“Actually, I play for the other team…”

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 16, 2008 2:03 AM GMT
    As a few of you guys already know, I’ve decided to start telling some of my close friends that I’m gay. I’ve come this far on my own, but I now I need a bit of help. You see, it never seems to be the right time, or I find it difficult to actually say “Oh by the way, I’m gay”… so I guess that I’m looking for some advice on how to actually deliver the news. If some of you guys could share how you have done it in the past, I would appreciate it.

    Or you could just tell me to stop being a pussy and just DO IT; it doesn’t matter in the grand scope, right?

    Or you could tell me to never come out, it is not worth it.

    It doesn’t matter; I just want some feedback and/or some ideas.

    Thanks!!!
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    Jan 16, 2008 2:08 AM GMT
    just be upfront. Tell them you have something to say and that you can't stand being dishonest with them about your life and that you hope they will stand beside you regardless but that you are gay. So I guess I would just fall under the "just do it" category.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 16, 2008 2:37 AM GMT
    I would make it personal to each person. Kinda like ...hey, there is something I want you to know about me.

    Each person will feel special. Each will be in his own space to react to the information.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 16, 2008 2:55 AM GMT
    If they are your close friends, chances are they already know or at least suspect. I found it best to tell them individually and in private. Make it simple and brie and ask them if they have any questions.
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    Jan 16, 2008 3:20 AM GMT
    Also, this is a good time to hit them up for a contribution for you new wardrobe of lame, sequined, and feather outfits.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 16, 2008 3:36 AM GMT
    Caslon saidAlso, this is a good time to hit them up for a contribution for you new wardrobe of lame, sequined, and feather outfits.


    this, anything to start your embarassing lycra jumpsuit fund is a go for me.
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    Jan 16, 2008 4:17 AM GMT
    Actually, I've spent years saving up for these sweet pink Ray Bans and some really nice feather boas in anticipation of my coming out, but I guess I can spare some funds on lycra and lame, sequined, and feather outfits....


    But seriously guys, thanks for the input, I appreciate it!
  • Artesin

    Posts: 482

    Jan 16, 2008 5:35 AM GMT
    Well you could take the serious and intimate approach by telling them you need to talk or tell one friend and have them bleed the information, but that is taking the bitch way out however it saves a lot of time and hassle.
  • geebus

    Posts: 216

    Jan 16, 2008 5:41 AM GMT
    Hey Wyo, I think I'm exactly in the same situation as you. Apart from the couple of guys on here, no one I already know knows.
    I'm going to tell my older brother first (well, soon anyway), whom as much as I trust him, will inform my parents.
    Then I'll just tell one friend and tell them "not to tell anyone" which is pretty much the cue to spread the word...trsutworthy frineds huh?
  • Artesin

    Posts: 482

    Jan 16, 2008 5:54 AM GMT
    UNless your job is in danger or you run the risk of being jumped by 10 guys coming out shouldn't be placed so high on the pedestal. Just jump headlong and tell everyone, what is there to fear ? A bit of pointless ridicule here and there, seriously what's that gonna do ? Damage your pride so much so that it turns into a blood splattered heap in the back of your mind ?
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jan 16, 2008 11:59 AM GMT
    You don't need a sandwich sign sayin that ...
    Oh BTW did you know I'm gay?

    But you need to tell the people closest to you
    I don't know who that is ... only you will know
    It might be your family and it might be your closest friends but sit them down and say that you have something important to tell them

    everybody else it doesn't matter if you tell them or not
  • Warren

    Posts: 99

    Jan 16, 2008 12:13 PM GMT
    The first one is always the hardest, at least in my experience. Once you have told one or two people, it gets easier. Took me 45 min to eventually tell my best friend I was gay when I took her out for that purpose. Took me 1 minute with three of my college friends after that. Just doing it is what's most important.
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    Jan 16, 2008 12:15 PM GMT
    I'm surprised that no one has mentioned the traditional route: tasteful engraved cards in the mail.

    "Mr. John Smith
    is delighted to announce
    that in actuality,
    despite what you may have been led to believe,
    He really likes dick.
    Reception to be held at 7 o'clock
    At the following seedy homosexual watering hole:
    ____________________"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 16, 2008 12:17 PM GMT
    For some, coming out is a huge deal and rather scary. For others, not so much. For me, it was one of the hardest things I've had to do because there were certain people in my life that I had no clue about how they'd react... and those happened to be the select few people I really cared about.

    Most of my friends, once I told them, knew already. Most of them were supportive... as was my mom... some friends and quite a few of my other relatives, not so much supportive as instantly ready to "save my soul" by dragging me to the nearest church or verbally beating me about the head with insults. Those people were promptly extracted from my life and kicked directly to the curb, where they remain.

    The way I told most of my friends was to tell each of them individually, usually by saying something like "look, I really value your friendship and I feel I have to be completely honest with you..." and then casually said that I'm gay. Usually they said "I know. So what?" and then the subject was dropped.

    However you do it, good luck! icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 16, 2008 12:33 PM GMT
    I'm older than you, Wyo, but I still remember telling my best friend. That was back when we were your age. I was home on leave from the Air Force and I took him out to our favorite bar and told him how much I valued our friendship and that I had to be honest with him. After a few, I just told him I was gay. He seemed confused and he kind of wanted to leave, so we did.

    I was going back to my base the next day and he called me to say he was sorry he reacted that way and that we were still best friends. So it goes to show you may not always get immediate positive reactions even from those closest to you. But they will come around once they realize they love you for you. You are still the same person.

    Funny thing about this story is the next time I came home on leave, he told me he was gay too! So who knows what you'll find out as you do the big reveal.

    But once you start, it does get easier as was mentioned above. Although, you are never finished coming out. As you meet new people its up to you if and when you will tell each one of them. It never stops. A book I read recently that helped and made a lot of sense was "The Way Out" by Christopher Nutter. I'd really recommend it. Really helps explain not just how to do it, but why its good for you and your soul.

    Good luck.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jan 17, 2008 1:36 AM GMT
    I was never one for making a production out of it. I just let it happen as it happened.

    One example, I was out on campus with a straight friend and he pointed a girl and asked "What do you think of her? She your type?" and I said "No, but that guy she's with is pretty hot."
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    Jan 17, 2008 1:45 AM GMT
    jprichva saidI'm surprised that no one has mentioned the traditional route: tasteful engraved cards in the mail.

    "Mr. John Smith
    is delighted to announce
    that in actuality,
    despite what you may have been led to believe,
    He really likes dick.
    Reception to be held at 7 o'clock
    At the following seedy homosexual watering hole:
    ____________________"



    LOL -

    That is great, I actually knew someone who did that.

    Had a huge 'I'm Coming Out' party and sent out about a hundred engraved invitations.

    Good party.

    LOL
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 17, 2008 4:03 AM GMT
    Tell someone with a big mouth, and all the work will soon be done for you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 17, 2008 4:19 AM GMT
    Hey guys, thanks again for all the ideas and help (and the laughs too!)

    It is interesting to hear both from people that have been out for years and those that are in the same situation as me.

    I think that most of my friends will be cool with it, but I'm a bit worried about my Dad; he's pretty homophobic. I have a really great relationship with him right now, and I really don't want that to change.

    I almost told a friend last night... but I just couldn't seem to say "I'm gay." Those two words, as SockMonkey mentioned, are way harder to say than I thought they would be!


    Maybe I'll just declare myself as g0y... that's probably a lot easier to say than gay. I'll miss out on certain aspects of the full gay experience, but who said frottage wasn't fun?



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 17, 2008 4:21 AM GMT
    Oh, by the way:

    In light of my recent declaration of g0y-ness, I'm changing my screen name to wy0lifter....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 17, 2008 4:28 AM GMT
    The first time I came out to a friend, I didn't breathe, pause, or break in the sentence. I feel like the momentum kind of helped. (I was afraid if I did take a breath, I wouldn't start again.) I guess it went something like this:

    "So I wanted you to know that I consider you my best friend and so I wanted to tell you something that I haven't told anyone else because I really value your friendship and that is that I'm gay."

    Honestly, the first two words are the hardest, then you just ride the wave.

    Here's a little more practical advice. If there's a certain place that you associate with someone (and your friendship), try doing it there. For me, I drug my friend out to the spillway nearby (in the middle of winter) and we froze our asses off while we looked at the water falling and I revealed my secret. Your closest friends will feel honored that you value them enough to tell them in person.

    Good luck! You're at a very exciting, stressful, and terrifying time in your life. If all goes well, in a year or so, you want even be able to imagine what it was like to be in the closet (which is definitely a good feeling).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 17, 2008 4:29 AM GMT
    WyoLifter saidOh, by the way:

    In light of my recent declaration of g0y-ness, I'm changing my screen name to wy0lifter....


    Just be prepared...when you tell people you're guh-zero they're likely to respond with "gesundheit"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 17, 2008 4:33 AM GMT
    LMAO jprichva.... after spending hours wading through the seemingly immortal g0y thread, I couldn't resist!
  • ep83

    Posts: 144

    Jan 17, 2008 4:37 AM GMT
    As long as you aren't trying to deny anything there's no reason for you to say "I'm gay" in those exact words. When I told my best friend, first person I came out to, we were in a conversation about relationships and I was dropping some major hints that he wasn't picking up on. Finally I got frustrated and said "David, I'm not interested in girls." He got the point. After that it got much easier to say "I'm gay."
  • imperator

    Posts: 626

    Jan 17, 2008 5:43 AM GMT
    My favourite way of advising people to come out is to call your most gossipy friend first. Arrange to meet them at 3 PM and give yourself one hour to have the whole "I have something to tell you / I'm gay / I've wanted to share the truth and be honest for so long / blah blah blah / etc etc" talk. Arrange to meet your closest, truest friend(s) (though hopefully this be include the same gossipy friend) at 4:15 and when you see them act all freaked out at first, be like "oh my god, you guys have to help me, I killed someone-- or I think I killed them, I hit them with my car and I was so panicked that I left them there in the ditch!" Make a really good show of it, get 'em all whipped up, then say "no, no, calm down, I'm just kidding. No, seriously, I didn't, I'm NOT a murderer... But I *am* gay." They'll be so relieved that you aren't on the run for vehicular homicide that the gay thing will be no big deal.

    Plus, by the time you get home from that meeting with you good, close friends, the gossipy 3 o'clock friend will have told *everyone* else. Some of them might bail on you-- good riddance, frankly-- and some of them will be totally cool. Plus, the ones who deserve promotions will be the ones who call you up and say "so So'n'So is telling everyone you're gay. Is that true? I'm cool with it if you are, but you should know s/he's outing you like you're a Republican senator entrapped in an airport toilet." Because not only are they cool with it, but they're letting you know that your gossipy friend is a vile gossip (which gives you a good reason to drop the next day if you've been looking for some excuse).

    I call it the "Machiavellian Coming-out Strategem" because it brings your not-so-good friends close, your good friends closer, and then purges your not-so-good friends like it's Stalinist Russia.