How to react to someone you aren't attracted to when he forces your hand?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2008 3:22 PM GMT
    This story sort of parallels the one HndsmKansan told in a separate thread about a gym troll, but it has a different arc.

    Last April there was this guy named Pete who found me on MySpace. He lives nearby. He asked to be added as a friend, which was fine. I wasn't attracted to Pete but I never assume that anyone wants more than friendship as that would be egotistical, and I never considered myself the last Coca Cola in the desert.

    Then Pete started sending me notes about thanks for the add. I responded politely. Then he started sending me notes about how great my legs are. Well, of course that's very flattering and I thanked him but with curt responses, hoping that he would get that point that I was not interested.

    I then saw him at a local gay bar. He smiled at me to encourage a conversation. I smiled, said "hi" and walked on. Then about October he dropped me from MySpace. I thought that he got the point and never gave it another thought.

    Then over Christmas a new profile asked to be added to MySpace. It was called WVMassage and featured a faceless picture of a decently built blond guy shown nude from the back. I added it and then the WVM sent me a message offering me a free first massage as sort of an introductory offer. Clearly I know that often a massage offer is not always going to lead to a massage, and I was even prepared for the masseur to be someone different than the picture.

    I scheduled a massage for Saturday afternoon. WVMasaage would see me online and offer me the "massage" at that particular moment. I declined and kept the Saturday appt.

    On Saturday, an hour before the appt. time, WVMassage left me a note, giving me his phone number should I get lost. I thanked him. He responded and told me that I already knew him. Yes, as you've guessed, it was Pete. He explained that he had just become a licensed masseur.

    I was pretty livid. Not so much with the fact that I was misled or even that I was anticipating a massage or something more (to be honest I'd had a really bad week and wasn't even sure I'd be capable of the "something more").

    I was pissed because he forced my hand. I had no desire to be mean or forceful. We've all been on the receiving end of an unreturned attraction, and we all remember the people who handled it gracefully and who handled it like a dickhead.

    When I was in my early dating days I was at a gay bar and introduced myself to this great guy named Robert. Robert wasn't interested in me but he carried on a polite but uninvolved conversation and then thanked me for introducing himself before moving on. I got the message and I appreciated that he treated me with respect, especially in what I had learned by that time was the harsh realm of gay bars. So, Robert was always my role model for how to let guys down.

    Yet Pete wasn't going to let me get by with that. I couldn't go through with anything but I didn't know how to tell him politely. I called friends and everyone was away from their phones. Finally I got through to my straight brother who told me to just tell him point blank.

    I rehearsed what I was going to say a few times. I then called Pete (using *67). He answered pensively. I said, "Pete, this is Dave. I am not coming for the massage." That was all I got out. He hung up on me.

    I went to MySpace and he had removed me from his friends list. Great! But I still sent him a note saying, "I didn't want to be rude to you, but your approach was deceptive. I haven't led you on in any way so I don't appreciate being cornered like that. I wish you luck in finding what you want."

    I know some of you will think that letter was too nice and maybe it was, but Jesus, gay life is so hard in Middle America! If a guy goes to these lengths to meet up with someone, that strikes me as sad and a little unstable. I don't want to add to that.

    Any thoughts?
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    Jan 14, 2008 3:35 PM GMT
    Unfortunately networking sites and the internet have made one thing easier....aggressive stalking. People also tend to have a little more of a brazen spirit online because they don't have to look you in the face when they do things to you that in any real life context would be considered over the top bizarre and rude. It sounds like this kid might have had a social problem that made it hard to get signals from you...maybe aspergers? Otherwise he's probably just a creep. Often though, and admittedly this has been a problem with me too, some people have a hard time interpreting when their bravado is just a show of confidence or when it is a serious nuisance. Who knows though!
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    Jan 14, 2008 4:00 PM GMT
    I agree with you, WastinAway. And you're spot on about the Aspergers. I think some people have the non-clinical brand of it called obliviousness. But this guy isn't a kid. He's about 40, so you know that he's had experience being rebuffed.
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    Jan 14, 2008 4:16 PM GMT
    I think you were more than fair. The guy ambushed you.
    I applaud you for the way you handle the situation and yourself.

    It would have been very easy for you to just rip this guy a new but you kept your dignity and self-respect.
    That is worth more than just reading someone. no matter how much hew deserve it.

    You had a great role model from your earlier years!icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jan 14, 2008 4:20 PM GMT
    Now that you have his address, go to this site and send him an appropriate gift.
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    Jan 14, 2008 4:23 PM GMT
    WastingAwaynNc saidUnfortunately networking sites and the internet have made one thing easier....aggressive stalking. People also tend to have a little more of a brazen spirit online because they don't have to look you in the face when they do things to you that in any real life context would be considered over the top bizarre and rude.

    Yet another reason for not posting face pics in one's public profile.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 14, 2008 4:24 PM GMT
    Well DeMarco, I've had a couple of incidents like this.
    I think its always important to remember that this person (who you don't know) might just like you (innocently enough) and needs to be set straight...

    I also get concerned about what I call the "Jeffrey Dahmer snydrome", meaning that the person could have objectives (maybe not what Dahmer did, but objectives way beyond normal).. if the guy doesn't get the hint pretty fast, I'd tell him to stay the hell away.

    At that point, feelings for the other person are irrelevant, he didn't care about yours or your comfort level. When I told one person, um, no, "go away", the guy yelled at me, calling me an arrogant person (I get sick of that) and "I must think I'm too good".. that bothers me.

    I hope it resolves itself quickly DeMarco.
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    Jan 14, 2008 4:27 PM GMT
    Damarco4u saidI agree with you, WastinAway. And you're spot on about the Aspergers. I think some people have the non-clinical brand of it called obliviousness. But this guy isn't a kid. He's about 40, so you know that he's had experience being rebuffed.


    People who are oblivious aren't really going to "get" it the first time or the fiftieth time...they may just feel like they aren't doing enough to send a signal to someone that they want them and escalate their odd behavior.
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    Jan 14, 2008 4:45 PM GMT
    Well, we do what we can to be polite.

    I have a story to share too. An old guy from the gym chatted with me one day in the locker room. He ask what I do and he happen to be in the same field and now retired. He seem friendly and ask me to go to his house and that he got books that he can give me for my work. I answered I might in the future but for now I don't need them. I figure he must be a lonely old guy trying hard to make friends.

    He then ask me if I wanna grab a quick lunch with him. Since I was leaving too I said ok. He offer to drive so we went. During the meal, he talk about his marriage and his kids and so forth. He then talk about some hot male stars that interested him too. He also try to find out about my sexuality but I keep it to myself.

    back in the car, he ask me if I want a blow job. I feel like a fool going along all this time and being taking advantage over my politeness. I hate making people feeling not welcomed, but no way I'm gonna do it with him. I told him no and let the awkward moment linger in the air since he ask for it.

    maybe be some people just don't deserve to be polite.
  • Sportsguy1971

    Posts: 18

    Jan 14, 2008 6:41 PM GMT
    I think you handled it the best way you could. I'm always upfront with people before I meet them to let them know that nothing is expected so if nothing happens no one is disappointed. I feel making friends first is a good idea especially if your looking for a LTR. The sooner someone knows your not looking for more than just friends the better, thought sometimes people just don't get the picture and you have to sever even the friendship.
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    Jan 14, 2008 7:06 PM GMT
    Thanks for the answers, guys. All useful insight, as I knew would come from members of this board.

    Ducky44 said
    You had a great role model from your earlier years!icon_biggrin.gif


    Yeah, that was a great early experience. I did become friends with Robert later. He was the handsomest guy and he was strangely into geeks. He was butch and athletic and cute but his type was the skinny, dorky geek. Go figure!

    When you first embrace being gay and go to the gay bars you think there will be this "greeter" there and that everyone will be so happy to see you. You have no idea the hierarchy and behavior that waits in store. After that rude awakening, Robert stood out from the others and I knew that I wanted to be like that. I hate drama, and not just for the sake of the drama but because of what it says about how little a person thinks about others besides himself.

    Hndsm KansasI also get concerned about what I call the "Jeffrey Dahmer snydrome", meaning that the person could have objectives (maybe not what Dahmer did, but objectives way beyond normal).. if the guy doesn't get the hint pretty fast, I'd tell him to stay the hell away.


    Exactly! The reason I was so vexed about what to do was that I wondered if I was thinking a little too highly of myself. Maybe he just wanted to develop his clientelle with familiar people. But then I realized I'd be at his place, buck naked and defenseless. Worst case scenario: what if I was right? I also remembered the blond picture and realized that he could have been and SHOULD have been upfront. He had already expressed interest with notes like "What I'd love to do to you..." at his Pete profile. I would respond with the ever-condescending cutoff "Ha, ha! You're crazy!" Clearly that didn't work! LOL!

    Ebl333, it sounds like you handled your situation with aplomb. As you demonstrate, sometimes the best answer is awkward silence.

    I think friendship first is a good approach, too, Sportsguy. As you know, making friends with gay men can be challenging because too many interpret any brand of forwardness as lust. Am I the only one who tries to feel people out?

    McGay, your solution and that site are f*cking hilarious! I have to wonder how much businees they get from doing their business in packages. icon_lol.gif
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    Jan 14, 2008 7:16 PM GMT
    Tjeez, Why do you all think you need to be polite? If someone is invating youre personal territory you don't have to be polite, get real. He/she is not accepting youre boundery's that's there problem, if they cross it, they will have to face the answer, if it is not the answer the want, so be it. What do you care, youre dealing with someone you don't wanna meet in a personal way, get rid of it and get over it
  • cowboyathlete

    Posts: 1346

    Jan 14, 2008 9:54 PM GMT
    McGay saidNow that you have his address, go to this site and send him an appropriate gift.
    ROTFLMAO
    As for the original poster's concerns, I block people online without giving it a second thought. Even if it is not dating or tricking, just chatting in Gay.Com for example, there is no need to put up with rudeness or stalking. I refuse to waste my time on people like that.
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    Jan 15, 2008 2:42 PM GMT
    Thygros saidTjeez, Why do you all think you need to be polite? If someone is invating youre personal territory you don't have to be polite, get real. He/she is not accepting youre boundery's that's there problem, if they cross it, they will have to face the answer, if it is not the answer the want, so be it. What do you care, youre dealing with someone you don't wanna meet in a personal way, get rid of it and get over it


    On one level I agree with you, Thygros. After you've politely put someone off they are being rude or oblivious to not get the point, and no amount of niceness is going to make those things clear to them. I do ascribe to how Ducky44 put it so well, though, that it isn't just about the other guy but about keep your dignity and self-respect. I can look myself in the mirror knowing that I didn't deliberately make a guy feel small about himself. Much of the straight world works very hard at trying to make us feel outcast. I see no reason for us to do that within our own community.

    cowboyathlete saidAs for the original poster's concerns, I block people online without giving it a second thought. Even if it is not dating or tricking, just chatting in Gay.Com for example, there is no need to put up with rudeness or stalking. I refuse to waste my time on people like that.


    I've gotten better at blocking people or denying them a friend add at MySpace, and I got that experience from middle aged divorced women! Jeez, you'd think they'd realize that a single 38 year old man who stays fit and wear Kenneth Cole in his profile pic is gay! icon_lol.gif
  • ShawnTX

    Posts: 2484

    Jan 15, 2008 3:01 PM GMT
    Damarco, I commend your restraint in this matter. I know myself well enough to know that I would not have been able to show such restraint. Never having been in a situation such as this, or something similar, by reading your story, I can't help but feel like I were being highly maninpulated and almost victimized.

    Being made to feel like a victim does not sit well with me, so I'm sure I would have lost my composure and felt the need to 'attack' him in turn, to regain some sort of control over the situation, to take back my power. Not really the best way to go about it, but that would be my instinctive reaction.

    This individual obviously has some serious social issues that unfortunately the internet can't help with, only makes worse, or at least more apparent.

    Just be glad he doesn't have your phone number or know where you live.
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    Jan 16, 2008 3:59 AM GMT
    Thanks, Shawn. Yes, I agree completely with you. The anonymity of the Internet really makes people take chances that they wouldn't take in front of you. I can't imagine what he thought was going to happen when he opened the door and I saw that it was him. Did he think I was going to say, "Ah, Pete! You sly dog! You got me!" LOL!

    And I am glad that he doesn't have my contact information. Before I even knew it was him I decided to use *67 just in case, and man am I ever glad that I made that decision. I hope I don't run into him again any time soon, but something tells me that the way he hung up on me, he won't be trying to get my attention.
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    Jan 16, 2008 4:33 AM GMT
    It's more to do with his childishness then anonymity. If he got a brain, he'd know if it didn't work in real person, why would it work laced with lie? Not to mention he had to face the final rejection. If he got a brain, he'd avoid this embarrassment.

    Or he is totally in love that make him do such crazy stunt?
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    Jan 16, 2008 4:45 AM GMT
    Some great responses here men, so I have a question that is along the same lines....

    There is a guy that I met a few months back. He has asked me out many times and I've always told him that I would love to hang out as a friend but that is it. I just was not looking for a relationship at the time. He said that he understood and just wanted the chance to get to know me as friends so I agreed. Even with that understanding, the first time we met, he started putting on the moves. Actually coming on very strong. And making comments like when I said Happy New Year, he said "I hope that my New Year includes being with you" etc. You get the point.

    He keeps calling and now I'm at the point where I don't even call the guy back. I've been so clear with all my statements towards him and he just keeps laying it on thick. Why do I have to be the asshole to finally tell him to completely F off?, but I feel like I'm getting pushed to that point.
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    Jan 16, 2008 3:46 PM GMT
    That is very similar to what I was experiencing, polo. I kept waiting for someone to post a stronger version of what Thygros had to say, but evidently some of us are not that comfortable being that aggressive. And some of it may have to do with our age. There's a practicality that you acquire as you get older.

    The unreturned calls should have given the guy the message. The next time he calls or corners you (unless it's in a deserted spot--don't take your chances alone, lol) just tell him that you are flattered but you've been making it clear that you are not interested and that you don't want to do things with him any longer.

    The problem with Pete was that he kept saying things about what he'd like to do and I thought someone of his age HAS to know that if you aren't saying back to him "let's do it," then you don't want to. There are those coy guys who need to be flattered and my patience wears thin with that, but at least those guys feed the interest with returned interest. I guess some people see what they want to see when they are attracted, just as we all do. Good luck with this guy.
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    Jan 16, 2008 3:54 PM GMT
    Polo-

    There are guys out there who for some reason just don't care about how you feel it's all about them and there needs until tell you finally have to open the LIBRARY and Read them!

    It's crazy!
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    Jan 16, 2008 4:47 PM GMT
    Just say: "Sorry, I'm not attracted to you." End of story. Don't need any more drama than that.