Depression. Suicidal.


  • Feb 15, 2010 10:05 PM GMT
    About two years ago I was enjoying my first quarter of college. Eighteen years old, a fledgling freshman ready to experience and be captivated by all Bellingham, the city of subdued of excitement, had to offer. The shedding of general post high school angst came quickly to me. I felt like a new engine rolling on through the revision of my life...(I dont even know what that means.)
    Within days, I found a boyfriend. And within weeks, I was single.
    Then within days, I was again off the market. Not even a month passing, my fortune was less luck and gold, and more rape and loss of self esteem. So I stuck with this one. Months later we had promise rings and plans to get a civil union. A year later we got an apartment together. He buys me a locket inscribed with "Love always". Nine months after he graduates, goes to graduate school in Oregon. Three months later I go to study abroad in France; Aix-en-Provence at that. A week after I arrived, I discover that hes been cheating me since he moved there. Its been three weeks since i arrived. I'm a bit pissed that I indirectly sucked craigslist cock...I've had a history of suicidal thought - not to mention cutting myself. I used to call my right arm are bacon because of all the scabs that accrued - and I've tried to commit suicide twice before and twice since I've been here. Every night I dream of dying right at the moment I realize a goal of mine. Being ran over by a train, shot, or being drowned doesn't help my first month in a year of being off antidepressants, which I dont want to take any longer. In all honesty I dont know why i writing this.
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    Feb 16, 2010 2:06 AM GMT
    I'm 25 years old and only a sophmore on college.
    *I have dealt with major depression for over ten years
    *been hospitalized 4 times (~40 days inpatient)
    *tried 12 different types of medication
    *had hundreds of hours of counseling
    *gained 180 pounds
    *cut myself over sixty (60) times
    *had 12 Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT) treatments

    and... tried to commit suicide.



    There is hope.

    You need Some or all of the following (depending on your situtation):

    1. Professional help (therapy)
    2. Medication (psychiatrist)
    3. Social Support (friends & family)
    4. Personal drive and will to live on.

    You don't want to die--you would not have written what you wrote if you did.

    I didn't want to die... but I felt that there was no hope for me--there was... and there is hope for you.

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    Feb 16, 2010 2:19 AM GMT
    Wow, you guys make my cancer therapy look like a walk in the park. I wish I knew something to say to help.
  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Feb 16, 2010 2:23 AM GMT
    Hey dude seriously you'll be okay just talk to your best friend your bestie will help loads!!!!
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Feb 16, 2010 3:24 AM GMT
    The brain is an organ, just like a kidney or a liver, or a pancreas. When people need dialysis or a liver transplant or are diabetic, we feel sorry for them. When their brain fails to function properly though, we blame the person, not the organ. "Mental illness" should be up there with 'retard' or 'nigger' or 'faggot' in our lexicon. When the brain fails to function mechanically there is serious disruption of thought processes, like my mother! She needs a Psychiatrist who can issue drugs that change the brain chemistry and make her normal again if they can come up with a cure for dimentia. I suffer from depression but my illness is more from self esteem issues that revolve around being gay. A psychologist is trained to help me with lots of happy talk and laying on a couch and crying and stuff (me not him, hopefully). They can't prescribe drugs. Your scars suggest that you have some serious problems and I hope you've sought the appropriate medical help.
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    Feb 16, 2010 11:33 PM GMT
    barriehomeboy saidThe brain is an organ, just like a kidney or a liver, or a pancreas. When people need dialysis or a liver transplant or are diabetic, we feel sorry for them. When their brain fails to function properly though, we blame the person, not the organ. "Mental illness" should be up there with 'retard' or 'nigger' or 'faggot' in our lexicon. When the brain fails to function mechanically there is serious disruption of thought processes, like my mother! She needs a Psychiatrist who can issue drugs that change the brain chemistry and make her normal again if they can come up with a cure for dimentia. I suffer from depression but my illness is more from self esteem issues that revolve around being gay. A psychologist is trained to help me with lots of happy talk and laying on a couch and crying and stuff (me not him, hopefully). They can't prescribe drugs. Your scars suggest that you have some serious problems and I hope you've sought the appropriate medical help.


    This. There's still such a stigma when it comes to mental issues. I have a friend who is bipolar. Things were ugly for a while, but he is doing well with medication. Was it his fault? No more so than a person living a healthy lifestyle can be at fault for cancer.

  • Feb 19, 2010 12:31 AM GMT
    I've already went to two different counselors at my school. Both wanted to focus on my occasional pot smoking. So having little confidence in them, I went to a local LGBT program and got an appointment set up to talk with another person. I went there, did the the whole shebang. I didn't feel connected at all with the therapist, so I ended not going again. After that I decided to get a dog. Since then I've stopped getting myself. But other than everything is still the same. Here in France I went to two different different counselors. The english speaking one I got I-got-to-get-my-hair-did-in-an-hour vibe from here. In fact I had the most awkward hair cut of my life as we both had appointments at the same time at the same coiffure... The next one I went to was with a nice portuguese lady. My french sucked so we had to do portuguese. Which is cool by me (france actually is kind of lame. I probably should have went to Brazil. Brazilians kick so much more ass) But other than being a really good practice for my portuguese, I didnt feel like much was going to pass. Basically now I've given up hope on the professional side of it. I've tried various DIY selfhelp things. But all I can say about those is that they are lame. Plus I really dont want to end up on antidepressants again. I felt like something was wrong every time i was about to take one. I've been off of those for about 3 months now. Im never going back to those. Its just that I feel like things are adding up on me.

    I'm not really looking for hope. Hope can kiss it to be honest. Things will right themselves naturally at some point. But in the mean time, I feel so screwed up and i cant do anything about it. I actually haven't left my apartment in over 5 days. I dont stew on my own filth though. No. Instead I get up every morning, take a shower get dressed. Then I think about exiting the door. I get anxious. I start thinking about how bad I look. how down dressed I am compared to them. little things pile up and eventually I'm just crying, and talking to my ex because no one will talk to me. But I probably should get used to that.
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    Feb 19, 2010 12:53 AM GMT
    I wish I could give you a big hug and do something to help. The best I can think to do is to stress that there are a lot of professionals out there that can help. The first two you saw may have sucked but don't give up! Hang in there and things in all likelihood WILL get better.

    Also, I'm sure there are more people than you realize that would be devestated if something happened to you. I recently had a friend try to kill herself - she didn't succeed thank goodness, but it was only after that she realized just how many people would have been absolutely crushed if she succeeded.

    My heart goes out to you - please take good care of yourself.
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    Feb 19, 2010 12:53 AM GMT
    TrainHopping21 saidI've already went to two different counselors at my school. Both wanted to focus on my occasional pot smoking. So having little confidence in them, I went to a local LGBT program and got an appointment set up to talk with another person. I went there, did the the whole shebang. I didn't feel connected at all with the therapist, so I ended not going again. After that I decided to get a dog. Since then I've stopped getting myself. But other than everything is still the same. Here in France I went to two different different counselors. The english speaking one I got I-got-to-get-my-hair-did-in-an-hour vibe from here. In fact I had the most awkward hair cut of my life as we both had appointments at the same time at the same coiffure... The next one I went to was with a nice portuguese lady. My french sucked so we had to do portuguese. Which is cool by me (france actually is kind of lame. I probably should have went to Brazil. Brazilians kick so much more ass) But other than being a really good practice for my portuguese, I didnt feel like much was going to pass. Basically now I've given up hope on the professional side of it. I've tried various DIY selfhelp things. But all I can say about those is that they are lame. Plus I really dont want to end up on antidepressants again. I felt like something was wrong every time i was about to take one. I've been off of those for about 3 months now. Im never going back to those. Its just that I feel like things are adding up on me.

    I'm not really looking for hope. Hope can kiss it to be honest. Things will right themselves naturally at some point. But in the mean time, I feel so screwed up and i cant do anything about it. I actually haven't left my apartment in over 5 days. I dont stew on my own filth though. No. Instead I get up every morning, take a shower get dressed. Then I think about exiting the door. I get anxious. I start thinking about how bad I look. how down dressed I am compared to them. little things pile up and eventually I'm just crying, and talking to my ex because no one will talk to me. But I probably should get used to that.


    You tried two therapists... and??

    Try again with someone else.

    And maybe meds are not for you... but who prescribed them to you, and how many different medications and medication types did you try? Are you diagnosed with a mental illness?

    You seem very smart--that's enough worth fighting for.

    And take good care of that dog.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Mar 02, 2010 6:23 PM GMT
    Look I'm glad that you're writing this and all
    But you know that you have issues that go way back
    Whether or not you relate to any given therapist is really besides the point
    The point is that you need one
    I'm not saying that because I'm trying to put you down
    but there is a reason that you are cutting yourself
    There is a reason why you think about suicide
    I wish you only the best in this but you are very young
    You don't need this to be literally hanging over your head for the rest of your life
    You will need someone who is capable of providing for you comprehensive care
    That means therapy and
    medication
    one without the other is much less likely to work

  • Mar 16, 2010 3:43 AM GMT
    @conscienti: psychiatrist. celexa.

    @ GQjock...fat chance, lady.

    Man, has anyone not tried to wear black everday in France? I swear this whatever is up with me and this daily funeral merde has to stop...
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    May 18, 2010 3:07 AM GMT
    back in high school i used to cut my arm and chest up with a shard of glass i have the old scars to prove it, sometimes i do still feel suicidal cuz there are days where i just want someone to love and to hold and fall asleep with at night, id just love the feeling of a guys arms around me sometime
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    May 18, 2010 3:15 AM GMT
    Psychiatrists can't hand over your will to thrive or motivation to live. It's in you, somewhere, and this may sound like a useless crock but you need to figure out how to pull it out of you yourself.

    I'm my worst enemy. Damned if I'm gonna let that motherfucker win. Damned.

  • May 18, 2010 3:18 AM GMT
    Suicide is never the answer...I had a ex boyfriend who committed suicide shortly after we broke up to be blunt, he blew his brains out. If I could tell him anything right now is that there were always people who loved him and cared about him deeply. I sat outside his bathroom door when we were together and talked him out of suicide. He then sought out a therapist but this was short lived. He had other issues as well. His adoptive parents to this day are still racked with guilt due to his suicide. Please please please if you feel depressed talk to anyone a friend or someone you can confide in. Like the others have said keep looking for a therapist...Keep your chin up and know that all of us are here to answer your posts should you need a shoulder or some words of advice. We are not counselors and I don't know if I speak for everyone but you have friends.
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    May 18, 2010 3:20 AM GMT
    bigkevc saidback in high school i used to cut my arm and chest up with a shard of glass i have the old scars to prove it, sometimes i do still feel suicidal cuz there are days where i just want someone to love and to hold and fall asleep with at night, id just love the feeling of a guys arms around me sometime

    Doesnt that cutting hurt? ...icon_eek.gif
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    May 18, 2010 3:24 AM GMT
    Caslon14000 said
    bigkevc saidback in high school i used to cut my arm and chest up with a shard of glass i have the old scars to prove it, sometimes i do still feel suicidal cuz there are days where i just want someone to love and to hold and fall asleep with at night, id just love the feeling of a guys arms around me sometime

    Doesnt that cutting hurt? ...icon_eek.gif



    it does hurt
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    May 18, 2010 3:35 AM GMT
    Caslon14000 said
    bigkevc saidback in high school i used to cut my arm and chest up with a shard of glass i have the old scars to prove it, sometimes i do still feel suicidal cuz there are days where i just want someone to love and to hold and fall asleep with at night, id just love the feeling of a guys arms around me sometime

    Doesnt that cutting hurt? ...icon_eek.gif


    That's usually why people cut. They often feel so numb, that the cutting is a way to remind themselves that they are alive. It's usually done in secret and can represent many, many, many things to the person who cuts.


    As for the thread opener... as someone who works in the Mental Health field, I urge you to go see a psychiatrist, a psychologist, a counselor... anyone who can be of support to you.

    You have to believe that you will be ok, that your life WILL go on no matter what- and just hold onto that hope until things get better. When you are in the middle of a terrible depression, it's so hard to see past the pain. But I assure you that with the help and support of others, you will get through this. Drug therapy may help any problems your physical body has in regulating your mood. Psychotherapy (talk therapy etc) will help you explore your feelings and help you learn to contain your emotions and deal with them so that you dont always feel depressed and suicidal.

    One thing you might want to consider is if your mood was markedly better when you were on the anti-depressants? I know no one wants to be 'dependent' on them, but if you are suicidal now, you are better off taking a pill and feeling better about yourself and your life. Everyone has issues, and millions upon millions of people take medication for depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues. Please try not to feel shame in it.

    There is help out there, and if you need help obtaining a referral or finding an appropriate therapist or doctor, i'd be glad to try to help you out.

    All the best.
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    May 18, 2010 3:41 AM GMT
    TrainHopping21 saidAbout two years ago I was enjoying my first quarter of college. Eighteen years old, a fledgling freshman ready to experience and be captivated by all Bellingham, the city of subdued of excitement, had to offer. The shedding of general post high school angst came quickly to me. I felt like a new engine rolling on through the revision of my life...(I dont even know what that means.)
    Within days, I found a boyfriend. And within weeks, I was single.
    Then within days, I was again off the market. Not even a month passing, my fortune was less luck and gold, and more rape and loss of self esteem. So I stuck with this one. Months later we had promise rings and plans to get a civil union. A year later we got an apartment together. He buys me a locket inscribed with "Love always". Nine months after he graduates, goes to graduate school in Oregon. Three months later I go to study abroad in France; Aix-en-Provence at that. A week after I arrived, I discover that hes been cheating me since he moved there. Its been three weeks since i arrived. I'm a bit pissed that I indirectly sucked craigslist cock...I've had a history of suicidal thought - not to mention cutting myself. I used to call my right arm are bacon because of all the scabs that accrued - and I've tried to commit suicide twice before and twice since I've been here. Every night I dream of dying right at the moment I realize a goal of mine. Being ran over by a train, shot, or being drowned doesn't help my first month in a year of being off antidepressants, which I dont want to take any longer. In all honesty I dont know why i writing this.



    i bet your a very nice person, youll find someone who will love you and keep you safe in his arms!
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    May 18, 2010 3:49 AM GMT
    Wow man, I can't believe you're going through this shit. I hope things improve and if you're ever feeling shitty give a friend a call or IM one of the guys on here. Sounds like you could use a good support system.
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    May 19, 2010 12:22 AM GMT
    Lots of helpful info in the Suicide and Violence Help Thread.