frustrated to no end

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    Jan 15, 2008 11:39 AM GMT
    so, basically i am tired of being alone. i have no problem meeting guys, getting dates, and what not, but for some reason i dont ever get past that. im 22 now with no real major relationship under my belt. i have turned into a cronic dater! now i guess i am too picky and perhaps i push away people that really like me that i should maybe keep around, but is it a crime to have high standards lol (attempt to make light of my frustration). once i reach period of a month or two everything just seems to crumble(i get cold feet or whatever). i just want a good looking guy, someone who is genuine, one who walks through life with me. i think i am a normal, down to earth guy. i like a bit of everything and love to be around people in general. i dont really know what my question here is to be honest...
    does anyone else have this problem???
    what can i do to fix it?
    are all the nice guys already in relationships?
    am i the problem and only making it worse by being a whiney lil bitch about it lol?
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    Jan 15, 2008 5:54 PM GMT

    Look on the bright side. You have dates which is more than most of the fat american single population can say.

    Would you rather be single all your life and say you never let your standard slip or just settle for less for the sake of a relationship.
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    Jan 15, 2008 6:01 PM GMT
    Most of the people who talk loftily about their "high standards" are unrealistic and often narcissistic. Listen, you're doing well if you meet someone who fits 75% of your criteria. And if that's "settling", then you're going to have a long, lonely life.
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    Jan 15, 2008 6:02 PM GMT
    I don't mean this in a mean or patronizing way, but no matter how mature you are, you are still very young. Give yourself some time and stop worrying about it so much. Being overly anxious because Mr. Right hasn't materialized is the best way to keep him away.
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Jan 15, 2008 6:07 PM GMT
    dude, you have no idea...

    i came out just about 5 years ago, for the sole reason of wanting to find a guy to be with. between then and now, ive been on somewhere between 150 and 200 first dates, a smattering of 2nd and 3rd dates, and three different guys who I dated for about two weeks each. For the vast majority, I've been uninterested in going further with the guy... there have been two or three guys who I would have liked to have proceeded with but did not show interest.

    I have kept the attitude that the more people I meet, the more likely that EVENTUALLY I'll meet HIM!
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    Jan 15, 2008 6:17 PM GMT
    Trance23, i guess... but i would also like to not be one of those gay guys who turns 40 and finds himself alone with no real past major relationship. i dont just want to slee around forever

    jprichva, honestly thats what i am afraid i might be doing. i dont do it purposefully and really cant give you a specific instance, i just feel i might be doing that unconsously.

    RBY71, i dont take too much personally, so youre in the clear ;). and im honestly not pushy about it, i think thats why i am so frustrated. while i want a relationship, if anything is true i can be too slow to enter into something (i dont enter into things seriously even if ating for a couple months). i just kind of go with the mood of everything.
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    Jan 15, 2008 6:20 PM GMT
    Hunter9, that is almost exactly my situation. i just keep flipping through them hoping ill come across someone. and while im on here, the internet is not the primary place i meet people at all. so, yeah... i just dont know. sorry you find yourself in a similar situation. its massively frustrating
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    Jan 15, 2008 6:32 PM GMT
    Cdf--

    Maybe you should try a different approach. Instead of running down a laundry list of positives and negatives when you meet a guy, try the tummy test. Meaning, did you have fun? Did you enjoy yourself? I don't mean deciding right there and then if this guy is Mr. It, I mean--did you enjoy yourself just enough to think seeing him again might be fun?

    The point I'm trying to make is, not all attraction is immediate. Sometimes feelings---very strong feelings--can develop over time. But only if you give them the time to do so. So, all this means is, reserve your judgements if you have a good time out originally. See where it goes. Perhaps something will develop, perhaps not. But a mere second date isn't close to enough time to really know anything.
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    Jan 15, 2008 6:38 PM GMT
    i usually make it a point to make a second date, unless there is absolutely no interest. first dates are sometimes awkward and the guy can often be nervous and what not so i try not to judge the first date too much. and i usually have no problem seeing someone for a couple of weeks, just never extends beyond that
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    Jan 15, 2008 6:45 PM GMT
    Okay, so you make it to week two---what happens at that point to turn you off of the guy?

    You can examine these things step by step if you really want to find the answer. Ask yourself what is the common thread to all the times you dumped a guy after that second week. Did he say something stupid? or mean? Did you have sex and it wasn't good? Did he seem selfish? Were you bored? What is the thing these situations all had in common?
  • fitnfunmich

    Posts: 181

    Jan 15, 2008 6:57 PM GMT
    I suspect you may be falling victim to a very common temptation: unrealistic and unfulfilled expectations. You meet a guy, and right away you assign an expectation to him, whether that is boyfriend material or a fuckbud or friend or none of the above.

    The problem with that approach is that it is too limiting on your end, and not really fair on his end.

    Relationships are like the wind. You can't really go looking for it, but have to wait for it come to you. My advice is that you stop looking for a relationship to develop in the future, and instead focus on who you happen to be seeing at the moment.

    In other words, stop looking for a boyfriend, and start looking for interesting people instead, and see where it takes you.
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    Jan 15, 2008 7:11 PM GMT
    fitnfunmich said
    Relationships are like the wind. You can't really go looking for it, but have to wait for it come to you. My advice is that you stop looking for a relationship to develop in the future, and instead focus on who you happen to be seeing at the moment.


    Trust a down-to-earth Michigan boy to make a ton of sense.
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    Jan 15, 2008 7:30 PM GMT
    funfitmitch, you may be right, but i try to take everything as it comes. i dont know, i try not o make expectations
  • fitnfunmich

    Posts: 181

    Jan 15, 2008 7:49 PM GMT
    Maybe. But you said yourself "i am too picky and perhaps i push away people." There has to be a reason that you said that, and it's possible that it's because of the expectation thing. Either that or a fear of intimacy.

    In any case, the common denominator in all of these interactions is YOU, my friend. icon_smile.gif

    (Thanks for the compliment, jp!)
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    Jan 15, 2008 8:18 PM GMT
    lol truthfully, i know the problem is me. its just whenever i think i have found someone, something seems to go wrong: they are a total pothead(while i dont mind light use, i dont do it and have a problem when its depended on), there is some issue that i have just brushed off and and can no longer stand, i dont know.
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    Jan 15, 2008 10:46 PM GMT
    I went through the "finding someone and then finding out something negative about them" for a while. It was usually drugs, or even escorting, and once even both. I realized for a while that I was unconsciously dating the same type of guy, over and over again. And when things always turned out the same and I got hurt, well I blamed myself. Now I am in a happy relationship, because I stopped trying to force it- it almost didn't even work out. I tried to force a relationship w/ my bf and it only pushed him far away. Only when I backed off and got to really know him then we ended up together. Everyone I know that is actively looking for a relationship can't find one. Everyone I know in a relationship tells me it just happened unexpectedly, they never expected it, but it worked out. My advice, which others have said already, stop looking. Also, don't sleep together immediately. Wait. Good things come to those who wait. A watched pot never boils. yadda yadda yadda you get the picture. Work on yourself, on what goals you have, etc etc, and HE will find you. You'll go through some ones that aren't right (even though you hope and wish they are at the time) but a good one will find you. I believe my current relationship will last 'cause we don't just give up and work on things together. Plus everyone that has broken up w/ my bf goes bald, gets cancer, or some other disease, so I'm not going anywhere.
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    Jan 15, 2008 10:59 PM GMT
    Hey cdf1185! I got the same problems you have and I don't know what to do. I just want a good looking guy too but can't seem to find one decent guy around my age.
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    Jan 15, 2008 11:11 PM GMT
    I think (as usual, what a surprise) that JP has the right idea here. Don't overanalyze. Don't overthink. Just take guys and dates as they come...if you fixate on the destination (that one great guy and happily-ever-after relationship), you miss out on a lot along the way...so what if he only made you intensely, sweetly, deliriously happy for two weeks; it was a great two weeks. Just figure if a relationship doesn't work, at least two things happened: (a) you (hopefully) enjoyed life while it lasted, and (b) you (hopefully hopefully) learned a lesson from it for next time.

    Point is, if you're too busy looking for a relationship, chances are you're not gonna know something good when it comes along. If you're desperate for a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship, you're jumping into it for all the wrong reasons in the first sake. So thinks I. Good luck!
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    Jan 15, 2008 11:19 PM GMT
    My experience is that people do not find love. It finds them.
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    Jan 15, 2008 11:35 PM GMT
    Uh-oh...I've been talking to dhinkansas too much, because an eighties song is coming to mind.

    Must. Resist. Oh, can't. Here it comes.

    *warbles badly*

    "Oh, you can't hurry love, noooooo you just have to wait,
    they say love don't come eeeeeasy, it's just a game of give and take..."

    Horrors, shoot me before I sing again. My coworkers just looked at me funny.
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    Jan 15, 2008 11:41 PM GMT
    ah to be 22, I agree it takes time. I dated one guy to the next. It wasn't until I stopped thinking the grass was greener. I was never happy with the guy for one reason or another, especially here in NYC. There is always someone better looking, has a better job, money, etc. I stopped fighting and really looked at what I wanted. Its been 4 yrs now and counting, its been work but its been amazing. I think maybe if you just let go of the expectations you'll find what your looking for. icon_biggrin.gif
  • auryn

    Posts: 2061

    Jan 15, 2008 11:59 PM GMT
    zdrew78 saidUh-oh...I've been talking to dhinkansas too much, because an eighties song is coming to mind.

    Must. Resist. Oh, can't. Here it comes.

    *warbles badly*

    "Oh, you can't hurry love, noooooo you just have to wait,
    they say love don't come eeeeeasy, it's just a game of give and take..."

    Horrors, shoot me before I sing again. My coworkers just looked at me funny.


    icon_eek.gif80's song?icon_eek.gif (I feel old. Can't Hurry Love came out in the 60's and was still popular when I was a kid in the 70's.)
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    Jan 16, 2008 12:08 AM GMT
    zdrew78 saidUh-oh...I've been talking to dhinkansas too much, because an eighties song is coming to mind.

    Must. Resist. Oh, can't. Here it comes.

    *warbles badly*

    "Oh, you can't hurry love, noooooo you just have to wait,
    they say love don't come eeeeeasy, it's just a game of give and take..."


    EIGHTIES SONG? Try SIXTIES, ZD...that song was one of the top ten hits of the Supremes, about 1965.
  • Artesin

    Posts: 482

    Jan 16, 2008 7:02 AM GMT
    Standards are good. Despite your chronic dating maybe you get cold feet for a reason, realistically you knew that person wouldn't have been a good match. Eventually you might meet someone where you don't care, that wouldn't be lowering your standards but knowing that they have been achieved or lightened (no that isn't a euphemism for lowering !).
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    Jan 16, 2008 7:16 AM GMT
    Here's my take:

    http://www.realjock.com/topic/83196/