I NEED FRIEND ADVICE

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    Feb 15, 2010 5:11 AM GMT
    so my best friends boyfriend of 4 years since high school...he came on to me,i was at a club and i saw him there,without my friend and he buys me a drink witch i dont accept,and he tells me to go to a hotel room, and i was freaked out by it couse i thought he loved my friend.

    do u guys think i should tell him or no..i dont want to hurt him he loves him so much..its not the same anymore when we go out and i c him i feel bad....

    they say the best advice comes from strangers so im asking u guys..should i tell him or no........
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    Feb 15, 2010 5:18 AM GMT
    It puts you into a bad spot because your friend's not going to want to believe that his boyfriend's pulling this crap so it might come back on you. It'd also look bad on you if your friend got the information from another source.

    I'd say let him know it's going on, and that you're just giving him the information and don't get overly emotional or caught up in the drama. I think that's the safest way to go about it. Sucks that guys have to be like that.
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    Feb 15, 2010 5:55 AM GMT
    Depends how you want to lead your life, and what your priorities are.

    Maybe they broke up? Maybe they have an open relationship? Maybe they both wanted you? Who knows?

    There's not enough information here to give any kind of qualified advice. Lots of variables; very little info.

    If they're in a committed relationship, then, if you're a man of honor, then, I think you know the right answer. Do you really need guidance there?
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    Feb 15, 2010 10:53 AM GMT
    oooh, terrible line he just crossed. Actually it's probably the worst line he could have crossed personally.

    Tell your mate, gently, but firmly, don't be incredibly nervous about it, what your going to tell him is going to hurt not matter how you do it, so be firm, clear and to the point, dispel with the whole story and line up, this isn't a joke or a good story, your potential about to be the messenger of a bad blow.

    Your friend might react really badly, to the point of yelling and screaming at you, it's very normal to get that reaction and you'll just need to accept it without getting all angry and start yelling back, but be prepared for anything.
  • myklet1

    Posts: 345

    Feb 18, 2010 1:32 PM GMT
    He is actually hurting more if you don't tell him. Honestly, you have to define how you interpret the word "FRIEND". I told a friend a similar situation once. His boyfriend was a snake and I finally told my friend. The boyfriend lied his way through it, and are friendship dwindled.......but I did the right thing and he did what he wanted to do with the info. I often wonder if he is still a fool.
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    Feb 18, 2010 1:34 PM GMT
    Hate to say it, but Chuck's right on this one... not enough info and too many variables. What to do about it? It's your call.... but what ever you do, be sure it's something you can live with.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 18, 2010 1:37 PM GMT
    Tough situation, but I'd tell him. I'd ask him about the state of the relationship, then tell him what happened. I agree with some of what was said above..it may affect your friendship, but you owe it to your friend.

    Btw, there wasn't a problem with the boyfriend buying you a drink, that wouldn't bother me at all, its the fact you wanted sex for it.
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    Feb 18, 2010 1:51 PM GMT
    There's not really enough information there. Was he drunk or high? Has this ever happened before? Has he flirted seriously with you before? Have you seen him flirt with other guys? Was he coming on to other guy too that night?
    If it's a one-time thing I would give it a pass. Nobody's perfect. Judge him by his behavior toward your friend. Is he loving and kind to him? He could be a bum or he could be a good guy who slipped up.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Feb 18, 2010 1:54 PM GMT
    Don't tell your friend. He might even already know, and he doesn't need friends interfering with his love life. Maybe they even have an agreement on these types of things. Your friend will find out sooner or later what kind of scum he has for a bf, and you need to be supportive as a friend at that time.

    Other than that, I've never seen a friend appreciate information from another friend about his boyfriend. I know you want to help your friend, but let's face it, friends do not listen to good advice when it comes to the heart. I'm sure the reason he is with this guy in the first place is because he did not listen to good advice.

    You could say that you saw his bf out at the club, and that you wonder why he was out alone. Possibly for a followup question ask your friend how much he trusts his bf. If he gives you a lead-in statement such as "lately, I feel like I can't trust him, and I've heard things from other people" then it might be ok to broach the subject. But don't make it a contest between you and the boyfriend, because the friend will always lose. Just give the information, and let it go.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Feb 18, 2010 2:47 PM GMT
    No you don't tell your friend because then your friend is going to side with his bf because he's going to think you had some hand in this

    But what you DO do ...... is
    tell this guy who came onto you .... I know what you're up to and if you ever do it again or if I get any wind that you're doing it with someone else I'm going to tell your bf about it
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    Feb 18, 2010 6:15 PM GMT
    GQjock saidNo you don't tell your friend because then your friend is going to side with his bf because he's going to think you had some hand in this

    But what you DO do ...... is
    tell this guy who came onto you .... I know what you're up to and if you ever do it again or if I get any wind that you're doing it with someone else I'm going to tell your bf about it
    Exactly what I was going to say. Take a really hard line with this guy, he's a douche bag for putting you in that position. Your friend will more than likely not listen. If you see a pattern and he really is your friend, be very clear about what you know and be ready to either be there for your friend or walk away from the train wreck.
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    Feb 18, 2010 10:37 PM GMT

    Bill and I found out about a situation like this about 12 years ago.

    When our friend found out that his lover had been hitting on all our mutual buddies and not one had told him what was going on he was very upset.

    To make matters worse, our friend's loose partner got away with it for years because none of the buddies were willing to risk loosing their friendship with our friend.

    They lost his friendship anyway when he found out they were all sharing the secret.and that he was the only one in the dark.

    It was at this point we found out what had been going on.

    I could suggest telling the loose caboose man that someone had seen the two of you and overheard his advances on you. I'd also be tempted to say that if he didn't 'fess up to your good friend right away, someone else might.

    BUT I've been in your boots and instead considered the health and well being of a friend ahead of my own wants and needs to maintain that friendship.

    So I spilled the beans beginning with.

    "Your partner hit on me, and if you hate me for telling you, so be it. I care more about you than I do about me."

    Oh he got mad. Didn't speak to me for nearly six months, til he came home and caught his BF necking with some guy from downtown.

    So it's a coin toss. Do what you think is right. None of us know the depth or circumstances surrounding your friendship or the relationship between the two men in question.

    Ugh these things are so complex.

    -Doug of meninlove
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    Feb 18, 2010 10:44 PM GMT
    If the boyfriend ends it with your best friend, he will probably brag about all the things he did behind the others back. Including trying to hook up with you. Then your friend will be pissed that you said nothing.

    You don't want your friend to catch a STD, you don't want him to be Plan B to this guy and wasting his life away with someone who does not care for him. You are in a rough spot, but in this situation you have to put your friend first. Tell him.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Feb 18, 2010 10:50 PM GMT
    In an ideal world, telling your friend would be the right thing to do. But, it could be a no-win situation for you. Your friend might blame you for coming on to his boyfriend and be pissed at you. I say leave it alone, but I'd give the boyfriend a warning -- tell him if he ever tries that again with you or anyone else, that you'll go straight to your friend. Otherwise, I'd keep my distance from that boyfriend.

    If you do get the sense that he's carrying on with other people, too, then I'd go to the friend and tell him that not only have you seen the guy hit on other people, but he made a pass at you.

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    Feb 18, 2010 10:54 PM GMT
    If the guy is cocky enough to try to get with you (who is a direct link to his boyfriend), that probably means he has cheated many times already.

    For your friend's health you should tell him. Your friend will not want to believe it and might take his anger out on you. Just be there for your friend if he still wants to see you.

    Giving an ultimatum to the boyfriend gives the boyfriend too much power. It gives him time to think of a story and a way out.