First post but really need some advice.

  • nolamedic

    Posts: 1

    Feb 02, 2010 5:28 PM GMT
    Ok so I need some advice. I met this guy about 4 months ago we started dating and really hit it off. I fell for him rather quickly compared to of my previous relationships.
    Everything seemed to be going right, then about 3 months or so into it I started to notice him distancing himself. We had a talk and he basically said that he doesn't think he feels the same way I do and thinks that if we kept dating that he would end up getting bored of it and do something to screw it up and he doesn't want to hurt me any more than he has to. I appreciated the honesty and it wasn't an easy thing for either of us.
    We decided to remain good friends which is something I have done in the past with previous ex's so I was ok with it. So now here lies my problem. Every time we hang out or do something together (no sex ) we both have a great time and get along awesomely but I feel like every time I see him it sets me back in my process of getting over him.
    I still love him and we both want each other in our lives but this is so tough. I have not had this problem before with any of my other ex's and not really sure what to do but I still want him in my life. Should I talk to him about it ??Any suggestions??
    Thanks icon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 02, 2010 5:51 PM GMT
    Yep, you should talk to him about this. I've been in your shoes.

    From past experience I'll offer that it's different this time because the quality and layers of your feelings are probably deeper.
    I think you've experienced a soul-synchronicity (is that a word? lol!) with this man and my advice is that you need time and distance to get over him. Your friendship, if it is a mutual and real one, will weather this with no problem.


    -Doug of meninlove
  • jingold04

    Posts: 122

    Feb 02, 2010 6:22 PM GMT
    Uugg! This sux,but I'm sort of in sync with Doug. You're probably going to hold a candle for this guy forever if you don't 86 him from your life. It doesn't have to be forever,just until you can see him & not get butterflies in your stomach or hearts in your eyes. I think everybody has probably been in your shoes at some point,keep your head up.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 02, 2010 6:47 PM GMT
    meninlove said Yep, you should talk to him about this. I've been in your shoes.

    From past experience I'll offer that it's different this time because the quality and layers of your feelings are probably deeper.
    I think you've experienced a soul-synchronicity (is that a word? lol!) with this man and my advice is that you need time and distance to get over him. Your friendship, if it is a mutual and real one, will weather this with no problem.


    -Doug of meninlove


    Yes.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Feb 02, 2010 8:16 PM GMT
    You're not over this guy for whatever reason
    Bad news is until you are
    you're just going to put yourself in a world of hurt when you're around him

    If you wanna get over this distance yourself from him
    it might take a few months
    but in reality there is no other way
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 02, 2010 8:22 PM GMT
    nolamedic saidOk so I need some advice. I met this guy about 4 months ago we started dating and really hit it off. I fell for him rather quickly compared to of my previous relationships.
    Everything seemed to be going right, then about 3 months or so into it I started to notice him distancing himself. We had a talk and he basically said that he doesn't think he feels the same way I do and thinks that if we kept dating that he would end up getting bored of it and do something to screw it up and he doesn't want to hurt me any more than he has to. I appreciated the honesty and it wasn't an easy thing for either of us.
    We decided to remain good friends which is something I have done in the past with previous ex's so I was ok with it. So now here lies my problem. Every time we hang out or do something together (no sex ) we both have a great time and get along awesomely but I feel like every time I see him it sets me back in my process of getting over him.
    I still love him and we both want each other in our lives but this is so tough. I have not had this problem before with any of my other ex's and not really sure what to do but I still want him in my life. Should I talk to him about it ??Any suggestions??
    Thanks icon_neutral.gif


    Time to move on. Quoting: "I see him it sets me back in my process of getting over him."

    Here's a good general rule: if someone upsets you when you're around them, stop being around them.

    Keep
    It
    Simple
    SIlly

    I.e., don't be a stupid fool and keep upsetting yourself. The other person has done nothing to you. You keep doing it to yourself. Time to take charge, and MOVE ON.
  • PipHop

    Posts: 439

    Feb 02, 2010 8:26 PM GMT
    Um no offense, but maybe you should take a step back and look at the situation objectively. 3 months in to the relationship he was saying that he wasn't feeling the same and you decided to be friends. Just because you want to, doesn't mean it's in the cards. Obviously you have a spark for the guy (since he broke it off), or else you wouldn't be still longing for him. But you need to distance yourself from the guy. Saying you love someone after 3 months is a bit fast, as well don't you think?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 03, 2010 7:36 PM GMT
    You have to cut all communication with him. Trust me!

    If you still love him and he doesn't love you the same, then to be "Friends" is disastrous for you. You'll never stop loving him, unless you cut all ties with him and maybe later, a few months later, you won't love him anymore... maybe or maybe you just can't ever talk to him again. It's unfortunate, but it's what happens when 2 people are on opposite pages and love is involved.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 03, 2010 7:50 PM GMT
    I don't quite get why people are suggesting you cut all ties with him.

    But, it sounds like you need a time-out and need to focus your attention elsewhere. Tell him you value his friendship and wish to remain friends with him, but because there are some lingering feelings you need some distance for a while. Take a month off, go on a few dates, and let all those steamy emotions you have for him dissipate.

    If after a month and some dates (and some sex. some really good sex) you are still hot and heavy over him... well, you sir have some problems that really need some working on.
  • Kyboy270

    Posts: 30

    Feb 10, 2010 4:36 AM GMT
    I'm in agreement with the majority.

    Once, I had a really, really awful crush on a good friend and it got so out of hand that I ended up destroying our friendship because of jealousy, suspicion, resentment, you name it. Everything was shit I had made up in my head, but it seemed so real. Bad news.

    If you don't spend some time away from him, you could end up doing something nasty: if not to him, then to yourself.

    How to do this?

    1. Tell him. Tell him you have very strong feelings for him that don't look like they're going anywhere anytime soon. Tell him you need to spend some time, you don't know how much, as long as it takes, completely away from him.

    2. Remove him from your life during this time. This means defriending him on Facebook, deleting his IM screenname, even his phone number even though you've probably got it memorized anyway. Do NOT leave ANY means of contacting him or worse, spying on him, available to yourself. You have to pull out the thorn completely in order for the wound to heal.

    3. Get a friend to help you. A close friend who you can call when you can't stand your own thoughts anymore, someone who can lend an ear to all your reasons why it isn't fair, why it should have worked out, and who can reassure you when you are deep in doubt. The more people you have that will help you, the better.

    4. STAY BUSY. Don't give your mind time to dwell on him. Go out, meet people, talk to friends, listen to music, see movies, go to the gym, flood your attention with as much activity as you can to help you move on. Once the hole is filled, it won't open up so easily again.

    After a time, probably months, you will feel your old self coming back again, and you will realize that you've been without him for awhile and everything is still ok. You'll be stronger, you'll feel better, and, when you are ready, you can begin seeing him again. Take it SLOW. Once a month could be your limit for the first few, then, if you feel like you still have got a good grip on yourself, then you can edge back into a regular friendship with him.

    A word of warning, though: You'll never forget how he made you feel, even when you are over him. That never goes away.