Being More Approachable

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 09, 2010 9:04 AM GMT
    I've noticed that certain of my friends have this amazing ability to have people come talk to them out of the blue, while I find that it's more difficult for me to get other people to do the same. I honestly find that sometimes even when I go up to someone and start talking, prying conversation out can be like pulling teeth and I get this 'deer in the headlights' look. And I'd like to think I'm pretty decent at conversation (though maybe not by the looks of matters). I've been told several times that it has to do with my not being 'approachable'.

    I've noticed in particular my friend Monica tells me crazy stories about people coming up to her and just pouring out a life story, and I wish I were a little closer on the spectrum to her. It'd be nice for people to feel a little more welcomed when socializing, so I ask you guys, what do you find makes you feel most comfortable in conversation with a new friend?
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Feb 09, 2010 12:37 PM GMT
    It's hard to say, I'm incredibly comfortable if I've had a few drinks. But this is not a good habit to rely on.

    If you're finding that people aren't approaching you for conversation, maybe you should find a guy you want to talk to and walk up to him.

    I've been told I'm not approachable as well. Actually, I was told I have a "I'm straight, don't mess with me" look on my face that scares men away. That was two years ago, I'm much better. Just takes time to get comfortable in your social situation.



    For your inspiration:



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 09, 2010 12:42 PM GMT
    Stop feeling uncomfortable where ever you are.

    Subtle social cues tell people about you.

    I get it too though, that i'm unapproachable, some have called me scary, been called a snob by a few people too.

    I just stopped caring to be honest and go meet the guys I wanna, it sorta makes it easier, I don't need to gently brush off the guys I'm not interested in hehe icon_biggrin.gif
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Feb 09, 2010 12:43 PM GMT
    The warmth of my personality and the fact that I can smile about anything and also deliver a compliment to make the other person smile also. I never meet a stranger...icon_biggrin.gif
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    Feb 09, 2010 1:59 PM GMT
    lilTanker is right. It's the subtle social ques... people pick up on them and they really influence what kind of responses you get.

    Next time if you're out and about and sitting somewhere, don't just sit there and look down or away from people. If you make eye contact, say hello... or anything positive like a smile etc. If you immediately break eye contact as if you just caught them jerkin-off it will make it awkward for both of you (guys and girls). Even something as simple as a nod works... I do that one often, and people respond with questions on how my day is going or anything else.... especially when I was only looking for a nod in return haha

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    Feb 09, 2010 2:21 PM GMT
    Do you really want crazy people coming up to you and pouring out their life stories? Of course not! Be thankful you are not that approachable.
    A lot of times, if you see someone you find interesting, you have to be the one doing the approaching. Many people worth knowing are a little shy. Be a little more gregarious, even if it is out of your comfort zone.
    I've read some of your posts, you're very intelligent. Mull less. Be more spontaneous when the mood strikes.
    P.S. Yeah, gotta SMILE !!!! icon_wink.gif
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    Feb 09, 2010 2:37 PM GMT
    My problem is I don't smile enough. It's not because I'm not happy. And not because I don't have nice teeth. I just don't think about it and tend to smirk more than smile. Gotta work on it!

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    Feb 09, 2010 2:40 PM GMT
    abelian0 saidI've noticed that certain of my friends have this amazing ability to have people come talk to them out of the blue, while I find that it's more difficult for me to get other people to do the same. I honestly find that sometimes even when I go up to someone and start talking, prying conversation out can be like pulling teeth and I get this 'deer in the headlights' look. And I'd like to think I'm pretty decent at conversation (though maybe not by the looks of matters). I've been told several times that it has to do with my not being 'approachable'...

    Well, a more flattering interpretation of this could be that you're handsome enough that other gay guys are shy about approaching you. Even in my hay-day (and yes, I did have one, for a couple of months many years ago) there were stunning guys I never had the nerve to say boo to, but wished I could.

    Which means you may have to work extra hard at making yourself approachable, if that's what you want. I have that problem myself, which sometimes I use to my advantage, if someone comes up to me I want nothing to do with.

    I suppose the biggest thing is to keep smiling in public. A smile is an invitation to say hello to someone, so practice keeping yours on all the time. As for you approaching others, I don't know how you're doing it: coming at them like an avalanche, or using a tone of voice and words that don't sound friendly, I dunno.

    At a meet-and-greet function I'm all handshakes and big hellos, my name is Bob and so forth. Sitting at a gay bar I take my time, wait for a conversation moment, the chance to drop some comment and see if he responds. I can't give you a single answer, except to say it's all subtlety and art, at least for me, something you've gotta learn for yourself, that matches who you are.
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    Feb 09, 2010 2:42 PM GMT
    try being conscious about smiling more, this is always very inviting & also contagious...at the very least you will get a smile back icon_biggrin.gif
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Feb 09, 2010 2:46 PM GMT
    I don't think you can control it. My partner is a former Disney performer. He can be in a crowd of 1000 in an airport and people will come up to him for help or directions. It's weird. I think his situation come from the chip Disney installed.
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    Feb 09, 2010 2:50 PM GMT
    Latenight30 said...It's weird. I think his situation come from the chip Disney installed.

    LOL! Well, maybe Disney's where he learned to do what Lukas4u & I suggested above: have an open, smiling face. Some people's "default" expression is a stone face, while others seem like an open door, inviting you in. But I do think it can be learned, because that's what I did, to allow me to turn off my natural unapproachability whenever I don't want to be scaring guys off.
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    Feb 09, 2010 3:00 PM GMT
    I tend to have the same issue. Friends have told me the same thing about eye contact and just go out to people and break the ice. I find once I do find something of common interest it's get easier afterwards.
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    Feb 09, 2010 3:13 PM GMT
    My 'easy breezy' out-of-the-blue complete-stranger conversations are usually with older men or middle aged women. I'd probably not approach a guy my age or younger -- self conscious about looking like I'm flirting, I guess.
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    Feb 09, 2010 3:14 PM GMT
    Don;t forget to smile wherever you go...

    monkey_smile.jpg
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    Feb 09, 2010 3:18 PM GMT
    TheIStrat saidDon;t forget to smile wherever you go...

    monkey_smile.jpg


    Oh Lord!!!!
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    Feb 09, 2010 3:19 PM GMT
    TheIStrat saidDon;t forget to smile wherever you go...

    monkey_smile.jpg



    See how approachable that guy is?

  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Feb 09, 2010 3:50 PM GMT
    I have the same problem .....
    and it comes from a lot of different influences

    Family, social, where you come from

    My family was never the most demonstrable in the world
    I also grew up in NYC where your space was guarded very diligently

    so I'm not one to usually start a conversation
    but once I do I'm pretty much set icon_cool.gif

    Social interaction is a habit
    the more you interact the easier it is afterward
    conversely the less you interact the harder it will be the next time
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    Feb 09, 2010 4:03 PM GMT
    GQjock said...My family was never the most demonstrable in the world
    I also grew up in NYC where your space was guarded very diligently.

    ...Social interaction is a habit
    the more you interact the easier it is afterward
    conversely the less you interact the harder it will be the next time

    I also was born & raised just outside Manhattan, and I often tell people that's the source of my own social reticence, and my bad habit of withholding eye contact until I feel comfortable with the other person. My family was also very reserved in its emotional expression. In later years I would say my parents acted more like my babysitters than my mother & father.

    But that was then, and this is now. And as you very wisely note, "social interaction is a habit" which I forced myself to do when I was in the Army, having little choice. And the more I did it, admittedly playacting at first, the more it became an easy and natural response on my part, that I genuinely enjoy to this day. Insightful post!
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    Feb 09, 2010 4:06 PM GMT
    djdorchester saidMy problem is I don't smile enough. It's not because I'm not happy. And not because I don't have nice teeth. I just don't think about it and tend to smirk more than smile. Gotta work on it!




    Bingo...

    Smile = Approachable (in most situations)

    A problem of mine as well.
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    Feb 09, 2010 4:08 PM GMT
    NCemtOBX said
    djdorchester saidMy problem is I don't smile enough. It's not because I'm not happy. And not because I don't have nice teeth. I just don't think about it and tend to smirk more than smile. Gotta work on it!




    Bingo...

    Smile = Approachable (in most situations)

    A problem of mine as well.



    Yea but you have such a nice smirk..... icon_smile.gif

  • geojock

    Posts: 141

    Feb 09, 2010 4:34 PM GMT
    I have the same problem. And smiling doesn't seem to be enough. I walk around with a permanent smile on my face, even when i am at the bars, but I never have anyone come up and talk to me. I ll introduce myself etc., but it would nice to be more approachable and not have to be the pursuer all the time. Any other ideas than just smiling?
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    Feb 09, 2010 4:50 PM GMT
    I think I have this same problem. It seems like I have an issue with being comfortable in an environment that is not my bubble that I am used to. I need to learn to relax. Some of my friends say I have either a pissed of face or a sad face on but really I am content. It's just the way I'm made up. People don't see that though~
  • swimbikerun

    Posts: 2835

    Feb 09, 2010 5:02 PM GMT
    abelian0 saidI've noticed that certain of my friends have this amazing ability to have people come talk to them out of the blue, while I find that it's more difficult for me to get other people to do the same. I honestly find that sometimes even when I go up to someone and start talking, prying conversation out can be like pulling teeth and I get this 'deer in the headlights' look. And I'd like to think I'm pretty decent at conversation (though maybe not by the looks of matters). I've been told several times that it has to do with my not being 'approachable'.

    I've noticed in particular my friend Monica tells me crazy stories about people coming up to her and just pouring out a life story, and I wish I were a little closer on the spectrum to her. It'd be nice for people to feel a little more welcomed when socializing, so I ask you guys, what do you find makes you feel most comfortable in conversation with a new friend?
    You've ignored the email I sent you. Then you post about not being approachable?
    Beside you've got it backwards. Take an interest in others and others will take an interest in you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 09, 2010 5:03 PM GMT
    I don't want anyone coming up to me and telling me their life story. That's what shrinks or cats are for
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 09, 2010 9:07 PM GMT
    Yeah, I have to work in smiling more too. I tend to have an "angry" expression on my face. And I think that scares away a lot of guys. icon_sad.gif