ALL PUNS INTENDED

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    Feb 04, 2010 1:31 AM GMT
    ALL PUNS INTENDED


    1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent..

    2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

    3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

    4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

    5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

    6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

    7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
    "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
    "Is it common?"
    "Well, It's Not Unusual."

    8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
    "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
    "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

    9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

    10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

    11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

    12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

    13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel..

    14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

    15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

    16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

    After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
    "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
    "Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

    18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later,
    Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

    19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

    20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

    21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


  • Little_Spoon

    Posts: 1562

    Feb 04, 2010 1:40 AM GMT
    How about that one I heard...


    There are three men on a sidewalk. Two walk into a bar and other one ducks.
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    Feb 04, 2010 4:43 AM GMT
    Number 21 actually made be laugh out loud. The others got giggles. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Feb 04, 2010 8:02 AM GMT
    Great thread, I needed that laugh.
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    Feb 04, 2010 10:42 AM GMT
    Thanks man, totally made my day.
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Feb 04, 2010 11:12 AM GMT
    Most of those were good, but some weren't that punny.
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    Feb 04, 2010 11:12 AM GMT
    * Time flies like an arrow.
    Fruit flies like a Banana.

    * A backward Poet writes inverse.

    * A Chicken crossing the road is poultry on motion.

    * If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

    * When a Clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

    * The Man who fell into an Upholstery Machine is fully recovered.

    * He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
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    Feb 04, 2010 11:14 AM GMT
    reppaT said

    * If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.



    305_1223345937.jpg
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    Feb 04, 2010 11:35 AM GMT
    i had a gr8 laugh thanks for sharing icon_smile.gif
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Feb 04, 2010 11:36 AM GMT
    DCEric saidMost of those were good, but some weren't that punny.


    the comedian tells a joke because it feels natural. the automaton attempts to be facetious because of its programme ...
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Feb 04, 2010 11:40 AM GMT

    # the river is wild because it couldn't be tamed.

    # There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

    * looks at MeOhMy *

    # To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

    # He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

    # Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

    # His boyfriend wanted him to slow down the car, but he put his foot down.
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Feb 04, 2010 12:51 PM GMT
    jrs1 said
    DCEric saidMost of those were good, but some weren't that punny.


    the comedian tells a joke because it feels natural. the automaton attempts to be facetious because of its programme ...


    Don't take me seriously. I enjoyed it so much I threw in my own. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Feb 04, 2010 1:12 PM GMT
    No. 3. made me laugh... not because it's hilarious in itself, but it reminded me of the Monty Python episode. with the killing joke.

    Ze Germans try to come up with their own joke to match the british.


    from about 6.30 it get's very punny
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Feb 04, 2010 1:20 PM GMT
    Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?

    A: Unique up on it.



    Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?

    A: Tame way, unique up on it.


    Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
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    Feb 04, 2010 1:26 PM GMT
    What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?


    Elephino.
    icon_rolleyes.gif



    Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic?

    He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a Dog.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Feb 04, 2010 1:31 PM GMT
    Ah .... you can't do this without the best
    From Rodney Dangerfield icon_cool.gif

    With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

    I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

    I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

    What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

    Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

    I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

    Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

    When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

    I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

    I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Feb 04, 2010 1:34 PM GMT
    StudlyScrewRite said What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?


    Elephino.


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    Feb 04, 2010 1:38 PM GMT
    Oh man...some of these are really bad. But I still find myself cracking up.

    Like that guy who told me a farmer was someone who was outstanding in his field.

    Genius hot dogs always end up on honor rolls.

    Where does General Petraeus put his armies? In his sleevies.
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    Feb 07, 2010 9:57 PM GMT
    These are great, good laughs!! icon_lol.gif
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    Feb 07, 2010 10:00 PM GMT
    These are all fantastic! My kind of humor icon_smile.gif
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    Dec 18, 2010 3:07 PM GMT
    After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of a copper-wire system dating back 100 years, and they came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

    Not to be outdone by New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper-wire system and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.

    One week later, 'The Redneck Rebel Gazette' in West Virginia reported the following:After digging as deep as 30 feet in a corn field, Bubba Ray Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, West Virginia had already gone wireless.



    Not one to be outdone, the Cherokee Nation reported that after successful digging they concluded that over 500 years ago they, too, had copper wiring, but only in outhouses, latrines, lavatories and bathrooms...

    because....



    Christopher Columbus wired a 'head' for reservations!






  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 18, 2010 3:17 PM GMT
    icon_lol.gif Too hilarious


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    Dec 18, 2010 3:50 PM GMT
    hahaha OMG! thnx guys!
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    Dec 18, 2010 3:54 PM GMT
    What did one lesbian frog say to the other?

    "we DO taste like chicken!"
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    Dec 18, 2010 4:06 PM GMT
    Thanks guys for sharing all those laughs and smiles. A great way to start weekend icon_biggrin.gif