM GMT
    PusiKuracBre saidHmmm okay, I think you should see what his intentions are before you tell him you are attracted to him.

    Okay this is what you should do.

    I don't know if you drink or not or if you both do, but this situation involves drinking.

    Get drunk with him, get "wasted" and oh no, you "passed out on his bed." Darn... I guess you both will have to sleep in the same bed together. Don't wait too long, but give it a few minutes or such and move close. Cuddle, put your arms over him, whatever. You''re drunk, remember? Then read his body language. Does he jump out of bed? Does he flinch, but leave it as is or does he move closer? Let's hope he leaves as is or moves closer, in such a situation, this is when you have to be brave. Start feeling him up as if you are just rubbing against a pillow or stuffed animal whatever. Rub over his body, lower, what not. If by chance he is attracted to you as well, then things should take it's course from there. If he is not interested, no hurt feelings, remember, you're "drunk," so next morning, you both can pretend nothing happened.

    If indeed you do go "all the way" with him. Make sure, the next day, you don't make it awkward. Don't talk about what happened, don't tell him you like him, don't ask him how he feels. Let him come to you... very important.

    Hope that helps a little... icon_smile.gif



    Yes, Let the devil speak himselficon_twisted.gif
  • Leo123

    Posts: 126

    Feb 03, 2010 4:03 AM GMT
    I've been in your situation before and it ended awfully. I've been depressed over my so-called straight friend for over a year.

    My advice is: If he's a closet case, he won't tell you because you're pushing for it, just as you're not admitting to it either. If you open up to him, it doesn't mean he will too. That's not how it works. Telling someone you're gay takes guts. Hell, I've been gay for a while now and never told my close straight friends yet.

    If you push him, he'll deny the whole thing and he - will - abandon you! So please don't push him. If you tell him the truth, it'll just be awkward and nothing will happen even if your subject considers it.

    The ultimate best advice in this case is to do what Rodmramer mentioned above. Get drunk with him, sleep in his bed and work your moves. If he gets close, then it is what it is.
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    Feb 03, 2010 4:09 AM GMT
    PusiKuracBre said
    Get drunk with him, get "wasted" and oh no, you "passed out on his bed." Darn... I guess you both will have to sleep in the same bed together. Don't wait too long, but give it a few minutes or such and move close. Cuddle, put your arms over him, whatever. You''re drunk, remember? Then read his body language. Does he jump out of bed? Does he flinch, but leave it as is or does he move closer? Let's hope he leaves as is or moves closer, in such a situation, this is when you have to be brave. Start feeling him up as if you are just rubbing against a pillow or stuffed animal whatever. Rub over his body, lower, what not. If by chance he is attracted to you as well, then things should take it's course from there. If he is not interested, no hurt feelings, remember, you're "drunk," so next morning, you both can pretend nothing happened.


    With all due respect, this is pretty horrendous advice. Would you want to continue a friendship - yet alone start a relationship - based on deceit & trickery?
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    Feb 03, 2010 4:14 AM GMT
    seanp7 said

    With all due respect, this is pretty horrendous advice. Would you want to continue a friendship - yet alone start a relationship - based on deceit & trickery?


    what would you do? let me guess...

    "Are you gay? I like you a lot. Want to go out with me?"

    That's horrendous. Clearly this guy is playing games with him, it's called flirting, it's called having fun. Stop asking questions, stop wondering and just do it.

    It's not deceit, there is nothing deceitful in that. And it's not trickery. I didn't tell hi to get the other guy drunk. I didn't tell him to lie to him or harass him. Just play like he is playing too and see where it goes.

    You're really dramatic...

    anyways, thios guy just confirmed everything I said...

    Leo123 saidI've been in your situation before and it ended awfully. I've been depressed over my so-called straight friend for over a year.

    My advice is: If he's a closet case, he won't tell you because you're pushing for it, just as you're not admitting to it either. If you open up to him, it doesn't mean he will too. That's not how it works. Telling someone you're gay takes guts. Hell, I've been gay for a while now and never told my close straight friends yet.

    If you push him, he'll deny the whole thing and he - will - abandon you! So please don't push him. If you tell him the truth, it'll just be awkward and nothing will happen even if your subject considers it.

    The ultimate best advice in this case is to do what pusikuracbre mentioned above. Get drunk with him, sleep in his bed and work your moves. If he gets close, then it is what it is.
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    Feb 03, 2010 4:19 AM GMT
    PusiKuracBre saidThat's horrendous. Clearly this guy is playing games with him, it's called flirting, it's called having fun. Stop asking questions, stop wondering and just do it.


    Clearly? So from the statement "(he is) very open to male intimacy - he even goes so far as to sit on my lap when we're with a big group of friends", you clearly think this guy is flirting?

    Wow. I mean whoa - sitting on someone's lap in front of a group of friends? Sheesh, in that case, I had better not sit on someone's lap in fear that they might read your RealJock wisdom and misinterpret it as 'flirting'.

    Seriously. This guy sounds like a good friend that the OP can come out too and leave it at that. The drunken / planned / calculated seduction isn't necessary, in my opinion.
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    Feb 03, 2010 4:21 AM GMT
    seanp7 said
    PusiKuracBre saidThat's horrendous. Clearly this guy is playing games with him, it's called flirting, it's called having fun. Stop asking questions, stop wondering and just do it.


    Clearly? So from the statement "(he is) very open to male intimacy - he even goes so far as to sit on my lap when we're with a big group of friends", you clearly think this guy is flirting?

    Wow. I mean whoa - sitting on someone's lap in front of a group of friends? Sheesh, in that case, I had better not sit on someone's lap in fear that they might read your RealJock wisdom and misinterpret it as 'flirting'.

    Seriously. This guy sounds like a good friend that the OP can come out too and leave it at that. The drunken / planned / calculated seduction isn't necessary, in my opinion.



    I agree with you Sean
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    Feb 03, 2010 4:23 AM GMT
    seanp7 said
    PusiKuracBre saidThat's horrendous. Clearly this guy is playing games with him, it's called flirting, it's called having fun. Stop asking questions, stop wondering and just do it.


    Clearly? So from the statement "(he is) very open to male intimacy - he even goes so far as to sit on my lap when we're with a big group of friends", you clearly think this guy is flirting?

    Wow. I mean whoa - sitting on someone's lap in front of a group of friends? Sheesh, in that case, I had better not sit on someone's lap in fear that they might read your RealJock wisdom and misinterpret it as 'flirting'.

    Seriously. This guy sounds like a good friend that the OP can come out too and leave it at that. The drunken / planned / calculated seduction isn't necessary, in my opinion.


    you have no clue what you're talking about and it's obvious, yet so sad...

    Just because someone sits on your lap, doesn't mean you can come out to them....
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    Feb 03, 2010 4:26 AM GMT
    PusiKuracBre said
    Just because someone sits on your lap, doesn't mean you can come out to them....


    ...but, it means you can get drunk and sleep with them? icon_rolleyes.gif
  • nv7_

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    Feb 03, 2010 4:36 AM GMT
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    Feb 03, 2010 4:46 AM GMT
    He sits in your lap? Really? I think you already know the answer. No guy has ever sat in my lap gay or straight. Just ask himicon_idea.gif
  • Leo123

    Posts: 126

    Feb 03, 2010 10:14 AM GMT
    seanp7 said
    PusiKuracBre said
    Just because someone sits on your lap, doesn't mean you can come out to them....


    ...but, it means you can get drunk and sleep with them? icon_rolleyes.gif


    You're screwing yourself over for being politically correct.

    I was sort of a prude / dreamer like you are too. Seriously, you just end up

    getting hurt. Get sexual instead of getting emotional. And no, it's not tricky,

    no one is being threatened to sleep with men.

    If a man is straight, he won't even let you sleep close to him in the same

    bed. Dude, if I guy's straight there's no such vibe at all. If the guy lets you

    sleep with him, then he wants it too.
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    Feb 03, 2010 2:08 PM GMT
    Leo123 said
    If a man is straight, he won't even let you sleep close to him in the same bed.


    Not every guy is this insecure. I've slept in the same bed with straight friends before in certain situations where there was no other place to sleep comfortably...

    But I agree with Leo123's previous advice. If he's a closet case, he'll withdraw. I was that guy myself before. And as for getting drunk and making a move, that's a bad idea as well. I've never personally been drunk enough to be conned into sex.

    The best bet is to just leave that guy as a "friend" and find another guy that is at least at the same level of "outness" as the OP. Saves on complications. Granted he has feelings for this guy, but we don't always get into a relationship with EVERYONE we get feelings for in life....
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    Feb 03, 2010 11:02 PM GMT
    PusiKuracBre saidHmmm okay, I think you should see what his intentions are before you tell him you are attracted to him.

    Okay this is what you should do.

    I don't know if you drink or not or if you both do, but this situation involves drinking.

    Get drunk with him, get "wasted" and oh no, you "passed out on his bed." Darn... I guess you both will have to sleep in the same bed together. Don't wait too long, but give it a few minutes or such and move close. Cuddle, put your arms over him, whatever. You''re drunk, remember? Then read his body language. Does he jump out of bed? Does he flinch, but leave it as is or does he move closer? Let's hope he leaves as is or moves closer, in such a situation, this is when you have to be brave. Start feeling him up as if you are just rubbing against a pillow or stuffed animal whatever. Rub over his body, lower, what not. If by chance he is attracted to you as well, then things should take it's course from there. If he is not interested, no hurt feelings, remember, you're "drunk," so next morning, you both can pretend nothing happened.

    If indeed you do go "all the way" with him. Make sure, the next day, you don't make it awkward. Don't talk about what happened, don't tell him you like him, don't ask him how he feels. Let him come to you... very important.

    Hope that helps a little... icon_smile.gif


    This is good advice, because it already happened! When I said "slept closely in the same bed" this is pretty much what went down - the problem was he had fallen asleep a few hours beforehand and can literally sleep through anything.

    Did I mention he's walked in on me in the shower (clear/opaque shower door) "to put eyedrops in"?

    I feel like if there weren't the gf in the way then I wouldn't even be posting this - it's almost the only thing in my way. At this point I'm leaning toward trying PKB's advice again and seeing where that takes me, just not sure I have the patience or the balls for it. It's one thing to just tell him I like guys, it's quite another to come on to him when he's in a committed relationship (drunk or not, bi/gay or not).

    I appreciate all the advice, guys - keep it coming!
  • Leo123

    Posts: 126

    Feb 03, 2010 11:12 PM GMT
    Indy404 said
    Leo123 said
    If a man is straight, he won't even let you sleep close to him in the same bed.


    Not every guy is this insecure. I've slept in the same bed with straight friends before in certain situations where there was no other place to sleep comfortably...

    But I agree with Leo123's previous advice. If he's a closet case, he'll withdraw. I was that guy myself before. And as for getting drunk and making a move, that's a bad idea as well. I've never personally been drunk enough to be conned into sex.

    The best bet is to just leave that guy as a "friend" and find another guy that is at least at the same level of "outness" as the OP. Saves on complications. Granted he has feelings for this guy, but we don't always get into a relationship with EVERYONE we get feelings for in life....


    Right, I've slept in the same bed with straight guys too. The difference is that they won't slumber party with you in it if you push for it. It's like having a dead body laying next to you. There's no vibe.
    Now, if the guy is ok with the body contact, gets comfy and what not.. C'mon..
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    Feb 04, 2010 1:41 PM GMT
    herein saidI feel like if there weren't the gf in the way then I wouldn't even be posting this - it's almost the only thing in my way. At this point I'm leaning toward trying PKB's advice again and seeing where that takes me, just not sure I have the patience or the balls for it. It's one thing to just tell him I like guys, it's quite another to come on to him when he's in a committed relationship (drunk or not, bi/gay or not).


    This is a contradictory statement...You admit that its bad to come on to him since he's in a relationship yet you plan on still trying to come on to him....

    Look, we all don't know you personally so you're gonna do what you're gonna do, but there's a lot of guys out there. This one seems like too much work to me.

    If you say you just really want to "come out" to someone as bisexual then just do that...His reaction will let you know how really good a friend he is to begin with. If he's interested in you, he may just "come out" to you as well and things will progress. Either way, I don't know...

    I've had attractive straight friends in the past that were "male flirty" but I never did anything (as much as I wanted to) and now years later I look at all of these guys and ask myself "what did I ever see in him?" They still don't "technically" know about me but then I've never had this urge to come out like you do.

    I think this situation is too complicated since you have feelings for him. Coming out to someone is tough, if he has a bad reaction, you'll feel doubly rejected, which sucks even more. I hear women are good "first people" to tell, LOL...especially if she's a cool girl. I dunno.


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    Apr 28, 2010 2:55 AM GMT
    Okay...so a lot has happened since the last post so I'll sum it all up:

    I followed PKB's advice, got drunk, went home to his place where his roommates were conveniently gone for the night, tried to snuggle up with him and it was a no go - he just laughed the whole thing off and even told our friends about it :-/ ... long story short I'm not allowed in his bed anymore lol

    Then a few weeks later a big group of us end up hitting the city for the night and grabbing a hotel. I end up in the same bed as him and we end up spooning/cuddling again....WTF!

    Most recently he's been really down because he and his gf are on a break and it's not going well because he really misses her. So to get his mind off things we went on a road trip together last weekend. I got the feeling that he wanted to confront the whole gay matter after talking about his gay friends and how I seem to have a higher "gay threshold" than he does so coming out to him was all I could think about all weekend. The last night at the end of the night I finally caved and came out (albeit a drunken mess) to him. He was really sweet and consoling about it and promised it wouldn't change anything about our relationship and that was it. The thing I didn't tell him was that I liked him (although I don't see how he doesn't realize it after that). He told me that he had absolutely no idea that I liked guys so maybe I was just reading into the whole thing....

    So....thoughts now? Do I just swallow my feelings for him and never tell him and cherish the stronger friendship we have now as the only person in my life who knows the truth about me? Or do I tell him everything and risk losing that for the hope that some part of him likes me too?



  • gumbosolo

    Posts: 382

    Apr 28, 2010 3:10 AM GMT
    You've done all you can-- come onto him plus telling him you're gay is as much as you can do within the bounds of friendship. The ball's in his court. If he doesn't hit it back, he's not interested. Any further advances on your part puts your position as his friend at serious risk, so it's up to you if that's a gamble you're willing to take.
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    Apr 28, 2010 6:45 PM GMT
    I agree with Gumbosolo, what more can you do...trust me there are plenty other guys out there who do not have as big sexual hangups as him (basically less complicated). Lusting after a straight guy sucks but lusting after a guy that has sexual hangups is even worse. You don't wanna be the guy on the side to the guy who lives with his girlfriend/fiance...

    Anyway, now that you have come out to one person, doing it to others will be easier which will make finding a guy easier as well.
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    Apr 28, 2010 7:31 PM GMT
    gumbosolo saidYou've done all you can-- come onto him plus telling him you're gay is as much as you can do within the bounds of friendship. The ball's in his court. If he doesn't hit it back, he's not interested. Any further advances on your part puts your position as his friend at serious risk, so it's up to you if that's a gamble you're willing to take.



    Sound advice, heed it.
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    Apr 29, 2010 12:15 AM GMT
    Congrats on coming out to your friend and I'm happy to hear, that he was so supportive.

    Heed Gumbosolo's advice and don't pursue this further. It's your friend's move to make now. Anything further from you might ruin your friendship.

    Start looking at other guys (preferably gay ones). Getting physical with someone else might help you get over your friend faster (Yes, I'm advocating hook-ups icon_smile.gif ) Since you haven't had sex with your friend, having actual sex with someone else should outweigh the fantasies you had about him.
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    Apr 29, 2010 12:30 AM GMT
    herein said...My question is this: given his openness, I would feel safe having him be the first person I come out to about my sexuality. I admit that secretly I'm hoping by doing this he'll reveal more about his intentions. I'm just not sure whether this is the right move, and if so, how I should go about it. How should I set it up? Should I also reveal to him that I like him? Do I have a chance? Thoughts?


    You're not just hoping to "come out" to a friend, you're hoping that he will want to have intimate relations with you. He already has a romantic interest. Find another guy who doesn't.

    Turn the situation in your mind. How would you feel if you had a boyfriend, and some other person was fantasizing and planning a way to sleep with YOUR romantic interest?

    Are you ok with that? Do you want your partners "stolen"?

    So to answer your questions:

    "how do I go about it." Don't!
    "How should I set it up?" Don't!
    "Should I also reveal to him that I like him?" Don't!
    "Do I have a chance?" Forget it!
    "Thoughts"? Don't be evil.