Monogamy?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 17, 2010 4:01 PM GMT
    So I have a boyfriend now, for almost a month and I love him dearly. My one problem is that I'm not sure I believe in monogamy (now that I'm committed, it makes me want to explore things, knowing that I have someone with whom I can explore). I've told him this and he understands, but he disagrees. Any advice? This is my first relationship. Thanks.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Feb 17, 2010 4:07 PM GMT
    Do you not believe in monogamy because you don't like the idea of the restrictions it would place on you? or because you don't think you could not be with just one person?

    When you say 'explore things' what do you mean? threesomes or group play? S&M?
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    Feb 17, 2010 4:12 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidDo you not believe in monogamy because you don't like the idea of the restrictions it would place on you? or because you don't think you could not be with just one person?

    When you say 'explore things' what do you mean? threesomes or group play? S&M?


    Is there such thing as open monogamy? Haha... but seriously I think I would feel restricted (strange considering how rarely I do anything with anyone). I guess now that I've found that emotional bond, I want to explore physical things as well... it's hard to explain.
  • Timbales

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    Feb 17, 2010 5:23 PM GMT
    It's understandable. I know I would feel more comfortable doing something unusual if my bf was there.

    There are couples who have a 'play together only' rule and it's not their usual mode of sex.
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    Feb 17, 2010 7:44 PM GMT
    Just my opinion, but if you're questioning your thoughts on monogamy after just a month with this guy, it may not be destined for eternity.

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    Feb 17, 2010 7:47 PM GMT
    Bornonthecusp saidJust my opinion, but if you're questioning your thoughts on monogamy after just a month with this guy, it may not be destined for eternity.



    i tend to think the opposite. not being sure about monogamy with someone after only one month seems perfectly natural. if you're serious, have a talk about dating exclusively and, after you've been with only him for a while more, you'll both probably have a better grasp on where you want the relationship to head.
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    Feb 17, 2010 7:50 PM GMT
    tallhairy said
    Bornonthecusp saidJust my opinion, but if you're questioning your thoughts on monogamy after just a month with this guy, it may not be destined for eternity.



    i tend to think the opposite. not being sure about monogamy with someone after only one month seems perfectly natural. if you're serious, have a talk about dating exclusively and, after you've been with only him for a while more, you'll both probably have a better grasp on where you want the relationship to head.


    Thanks I really appreciate all the advice... I really enjoy being with him, in every sense. But I feel like now that I have someone, I can be more free to explore, since I have someone with whom I can explore. Make sense?
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    Feb 17, 2010 7:52 PM GMT
    Bornonthecusp saidJust my opinion, but if you're questioning your thoughts on monogamy after just a month with this guy, it may not be destined for eternity.




    Really, he's holding most of the cards here. If he wants a monogamous relationship, you only have two choices: Stick with him and don't cheat; or find someone else who is willing to explore with you.

    Did you explain to him why you want to explore different things with him and other people?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 17, 2010 7:59 PM GMT
    i tend to think the opposite. not being sure about monogamy with someone after only one month seems perfectly natural. if you're serious, have a talk about dating exclusively and, after you've been with only him for a while more, you'll both probably have a better grasp on where you want the relationship to head.

    Actually, you make a good point. I was speaking subjectively. It was five years into a long-term relationship that started with real head-over-heels love at first sight for both of us before I started to wonder if I was losing out ...

    Were I to take a more "conservative" approach to "dating". I might think differently. But then you run the danger of becoming overly rational, forgetting what romance is and the whole serial dating thing becomes like an all-you-can eat buffet where you're full but can't single out a dish that was especially overwhelming.

    Bottom line, if I was really, seriously attracted to someone, had seen them reasonably regularly for a month, and the feeling was reciprocated, then no other guy would get a look in.
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    Feb 17, 2010 7:59 PM GMT
    djdorchester saidReally, he's holding most of the cards here. If he wants a monogamous relationship, you only have two choices: Stick with him and don't cheat; or find someone else who is willing to explore with you.

    *what he said*
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    Feb 17, 2010 8:00 PM GMT
    Your my new hero! LOL!! I dont get it. And such a lame excuse some guys have thinking we are not wired to be monogomous. If your sex life is that boring Id question myself or my partner. And any guy who's looking and IN a LTR... he's got the "grass is alway's" greener syndrome. Run, and run fast!

    Anyone need lessons in bedroom adventure... they come with experience, and Im a great teacher! icon_lol.gif

    Bornonthecusp saidJust my opinion, but if you're questioning your thoughts on monogamy after just a month with this guy, it may not be destined for eternity.

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    Feb 17, 2010 8:03 PM GMT
    I know this is off topic but your profile says you never misspell yet the thread's heading reads "monogomy?" lol
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    Feb 17, 2010 8:03 PM GMT
    Brandon112586 said
    tallhairy said
    Bornonthecusp saidJust my opinion, but if you're questioning your thoughts on monogamy after just a month with this guy, it may not be destined for eternity.



    i tend to think the opposite. not being sure about monogamy with someone after only one month seems perfectly natural. if you're serious, have a talk about dating exclusively and, after you've been with only him for a while more, you'll both probably have a better grasp on where you want the relationship to head.


    Thanks I really appreciate all the advice... I really enjoy being with him, in every sense. But I feel like now that I have someone, I can be more free to explore, since I have someone with whom I can explore. Make sense?


    there are all kinds of relationships. if he wants to explore along with you then that's great. but i rarely meet couples who go down that road and then later decide, "nah, let's just be monogamous." maybe they're out there though. who knows.
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    Feb 17, 2010 8:04 PM GMT
    seeker213 saidI know this is off topic but your profile says you never misspell yet the thread's heading reads "monogomy?" lol


    CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!
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    Feb 17, 2010 8:08 PM GMT
    Unnatural
    Many authors criticize lifelong sexual monogamy as unnatural and unrealistic. They contend that humans have never been a sexually monogamous species, and that cultural expectations of sexual monogamy place enormous burdens on individuals to fulfill all the sexual needs of their partners. These expectations are quite unrealistic given how much variety exists in people's sexual desires and sex drives. In addition, sexual desires and sex drives can change over time due to circumstances (e.g., periods of high stress or poor health) and due to normal aging (e.g., changes in hormonal levels). Loving partners can find themselves mismatched in terms of their current sexual desires or sex drives. The failure to live up to unrealistic expectations of lifelong sexual monogamy causes people needless suffering.

    "Currently, monogamy is the only lovestyle style considered legitimate by our culture, even though the evidence clearly indicates that humans are not monogamous by nature. The reality is that the majority of husbands and wives have extramarital affairs and often get divorced as a result. In fact, one form of polygamy, often called serial monogamy, is now the most common form of relationship found in our culture. But divorce and remarriage are extremely stressful for children as well as their parents. Might there not be a better way? "

    "Monogamous couples are completely dependent on each other for affection and sex; and many become dissatisfied due to sexual incompatibilities, differences in level or frequency of sex, boredom with their sexual patterns. When they feel strong sexual attractions towards others they must repress these feelings or end their current relationship in order to have sex with someone else. Many complain bitterly that although they love their spouse and feel strongly attracted to him or her, the spouse doesn't want sex frequently enough or does not enjoy the same sexual activities. This leaves one partner always wanting more sex or more variety in sexual practices, and the other always feeling pressured for sex, often resulting in one partner having secret affairs with other lovers to fulfill their sexual needs.

    Research supports the claim that lifelong sexual monogamy is unnatural and unrealistic. Biologists have strong evidence that social monogamy is rare among animals, and that sexual monogamy is even more rare, as most socially monogamous species are not sexually monogamous.

    It would be somewhat odd if people were sexually monogamous for life; Then again, people do many odd things in comparison to other animals. The fact that 80-85% of societies allow polygynous marriage further argues against the idea that sexual monogamy is built in to human nature.

    Studies of extramarital affairs and divorce provide evidence that lifelong sexual monogamy is unrealistic. Substantial numbers of people engage in extramarital sex.About half of married people in the United States divorce, and the majority of divorced people find new partners and marry again.Many people, perhaps the majority, simply do not live up to the expectation of lifelong sexual monogamy.
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    Feb 17, 2010 8:10 PM GMT
    Lukas4u saidUnnatural
    Many authors criticize lifelong sexual monogamy as unnatural and unrealistic. They contend that humans have never been a sexually monogamous species, and that cultural expectations of sexual monogamy place enormous burdens on individuals to fulfill all the sexual needs of their partners. These expectations are quite unrealistic given how much variety exists in people's sexual desires and sex drives. In addition, sexual desires and sex drives can change over time due to circumstances (e.g., periods of high stress or poor health) and due to normal aging (e.g., changes in hormonal levels). Loving partners can find themselves mismatched in terms of their current sexual desires or sex drives. The failure to live up to unrealistic expectations of lifelong sexual monogamy causes people needless suffering.

    "Currently, monogamy is the only lovestyle style considered legitimate by our culture, even though the evidence clearly indicates that humans are not monogamous by nature. The reality is that the majority of husbands and wives have extramarital affairs and often get divorced as a result. In fact, one form of polygamy, often called serial monogamy, is now the most common form of relationship found in our culture. But divorce and remarriage are extremely stressful for children as well as their parents. Might there not be a better way? "

    "Monogamous couples are completely dependent on each other for affection and sex; and many become dissatisfied due to sexual incompatibilities, differences in level or frequency of sex, boredom with their sexual patterns. When they feel strong sexual attractions towards others they must repress these feelings or end their current relationship in order to have sex with someone else. Many complain bitterly that although they love their spouse and feel strongly attracted to him or her, the spouse doesn't want sex frequently enough or does not enjoy the same sexual activities. This leaves one partner always wanting more sex or more variety in sexual practices, and the other always feeling pressured for sex, often resulting in one partner having secret affairs with other lovers to fulfill their sexual needs.

    Research supports the claim that lifelong sexual monogamy is unnatural and unrealistic. Biologists have strong evidence that social monogamy is rare among animals, and that sexual monogamy is even more rare, as most socially monogamous species are not sexually monogamous.

    It would be somewhat odd if people were sexually monogamous for life; Then again, people do many odd things in comparison to other animals. The fact that 80-85% of societies allow polygynous marriage further argues against the idea that sexual monogamy is built in to human nature.

    Studies of extramarital affairs and divorce provide evidence that lifelong sexual monogamy is unrealistic. Substantial numbers of people engage in extramarital sex.About half of married people in the United States divorce, and the majority of divorced people find new partners and marry again.Many people, perhaps the majority, simply do not live up to the expectation of lifelong sexual monogamy.


    Thanks, I tend to agree. I guess I don't see why, if you truly love someone, sexuality has to be so taboo. So long as the relationship is healthy and honest, that is.
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    Feb 17, 2010 8:13 PM GMT
    Brandon112586 said
    seeker213 saidI know this is off topic but your profile says you never misspell yet the thread's heading reads "monogomy?" lol


    CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!


    lolz...icon_lol.gif
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    Feb 17, 2010 8:14 PM GMT
    joshnyc said
    Brandon112586 said
    seeker213 saidI know this is off topic but your profile says you never misspell yet the thread's heading reads "monogomy?" lol


    CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!


    lolz...icon_lol.gif


    Hey I never said I was smart haha
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Feb 17, 2010 8:20 PM GMT
    I suggest your BF run for it. It's ok that you're young and you didn't know before-hand that you're not a monogamously inclined guy. But now that the cat is out of the bag I think the other guy should start looking again for someone else that wants a monogamous relationship.
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    Feb 17, 2010 8:21 PM GMT
    Brandon112586 said
    joshnyc said
    Brandon112586 said
    seeker213 saidI know this is off topic but your profile says you never misspell yet the thread's heading reads "monogomy?" lol


    CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!


    lolz...icon_lol.gif


    Hey I never said I was smart haha


    mah....ur kewl dood even da smort onez can misspeal.....lolz...icon_lol.gif

    hmmm n from the view....i hope that bf of urs is bending u over a lot. icon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 17, 2010 8:27 PM GMT
    Celticmusl saidI suggest your BF run for it. It's ok that you're young and you didn't know before-hand that you're not a monogamously inclined guy. But now that the cat is out of the bag I think the other guy should start looking again for someone else that wants a monogamous relationship.



    On the other hand, maybe the BF has no experience with it, and hadn't ever even thought of the idea. First reaction would be "no way." But maybe after some thought, might be something he'd try out. Maybe not, but it's worth talking to him about it... threeways aren't evil. icon_twisted.gif
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    Feb 17, 2010 8:33 PM GMT
    joshnyc said
    Brandon112586 said
    joshnyc said
    Brandon112586 said
    seeker213 saidI know this is off topic but your profile says you never misspell yet the thread's heading reads "monogomy?" lol


    CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!


    lolz...icon_lol.gif


    Hey I never said I was smart haha


    mah....ur kewl dood even da smort onez can misspeal.....lolz...icon_lol.gif

    hmmm n from the view....i hope that bf of urs is bending u over a lot. icon_twisted.gif


    Haha
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 17, 2010 8:33 PM GMT
    Celticmusl saidI suggest your BF run for it. It's ok that you're young and you didn't know before-hand that you're not a monogamously inclined guy. But now that the cat is out of the bag I think the other guy should start looking again for someone else that wants a monogamous relationship.


    Ouch
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Feb 17, 2010 8:43 PM GMT
    Red Flags:

    1. First Relationship
    2. First Relationship-- and already questioning monogamy after one month
    3. Being in love after one month.
    4. Being young-- and already questioning monogamy after one month

    I'm sure you're a nice guy, but it doesn't seem monogamy is for you at this point in your life. And there's nothing wrong with that. But you do have the responsibility of ending things because if you're already feeling this and your boyfriend won't open the relationship things are bound to go downhill.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 17, 2010 8:54 PM GMT
    calibro saidRed Flags:

    1. First Relationship
    2. First Relationship-- and already questioning monogamy after one month
    3. Being in love after one month.
    4. Being young-- and already questioning monogamy after one month

    I'm sure you're a nice guy, but it doesn't seem monogamy is for you at this point in your life. And there's nothing wrong with that. But you do have the responsibility of ending things because if you're already feeling this and your boyfriend won't open the relationship things are bound to go downhill.


    I don't want to end anything.