A New Crush

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2010 1:58 AM GMT
    I had been dating two guys for a few months, neither exclusive, everything was above board.
    One ended recently, the other was just taken to the level of "dating exclusivity" (but not "boyfriends").
    I feel very conflicted. I feel sadness for one loss but giddy excitement because I'm finding great safety, comfort and a ridiculous amount of fun in the other. I'm 36 years old, dated a handful of guys seriously, one was a 6 year LTR. I have always been notoriously pessimistic about long term futures with anyone but I can say I've never felt so giddy and optimistic.
    Life hasn't always been fair to me but now I feel like the instrument of it's inequity to another.
    I feel 'guilty' on one hand but 'just' on the other because I did what was best for me... I don't want to be a martyr but I also don't want to be a selfish asshole.
    Has anyone ever had this experience?
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Feb 25, 2010 2:08 AM GMT
    I don't understand what's selfish?
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    Feb 25, 2010 2:24 AM GMT
    Timberoo saidI don't understand what's selfish?
    I guess I feel guilty for being happy for what is working out with one guy and feel like I should be more sad for the loss of the other. I've never "juggled" two when I was so invested in both.
  • Timbales

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    Feb 25, 2010 2:30 AM GMT
    EasilyDistracted said
    Timberoo saidI don't understand what's selfish?
    I guess I feel guilty for being happy for what is working out with one guy and feel like I should be more sad for the loss of the other. I've never "juggled" two when I was so invested in both.


    I don't think you should feel guilty for being happy. Things didn't work out with the one guy, that's ok.
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    Feb 25, 2010 2:31 AM GMT

    "I feel 'guilty' on one hand but 'just' on the other because I did what was best for me... I don't want to be a martyr but I also don't want to be a selfish asshole."

    Perhaps this is because you're in transit.

    A period of adjustment? As you move from the regretful you to the optimistic you I think It's OK to be a little of both, yes?

    -Doug

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    Feb 25, 2010 2:31 AM GMT
    Can I have the other one, please? icon_biggrin.gif
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    Feb 25, 2010 3:20 AM GMT
    I know you're right Doug its just hard for now I guess, thank you.
    Thanks T... *sigh*
    Sed... um... *tag* "you're it"
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    Feb 25, 2010 1:29 PM GMT
    Was the relationship that ended by mutual decision? I'm guessing from your saying that you did "what was best for you", that it was not. So?
    Knowing what I do about your background, you are used to trying to be all things to all people. You are not responsible for making sure the planets keep spinning.
    Yeah, life is not fair. We learned that pretty quickly when we were kids, didn't we? Let go of the "guilt" and the "sadness". Embrace the giddiness you feel. You deserve it icon_wink.gif

    P.S. I sure hope that horse doesn't crush ur house.
    icon_lol.gif
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    Feb 25, 2010 1:47 PM GMT
    If you were honest with both people and felt like you did the right thing, then you shouldn't feel guilty. It's also okay to feel a little sad, too, but don't let it spoil your new relationship.

    By the way, the way your profile pic comes up on my computer makes it look like you're in bed with a llama! icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 25, 2010 2:27 PM GMT
    EasilyDistracted saidI don't want to be a martyr but I also don't want to be a selfish asshole.
    Has anyone ever had this experience?


    Only the selfish asshole part. icon_redface.gif


    Either of those two are lucky. I'm talking about the guys, not the dogs. Though they are lucky too, especially the one in bed with you... I THINK that's a dog, right? Anyway, enough caffeine for me today...

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    Feb 25, 2010 2:35 PM GMT
    When are you going to give yourself the freedom from feeling selfish for doing something that feels right?

    Or putting in in another way, when are you going to realize that you are not THAT self important to be responsible for "things that just don't work out"? and that you can't control everything.......especially when it comes to love and relationsips.

    Send me the reject.icon_biggrin.gif

    BTW. I'm curious. What's the difference between "boyfriend" and being exclusive.?

    Congratulations and enjoy everything (guilt free).
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    Feb 25, 2010 4:16 PM GMT
    Tbilly: It was sort of mutual... more like the mutual understanding that it was pretty much destined to "not work out".
    Kpro:I know it's totally my M.O. I feel responsible or everyone's feelings and situation... I think it was my Catholic upbringing.
    Exclusive vs. Boyfriend: It's my own apprehension about getting involved, no matter how optimistic I may want to be. We go on dates regularly but I'm not ready to introduce him as my boyfriend. We don't say "I love you" we say "I like you". I "love" my boyfriends. But that is just how my monkey mind works.

    I'm feeling better today about it all. Yesterday we put the last nail in the coffin and pretty much said "goodbye". I have a hard time not slamming on the panic button when someone is hurting. I just want everyone to be happy.

    However, I'm moving past that and am focusing on the new situation which is so fun, exciting and really new... I feel like a focused teenager, it's so cool!

    My house is fine Tbilly the horse didn't crush it.
    And YES it is a dog in bed with me, she is Sydney my Greyhound and she has as super long neck and was stretching it up when the picture was taken. icon_smile.gif
    I feel better today... thanks guys... you're the best. xoxo
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Feb 25, 2010 6:40 PM GMT
    Much ado about nada. Take the drama level down a few clicks. It's great that you found a guy you can finally relate to. Other than that.....feeling guilty about dating the other guy and it doesn't work out? I don't think it is logical or necessary to feel guilt for trying to make a go of it with someone and it doesn't work out.

    It was actually a foregone conclusion when dating two guys that this was going to happen at some point, whether for just one relationship or both. I guess I don't understand that someone should be surprised or concerned that this has happened.
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    Feb 26, 2010 9:37 PM GMT
    Celticmusl saidMuch ado about nada. Take the drama level down a few clicks. It's great that you found a guy you can finally relate to. Other than that.....feeling guilty about dating the other guy and it doesn't work out? I don't think it is logical or necessary to feel guilt for trying to make a go of it with someone and it doesn't work out.

    It was actually a foregone conclusion when dating two guys that this was going to happen at some point, whether for just one relationship or both. I guess I don't understand that someone should be surprised or concerned that this has happened.

    All my mental pistons don't fire at the right time, I'm kinda cuckoo and terribly flawed... it's part of my charm. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Celticmusl

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    Feb 26, 2010 9:49 PM GMT
    EasilyDistracted said
    Celticmusl saidMuch ado about nada. Take the drama level down a few clicks. It's great that you found a guy you can finally relate to. Other than that.....feeling guilty about dating the other guy and it doesn't work out? I don't think it is logical or necessary to feel guilt for trying to make a go of it with someone and it doesn't work out.

    It was actually a foregone conclusion when dating two guys that this was going to happen at some point, whether for just one relationship or both. I guess I don't understand that someone should be surprised or concerned that this has happened.

    All my mental pistons don't fire at the right time, I'm kinda cuckoo and terribly flawed... it's part of my charm. icon_biggrin.gif


    That's right baby, own it!
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    Feb 26, 2010 10:43 PM GMT
    if I didn't like you so much, I'd roll my eyes, make a witty remark and bitch slap you.. soo

    Stop being a whiny bitch, you and the other fella weren't going to work out, you can not force something to happen with him when it will not happen, for what ever reason the two of you were not yet ready for each other or the things you each brought to the table, I'm sure the other guy will survive just fine without you and eventually develop his own relationship that makes him content at some other point when he's ready for it.

    The guy your seeing now deserves your attention and focus and not your "worrying" about things that have since past, if he makes you feel excitement and joy over the potential of what could happen, then allow your self to go with it and enjoy the experience, these things are rare and should be enjoyed to the fullest of your abilitys NOT over thought and destroyed over thinking everything.

    Now come here I wish to bitch slap you (Notice you didn't get the eye roll)

    icon_razz.gif
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    Feb 26, 2010 10:48 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidif I didn't like you so much, I'd roll my eyes, make a witty remark and bitch slap you.. soo

    Stop being a whiny bitch, you and the other fella weren't going to work out, you can not force something to happen with him when it will not happen, for what ever reason the two of you were not yet ready for each other or the things you each brought to the table, I'm sure the other guy will survive just fine without you and eventually develop his own relationship that makes him content at some other point when he's ready for it.

    The guy your seeing now deserves your attention and focus and not your "worrying" about things that have since past, if he makes you feel excitement and joy over the potential of what could happen, then allow your self to go with it and enjoy the experience, these things are rare and should be enjoyed to the fullest of your abilitys NOT over thought and destroyed over thinking everything.

    Now come here I wish to bitch slap you (Notice you didn't get the eye roll)

    icon_razz.gif

    It was a day of angst, I've moved on I promise... PHE (promise honest engine).
    I'm enjoying the new stuff very much... thanks for not rolling your eyes, but can you make that slap a spanking?

    ...I've been a very, very, very naughty boy. 5.gif
    - lilTanker = EasyD's first RJ crush -
    *long dreamy sigh*
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    Feb 26, 2010 10:50 PM GMT
    EasilyDistracted saidthanks for not rolling your eyes, but can you make that slap a spanking?

    ...I've been a very, very, very naughty boy. 5.gif

    Yes, Yes I can, However, since you have been so naughty, there will be other things involved, like paddles and lubricant and squealing!
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    Feb 26, 2010 10:53 PM GMT
    EasilyDistracted said- lilTanker = EasyD's first RJ crush -
    *long dreamy sigh*

    Now your getting eye rolls for being such a damned dork

    see

    icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Feb 26, 2010 10:54 PM GMT
    lilTanker said
    EasilyDistracted saidthanks for not rolling your eyes, but can you make that slap a spanking?

    ...I've been a very, very, very naughty boy. 5.gif

    Yes, Yes I can, However, since you have been so naughty, there will be other things involved, like paddles and lubricant and squealing!

    in THAT case I've been very, very, very,very, very, very, very, very, VERY, VERY, VERY naughtly!!! 65.gif

    *squealing with anticipation*
    71.gif
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    Feb 26, 2010 10:56 PM GMT
    lilTanker said
    EasilyDistracted said- lilTanker = EasyD's first RJ crush -
    *long dreamy sigh*

    Now your getting eye rolls for being such a damned dork

    see

    icon_rolleyes.gif

    have you seen my "hot list"?
    VERY exclusive!
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    Feb 26, 2010 11:03 PM GMT
    EasilyDistracted saidhave you seen my "hot list"?
    VERY exclusive!

    Yes I have seen it dear ;)