When Gay Guys Don't Like Sex, or, The Day Hell Froze Over.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 17, 2008 5:20 AM GMT
    After scouring the internet for a stable gay advice board, it looks like this might be the best place to get some. There's a lot of back-story before the thread's title will make sense, so, sorry for the long read. Here goes:

    I'm almost 30. He's 30. Long story short: Ph. D'd, writer, athlete, scholar, prankster, romantic, family guy, cook. Everything. Amazing. One-of-a-kind.

    After the first time we met after meeting for the first time, he informed me he was leaving the country for a month for work. Bummer. "No sweat," I said. He'd already made a big impression on me.

    We email while he's gone, I'm the first person he sees upon returning. We hang out a few more times, dinner, dating, etc. On the 4th date he says he's leaving again, for the rest of the year (5 months). "Well shit," I say.

    Now, I'm no sex addict, but I'm no Morrisey either. So I found it a bit odd that for being on our fifth or sixth date, we hadn't so much as kissed. I chalk it up to the oncoming distance, and him not wanting to seal anything. Made sense to me.

    On the 7th date (the last before he leaves), I sneak in a makeout session. We both imply, in a roundabout way, that we won't date other people while the other is gone. Cute.

    I decide that 5 months is way too much time to go without seeing him. Surprise, I book a flight to Europe two months later. He can't believe it and we have an amazing week to ourselves. Living together 24/7. We have sex, once.

    Two months later, he returns. He surprises me by coming back a day early and making me dinner. We make-out. We don't have sex.

    Now it's the fourth day of him being back. I havn't seen him since the first. And instead of having sex with him right now, I'm typing this. He's a busy guy.

    Here's all the questions: Is he just not into sex? Am I nuts for expecting a "rational" amount of sex in this situation? Who spends a romantic week in Europe not fucking like rabbits? Who comes back after a 5 month hiatus not wanting to fuck like rabbits?

    I've initiated every move. At certian points I think "Maybe I'm deluding myself about his interest in me", but then there's talk about birthdays... trips together... so I figure he's got to have at least a physical degree of interest? Maybe he's a homo-virgin? Which would explain a lot - but how do I find out without making him feel insecure / bringing about the awkwardness? Maybe he just doesn't like sex? Does this happen? In people? In gay people!?

    Fellas, I would've taken the high road a long time ago had this been any other guy, but, I think I'm screwed (figuratively, unfortunately) because I like this one, even without the sex. Throw in the fact we're both guys not really attune to our emotional sides, and well, you get a communication clusterfuck.


    Thanks in advance,


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 17, 2008 6:40 AM GMT
    Can understand how you feel in this situation and would suggest that you try and have an open talk about sex and how it should be part of your relationship with him.

    It is difficult at times to expose one's feelings but nothing ventured is nothing gained !

    Sometimes you can find the"man of your dreams"only to discover that he has some flaws,then its up to you to decide to continue or not.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jan 17, 2008 10:38 AM GMT
    I wouldn't put too much more effort into this guy
    There's clearly some sort of problem going on
    and it might not even be something that he's totally aware of

    when we get together with someone there's a dynamic between two people sometimes it leads to sexual feelings and sometimes it just doesn't happen
    I'd sit back and let him make the first move
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 17, 2008 3:23 PM GMT
    He could be a homovirgin, he could not like sex, he could be uncomfortable with intimacy...there could be a dozen reasons.

    The point is that you have to talk to him. I know you said that your mutual communication skills equate to that of a penguin and a rhino, but you still have to try. If there is something bothering him, then maybe there is something you can do to help. Or, if he's just shy...then you know there isn't any real problem and you can get back to the horizontal tango.

    I know it sucks, but you have to talk to him. No advice that we give here will be half as enlightening.

    PS- I have a theory that giving advice is simply the art of telling people what they already know and don't want to hear. The next time you have a problem simply consider the most dreded solution and you usually have your answer. Hey, if life weren't so tough it wouldn't be worth living.
  • jc_online

    Posts: 487

    Jan 17, 2008 3:47 PM GMT
    I agree with zrs: talk to him. Does he want a more active sex life, or is the current frequency right for him? Will it work for you? If most everything is right about your relationship, work on the other things as you need to, but balance out the pros and cons, don't just focus on this one con.

    Best of luck man!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 17, 2008 3:52 PM GMT
    It's already been said several times, but you do indeed need to have an honest talk about sex with him. You might breach the subject not by saying "hey, this is a problem," but instead bringing it up by talking about what you're interested in sexually. Not only is that a good way to get his opinions on sex in general, but if either of you have kinks that you like to engage in that's a good way to get them out there.

    I have to disagree with GQjock, though. I don't think the fact that you haven't had much sex automatically means there's something wrong with the connection. People, even gay men, do have extremely varying degrees of sexual drive. He might just have a low sex drive, which could either be a hormonal problem and he needs to take some testosterone, or it could just simply be a low sex drive sans medical issues.

    If the latter is the case, you'll have to decide how important sex is to you in this relationship. It sounds like it's pretty important to you, which is understandable, so if you can't figure something out you might have to reevaluate things.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 17, 2008 4:40 PM GMT
    maybe he's g0y icon_biggrin.gif.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 17, 2008 4:47 PM GMT
    I would have raped him along time ago. If he didnt oblidge then at least the ocquard part was cut through and you can get to the bottom of the situation.
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    Jan 17, 2008 4:55 PM GMT
    Chewey raised the question you need to ask him. You need to talk about sex drive. It varies from person to person and over the course of their life.

    You have needs.
    He has needs.

    So, maybe he can't have swing from the chandelier, ass banding sex five times a week as you may like. But that doesn't mean you can't be intimate as often as you like. Maybe he sits on your face and you masturbate as he reads the paper.

    sit down, have a chat, try to come to a compromise and if you can't try to find someone you are more compatible with.
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    Jan 17, 2008 5:07 PM GMT
    Some people like to take things slow when just getting into a relationship. Heck if anything you should be so lucky to have someone who wants more from you then just sex. This guy is a rariety at best and I doubt he's seeing anyone else since he's already done some pretty amazing things that would suggest otherwise. Best advice to be given here is to just talk to him and see what he has to say. He might just be shy or maybe he's inexperienced and doesn't want to embarass himself in front of someone he really likes.

    Like any good relationship communication is vital so sit down and chat him up to get an answer you can be happy with.
  • stevarino7

    Posts: 149

    Jan 17, 2008 5:19 PM GMT
    I think you should play some salt n' pepa for him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 17, 2008 5:28 PM GMT
    he could just be very passive and be afraid to initiate something or possibly his previous partners have all been more aggressive and he's come to expect it. The key as everyone previously has stated is to communicate. It doesn't even have to be confrontational. Or you could just push the boundaries and see if he says stop. If you end up with your finger in his ass and he's screaming "yeeee-haw" at the top of his lungs, that might be a good indicator he wants to go all the way.icon_twisted.gif
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3462

    Jan 17, 2008 5:31 PM GMT
    Agree with ZRS. Maybe he's not into sex or had a bad experience or has intimacy issues. At this point it's not unfair to ask him about.
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    Jan 17, 2008 5:37 PM GMT
    Sounds like me you are missing a Top in this relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 17, 2008 5:38 PM GMT
    Well confession time.

    My partner and I have been together for 10 years.

    Our story was almost identical to yours, fumbling half attempts at something that really never went anywhere. This was all despite the fact that we had strong, strong feelings for each other from day one.

    We moved in together pretty quickly and our life got extremely domestic and comfortable.

    The thing is we never had sex. I know that most couples eventually stop having sex (or so they say). We just skipped it altogether.

    This was an enormous problem for me. I just couldn't figure it out. I have a normal, he even a strong sex drive. I went through every feeling in the book (rejection, anger, etc.).

    Finally, I just came to the conclusion that he isn't interested in sex or isn't interested in sex with me.

    At that point the thing was to understand and evaluate what was important to me. When I examine it (as I often do) it comes down to the fact that we love each other, we have a home, we share the same dreams, and we have built a family.

    Frankly, those things turn out to be more important to us than I ever would have thought possible. Sex turns out to be of secondary or tertiary importance.

    That led to the, well what the hell do I do about sex question. I mean the need for sex does not go away. It turns out that there really isn't any problem in realizing that need out there in the big wide world.

    I don't say this is ideal. I don't say it is normal. I wouldn't necessarily recommend it. However, I love my partner immensely and I am happy with things the way they are.

    Jeez I don't know if that helps or it hurts to say. I guess the conclusion is that there are so many different kinds of relationships out there in the world that it is almost unimaginable.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 17, 2008 6:18 PM GMT
    HaleExSumo, he could have issues with being gay, or he simply could have a low sex drive. Don't take it personal though, it is likely an issue with him. If he really cares about you he will be able to explain what is going on with him, then once you have the truth you can decide what to do.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 17, 2008 6:49 PM GMT
    I am going to be a bit contrarian here...

    IMO - I think a healthy sex life is an fundamentally important part of you mental health. When someone does not have a healthy sex life, things can become... dis ordered (a very traditional asian view of sex btw).

    You need to sit down and have a frank discusssion with your partner.

    I would also suggest trying to find some appropriate couples counseling in your area to deal with this issue; But it may be deeper than that...

    He may have some psychological issues to deal with before he can recognise a healthy sex life for himself or the two of you. That may require some specialized counseling with a psychologist or psychiatrist.

    Good Luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 17, 2008 7:19 PM GMT
    He may be more asexual, or have a low sex drive, or want you to initiate. My suggestion would be to talk about it, get to the bottom of what is going on so neither of you feel awkward and can settle things however you see fit.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 17, 2008 7:22 PM GMT
    Halo, Have you checked with him to see if he is taking any medications that could inhibit his libido in any way? There are lots of medications including a whole gambit of antidepressants that can cut the old libido completely out. You don't even think about sex. You don't even miss sex. I know... I have been there and done that and without the help of my partner (and his horny nature) would not have even realized I was becoming "not interested". icon_eek.gif

    I know relationships are based on trust but if he is taking meds and hasn't discussed that with you yet then maybe it's time to do some snooping through the bags and shaving kit to see if he is taking anything.

    If he's not on meds and has no physical problems having sex then maybe it's time for some counseling. Let us know what happens. Hang in there!!

    PS - Tell him he doesn't want to get DSB* because that can cause all kinds of problems.

    *Deadly Sperm Backup
  • mcwclewis

    Posts: 1701

    Jan 17, 2008 7:43 PM GMT
    Sometimes people have issues with intimacy. Personally, Ive had some pretty terrifying experiences with ex's and in turn have lost most of my will to sleep with someone until I am COMPLETELY comfortable with them.

    Maybe thats what up with him, I dont know.

    Best of luck to you though. And I fully agree with the idea of talking to him about it.
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    Jan 17, 2008 9:03 PM GMT
    stevarino7 saidI think you should play some salt n' pepa for him.

    I tend to agree with stevarino7...

    And now I have that song in my head again... Thanks, stevarino! icon_cool.gif

    :walks off singing:
    Let's talk about sex, baby
    Let's talk about you and me...
    Let's talk about all the good things
    and the bad things that may be...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 17, 2008 9:13 PM GMT
    He's just not into you.
  • Haloexsumo2

    Posts: 2

    Jan 18, 2008 5:42 AM GMT
    Woah, thanks for all the responses guys.

    Point taken about communicating. And yes, I already knew I had to do it. I think I don't completely suck at communicating, so next time I'll initiate something. Even if it's just a straight forward talk about what he's got in mind in "the future".

    The shy thing seems to be the obvious answer here. But I'm telling you guys: he's got nothing to be shy about. So, that kind of confuses me. He's got a confidence I'm jealous of... it just seems to ween in the bedroom.

    So maybe he is being careful. Which is flattering and frustrating. Regardless, I considered myself a take-it-slow kind of guy, but he's redefined the term.


    While it would suck, maybe it's as easy as Redheadguy put it, and I won't have to wonder much longer.

    Thanks again for the comments,
  • GeorgeNJ

    Posts: 216

    Jan 19, 2008 3:47 AM GMT
    Maybe he's saving himself for marriage ... ?

    Hey, I want the whole enchilada, too ... commitment, flowers, jewelry ... the works!

    Seriously, tho -- lay the cards out on the table. Get him to talk. Otherwise, you'll never resolve this.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 19, 2008 5:59 PM GMT
    zrs106 saidHe could be a homovirgin, he could not like sex, he could be uncomfortable with intimacy...there could be a dozen reasons.

    The point is that you have to talk to him.

    I think this guys words are wise beyond his years, and I agree.

    If you are getting the read that you are personally close, and everything else seems OK then just ask him.

    What are his prior experiences?

    Is he physically attracted to you?

    Get him to talk about what does and does not turn him on and understand what it is and maybe why as well.

    Sad to say but I have been in some long relationships and this will be good practice for you later in relationship guy, because things are always not in that limerance phase like a week in Europe fucking like bunnies, even if they should start out that way.

    At last resort blind fold him and tie him up and practice the stuff that he states turns him on and see if its just a matter of inhibitions on is part.
    Seriously.... Maybe he just needs some head trip kink to let what ever his homo-sex-hangup is go.