He is the love of my life but he makes me crazed - THANKS TO ALL WHO RESPONDED.

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    Feb 06, 2010 5:19 AM GMT
    BOLD TEXT GOES HEREHe is the love of my life but he makes me crazed. I have been with him 2 years. Physically we are opposites. He hardly works out and has an average built but he is handsome in my eyes and will always be that. He is not what I would normally have gone for but I fell for him without expecting it would happen and here we are 2 years later. He likes my body but he thinks guys are always after me and that I like the attention. We are in a monogamous relationship but he sometimes thinks I am not. Yes I have been flirted with playfully and I have harmlessly reciprocated but that is as far as it has gone. never anything more than that. I have accepted fault and have apologized endlessly. He thinks this isolated flirt means that I am meeting other guys. It has not happened since I have been with him. It is hard dealing with his insecurity. Everything else is fine but I can not break through to him on this one. I Have tried and I am getting tired with this one. Any suggestions?

    020810 - Appreciate the responses, guys. It's interesting to see the variety of perspectives that exists with regards to what constitutes flirting, and whether or not "harmless" flirting is detrimental to a relationship. My flirting has never gone beyond a smile and friendly banter. Never have I engaged in behavior such as Doug described in his post,"...there were friends that thought of kissing as flirting, rubbing their crotches together as flirting, massaging each others' butts as flirting. One evening we ran into an ex of mine and I stood beside him chatting while he flirted with me. This entailed rubbing his leg up and down mine and placing his hand on my butt," and Celticmusl described in his, "I was trying to date a guy this summer, and we were at a gay BBQ just standing around talking. Another friend of both of ours comes up and cups my date in the crotch area with his hand. Not only did my date not get offended, but the hand was there for quite awhile."

    Personally, I consider this type of behavior to be more than flirting, and depending on the situation it may even be lewd and disrespectful. Nevertheless, it's clear that depending on an individual's perspective my form of flirting may be just as bad. This is what's key for me...although I try to place myself in my SO's shoes in an attempt to understand him better, I sometimes falter at this. I love this guy. There's no one else for me. So, while I don't view my type of flirting as a big deal, he obviously does and he has reasons for having that perspective. We've had an awesome 2 years, and compared to problems faced by other couples, this issue is somewhat benign. As such, if I can't put forth the effort to address this, by understanding him better, than I don't deserve him...Right? I think the string of responses provides and interesting discourse on flirting, but more importantly it proves (as similar strings often prove) that we sometimes have to view what's happening in our relationships through our SO's eyes. If we do this in an honest way, we might find that we are not right in our position, despite our firm belief at the beginning that we are right.
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    Feb 06, 2010 5:41 AM GMT
    Tell him he has become excessively needy and it is taking a toll on the relationship. Reassure him that you are honest and that if your relationship were going down a dead path you would be forthcoming.

    Tell him that before it gets there, things need to change now. You want to be with him; tell him that you if you didn't, you would have left a long time ago.
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    Feb 06, 2010 5:43 AM GMT
    If he were to get fit he may understand your own experience more, but that may be too much to ask of someone, and may tell him you're losing interest which will only exacerbate the issue.
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    Feb 06, 2010 5:54 AM GMT
    My heart goes out to you brother.

    There's nothing worse than someone projecting their own insecurities onto you. You're a great person for not barking back and causing a fight, but by all means do NOT become an enabler of his abuse. I use the term "abuse" loosely, because eventually that's what it will become. Mental/emotional/verbal.

    Those are things we can all live without.

    If you really love him, and vice versa... then you two will work out the necessary changes. If you cannot, and yet you STILL love each other... then you have to love each other enough to let each other go.

    Sad, but true.
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    Feb 06, 2010 6:00 AM GMT

    We can't comment yet without more info...

    How often is the flirting and how far do you go when reciprocating?


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    Feb 06, 2010 6:09 AM GMT
    Ah, I understand the both sides of you. You might want to tell him how you feel directly. Have you told him that he's the love of your life? That might solve his insecurity issues... Honest, direct, and clear communication is important.
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    Feb 06, 2010 2:35 PM GMT
    really no such thing as harmless flirting if you are in a relationship...yeah its an ego boost but the consequences are obviously bad.
    doesnt mean that he is insecure, just comes across that your not ready to be in a relationship based on your statement
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    Feb 06, 2010 2:48 PM GMT
    Just like you shared with us, you need to share it with him!
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    Feb 06, 2010 4:31 PM GMT
    dieselpower saidHe is the love of my life but he makes me crazed. I have been with him 2 years. Physically we are opposites. He hardly works out and has an average built but he is handsome in my eyes and will always be that. He is not what I would normally have gone for but I fell for him without expecting it would happen and here we are 2 years later. He likes my body but he thinks guys are always after me and that I like the attention. We are in a monogamous relationship but he sometimes thinks I am not. Yes I have been flirted with playfully and I have harmlessly reciprocated but that is as far as it has gone. never anything more than that. I have accepted fault and have apologized endlessly. He thinks this isolated flirt means that I am meeting other guys. It has not happened since I have been with him. It is hard dealing with his insecurity. Everything else is fine but I can not break through to him on this one. I Have tried and I am getting tired with this one. Any suggestions?


    Time to lay down the law. He needs to straighten up. You need to straighten up. If you know he's insecure, then, don't give him any ammunition by flirting with others. I.e., you either need to accommodate him, live with it, change him, or get rid of him. It's very unlikely that you'll change him. Those insecurities are deep within him.

    You need some hindsight here: he doesn't work out, he's insecure, he's jealous, he's needy. You knew that going in, yet, went for it anyway. You know you're going to get more sexual attention than him, etc.
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    Feb 06, 2010 4:38 PM GMT
    I was involved with someone who flirted openly and who insisted there was no significance to it, so I know where he's coming from. It can drive a man crazy, not because he's insecure, but because everyone knows where stuff like that often leads. Men who flirt for their own pleasure do it because they need the boost in self-esteem.

    It's hard to convince someone who doesn't get off on skirting the edges of sexual interaction that you mean no harm. Don't flirt, stay loyal, and you won't have a problem.

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    Feb 06, 2010 4:39 PM GMT
    mat08264 saidreally no such thing as harmless flirting if you are in a relationship...yeah its an ego boost but the consequences are obviously bad.
    doesnt mean that he is insecure, just comes across that your not ready to be in a relationship based on your statement


    Exactly.
  • masculumpedes

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    Feb 06, 2010 4:43 PM GMT
    The reason you "flirt" is to replace something that is currently missing in your own relationship/friendship. icon_idea.gif
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    Feb 06, 2010 5:00 PM GMT
    Attention? Physical attraction? Who knows.....but, you likely have a valid point.

    My mom has a saying...a couple really.

    It takes two to fight.
    It takes two to get along.
    It takes two to tango.

    Hard to tell all the issues in the thing from here, but, sometimes, folks aren't a good fit for each other, even if they are MOSTLY comfortable with each other. Could be that, too.

    Point is, of course, if the boy friend gets bent every time you flirt, then....DON'T DO THAT.
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    Feb 06, 2010 5:23 PM GMT
    chuckystud saidAttention? Physical attraction? Who knows.....but, you likely have a valid point.

    My mom has a saying...a couple really.

    It takes two to fight.
    It takes two to get along.
    It takes two to tango.

    Hard to tell all the issues in the thing from here, but, sometimes, folks aren't a good fit for each other, even if they are MOSTLY comfortable with each other. Could be that, too.

    Point is, of course, if the boy friend gets bent every time you flirt, then....DON'T DO THAT.



    Exactly. Trust is earned, not granted. Especially if he has insecurities, it will take more effort to earn his trust.

    On the other hand, I think it's possible for somebody to become more secure with themselves. That, too, takes time and will be a natural side-effect of trusting you more. COMMUNICATE openly about all this, without being confrontational. Approach it as an issue you both have a stake in as well as a responsibility to work on.

    Of course, all of this is assuming you really do want to make it work with him long-term. Otherwise, it's not worth any further effort or worry.
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    Feb 07, 2010 2:52 PM GMT
    dieselpower saidHe is the love of my life but he makes me crazed. I have been with him 2 years. Physically we are opposites. He hardly works out and has an average built but he is handsome in my eyes and will always be that. He is not what I would normally have gone for but I fell for him without expecting it would happen and here we are 2 years later. He likes my body but he thinks guys are always after me and that I like the attention. We are in a monogamous relationship but he sometimes thinks I am not. Yes I have been flirted with playfully and I have harmlessly reciprocated but that is as far as it has gone. never anything more than that. I have accepted fault and have apologized endlessly. He thinks this isolated flirt means that I am meeting other guys. It has not happened since I have been with him. It is hard dealing with his insecurity. Everything else is fine but I can not break through to him on this one. I Have tried and I am getting tired with this one. Any suggestions?



    The irony of it all! I just love the title of this post "

    He is the love of my life but he makes me crazed?


    what's up with that? it should read more like:

    Is he the love of my life when I still like to flirt!?


    How in hell anyone in a relationship is suppose to trust their significant other when flirtation is still going on? when you are in a monogamous relationship ( I don't know if the OP is?) your lover should ALWAYS be the main center of attention...ALWAYS.....ALWAYS!!!

    I don't really know how serious or healthy the OP's relationship is? but if he feels the need to flirt with anyone other then his BF I will definitely question and even doubt his commitment in this relationship!?



    Leandro ♥




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    Feb 07, 2010 3:48 PM GMT
    If this gentleman honestly thinks you've been out meeting other guys (ie. cheating), then why has he not left you? We don't have all the facts, but maybe he is just looking for a fight
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    Feb 07, 2010 3:59 PM GMT
    ALEZANDAR said
    The irony of it all! I just love the title of this post "
    He is the love of my life but he makes me crazed?

    what's up with that? it should read more like:
    Is he the love of my life when I still like to flirt!?

    How in hell anyone in a relationship is suppose to trust their significant other when flirtation is still going on? when you are in a monogamous relationship ( I don't know if the OP is?) your lover should ALWAYS be the main center of attention...ALWAYS.....ALWAYS!!!

    I don't really know how serious or healthy the OP's relationship is? but if he feels the need to flirt with anyone other then his BF I will definitely question and even doubt his commitment in this relationship!?

    Leandro ♥

    I agree with this. Very surprised more people agreed with the assumption that the other guy was insecure. He's not jealous because he's insecure, he's jealous because the OP is blatantly flirting with other guys and giving him a reason to be jealous.

    And it doesn't have anything to do with the OP going to the gym more and having a better body. Even the most out of shape guys can flirt and be flirted with. But if two people are in a relationship, that nonsense should not happen by either party.

    For example: You can't get mad at your lover for accusing you of smoking if your clothes constantly smell of cigarettes...

    I had a friend that was cheating on his BF and he would talk to me about how his BF constantly calls to check up on him and texts him all the time. He called him insecure as well since he suspects he's cheating all the time. I said to him, "but you ARE cheating on him. He's got a reason to suspect because his suspicions are TRUE." My friend didn't see the irony in this just as the OP doesn't.

    Sounds like the OP is already preparing to be single again.
  • Celticmusl

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    Feb 07, 2010 4:02 PM GMT
    After awhile being accused of infidelity or unfaithfulness is pretty much insulting. I would suggest going to couples counseling to see where this insecurity of his is coming from. It might not have anything to do with you, or it might not be anything you can rectify, but counseling will help both of you know where the issue lies.

    I am a totally big flirt, but flirting is all completely innocent. If nothing happens after the flirting, and you're completely faithful, there should not be an issue.
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    Feb 07, 2010 4:26 PM GMT
    Flirting's pretty much like window shopping. You may not have any intentions of selecting any new merchandise, but eventually you'll find that one item that you can't resist.

    If you're actually flirting with someone in front of him, then let me ask you this. Would it feel so innocent if the roles were reversed? Also have you told him what you've told us? It's weird how easily we'll show ourselves and our feelings to a bunch of strangers, but we put up walls with the ones we feel like we're the most connected to. I think we're all guilty of it to some extent, so I'm not trying to jump on you or give you or anything like that. Part of conflict resolution is putting yourself in another person's position, and acknowledging your role in things. No one else is responsible for your actions other than you.
  • Celticmusl

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    Feb 07, 2010 4:38 PM GMT
    Indy404 said
    ALEZANDAR said
    The irony of it all! I just love the title of this post "
    He is the love of my life but he makes me crazed?

    what's up with that? it should read more like:
    Is he the love of my life when I still like to flirt!?

    How in hell anyone in a relationship is suppose to trust their significant other when flirtation is still going on? when you are in a monogamous relationship ( I don't know if the OP is?) your lover should ALWAYS be the main center of attention...ALWAYS.....ALWAYS!!!

    I don't really know how serious or healthy the OP's relationship is? but if he feels the need to flirt with anyone other then his BF I will definitely question and even doubt his commitment in this relationship!?

    Leandro ♥

    I agree with this. Very surprised more people agreed with the assumption that the other guy was insecure. He's not jealous because he's insecure, he's jealous because the OP is blatantly flirting with other guys and giving him a reason to be jealous.

    And it doesn't have anything to do with the OP going to the gym more and having a better body. Even the most out of shape guys can flirt and be flirted with. But if two people are in a relationship, that nonsense should not happen by either party.

    For example: You can't get mad at your lover for accusing you of smoking if your clothes constantly smell of cigarettes...

    I had a friend that was cheating on his BF and he would talk to me about how his BF constantly calls to check up on him and texts him all the time. He called him insecure as well since he suspects he's cheating all the time. I said to him, "but you ARE cheating on him. He's got a reason to suspect because his suspicions are TRUE." My friend didn't see the irony in this just as the OP doesn't.

    Sounds like the OP is already preparing to be single again.




    Listen, I have never cheated on anyone I was in an LTR with and I never intend to, but harmless flirting is harmless. I think it is more like a part of someone's personality that you just don't like, or you accept it. There are a lot of guys on here that are in a "monogamous relationship" status, that have no intention of cheating, and will publicly flirt with guys so much so that it even makes ME blush.

    To question whether there is something else at play is probably accurate. Maybe the OP's SO just doesn't feel loved, or feels neglected....who knows....they obviously don't even know....couples counseling might get to the bottom of it.

    I think the next LTR I am in, and hopefully the last LTR I will be in, rings will be exchanged and prominently displayed at any gay social event or activity. I don't like the fact that either myself, or my SO, could be misunderstood as being single. Maybe if the OP takes a step like this, or any other gesture of commitment, such as a marriage ceremony, it would go a long way in appeasing the SO.

    Valentines Day is a few days away Mr. OP, think of a way to knock his socks off by showing that you are committed to him!
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    Feb 07, 2010 4:41 PM GMT
    He needs reassurance.. and not just in words. I'm that kind of person.. suspicious.. paranoid.. insecure. Time spent with me, flowers, spending time with my partner and their family, anything to make me feel important would immediately make me realize I was an idiot for wondering if I had been cheated on.

    It sucks dating someone with insecurities as bad as my own.. but if you can meet the challenge.. we're worth it. I promise icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 07, 2010 4:44 PM GMT
    You can't make someone trust you or want to be with anyone. If you are honest and don't make him have any reason to not trust you ( and this may take some soul searching to determine if you really are happy with him), then he jas to learn to trust you. If he can't , then maybe you need to mutually move on.
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    Feb 07, 2010 4:47 PM GMT
    KentuckyTuss saidHe needs reassurance.. and not just in words. I'm that kind of person.. suspicious.. paranoid.. insecure. Time spent with me, flowers, spending time with my partner and their family, anything to make me feel important would immediately make me realize I was an idiot for wondering if I had been cheated on.

    It sucks dating someone with insecurities as bad as my own.. but if you can meet the challenge.. we're worth it. I promise icon_smile.gif


    yea this is called fuking high maintenance.
    only one thing to do with high maintenance people - hit it and RUN.
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    Feb 07, 2010 5:02 PM GMT
    Good points Celticmusl, but we asked how far and what kind of flirting was occurring and haven't heard back..I've seen a lot of flirting going on in my days on this old world, and some of it was almost soft porn.

    Here's something., When Bill and I used to go out, in our first year together, I'd meet guys I knew well or had dated and we flirted. This involved joking and affectionate hugs. BUT there were friends that thought of kissing as flirting, rubbing their crotches together as flirting, massaging each others' butts as flirting.

    One evening we ran into an ex of mine and I stood beside him chatting while he flirted with me. This entailed rubbing his leg up and down mine and placing his hand on my butt. A mutual friend who had a crush on Bill sat down beside him ( they were behind us) and whispered to Bill. "Uh oh, honeymoon's over, blush is off the rose. Trouble in paradise." I turned around to look at Bill a few minutes later, this mutual friend vamoosed with a red face, and the look on Bill's face broke my heart cleanly in two.


    -Doug
  • Celticmusl

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    Feb 07, 2010 5:15 PM GMT
    meninlove said Good points Celticmusl, but we asked how far and what kind of flirting was occurring and haven't heard back..I've seen a lot of flirting going on in my days on this old world, and some of it was almost soft porn.

    Here's something., When Bill and I used to go out, in our first year together, I'd meet guys I knew well or had dated and we flirted. This involved joking and affectionate hugs. BUT there were friends that thought of kissing as flirting, rubbing their crotches together as flirting, massaging each others' butts as flirting.

    One evening we ran into an ex of mine and I stood beside him chatting while he flirted with me. This entailed rubbing his leg up and down mine and placing his hand on my butt. A mutual friend who had a crush on Bill sat down beside him ( they were behind us) and whispered to Bill. "Uh oh, honeymoon's over, blush is off the rose. Trouble in paradise." I turned around to look at Bill a few minutes later, this mutual friend vamoosed with a red face, and the look on Bill's face broke my heart cleanly in two.


    -Doug



    That's true Doug. I always consider flirting to mean a peck on the cheek or lips, some nice comments about their clothes or how good they look, a hug or arm around the shoulders. Anything under the belt area is off limits.

    I was trying to date a guy this summer, and we were at a gay BBQ just standing around talking. Another friend of both of ours comes up and cups my date in the crotch area with his hand. Not only did my date not get offended, but the hand was there for quite awhile. It turned me off a bit after seeing that.

    Point taken.