Asking too much?!

  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Feb 19, 2010 6:11 AM GMT
    ExpectTooMuch.jpg

    So we all know how difficult it is to find a decent match amongst all the whorish mentalities we have in this lifestyle. No, not just this lifestyle, but in all lifestyles these days. The new "IN" thing these days is to just be happy single and completely be disinterested in relationships or monogomy.

    However, from time to time.....you meet a good guy. There is very mild attraction, he has a great personality, you guys click, you enjoy his smile, you talk with each other fluidly and above all....he really likes you and would be willing to try something serious with you. You weigh the pros and cons and realize....again.....that you are only mildly attracted to him. You realize everything about him is great, but you're not attracted to his body or "level" of fitness.

    You're honest, so you tell him. What do you do? Do you ask him to get into better shape? Would you be willing to be his boyfriend while he claims to get into better shape? Is it wrong for you to even suggest that idea? even when he agrees?

    How far is too far?

    What if his only flaw was that he was a smoker? would you ask him to quit?

    Naturally, if that one thing that you didn't like wasn't that serious, you could overlook it....but seriously what if its something that turns you off from being attracted to him?

    Your thoughts? Experiences?
  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Feb 19, 2010 7:30 AM GMT
    I hate bumping a thread...but no one have any thoughts on this topic?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 19, 2010 7:42 AM GMT
    so many questions ..

    you want to date someone but fix their broken aspects .. probably not a good way to start out. That perfectionist streak will ruin a relationship.

    To want a partner that likes the same activities as you so a fit lifestyle is reasonable to me .. maybe in that sense you can prod him to work out with you but that may only go so far. If you hate cigarette smoke it seems reasonable to want to date someone that doesn't smoke. Same goes with dating someone who drinking too much or into drugs .. I certainly would not want to get in that situation.



  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Feb 19, 2010 8:01 AM GMT
    So, you think since the initial attraction isn't there....one should just move on to the next potential?
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    Feb 19, 2010 8:29 AM GMT
    MercuryMax saidSo, you think since the initial attraction isn't there....one should just move on to the next potential?
    No. I have dated guys that I was somewhat attracted to, and became more attracted to them as I emotionally bonded to them. If you are not attracted at all .. then that will just make it harder to get to know them initially.

    What I was talking about above was how compatible you are (lifestyle wise). I would say it is better to find someone that won't be at odds with things you really like to do or don't like to do.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 19, 2010 8:40 AM GMT
    When you put the two side by side it makes it more difficult on a physical level ONLY.

    I wouldn't have a problem going out with a guy like the one on the left. He just needs to add some cardio and considering how I like to keep active in and out of the bedroom, I'd keep him busy icon_wink.gif.

    If the personality is rocking and he just needs a little physical fitness tweaks, I'd work with the guy. No question about it. Plus, I'm sure plenty of us have met the cute face, hot bod, shitty attitude guy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 19, 2010 6:37 PM GMT
    Dude, is this an actual scenario?? because if it is i would suggest helping him get in shape...

    I myself am somewhat out of shape and looking to get in shape, problem is i am to busy and lose motivation. If you suggested you guys bond by going to the gym, that would be pretty cool for him to know you have his back! I don't think that would be offensive or to much to ask. Everyone has a 'type' they like, or don't like.
  • MSUBioNerd

    Posts: 1813

    Feb 19, 2010 6:39 PM GMT
    As a general rule: it's really dangerous to try to get into any situation thinking that you can change someone other than yourself.

    For one, it is very hard to change your ways for someone else. It's hard enough to change for yourself. Clearly, lots of us on this site have changed our bodies over a long period of time; we've lost fat, gained muscle, improved our eating habits, improved our cardio fitness, or some combination of these. But for those of us who have been successful, how many have done it not from a desire to change themselves, but from a desire to please a new boyfriend? Obviously, some of our changes have been done at least in part to attract a guy's interest -- maybe even a specific guy's interest -- but when push comes to shove, we hit the gym instead of hitting the snooze button or the couch because we want the health and/or appearance that comes from putting in the time and the sweat that that entails.

    For another, if the guy *does* change for you, there's a good chance that he'll grow to resent you for it. By placing requirements that he change to suit you on the relationship, you are effectively telling him "As you are now, you're not good enough for me. I deserve better than this, so shape up or I say goodbye." And that may be true -- you may honestly deserve better than what a guy is currently like -- but how many guys are going to want to hear that, make the change, and not grow angry over it?

    Also, you're asking about changing someone early in a relationship. How well do you and the other guy even know each other by this point? What sort of assurance do you have that you're even compatible except for his fitness? When you're asking for major changes in someone, it's generally not a good idea to not have some sort of reason he should make them for you, rather than find someone who doesn't feel he needs to change.

    The answers are totally different, of course, if you're in a long term relationship with a guy who was in shape when you got together and has since let himself go, but it sounds like you're talking about just becoming serious with a guy.

    As for the smoking, yes, I admit it's a dealbreaker for me. But it's a dealbreaker for me from the start, so I don't even go on a single date with a guy if I know he's a smoker. I've told some otherwise interesting guys who asked me out that I don't date smokers, but if they decide to quit at some point they should let me know, but I wouldn't try to start a relationship with someone I knew I wasn't interested in for a specific reason. When you're trying to figure out if a guy is attractive enough for you, that's a little more difficult -- personality plays such a role in figuring out who we find attractive in real life, instead of just in photos on the web -- but if you can tell that you're always going to have one eye on the door checking out whoever just walked in to see if he's better than the guy you're with, I wouldn't recommend trying to make your guy hotter. I'd suggest finding someone else you're already happy enough with that staying with him as he is now is more appealing than trying to find someone better.
  • nismo29732

    Posts: 117

    Feb 19, 2010 6:51 PM GMT
    ActiveAndFit said
    MercuryMax saidSo, you think since the initial attraction isn't there....one should just move on to the next potential?
    No. I have dated guys that I was somewhat attracted to, and became more attracted to them as I emotionally bonded to them. If you are not attracted at all .. then that will just make it harder to get to know them initially.

    What I was talking about above was how compatible you are (lifestyle wise). I would say it is better to find someone that won't be at odds with things you really like to do or don't like to do.


    Hmm...I would say to go with your instinct. I know personally, It's more of a total package thing. For example, maybe your not quite on my level fit-wise, but you have other redeeming qualities such as your personality. I don't want to date someone with the personality of a brick..I can look past a couple love handles for stimulating conversation. I almost feel bad bringing it up, but lets be real, maybe we are on 2 different financial levels, or education levels, but you know how to manage your money well. I would much rather you be able to manage 7 dollars and hour well as opposed to 100 dollars and hour and have no clue why bills can't get paid, or willing to work a job some would consider less desirable and be happy, as opposed to a miserable doctor...It sounds so cliche but thats really how I feel. There are some things that are higher ranking to me than others. My main things are ; have a job, pay some bills, and have some spunk! You would think that would be easy to find right?? Pretty much, I say all of that to say that I don't need to be head over heels about you on the first date..Hell I would prefer to let the "magic" build over time. Anyway, I hope that makes sense.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 19, 2010 6:52 PM GMT
    I'm not fussy about aesthetics I just require chemistry.

    I met this guy through friends who I had instant chemistry with. I couldn't tell what his body looked like but he has a very handsome face and his carriage is confident but easy going. The chemistry was immediate, intense, very tangible but indescribable.

    After months of emailing and running into each other at friends' parties we finally started seeing each other. I'm super active and he kept making references to being self conscious about his body because I was so fit. We only made out for about six dates. On Valentines day he took me to wine country and we finally had sex... (AWESOME!) The first time was a bit rushed because we both were very anxious to do it after several weeks of not and we were partially clothed and trying to make our dinner reservation.

    However, when I saw him the next morning undressed, his body was ROCKIN'!! I was floored at his insecurity because he looks amazing! I had to pinch myself to have a reality check that this charming, sweet, thoughtful, available, romantic, successful and on top of all that HOT guy had crawled out of my bed and was wooing *me*.

    To the OP's original thoughts. I don't care what someone looks like. I don't honestly know what I'm drawn to, chemistry just happens. I could deliberate over why and how and all the logistics but ultimately, I want someone to love me for who I am. And if I want to be loved that way, I should be willing to offer up the very same thing.

    I'm not saying this is "love" but fortunately, this time around I think I got a total package and I'm really glad I was focused on the qualities of his character and not the presentation.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Feb 19, 2010 6:58 PM GMT
    I'd prefer it if a guy told me that he wasn't totally attracted to me and that he'd want me to change so I'd know right away I should break it off with him.
  • kietkat

    Posts: 342

    Feb 19, 2010 7:13 PM GMT
    To the OP, all of these questions require an assumption that you yourself are "all that"... I don't think anyone should tell a potential suitor to change the way they are because it it makes them seem less attractive. If it bugs you then move on and spare the poor guy your games....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 19, 2010 8:41 PM GMT
    Sif I'm in any position to nitpick. First guy who takes interest, I bind and gag and drag to the basement. Like a trapdoor spider. halfliquid.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 19, 2010 8:42 PM GMT
    Wouldn't be better to date someone with a face?

    ...just sayin'.
  • nv7_

    Posts: 1453

    Feb 19, 2010 9:04 PM GMT
    Don't change him.

    Here's why.

    He becomes the man you want him to be.

    He gets lots more attention and realizes he can now do better.

    He dumps you.

    You cry.

    You're back at square one.

    icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 19, 2010 9:19 PM GMT
    You know if the fitness is an issue where you're more active than your partner, you can always encourage him to go with you to the gym or on runs/bike rides, in the context of spending time together and showing him a side of you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 19, 2010 9:28 PM GMT
    TheIStrat saidYou know if the fitness is an issue where you're more active than your partner, you can always encourage him to go with you to the gym or on runs/bike rides, in the context of spending time together and showing him a side of you.


    This is a good point. Although I'd say it's a bad idea to go into a relationship with the intent to smooth out the imperfections you perceive, it's also possible that all he's lacking is the motivation to work on his fitness. A fit-minded BF may be just what he needs.

    For me, there has to be both chemistry and physical attraction. I find many different types attractive -- often, an adorable face overrides an out-of-shape bod. Or the other way around. Sometimes, there's so much chemistry that it manifests into physical attraction no matter what.

    But let's face it... if there's no attraction, there's no attraction.

    P.S., Smoking = no attraction, for me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 19, 2010 9:45 PM GMT
    Why would you try and change somebody?
    Only girls try to change somebody.

    Either you take the package "as is" or you don't.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Feb 19, 2010 9:52 PM GMT
    I agree with sexylatinboy.....34.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 19, 2010 10:11 PM GMT
    Unrealistic standards: keeping people apart since white met bread.

    Try increasing your alcohol intake.
  • FriscoJansen

    Posts: 2552

    Feb 19, 2010 10:11 PM GMT
    I was talking to a guy for a bit a few years ago. We finally met and hung out at his place. I found out he's a smoker. I have a hard time breathing when I'm around smokers, the foul smell on your clothes and I don't understand how they could do that to their bodies.
    I was really into the guy at the beginning and I was beginning to get uncomfortable. So finally, later in the night I told him what was bothering me, after him noticing my mood. He was very polite about it and put it out. I just couldn't go any further with him, the fact that he smoked was a definite turn-off for me. I don't think he really knows to this day on why I didn't wanna see him anymore. Days later he said he wanted to be with me and would "give me the world" but I just couldn't do it.
  • nv7_

    Posts: 1453

    Feb 19, 2010 11:43 PM GMT
    Beaux saidUnrealistic standards: keeping people apart since white met bread.

    Try increasing your alcohol intake.


    LISTEN to this guy. He actually HAS a boyfriend. icon_biggrin.gif