Accepting things from...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 03, 2010 12:57 PM GMT
    Ok, let's just say for the sake of discussion that I have this friend that lives about 8 hours away from me. We've met on several occasions, gotten to know each other. We actually have spent weeks together at a time whenever I was visiting him in town and stuff like that. I've been in a long distance relationship for 2 years with this guy. But eventually I'm back in my own town 8 hours away. I'm happy with where I'm at, but at the same time I feel like I'm missing something.

    So I get an e-mail from this guy I've been talking to and have had the chance to spend a lot of time with before and I come to find out that he's been thinking about doing something for me. The man is a very wealthy guy, he's 27, and he has his life set. In an e-mail he explains his feelings to me as something that he hasn't felt as strongly about ever before in his life and he doesn't think he can manage the strength to just let me live away from him anymore but he regrettably could .

    So here's the problem. He's completely willing to pay for me to live down there and pay for all of my college expenses and anything that I need so that I may be able to be with him instead of enduring the hardships of a long distance relationship.

    And for the sake of discussion the only thing in my mind stopping me would be the burden of accepting the generosity of him paying for all of my college tuition, fees, books, etc for the next couple of years. o_o

    So I feel completely and utterly horrible accepting wonderful things that are given to me even from someone that deeply loves me. Is that normal? How should I remedy that? And to not make this feel like misplaced thread (I guess) Do you feel bad accepting nice things?


    Now this is for the sake of discussion, and it is not truth-based; however, I just wanted to see what some answers were.

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    Feb 03, 2010 1:04 PM GMT
    There I just edited it about a thousands times. yay
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Feb 03, 2010 2:07 PM GMT
    I've never been in such a situation, but if I was this is how I think I would handle it. You don't seem to know if YOU want to spend a life with this person. I think that is really the deciding factor in whether or not to accept so much money. The alternative is to pay your way through school, and set yourself up so that you can support yourself if needed and then look to make a relationship between two people who could fund themselves independently, if needed.
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Feb 03, 2010 2:10 PM GMT

    I think you'd be a fool to take his offer. what must be learned and experienced, we must come to know for ourselves. he simply cannot pay for your expenses ... that's not a lover, that's an expectant sugar daddy. this fellow seems as though his heart may be coming from the right place but that is not quite how to effectively express such in a healthy manner.

    if I were in your shoes, I would continue on with your life as is. if he really wants to be affectionate ... have him make you something and either present it to you next you're there with him or have him come to you, when it is an appropriate time, and showcase it. there is no need to rush ' it ' when it's real. for when it's real, it's not possessive, it's not about the physical appetite, it's not about what he can do for you ... it's about what you can do for each other. it's about being frustrated deep down and forgetting as to why when you look at him genuinely trying to make it right. it's about seeing all of the things that annoy you that he either says or does but you look forward to them when you're away from each other.

    go your own way, soul, but take pieces of him with you (if it's that serious).
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Feb 03, 2010 2:13 PM GMT
    Yeah, what jrs said. I said it with my brain, he said it with his heart.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 03, 2010 2:17 PM GMT
    I guess I am a bit skeptical... my first thought was that it was too good to be true, and if it sounds too good to be true, it often is. You never know what kinds of expectations come with money, especially if he is footing the bill.... I say this having gone through some problems with my now ex over money and expectations that came with it.

    I'd say if he really loves you, he can wait a couple of years for you to get your life on track too. If either of you are seeing this as a "once in a lifetime chance," then it's not worth it... move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 03, 2010 2:45 PM GMT
    jrs1what must be learned and experienced, we must come to know for ourselves


    BRAVO! I'm in agreement with this. But not only this, but it would put a forever strain on you relationship that may not be intended, but would be there regardless. What I mean is that whether he intended to or not, he would FOREVER have this factor to hold over you. Again, that may not be his initial intent, but it would be the case. It can easily turn into a situation where you loose all of your individuality because you feel obligated to conform to his opinion of who you ought to be. Not to mention, every time you want to spend money... you would be wondering if he approved (even if it is your own money).

    All of that being said, if you truly love this man, you should probably find a way to relocate yourself. I would also assume that he is not currently paying for your school, so why should he start when you move there.
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    Feb 03, 2010 3:29 PM GMT
    It's hard to say in this hypothetical situation what's best for the two people involved, without knowing the parameters of their relationship. Quite frankly this happens a fair amount in straight relationships with a lot of successes and some failures.

    Bill's Mom worked while Bill's Dad went to Uni to become a doctor. She paid the bills. Then when he finished and began getting work, she stayed at home and had a few kids.

    It's like that curious animal called a pushme-pullyou in Dr Doolittle.


    -Doug

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 03, 2010 4:51 PM GMT
    jrs1 said
    I think you'd be a fool to take his offer. what must be learned and experienced, we must come to know for ourselves. he simply cannot pay for your expenses ... that's not a lover, that's an expectant sugar daddy. this fellow seems as though his heart may be coming from the right place but that is not quite how to effectively express such in a healthy manner.

    if I were in your shoes, I would continue on with your life as is. if he really wants to be affectionate ... have him make you something and either present it to you next you're there with him or have him come to you, when it is an appropriate time, and showcase it. there is no need to rush ' it ' when it's real. for when it's real, it's not possessive, it's not about the physical appetite, it's not about what he can do for you ... it's about what you can do for each other. it's about being frustrated deep down and forgetting as to why when you look at him genuinely trying to make it right. it's about seeing all of the things that annoy you that he either says or does but you look forward to them when you're away from each other.

    go your own way, soul, but take pieces of him with you (if it's that serious).
    Aww, I liked this one.
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    Feb 03, 2010 7:19 PM GMT
    well do you imagine spending the rest of your life with him? Do you imagine living with him? Does he live at a place, better or worse, than where you are now?

    I don't think he should pay for EVERYTHING, but going to college can lead to student debt, that some people don't pay off until way after graduation of college, if that. If you truly love him and want to be with him, then go for it, but you know what, get a job, fill out financial aid, so you can gain independents as well..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 07, 2010 8:15 AM GMT
    Lucky dogicon_biggrin.gif
  • DarkSensation

    Posts: 715

    Feb 07, 2010 8:21 AM GMT
    Lol, Sound very Tempting but Remember When it comes To Men as in the Male species...whatever they give or do for you....you Already own them twice of it....so be Wise My Dear icon_biggrin.gificon_wink.gif
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    Feb 07, 2010 8:42 AM GMT
    Well, let's just say a friend of mine thinks that you could always pay him back (if it comes to that) when you have finished your study. You know, scratch my back now, I'll scratch yours later... just a thought.