The 8 Gays you will meet in your lifetime. Which one are you? Do you know anyone who is? Tell us about it...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 19, 2010 4:08 AM GMT
    The 8 Gays You Will Meet in Your Lifetime

    [url]After reading “A Handy Guide to All Gay Men” by Brian Moylan over at Gawker[/url], what stood out to me (obviously) was that I don’t know many Black men like this. Any one of these archetypes can apply to my Black gay brethren, but by and large, in my experience, they do not. So some mischievous friends and I decided to compose a more colorful equivalent to Moylan’s classifications. Your education begins now.

    The Skinny Bitch
    theskinnybitch.jpg
    This strain of Black gay is typically very young (”green”) but quickly rises in popularity in his newfound social circle because of his youth, pliability and quick mastery of shade. His goal is to accrue as many enemies as possible since he’s convinced that having enough people that despise him means he’s “doing something right.” He will spend an entire month’s salary on designer sunglasses because he considers them social currency.
    Activities: “Walking”, throwing shade, wearing eyeliner, being penetrated, hogging the camera, starting arguments with strangers, making youtube videos, going to the mall.
    Diva of Choice: Beyonce or Rihanna (there is no in-between)
    Top or Bottom: Bottom.

    The Homo Thug
    homothug.jpg
    The Homo Thug’s days are numbered since this is a group that usually patterns itself after trends in Hip-Hop, and the thug image is slowly fading. However, this image is still a selling point in gay porn and a popular refuge for closeted men. He usually has archaic notions about Black male sexuality and equates “thug” with masculinity. He is disrespectful, self-hating, and needs to pull his pants up.
    Activities: Hiding, lying, saying “I don’t do that gay shit”, smoking weed, being ignorant, having kids, having a limited vocabulary, not returning calls, breaking hearts.
    Diva of Choice: Lil’ Wayne
    Top or Bottom: Outdoor Top/Indoor Bottom
    The Big Boy
    bigboy.jpg
    These teddy bears are sweet, loving, warm and always horny. The lines between a good meal and good sex are often so blurred that any conversation involving “meat” will simply have to be taken in stride. He is way more confident than you think he has a right to be, always has a date (because he looks “healthy”), he’s funny, and will give you anything in the world as long as you are consistently fucking his brains out.
    Activities: Calling skinny bitches “skinny bitches”, cooking, hugging, making inappropriate double entendres, grabbing.
    Diva of Choice: Jennifer Hudson
    Top or Bottom: Bottom.

    The Muscle Queen
    musclequeen.jpg
    They roll in packs and only date each other. You never see them during the winter months because they are in the gym 24/7. Come summer, he’s wearing the smallest tank-top or the tightest t-shirt. Don’t bother lusting after him, because you do not exist in his world.
    Activities: Making fun of fat people, lifting weights, talking about lifting weights, accusing skinny people of being sick, dating white guys, bumping into people, being penetrated.
    Diva of Choice: Creatine.
    Top or Bottom: Power Bottom.

    The Church Queen
    churchqueen.jpg
    In spite of the Black church’s reputation for homophobia and intolerance, you will find that a number of Black gay men make the church the cornerstone of their social interaction, perhaps out of a sense of familial or religious obligation, or simply because the choir is so fierce. The Church Queen is usually loyal and loving, but is prone to Tourette-like outbursts of “Jee-suss!!” in any given situation. He listens to gospel music constantly and considers Loretta Divine his spirit animal.
    Activities: Cooking, talking loud, clutching his pearls, singing, being called “mother”, being single, speaking with a southern twang even though he’s from the midwest or the northeast.
    Diva of Choice: Karen Clark Sheard
    Top or Bottom: Sanctified Bottom.

    The Uppity Snob
    uppitysnob.jpg
    He is educated, has a six-figure salary, a nice car and a big house, but nothing is good enough for him. He will throw dinner parties with his Coven Of The Articulate and they will all wear hard-soled shoes regardless of the season, time of day or theme. When he’s among other types of gays, he will roll his eyes, sneer, or attempt to oppress them intellectually. In spite of all his accomplishments, he’ll never be happy, can’t take a joke and never laughs. He can usually be found in the club wearing a blazer and sipping a cocktail against the wall.
    Activities: Debating, sighing, having a small penis, having furniture delivered, going to the spa, being offended, finding excuses to use any word that requires a schwa.
    Diva of Choice: Whitney Houston
    Top or Bottom: Bottom.

    The Alterna-Queen
    alternaqueen.jpg
    He doesn’t like the “gay scene” because he finds it “too mainstream.” You can find him a coffee shop with his MacBook Pro listening to underground Soul or Hip-Hop, writing poetry and waiting for someone with whom he can debate the oppression of goats and librarians. He often accuses people of “not getting” him and reactively dislikes anything that everyone else likes. He’s basically “The Uppity Snob” but with dreadlocks.
    Activities: Poetry slams, debating, having his locks re-twisted, blogging, shopping at outdoor markets, calling himself a photographer, quoting Marcus Garvey, dating white men.
    Diva of Choice: Some bitch you never heard of.
    Top or Bottom: Top for white guys, otherwise bottom.


    The Old Queen
    oldqueen.jpg
    The Old Queen has seen everything and done everyone. He thinks you’re frivolous and that you stole everything from his generation. He will say things like “in my day, the men were men” and “remember when House music was House music?” He is short of patience and doesn’t want to hear your whining.
    Activities: Knowing everything. Remembering everything.
    Diva of Choice: Stephanie Mills, Teena Marie, Chaka Khan or Luther Vandross.
    Top or Bottom: Like it even matters.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 19, 2010 4:40 AM GMT
    Blackguy4you saidThe Uppity Snob
    uppitysnob.jpg

    What was the source of THAT pic? He looks more like an Uppity Pimp. Sorry, but if that's the best look a "six-figure salary" can buy, maybe the denomination is Japanese yen.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 19, 2010 4:47 AM GMT
    Isn't that the guy from Living Single? icon_biggrin.gif

    I've only seen the Skinny Bitch, the Muscle Queen, and the Big Boy around my area.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 19, 2010 4:54 AM GMT
    Red_Vespa said
    Blackguy4you saidThe Uppity Snob
    uppitysnob.jpg

    What was the source of THAT pic? He looks more like an Uppity Pimp. Sorry, but if that's the best look a "six-figure salary" can buy, maybe the denomination is Japanese yen.


    That's Coldicon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 19, 2010 4:55 AM GMT
    I'll take the old Queen for $800icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 19, 2010 6:59 AM GMT
    This really made me laugh my ass off. Too funny! I'm fortunately enough not classified here, there gonna have to do a bit more research icon_wink.gif
  • DarkSensation

    Posts: 715

    Feb 19, 2010 12:59 PM GMT
    oh My i'm the The Alterna-Queen in some Ways...Not Fully icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 19, 2010 5:36 PM GMT
    LOL. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA... oh this is some funny shit. I almost wet my pants.

    I definitely know some muscle queens. And there are some right on this site as well icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif
  • Mohannned

    Posts: 280

    Feb 19, 2010 7:46 PM GMT
    considering I'm african .. I have seen a lot of gay black people ,, and usually they are either

    the skinny bitch (not always bottom , and not always that skinny )
    or my fave : the homo thug (and he is really top outdoor , bottom indoor )
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 19, 2010 8:24 PM GMT
    *giggles* I liked the thug one icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2010 2:31 PM GMT
    Ah, I jut ran into the skinny bitch this morning going to get some coffee.

    A skinny, bitchy wasp is a sight to behold, I can tell you
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2010 8:53 PM GMT
    LOL

    Just ran into the fucking biggest muscle queen 2 hours ago. Definitely a sloppy piggy bottom!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2010 9:23 PM GMT
    Why are they all bottoms?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 24, 2010 5:03 AM GMT
    This was funny when I first read it on NovaSlim's blog....I have met just about all of these types before, LMAO
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 24, 2010 6:01 PM GMT
    Met each and everyone of those before. Although most seem to be skinny bitches or thugs.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 24, 2010 7:35 PM GMT
    This was a great read; made my dayicon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 25, 2010 1:02 AM GMT
    Oh My Gawish
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 25, 2010 1:12 AM GMT
    Red_Vespa said
    Blackguy4you saidThe Uppity Snob
    uppitysnob.jpg

    What was the source of THAT pic? He looks more like an Uppity Pimp. Sorry, but if that's the best look a "six-figure salary" can buy, maybe the denomination is Japanese yen.


    In order to understand the pix you would have needed to watch the show and his character was Karl on Living single w/ Queen Latifah and Kim fields. His character and mannerisims were portrayed as an Upitty snob.


    Blackguy4you...

    These were too funny!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 25, 2010 1:26 AM GMT
    Yep, I have met them all.

    Hilarious.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 25, 2010 2:01 AM GMT
    how come they're all black? icon_confused.gif


    I'm probably the big boy.



    oh well, get used to it.