A pattern hard to break

  • oursirpeace

    Posts: 199

    Feb 17, 2010 6:21 AM GMT
    I started seeing guys when I was 22, 23, now I'm 26 and still haven't had a "relationship" that lasted more than a few dates. The reason why I feel like posting this is that tonight I messaged a guy I fooled around with last week and got no response from him which made me kinda sad even tho I saw it coming, this made me realize how much I really want a bf/relationship not just sex. I tried to justify my casual sex dating behavior with a friend when we went out this past weekend by making it sound like it's my choice to have fun along the way until I find someone long-term but he and I both knew I'm miserable and really just want a relationship.

    I mostly meet guys online. Each time I fooled around or had sex or even just met with someone I liked (I usually don't go all the way the first time tho), there was that little hope that it would become something more. And each time my post-date text or call didn't get a response I felt like that somebody blew that little spark of hope and I'm getting more and more hopeless. And yes I did try gay social groups or sports club, I didn't stick around very long for some reason probably because I thought it would take forever to find someone or the guys are usually too old for me. That's when I went back online again trying to look for some kind quick fix way by looking for casual dates in hopes that it would turn into something more when I know full well it rarely happens but I'm just too impatient. Now I find myself stuck in this pattern of looking for love out of casual sex dates... I'm probably just not cut out to have casual encounters but I'm a sexual person at the same time. Dilemmas.... Putting yourself out there is easier said than done, and who's to say I won't get as much discouragement from guys at bars or other social gatherings as I do online? I'm not a bad looking guy at all, people who know I'm gay are always surprised to learn I have never had a bf, and I usually act all tough and say I'm just too "picky". When I first started seeing guys several years ago I thought everything would fall into places and never thought it would be so stressful, up to this point I still have no idea what the hell I'm doing.

    Funny the things you share with a bunch of strangers online, I've never told my friends anything this private.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 17, 2010 3:06 PM GMT
    Sounds like it's time to grow up, quit hiding, and do some things right by yourself, and others, and quit being a tramp.

    If you don't like it, then, do something about it. There are plenty of us here that have lives that are honest, open, virtuous, with healthy relationships.

    You're just being a whiner, and are too scared, too lazy, too dumb, to take action. You'll need to take action if you'd like the situation to change.

    Until you can be honest, with yourself, and with others, and like yourself, you'll have a life that isn't quite right. You'll have to fix that, too.

    Healthy, normal, well-adjusted, folks don't lead lives of self-loathing, dishonesty, dysfunctional relationships.

    You have your work cut out for you.

    First, you need to get pictured and profiled, and start being honest. Your life shouldn't be hindered by, nor revolve around, your sexual preferences. You've got all your stuff all messed up at the moment. You need to begin a de-fucking process, and get all this baggage dealt with before you can expect meaningful relationships.

    No decent person wants to be involved with a self-loathing closet case that can't come to terms with who he his. That's just the facts.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19128

    Feb 17, 2010 3:10 PM GMT
    You yourself called this behavior a "Pattern". The pattern isn't working. Try something different.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Feb 17, 2010 3:17 PM GMT
    You can't have it all. For most guys when they are in 'get laid' mode, they aren't looking for any more than that. Having an expectation of something else coming out of it isn't realistic.
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    Feb 17, 2010 3:51 PM GMT
    chuckystud saidSounds like it's time to grow up, quit hiding, and do some things right by yourself, and others, and quit being a tramp.

    If you don't like it, then, do something about it. There are plenty of us here that have lives that are honest, open, virtuous, with healthy relationships.

    You're just being a whiner, and are too scared, too lazy, too dumb, to take action. You'll need to take action if you'd like the situation to change.

    Until you can be honest, with yourself, and with others, and like yourself, you'll have a life that isn't quite right. You'll have to fix that, too.

    Healthy, normal, well-adjusted, folks don't lead lives of self-loathing, dishonesty, dysfunctional relationships.

    You have your work cut out for you.

    First, you need to get pictured and profiled, and start being honest. Your life shouldn't be hindered by, nor revolve around, your sexual preferences. You've got all your stuff all messed up at the moment. You need to begin a de-fucking process, and get all this baggage dealt with before you can expect meaningful relationships.

    No decent person wants to be involved with a self-loathing closet case that can't come to terms with who he his. That's just the facts.


    You know Chucky, I have many choice words for what you have replied with. You can most certainly be honest, open, virtuous, and healthy while single and having more than one casual sex partner... It is truly offensive to me that just because he is a single young man who has more than one sex partner, you decide he is not a virtuous person. And the fact that youve told him his first step is to get pictured? Is that really part of his healing process?
  • BuckeyeJock13

    Posts: 44

    Feb 17, 2010 3:52 PM GMT
    This is a situation I think a lot of us have been in at some point I know I've been there. It does seem you may be trying too hard to find a boyfriend and most of the time that doesn't work. Guys tend to be turned off if you come on too strong. Whether you realize it or not, if you have this level of frustration where you are willing to post about it to strangers then most likely are are giving off that same vibe when meeting guys. It also does sound like you may be going to far sexually way to early when hanging out with a guy. There is nothing wrong with sex, but if you are having sex the first time meeting then you may have satisfied the physical desire, but not the emotional. At that point it is sex and nothing more. If the guy likes you and you like him, then wait. Guys like a challenge. You also mentioned trying social gatherings and sports clubs. These are a great way to meet friends who share similar interests as yourself. However, if you are joining these groups in hopes of finding a boyfriend, then I think you are getting involved for the wrong reason. My advice is to relax, concentrate on yourself, stop "looking" and when you do go on a date, enjoy it and slow it down if you have an interest beyond the physical.
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    Feb 17, 2010 3:58 PM GMT
    My own personal opinion, is that you cannot hope to turn sex into a relationship. If you go on one date with a guy, and give it up on the first date, in my experience it is truly the mark of death for that relationship. You need to keep the mystery alive, keep the blood boiling! So for now, if you go on dates I would not let anything sexual happen more than a kiss.

    You mention that you have been feeling empty with your casual sex lifestyle, but that you are a sexual person and its been tough to leave that behind. There is nothing wrong with having casual sex, but if you do feel hurt by it, it might be best to take a break for now and examine why you feel so empty. And if you are horny, you have two hands God gave you icon_razz.gif lol

    I just want to say that you are not the only one who has these feelings, and I think we find what we are looking for when we aren't looking at all. It sounds like youve got all the right ideas in your head, you just need help getting on that path. Use your friends as support and go with your heart!
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    Feb 17, 2010 4:08 PM GMT
    chuckystud saidSounds like it's time to grow up, quit hiding, and do some things right by yourself, and others, and quit being a tramp.

    If you don't like it, then, do something about it. There are plenty of us here that have lives that are honest, open, virtuous, with healthy relationships.

    You're just being a whiner, and are too scared, too lazy, too dumb, to take action. You'll need to take action if you'd like the situation to change.

    Until you can be honest, with yourself, and with others, and like yourself, you'll have a life that isn't quite right. You'll have to fix that, too.

    Healthy, normal, well-adjusted, folks don't lead lives of self-loathing, dishonesty, dysfunctional relationships.

    You have your work cut out for you.

    First, you need to get pictured and profiled, and start being honest. Your life shouldn't be hindered by, nor revolve around, your sexual preferences. You've got all your stuff all messed up at the moment. You need to begin a de-fucking process, and get all this baggage dealt with before you can expect meaningful relationships.

    No decent person wants to be involved with a self-loathing closet case that can't come to terms with who he his. That's just the facts.


    This is a perfect example of tough love. He's right. Stop doing what you're doing if it's not working. Post pictures. Go to bars and clubs. Meet people elsewhere than the internet. Oh, and stop having sex on the first date. If you don't want just sex, don't DO it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 17, 2010 4:10 PM GMT
    oursirpeace saidI started seeing guys when I was 22, 23, now I'm 26 and still haven't had a "relationship" that lasted more than a few dates. The reason why I feel like posting this is that tonight I messaged a guy I fooled around with last week and got no response from him which made me kinda sad even tho I saw it coming, this made me realize how much I really want a bf/relationship not just sex. I tried to justify my casual sex dating behavior with a friend when we went out this past weekend by making it sound like it's my choice to have fun along the way until I find someone long-term but he and I both knew I'm miserable and really just want a relationship.

    I mostly meet guys online. Each time I fooled around or had sex or even just met with someone I liked (I usually don't go all the way the first time tho), there was that little hope that it would become something more. And each time my post-date text or call didn't get a response I felt like that somebody blew that little spark of hope and I'm getting more and more hopeless. And yes I did try gay social groups or sports club, I didn't stick around very long for some reason probably because I thought it would take forever to find someone or the guys are usually too old for me. That's when I went back online again trying to look for some kind quick fix way by looking for casual dates in hopes that it would turn into something more when I know full well it rarely happens but I'm just too impatient. Now I find myself stuck in this pattern of looking for love out of casual sex dates... I'm probably just not cut out to have casual encounters but I'm a sexual person at the same time. Dilemmas.... Putting yourself out there is easier said than done, and who's to say I won't get as much discouragement from guys at bars or other social gatherings as I do online? I'm not a bad looking guy at all, people who know I'm gay are always surprised to learn I have never had a bf, and I usually act all tough and say I'm just too "picky". When I first started seeing guys several years ago I thought everything would fall into places and never thought it would be so stressful, up to this point I still have no idea what the hell I'm doing.

    Funny the things you share with a bunch of strangers online, I've never told my friends anything this private.


    My inference: why do you feel as though YOU need to be someone ELSE's quick fix? Start by posting pictures and some info about yourself. Give people the opportunity to approach you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 17, 2010 6:10 PM GMT
    Boy_Vegas said
    chuckystud saidSounds like it's time to grow up, quit hiding, and do some things right by yourself, and others, and quit being a tramp.

    If you don't like it, then, do something about it. There are plenty of us here that have lives that are honest, open, virtuous, with healthy relationships.

    You're just being a whiner, and are too scared, too lazy, too dumb, to take action. You'll need to take action if you'd like the situation to change.

    Until you can be honest, with yourself, and with others, and like yourself, you'll have a life that isn't quite right. You'll have to fix that, too.

    Healthy, normal, well-adjusted, folks don't lead lives of self-loathing, dishonesty, dysfunctional relationships.

    You have your work cut out for you.

    First, you need to get pictured and profiled, and start being honest. Your life shouldn't be hindered by, nor revolve around, your sexual preferences. You've got all your stuff all messed up at the moment. You need to begin a de-fucking process, and get all this baggage dealt with before you can expect meaningful relationships.

    No decent person wants to be involved with a self-loathing closet case that can't come to terms with who he his. That's just the facts.


    You know Chucky, I have many choice words for what you have replied with. You can most certainly be honest, open, virtuous, and healthy while single and having more than one casual sex partner... It is truly offensive to me that just because he is a single young man who has more than one sex partner, you decide he is not a virtuous person. And the fact that youve told him his first step is to get pictured? Is that really part of his healing process?


    Little One, there's not a healing process here. You don't understand, but, it's a maturation process.

    Here's a rule you can take to the bank:
    If you don't like the way things are then quit doing things the way you are. It's just that simple. No healing. No drama. No excuses. You change the things that need changing.

    In life, Little One, we shape our destinies. Usually, things worth having require that we we walk into, above, and beyond, our comfort zones. Sports teaches that. The military teaches that. Good business men know that. Folks who WIN know that.

    Any good athlete, especially one who has had surgery, knows that if you coddle a weak part, it only grows weaker, but, if you go into the gym, and train through the pain, it will get stronger, and no longer hold you back, and will allow you to advance to the next level. When it's stronger than before, you can advance to the next higher level. Life is like that, too.

    Until the poster summons the courage to admit to the world who he is, what he is, and how he wants to live, it will forever handicap him. The first step in that integrity is getting the picture and being online, and saying "This is who I am, and, I like myself." Incremental steps, towards being whole.

    Sorry you're having trouble.
  • Kyboy270

    Posts: 30

    Feb 17, 2010 9:50 PM GMT
    I agree that younger guys (myself included) need to listen to our predecessors. You can't teach experience and if you think you know better than them, you got a lot to learn.

    oursirpeace, I sympathize. I'm 29 and just learning that sex on the first date is unlikely to lead to anything else (although I'm still not sure I understand why...).

    I wouldn't discount the internet as a way to meet people, but going out more often might be a way to learn how to talk to guys. I'm going through this myself. Been going to the same bar the past three weekends and every time, something different has happened, and I've learned something new each week. You learn how to figure out what a guy is looking for by talking in person, plus you eliminate some of the questions that come with meeting people online.

    Good luck, and don't let yourself get down, you've just got to be patient.